Wedding Blog
This is a topic that I’ve been musing over for quite a while. Ever since Mr. Puffy and I got engaged, to be exact. And I would like someone else’s input besides the voice in my own head (”There’s only one… that speaks English.” Bonus BFF points if you can name that quote!).
The question that’s been the source of so much angst? What to call my in-laws after the wedding.
My parents both call each other’s parents “Mom” and “Dad”. It’s something that they’re both very comfortable with, and have no qualms about it. Me? I’m more uncomfortable with the idea that I’m calling someone who didn’t raise me by the names I give my parents.
Up until this point, I’ve avoided calling Mr. Powder Puff’s parents anything. They’ve invited me graciously to call them by their first names, but I haven’t taken them up on that. The one time I had to call my future father-in-law, I freaked out at the last second and called him Mr. ___. How awkward is that?!
The wedding is fast approaching, and I’m going to have to make a decision on this either way. Help!
So answer me this, hive—what do you call your in-laws?
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I call my in-laws by their first names but my FH calls my parents mom & dad b/c they asked that he call them that. He has no problem with it and I think actually likes it. I would be happy to call my in-laws mom & dad as well, but will wait to see if they extend the courtesy my way after the wedding. It may be old fashioned but I think its a really nice tradition to call your in-laws mom & dad. I say do it if they are ok with it!
To be honest I’m in the same boat. My FMIL asked me (demanded) me to call her Mom. I just feel really weird doing that. I have no idea what I’ll call her, especially since first name’s a no-go. Ugh.
My FILs want to be called mom and, but for me, it’s not right. I have a mom and dad. I do, however, call his grandpa grandpa. I haven’t had any of those since I was 5, so its sweet to have one who treats me like one of his own. I just his parents by their first names.
I call my inlaws mom and dad, except if i’m referencing them to my parents-I feel bad if I call them the same name and I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings.
I call mine by their first names. I have a MIL, FIL, and a step-MIL, which makes things a little more complex. If my MIL wanted me to call her mom (which she’s never mentioned) I might consider it but it would feel weird. My parents call their in-laws by their first names too.
We have a weird situation - DF and his sister call their parents by their first names. So I guess I should, too, right? I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.
Although - I have called one other lady Mom, my housemother in college. Felt pretty good after a while. 
My fiance’s mom died a few years ago, so we just have his dad. I call him both Dad and by his first name. Just depends on the situation. We always refer to his mom as Mom.
I understand your awkward feelings in transitioning to first names. But call them by what they asked to be called! After a while it comes off as rude when you insist on being formal with people. And don’t try to avoid saying their names — that is even ruder! First names work well and after the first few times it will feel natural. Good luck!
I call my FILs by their first names. I agree that a Mr. or Mrs. would be pretty awkward! I care for my FILs a lot, but I don’t feel parental love toward them. I care about them as the people who raised my amazing H2B and continue to support us in our adult life together. Generally, if people have a specific name they WANT to be called, they’ll tell you. Don’t stress about it, just use whatever name is comfortable for you.
My only experiance I had and will ever have (my FI is not close to his parents and in fact I may not even meet them until the wedding if they come) and I had the same problem!
I had no problem calling his dad “Dad” because the person I consider my dad is really my step-dad and I’ve always called him by his first name and that just worked.
The MIL was a WHOLE different story. My mom is my MOM and the only one I ever called “mom”. BUT I do call her mom (having a kid with a man tends to keep you in touch with his parents ever after you stop talking to him) because her first name is not a name I can say with a straight face. She is 100% Greman and that name is quite normal over there, so I am told, but it is just silly to me. So, I call her mom if I HAVE to, but other then that I just talk to her and don’t say any name.
I was raised to call everyone Mr and Mrs. so the first name thing is strange to me to this day, but they are going to be your family, so first names are fine - or maybe you can do Pop or Ma or something totally different from what you call your folks!
I’m in the same boat. I’ve managed to squeak by these past 6 (!) years without directly addressing either of them with a name. Maybe someday I’ll feel comfortable enough to say their names, but until then…..who knows. My FI does the same with my parents, but I imagine it being a little more awkward for him since he had both of them as teachers for several years growing up!
See I grew up in a totally different household where my parents called their inlaws by their first names. I would feel weird calling my fi’s parents mom and dad. To me I have a mom and dad, but I do the same as you and try to avoid calling them anything.
I’ve been married a little over a year and call my inlaws mom and dad. It takes some getting used to, but I call my own parents “ma” and “daddy” so it’s different. However, when referring to them when talking to my parents, I call them by their names :). I’m also traditional and I like the mom/dad idea. My hubby calls my mother, “mom” and my dad by his first name (b/c my dad told him too) LOL!
My FMIL has the same first name as me, spelled differently, but pronounced the same. It is incredibly confusing for me when I am in the same room with her. I don’t really call his parents anything, I am good at avoiding it. I haven’t call my best friend since elementary school’s mother her first name ever, even though I was over at her house all the time. She was also my school librarian, so I couldn’t figure out how to address her. 
Good question! Zach and I have been married 3 years now. I call his parents by their first names, and he calls my mom by her first name, but he calls my dad Mr. Brouillet. It’s just because my dad is a little different. When all else fails - just ask! … seeing they already said you could call them by their first name - go for it! I’m sure it’ll make them feel special when you take them up on their offer (first time coming to the blog.. love it!
I call my FMIL and FFIL by their first names right now. I don’t see the need to change it after we’re married. I have one mom and dad and I prefer to keep it that way. However, my parents insist that FI call them mom and dad after marriage and he doesn’t mind doing so.
I totally understand your angst about this, but one thing I can tell you is that my brother’s fiancee and eventually wife started avoiding calling my parents by ANY name a while before the wedding (after my parents had invited her to use their first names) and it really drove a wedge between my parents and her. My mom found it really offensive that she wouldn’t address them by name, and seemed to sometimes avoid talking to them for this reason. (Maybe that’s my mom being weird, but still — just call them by their names!!!)
My MIL would not let me call her by my first name, and insisted before the wedding I call her Mrs. so and so. Now that we’re married she suggested Mom or Mom C. Like a lot of people, I’m not comfortable with that. My mom passed away four years ago and I don’t want to call anyone else by that name. Especially since DH calls her Mama. I’m going with Mama C for now, but may just do Mama. I don’t understand why I would have to call her Mom when even her own kids don’t!
This is probably the hardest thing about marriage so far.
First names. I would be uncomfortable with Mom and Dad - and DH is the last of his siblings to get married and his other in-laws all call his parents by their first names. So it was easy for me.
I also totally avoided calling my future inlaws anything in the beginning because I wasn’t sure what to do. My FSIL calls them by the first names so I tried doing that once, but when I couldn’t get the words out, it was clear I wasn’t comfortable with that. In the Chinese culture it’s customary to call your inlaws mom and dad (which I felt better about doing), so when I explained that to them they were completely fine (and actually happy!) with it. Bottom line: do whatever feels most comfortable for you.
I call them by their first names. My FI calls my parents by their first names as well.
I email my MIL as Mom, and I am working up the courage to call her it in real life! I don’t mind calling my in laws mom and dad… I think it’s because my parents (like yours) did the same with their in laws.
My FH calls my mother by a newly created nickname. He calls (and pledges to forever call) my father “Sir” despite the fact that my father said to call him by his first name. My FILs have all of their children in law call them Mr. and Mrs. and their last name, so I will simply continue that pattern.
I use first names and sometimes Ma & Pops… which feel more right to me somehow. It takes time getting used to, for sure.
@chicagowife: “After a while it comes off as rude when you insist on being formal with people. And don’t try to avoid saying their names — that is even ruder! ”
I don’t understand how being extra formal can be ruder than not being formal enough…
For my, I find the idea of calling my FILs by their first names incredibly rude and would definitely prefer to call them either Mom/Dad or Mr./Mrs. last-name.
Well, it certainly is nice to know I am not the only one in this boat! I, like many others have avoided the use of a particular name. I just address them by focusing my attention on them and asking my question or whatever. My guess is that over time I’ll ease into their first names. (Years ago its what they told me to call them.) For now, im starting with referring to them by their first names when talking to my FI. “Ron this or Gena that” instead of “your dad this and your mom that”. For me, its actually helping my mental heel digging at calling them anything in particular.
You are an adult. You probably have co-workers your in-laws ages, and presumably you don’t worry about what to call them. It would be silly for you to call them Mr. or Mrs. xxx like you would when you were a kid.
I used this logic when I decided to call mine by their first names. Practice it on your own, and then it’ll come pretty naturally.
My parents call their in-laws by their first names, which is probably why I think its normal.
My FILs are Chinese, so we decided I’d call them by the Chinese names for mom and dad. I like it because it’s like calling them “mom and dad” without actually calling them the same thing I call my parents.
Mrs. Hibiscus wrote a post about this too: http://www.weddingbee.com/2006/11/15/what-i-now-call-my-in-laws/#more-11151
I call my MIL by her first name and my FIL “Phil”… or “FIL” if you want to be technical He likes to call me “Daughter in law” (he doesn’t have a biological daughter of his own) and in return I call him “Father in law” and that was eventually shortened to just “FIL” - by him!
I call mine AUNTIE & UNCLE. Chinese habit.
Gilmore Girls? I’m pretty sure that’s what Lorelai said in the last episode I watched to the psychologist being set up with Christopher..?
First names… wouldn’t call them Mom and Dad ever!
This is soo funny because I have always had that same anxiety about my in laws. Before the wedding I never called them anything either… unless I was awkwardly forced into it. So now that we’re married, I do call them by their first names. I still feels weird to me though. I don’t know what my problem is especially since I’ve technically known the family for 8 years! Once the wedding is overwith, you will feel a little bit better about it because you will be official! Don’t worry, the pressure does ease up… a little. ;^)
I am facing this exact problem. For 9 years (!!!!) I’ve called FH’s parents Mr. & Mrs., but they’ve asked me to call them Mom & Dad or Mom B & Dad B. This doesn’t work for me, because I’m very close to my parents and for me, only my parents get those special titles. FH calls my parents by their first names. But for his parents, first names are pretty much out, because his family considers it rude. I’m starting to think it’ll be Mr. & Mrs. forever… majorly awkward.
I’ve called the Mr.’s mom “mama” since… probably a few months into us dating! She’s just that kind of a woman though - completely caring and wonderful - it was a kind of natural thing. I do call her by her first name, say, 60% of the time but mostly it’s more appropriate anyway. I save “mom” for my mother, and I admit it’s because of the guilt factor. A loyalty to her more though.
Maybe you can work out something like this naturally - a nickname, related to “mom” or not, but something special you use?
His dad on the other hand I call by his first name and probably will for quite a while. Both of our parents are like yours in that they use mom and dad with everyone so I expect that as time passes, you’ll feel that it’s a more appropriate sentiment and something that really reflects your relationship.
I think you should cal them by their first names…especially since they asked you to. My FSIL (FI’s brother’s wife) calls my FMIL “Mrs. Lastname” She has repeatedly asked her to say “Ms. Firstname.” It really frustrates my FMIL that she does this. She feels like she is holding her at arm’s-length by being so formal. I’m planning on calling her “Ms. Firstname;” same thing I’ve called her for the last five years.
I grew up with both - my Mom called my Dad’s parents “mom and dad” and my Dad called my Mom’s parents by their first names.
I love J’s parents, but I think calling them mom and dad would be weird. I wouldn’t mind calling them by their first names, but I haven’t gotten the official go-ahead from them. Mr. and Mrs. seems too formal since I’m definitely part of the family. So, like you, I just try to avoid calling them anything! I’ll probably ask J to clarify with them for me before the wedding. He calls my parents by their first names, but that’s how they introduce themselves to all of my friends now.
(Which brings up another weird issue - all of my friends from late college on call my parents by their first names, but my best friend, who I’ve known for over 20 years, still calls them Mr. and Mrs. - even though she’s practically family)
I have a similar concern… only with a catch. My MIL has a memory disease so I call her by her first name since calling her mom might be confusing for her as her disease progresses. The part I’m really struggling with is my FIL, in the 2 years we’ve been together I’ve never addressed him directly by a name since I’ve no idea what to call him. I’m not comfortable calling anyone but my dad, dad…and my FIL and my FI have the same name. So calling him by his first name feels equally weird since it’s the same name I call my FI. I could see myself being like Meganleigh’s comment above….6 years later and still not addressing him directly!!
Wow, so many others! I’ve been worrying about this forever! My FI and I are both Greek and come from very traditional families. We can each respective set of parents Mr. and Mrs. right now. Can’t imagine anything else as it would be seen as very disrespectful. After the wedding both sets want us to call each other “Mom and Dad.” My FI and I are each freaked out about calling each others parents this even though we both grew up with our parents calling their own inlaws Mom and Dad! It just seems so weird, and his Dad is so not my Dad, etc! Can’t imagine anyone “replacing” my parents! My FI’s sister’s hubby calls them by 1st names but apparently they think it’s not “close” enough and now we are all family. So, mom and dad it will be.. or else we will be mastering the avoidance of calling them anything… We joke that we’ll just call them each “Hey You!”
First names and never “Mom” or “Dad.” I would feel really weird calling my FIL “Dad” or my MIL “Mom.” His parents are relatively young (they just turned 50, their son, my FI, is 26) so I don’t feel like there is some level of “respect” that needs to be maintained. We’re all very close; more like friends than parents.
I’m like *Meganleigh*, we’ve been together for just about 6 years now and somehow I’ve squeaked by without every referring to them by any kind of name at all. We talk like normal and I’ve called to talk to them a few times, but I have no idea what to call them, especially since they are really traditional people. We are Portuguese and we don’t really call in-laws by their first names or use Mr. & Mrs. The only terms that I know of that people use is sogro (father-in-law) or sogra (mother-in-law), but I can’t even pronounce those right because my Portuguese isn’t that good. And the other term I know if is Senora (first name for her) or Senor (first name for him). They’ve never told me what to call them, and now even though we are married I’ve just been doing the same thing as the past 6 years.
Right now I call Mr. Sushi’s mom by her first name, even though most people call her by her nickname (Shirley). I refuse to use her nickname because I think her first name is sooo much prettier (Cerlita). When she signs cards or leaves us notes, she always refers to herself as “mom” so I don’t think she would have an issue if I called her that in the future. As for Mr. Sushi’s dad, we’re both in the military so I’d feel weird calling him anything but Sgt Sushi. Both of our sets of parents call their inlaws mom and dad. I’m not really sure how my parents would feel being called mom and dad by him.
@Kate: Yay, you got it! I love that show- so hilarious!
I use first names for my in-laws and Mr. PN calls my parents by their first names. I couldn’t imagine calling them mom and dad…
I’ve been dealing with this one too. MIL wants me to call her mom BADLY even though I would really prefer not to. She wants to see me as one of her kids and I want to see her as a friend. For DH’s sake I agreed to go a long with it even though it really doesn’t feel right with me. For the most part though it doesn’t come up that much as far as actually using it. It was a little weird though to see gift tags on the Christmas presents that said “From Mom & Dad” to me when they came from his parents.
My parents have been married for over 30 years and my dad has STILL never called his in-laws anything! My mom calls her in-laws mom and dad, but I don’t think they like it very much.
FI calls my parents by their first names, and I figure I’ll do the same with his parents. He has two step parents so it makes it easier - they’re already called by their first names by FI.
I think it is best to just call them Mr. and Mrs. until they tell you otherwise. At worst they will just think you’re awfully polite!
My MIL is Mexican and I call her Señora (and use “Usted” — for those who don’t speak Spanish that is the formal way of addressing someone). I have called her that since we started dating and she has never told me to call her anything else. To me it seems a bit weird but I asked my husband and he thought it was totally normal.
Are nicknames an option? Once you actually start calling them something, it will feel more comfortable as time goes by. I call my MIL by her first name and FIL by his nickname as that is what everyone calls him. I do think my parents would be offended if I called them “mom” and “dad”. Good luck!
My sister-in-law calls my in-laws Mr. first name and Ms. first name. She says it’s a southern thing. So her husband calls her mother Ms. first name, too. It seems to work out well.
My future MIL always refers to herself as mom also, but I just feel uncomfortable calling anyone besides my parents mom & dad. I’m fairly close to my fiances mom but I feel its more of a friendship than a mother/daughter relationship. In a way I think it would be disrespectful to my parents to call my inlaws mom and dad. nope, not doing it.
First names all around! & now that I think about it (at least when they were around us), my parents called my grandparens by what we called them (make sense?) - Bama and Papa / Granny and Pa.
i started off calling my mil and fil “hello”. after 2 weeks into the marrige, my husband got a call from his mom telling him his wife shouldnt call her “hello” anymore and told him i can call them mom and dad. like you, i always feel as if i only have one mom and one dad. so in front of my in laws i call them mom & dad, in front of everyone else, i call them “his parents”. my husband does the same with my parents, we do separate it with mama & papa for his parents and mommy & daddy for my parents.
I call my mother-in-law mom and my father-in-law by his first name.
Wow, hot topic!
I use first names, but my FI, my Dad and my FIL all have the same first name… so I actually have a harder time referring to my FIL than to my MIL.
I can’t get used to the mom and dad and to be perfectly honest, I don’t know if either of them would be comfortable with it (at least until after the wedding or later)
I feel awkward calling them by their first names, because even though I call my co-workers who are the same age as my future in-laws by their first name, there is something little girl-ish about me that makes me feel disrespectful by calling them R and C!
So I call them Mr. and Mrs. Something FMIL subtly corrects me (signs her emails C and intruduces herself on the phone “Hi Latte, it’s me, C”)
I don’t know what to do either!
My FILs are T and C and while I’m sure they would LOVE for me to call them Mom and Dad (she already introduces me as her daughter…which gets funny looks because I’m so obviously not related) but I really could never call them Mom and Dad.
I call them by their first names. It’s what’s the most comfortable for me. I could NEVER call my inlaws “Mom” & “Dad” because they are not my parents! 
The only people in my FI’s family that I don’t call by name are his Granny & Pa and that’s because they are like my grandparents and their first names could get multiple peoples attention if I used them!
I love how weddingbee is not all about wedding, but real problems!! I personally call my FIL’s by their first names. I live with my FI and his dad, and I called him Mr. first name for a while, but he said it made him feel weird that his almost daughter calls him that, so I dropped the Mr and never looked back! We are already considered part of each others families, so its not weird in anyway. I call his dad’s girfriend, stepdad by their first names too. And his mom, well not sure about her cuz she wants me to call her Mom but not totaly sure about it. FI calls my mom Mom, as do all my close friends, and my dad by his first name. His dad is surely like a second dad to me, but I don’t know about calling him Dad anytime soon. Altho I really shouldn’t feel weird, I call all my BM’s parents Mom and Dad…
I plan on calling them by their first names… until grandkids come (which should be in 2-3 years) and then we’ll start calling them by both their first names and whatever moniker they want with the grandkids. (grandma, nona, whatever…)
I call my FMIL “Mrs [First Initial of Last Name].” She’s a teacher, has 7 kids of her own, and everyone everyone calls her that. I call my FSIL (who married into the FHs fam a few years ago) “Mrs [First Initial of Last Name]” as well– its like a club. My FFIL passed away several years ago, so if I ever refer to him, it is either by his first name or “Mr [First Initial of Last Name].”
FH calls my mom Ma and my dad by a nick name they concocted several years ago. I think it might be awkward for FH to call my dad “Dad” or anything like that seeing as his own father is no longer with us.
I definately beleive if you are feeling akward about the mom or First name thing do come up with a nickname… or Mom last name or mom last inital. Because seriously they are family now and you can’t keep calling family Mr & Mrs. hahaha
My FMIL insisted I call her Mom immediately after the engagement - I’ve yet to call her that because I also thought it’d feel weird and might offend my parents… BUT I actually just got off the phone with my Mom and this was one of the things we chatted about (before i even saw this post! LOL). I thought they’d be offended, but my Mom was all for it saying “why not?” and actually said the same of my Fiance - that he should start calling them Mom & Dad, too.
Best bet? Ask your parents what they think of it 
.
I call my future in-laws by their first names, and my FI calls my parents by their first names too.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling his parents “mom and dad.” And I’m not sure I want my FI calling my parents mom & dad. They aren’t his real parents- we aren’t siblings. I’m much more comfortable with first names!
Just another shout out for avoidance. It works!
Actually, since the husband’s younger sister inexplicably calls their parents by their first names, it makes it less awkward for me to call them that, too.
I do still support avoidance, though.
I’m surprised so many people avoid calling their FI/DH’s parents *anything*… wow!
I call my FI parents by their first names, as my FI does with my parents. I don’t expect that to change after we’re married. Love them as I do they aren’t my parents, so I can’t see why I’d call them as such.
I’ve called my FI’s parents by their first names for years, because that’s what they asked me to call them when we met. So I’m planning to stick with that once we’re married… “mom” and “dad” would just feel too weird to me!
I call them Gord & Mary. That’s what they asked me to call them, and I would be weird if I were to call them Mom and Dad.
(P.S. their names are Gord & Mary. That would be totally weird if their names were Jim & Barb, or something!)
[...] Hi! Can I Call You Dad? by Miss Powder Puff [...]
I call my in-laws Mom and Dad. It feels perfectly natural to me. When I’m talking to my parents it still feels a little bit awkward, but they’re happy that I’ve found a family that loves me as much as they do. When I’m talking to my brothers I call them Mom and Dad H to distinguish.
I wonder if it’s because of the language barrier, but they’ve never encouraged me to call them anything but their first names. I like it that way too.
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Mrs. Powder Puff, Chicago
Age and Occupation: 25, Preschool Teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Career Services
Engagement Date: May, 2008
Wedding Date: July, 2009
Blogging Since: November 12, 2008
Venue: Outdoor ceremony, banquet hall reception
About Me: I am your typical Midwestern girl attempting to plan a sane, budget-friendly, fun wedding to the man of my dreams. I love shoes, laughing at “Platinum Weddings”, crafts, inspiration boards, candy, and basically anything I can DIY. While weddings can certainly be all-consuming, I honestly can’t wait until the ceremony is over and I can finally call Mr. Powder Puff my husband!
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