Wedding Blog
Touchy subject! This is an issue that not a lot of women like to talk about because we really don’t ever want to admit that we are jealous. Being jealous sounds petty, selfish and so “below us”. However, I do think that people are a lot more jealous than we think! And I think it is quite normal, and okay for us to admit that we struggle with it.
Before I go further, let me give the dictionary’s definition of the word:
Jealous
| 1. | feeling resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his rich brother. |
| 2. | feeling resentment because of another’s success, advantage, etc. (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his brother’s wealth. |
| 3. | characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues. |
| 4. | inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims: a jealous husband. |
| 5. | solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something: The American people are jealous of their freedom. |
(source)
Back when I was doing wedding trials I witnessed a lot jealousy. Sadly, I mostly saw it in the bridesmaids whose attitudes rang, “Why the heck am I a bridesmaid for this girl?” I saw some jealous bridesmaids, who probably came off to the bride as being irresponsible and inattentive. This caused a lot of uncomfortable tension on the morning of the wedding day… it was very awkward! The only times I saw unconditional love and support were either from sisters or true best friend bridesmaids. It’s easy to tell who is genuinely happy for the bride. Being overly observant made me pick up some of these negative vibes and wonder where they could be coming from.
I’m sure there are a lot of reasons of why women can be jealous of each other, particularly when it comes to weddings. There could be missing links that I didn’t catch like a bad history, lots of drama and broken friendships. Some reasons I can think of are:
I admit that when I go to other people’s weddings, a part of me notices details that I wish I had done in my own wedding. I remember saying one thing out loud about wedding flowers to one of my married friends, and she said sternly, “No… don’t do that.” She knew what I was doing and I immediately nodded and understood. If I always did that, I would wind up being very unhappy and ungrateful for my own wedding! I worked very hard for our wedding and I did what I could in my own time and budget. I honestly hope to work on my own jealousy and learn to accept my wedding day as it was, without regret. Plus, being jealous takes away from celebrating someone else’s special day– a day that they worked very hard for! I remember that it was so important to me that our guests had a good time at our wedding, so I would want to have a good time for their weddings and not be bogged down with my negative thoughts. It’s different attending weddings as a married woman because your wedding already happened— But for singles, they can always jot down ideas and save them for future use. The hope for creating a beautiful and successful wedding is still possible so they aren’t as judgmental.
Again, I have to remember that the most important part of getting married is the marriage and not how lavish and perfect the wedding day is. Your wedding day is one day, but your marriage is the rest of your life! A person could have a $200K wedding and have it end in divorce, while a couple could get married at City Hall and have the most romantic marriage that will stand the test of time.
Not to downplay the importance of wedding days, since I really did care a whole lot about it, but I think it’s good to accept your jealousy, and to try to deal with it in a healthy way. I feel truly honored and blessed to have had sacrificial bridesmaids and I would DEFINITELY want to be 100% happy and supportive for them on their wedding days. It’s been good for me to just take it one step at a time — I loved my hair, I loved my dress, I loved my makeup… and I have to remind myself how lucky I was to have certain things exactly the way I wanted them!
Have you dealt with jealousy issues or witnessed them around you? How did you deal with it?
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The reality of being bridesmaids is that often times they are not married, or single. If the issue of relationship or lack thereof is remotely present, it could be VERY hard for a bridesmaid to not be jealous of the bride. True friend or not.
I was genuinely happy for all my bride friends, but I did find some times I was jealous that they found their true love and I had not. I went through a dark phase of “I’ll be alone forever because I will never find someone perfect for me”. It was hard going to weddings during that and even harder to feel real happiness for others that found their true love.
I have a single girl in my bridal party and I know I will be extremely sensitive TO HER and not make my wedding all about me, because I know what it was like, I want to make it as fun as possible for her.
What a great, straightforward post! Thanks for saying what so many women surely think about from time to time! Wedding envy is a tough thing to get around, especially if you’re (like me) a bride on a tighter budget in a city full of grand, expensive weddings. Thanks for the advice!
I really liked your post. And it made me think about one of my bridesmaids who I had a particularly hard time with, as in she wasn’t very attentive and acted like she didn’t want to be there. In light of her relationships, it makes me realize there probably was some jealously coming into play, no matter how nice I tried to be.
I really like this post, too. What can you do to make it better, though? I try and try with 2 of my 4 bridesmaids and they just don’t seem into it. They say they are excited but don’t show it and I’m sure there is some jealousy going on. I try to talk about other things beside the wedding most of the time but it doesn’t really change things. Most of our convos are through email or phone since they are both out of state and I always ask them about their relationships, etc. but I also don’t want to sound like all that matters is that stuff, but they are both in casual relationships, unhappy with their jobs, etc and I feel like I can’t say anything right. Anyone been through this and have advice?
Instead of seeing something at another persons wedding that you love and get wishful you had done it, save the idea to give to a loved one who is getting close to the ‘getting hitched’ stage in their life. Replace a negative feeling with a positive one of giving.
As I am working on planning our wedding I see things that are not us but are amazing. I stash these ideas aside for a couple of family members that are close to being engaged. Makes me smile when I think of being able to help them on their day the way they are helping me now.
I’m jealous all the time–I admit it. I’m jealous of my gorgeous co-worker who seems to have the most awesome sense of fashion and no matter how tired or stressed she is, she always looks put-together and fabulous. I’m jealous of my best friend who’s a professor and gets to take a sabbatical this semester, while I’m at work toiling away. I’m jealous of tons of people, all the time.
But all you can do is accept that you’re jealous and move on–there’s really nothing to be done about it. I work on how put-together I am, but I doubt I’ll ever look like my co-worker. And I’m not ever going to get a 6 month sabbatical, so that is what it is. All I can do is make myself and my situation the best they can be and take pleasure in the wonderful things that make up my life!
Yes, ‘jealous’ of a friend who just got engaged… still waiting!
Ok. As a foreigner I have to admit that there is too much stress put onto bride and bridesmaid shoulders in this country. There is too much planning involved in. People forget it is a celebration rather than making everything else too pretty and too perfect! I was very surprised when I heard how much in advance people start planning! months and sometimes years! in my culture we do everything in a month, including dress, place, cake food everything you can imagine. offcourse it is absolutely far from being a perfect, far from being organized but one thing is guranteed is that you will ENJOY!! which a wedding should be all about. If there is no centerpiece who cares, if there is no place cards who cares! So I can understand bridesmaids feeling. it is too much! it is too much for everyone. I have observed some brides going too crazy and stress about their weddings that they end up having so much health issues. My suggestion is just take it light and try to have fun. do not dedicate your life to wedding planning. it is just a day! does not worth loosing good friends over. If you make it easier on you and your friends, I am sure jelousy will be a minor issue.
My best friend got married a few years ago and I almost gave in to the green monstor. She and I are the same age, but I had gotten married after I joined the Army and divorced before we had the chance to do it up right. I love the whole wedding planning and so wanted to just take it over and make it MINE!! But then I stopped myself and remembered it was HER day and not mine, and I was very blessed to be part of it.
The best thing that I did (and she totally agrees with me) was to ensure that the day of the wedding she had nothing to worry about other then getting married. I made sure everything was followed up on, checked, people talked to prior to the wedding. She isn’t like me and doesn’t feel the need to be in control of every little detail, and she told me that after it was all over, it was nice to not have to worry that day. Even her husband was happy that I was the one “yelling” at the people to get things done so that they didn’t have to have anything spoil the day.
I did the same thing for my cousin and my goodness, I feel like I should be a DOC because I just love making sure that everything is perfect and fabulous.
Maybe after the whole country gets back on it’s feet, I’ll look into it - or better yet, after I see how I do with my wedding!!
Everyone has their own ideas of what THEY want and they need to step back and appreciate what someone else has chosen as what THEY want.
Great topic!!
I totally agree with Lucy - I get jealous ALL the time. So you cannot imagine how bad it was when my “perfect” friend got engaged a month after I did and started planning her wedding for the month after mine. It was a bad couple of days for me - feeling crazy jealous and worried about how people would compare us (and she’d always win!), then feeling really bad for feeling jealous. But, you just have to let yourself have the feelings so that you can get over it!
I am totally susceptible to jealousy when it comes to fabulous things (home, travel, clothing) I can’t afford. But even so, I’ve never understood being jealous of other people’s HAPPINESS. Except for the very, very rare situation where we’re competing directly for a limited opportunity (a job, maybe a particular man), another woman’s success doesn’t diminish my own chance of success. Every woman struggles in life for one reason or another, and I’d like to think another woman’s success only adds to our situation as a whole…. So why do we so rarely cheer one another on?
Thanks so much for this post — I think it is really hard to deal with jealousy sometimes. All in all I just try to remember that there is no competition going on. Everyone has different resources and different styles and different emotional needs. I just got married and am in a bunch of weddings coming up and I’m just trying to be happy for all of my friends (and sister!).
GREAT post–I feel as if jealousy is ruining my wedding. My sister BM won’t even speak to me over a dress!! (Maybe I just talked too much about the wedding? But it is in 5 mos!) I feel like some of mt BMs can’t be happy for me. 
There were three of us in high school that were very good friends and we have all gotten engaged within 6 months of each other. K’s was the first then B then me. Now K is planning an october wedding and B a November wedding and I am planning for a wedding in 2011. It is awful to watch K and B. They are both worried about people comparing one wedding to the other. It is sad but I am learning a lot by watching the train wreck that is happening.
I am a fully jealous person. So jealous, I don’t even bother to cope with it or deal with it. I just own it. I’m jealous. I should probably work on it, but I feel like it’s one of my defining traits, sadly.
Ohhh wedding jealousy is the worst! Two weeks after my wedding, one of my dearest friends is getting married…and then two weeks after that, ANOTHER close friend! Both of them have budgets that are well over twice what mine is. Even typing this makes me feel wound up and sad. I wish I didn’t care, and I know people won’t compare us, but it still smarts. It’s hard when I hear them stressing about details that aren’t even possibilities for me. I feel like a bad friend. Hopefully I’ll find a way to move past all of this by the time my wedding rolls around!
I will be getting married in a few months, and my single co-worker who is suppose to be my good friend is acting so jealous. She loves to be the centre of attention, and I don’t. I barely even bring up the wedding even though many people at work ask, and I have to pretend that I’m not even planning, because I have to be sensitive towards her. She thinks weddings are a waste of time, when to me I’m spending so much money and time bringing two families together….she doesnt seem to get it. Im actually afraid she’s going to do something to ruin the day It’s really not fair, or normal. I dont know why women act this way
my wedding was in jan this year, it was over…
i had couple of friends getting married after me.. i admit i get jealous at one of them, as she is my best friend. i get jealous as she seem to have chosen a nicer gown than i did. Her wedding venue was so grand and beautiful, while i only could have a wedding in a small lounge….
I had a beautiful wedding as well… i danced with my husband…. my hus and I truly enjoyed ourselves, so were my guests….
it was a small scale yet memorable wedding for me…
BUT … i just can’t help feeling jealous of this friend….. So jealous that I said something to her to make her feel that her gown was not the best…
i told her i had another friend who had very impressive gown and i had never seen such an impressive gown before… and i commented that her gown is too simple….
after that…. i felt extremely guilty
please help…. i really need to overcome my jealousy
Great post. I’m going to a friend’s wedding tomorrow and am surprising myself with these feelings of jealousy. I got married about 1/2 year ago, and my wedding was beautiful. Everything, from the weather to the food to the DJ to my hair/dress/makeup was perfect, so why am I feeling jealous?? I guess I keep fearing that her wedding will somehow seem better, and then it will make me realize that mine wasn’t as perfect as I thought. Petty, I know. Maybe it’s because hers is in NYC and mine was in a small town… Grr! I’m going to try my best to be happy for her and remember that nothing could have gone better on my day, but it really is hard!
Interesting posts. Unfortunately jealousy is a real thing and something we all have to learn to forgive. I had one bridesmaid who attended our wedding last year who unfortunately became incredibly jealous over lord knows what.. I tried to talk to her to find out if anything was wrong, and to see if we could have a heart to heart to clear “it” up, but she refused to admit a problem nor change her attitude after I brought up that I sensed a change. She had accepted being a bridesmaid a few months prior which seemed at the time “wholeheartedly.” But as the wedding drew closer something happened that seemed to really upset her and nothing I said would help her care to understand that her attitude was upsetting me. It was a real bummer for sure, but I realized that she wasn’t the friend (sadly) that I thought she was. I remember feeling genuinely happy to be in her wedding a few years back, but the same feeling clearly wasn’t returned at mine. Ive learned through observation that she was likely upset that she wasn’t going to be the center of attention. I do believe that was what bothered her from seeing how she conducted herself at my wedding. As hard as it was, I’ve forgiven her for this problem she has. Sadly however, knowing how difficult she had acted towards me up until our wedding, I’ve learned that she is not the friend I thought she was. It’s sad that sometimes it may be our wedding day that we see these people for who they are, but try to keep in mind it’s about your marriage, not the party. Your true friends will be happy for you both 
Forgive those who behave poorly, sometimes they just can’t seem to help themselves. my recommendation-consider distancing yourself from these people like I did during your wedding events so you don’t get sucked in.. unfortunately uninviting these people doesn’t seem like a viable option after you’ve already invited them.
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Mrs. Caramel, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 24, Art Gallery/Museums
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Engineer
Engagement Date: January 8, 2007
Wedding Date: October 6, 2007
Venue: a beautiful church and hotel reception
About Me: I love dancing, singing, eating out, eating in, surfing on the net, and brainstorming fantastic ideas. I also love cats, coffee, and know every quote written on Sex & the City. I'm known to laugh really loud and have really crazy hand gestures while I talk. My fiance writes songs and I take pictures. What else? We're just a crazy young couple in love, trying to make a fabulous wedding!
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