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Well, they don’t make it easy.
“They” being your respective governments. When Mr. D’orsay and I first decided that we wanted to see each other for longer than a week or two, we started researching immigration laws. It was very difficult to find any resource that gave a simplistic overview of the process; everything was either a forum full of expat horror stories or complicated government jargon. I hope this serves as a comfort to anyone else going through the process, and informative to everyone else. I can only offer you our experience regarding US immigration with a sprinkle of UK immigration, but I still hope it helps you to know you’re not alone in this process.
In the US, visitors from certain foreign countries can enter the country for up to 90 days. You should know important information regarding how you plan to support yourself during your stay, information regarding your return ticket, who you are going to visit, and the address that you’ll be staying at. The government wants to be sure you’re able to support yourself while you’re here and you don’t plan on overstaying. The only issue going through the visa waiver program is that you don’t have the right to appeal, so if you’re denied or if they stamp you for a shorter stay, then you have to do what they say.
In the UK, visitors on the same type of visa waiver program as in the US can enter for up to 6 months.
Since it is such a long time, they are very wary of people coming to stay for so long. You need to have all the same information as mentioned above, but it’s probably best if you provide backup documents. I didn’t have any supporting evidence, but to be honest, it was the first stamp in my passport, so I think that helped my case since I was more bewildered than anything. They did end up detaining me, but only for an hour or so and to check out what Mr.D’orsay and I said separately. Their biggest concern was whether or not I planned on working while I was in England and they wanted to make sure I didn’t overstay.
The best thing I can say about borders and border security is to simply tell the truth. Mr. D’orsay and I were staying with his mother, he owns two businesses, I had wedding invitations in my bag, etc. I did feel exasperated about being detained, and I wanted to shout, “Do you think we’d really design, custom stamp, emboss, and assemble our invitations, and then pay the US government almost $500 if we were just going to hang out indefinitely here?!!!?” But thankfully I was able to keep my cool long enough to be let into the country. It really all depends on who you get. You could have a surly immigration officer, or you could have a friendly one. You never know who you’re going to get.
What obstacles have you had to overcome to see your future husband?
My best friend married a guy from England and it was really funny to see them go through the green card process. They had to do their series of interviews where they interviewed separately from one another. Even though they were madly in love and obviously getting married for all the right reasons, it was still funny to see them “quiz” each other on random things (all of which I dont really know if they ask or not). Like, POP QUIZ! Which side of the bed do I sleep on? You have 5 seconds to answer!
Oh Gosh!!! Went through a Fiance visa, 2 student visas, and had to get married before the wedding just legally to start the paperwork with immigration. It took me over 8 months of paperwork to become a permanent resident, $2000 for the US government, another $1500 for the lawyer, 1 interview that went very well.. and don’t forget to keep about every proof of your relationship (plane tickets, emails, cards….) so about 3 years of proofs we kept just for immigration! Then in 2 years we have to apply for another green card (yep, the 1st one is only valid for 2 years), and then maybe citizenship, but we aren’t there YET! It is the biggest pain in the butt and we did it all legally. I don’t even want to know how long it take for people who get married on a tourist visa (I was on a J1), because you are not supposed to enter the country with the intention of getting married if you are on a tourist visa! Good luck!
My family is English [many are now naturalized American citizen] so we’ve seen the complications of jumping pond permanently or semi-permanently. Green cards, visas- such a mess.
As the first member of my family to be born on US soil, I’m a British citizen by descent, but even that fact doesn’t make things as easy as I’d like. As I understand it, if I attempt to stay in the UK for too long [even though I am technically acknowledged as a citizen] the US will likely call my US citizenship into question and put forth terms of revocation. The US, as it turns out, is not a fan of sharing their citizens.
Best of luck to you in your struggle through a mighty lot of red (white, and blue) tape!
My obstacles don’t begin to compare to yours and those of the couples above me.
@Marina: Kudos to you and your husband for doing it all by the book, it sounds like they don’t make it very easy.
@mse: it is nearly impossible to loose your American citizenship, no matter how long you stay abroad. The US allows its citizens to have duel (and even “multinational”) citizenship with other countries. If you really TRY, it’s possible to loose your citizenship by being naturalized to another country, serving in another country’s armed forces without prior consent from the United States, working for a foreign government, or formally renouncing your citizenship @ at US Consular office (all this can be found on the 4th page of your US passport).
I’ve lived in Europe for five years, and have gone through student visas, work visas, stay visas granted on demonstrating financial solvency, and even been “clandestine” (i.e. without legal status), though never by choice, I was dealing with sloooow bureaucracy in what is considered by many the most bureaucratic country in the world (Italy).
It’s a pain, and it’s stressful, and often very, very scary, but there’s nothing like the feeling of satisfaction when you get through all the (rolls & rolls) of red tape!
My husband and I had to get legally married 5 months before the wedding just so we could stay together in France! And then we had to return to the US to get my spouse visa….all very complicated and expensive!!
yeah my obstacles are not as tough as any of yours, but we did do the long distance thing for a few years and it was a pain in the arse. Props to you for pushing through it all!
@Marina: @mse: @emilyinparis: I wish we didn’t have to go through so many obstacles, but it feels really nice to know we’re not alone! Congrats Marina for finally getting through at least the first few stages of it all!
@everyone props to everyone here who has overcome things to be with their spouse - you’re awesome and tough and you all rule 
Take heart, Miss D’orsay. We’re about to start on my K1 visa too. Eeeeeks.
Same thing here: immigration.
It was a long process, because of long distance we didn’t get to spend much time together and there was many months of separation at a time to deal with. Things to almost start over every time.
It’s not always easy to decide where a relationship is going when you can see each other every day, it’s even harder when there is an ocean to cross and immigration to deal with every time.
You have to take risks, you have to believe and trust with all your heart.
I ended up coming back just to be with him, in the end because we couldn’t stay being separated again, because I didn’t know when I would be able to come back again (by fear of hearing immigration tell me no you can’t come), we just got married and started the GC processed described by Marina (minus the lawyer fees)…
It’s a pain in the butt, and it’s not always easy, because with immigration there is no in between when it comes to relationships. You either get married or you can’t get a visa/GC.
But you know what? I believe it made our relationship stronger. We know how to deal with long distance. We learned to trust at 100% from the very beginning. We struggled to get where we are, but that gives us a different strength.
Long post, sorry… There is just so much to say about it.
Makes me so happy Mr. Avo has his green card. Well until 2015 at least. Then we are going to have to figure out something else altogether (he doesn’t ever plan on applying to become a US citizen.)
Wow,
I am so glad that I am not the only one who has to go through all this stuff!! I am in the midst of sorting out the fiance visa so that we can get married in Oct. no fun. The paper work that is in my future is very daunting. And, who knew you needed to keep every plane ticket, hotel receipt and to date every picture you ever took so you can prove you even know each other!! Ridiculous!
Don’t worry! It eventually gets easier. My sister-in-law is from Russia and had to spend a year trying to get all of her documents approved before she could come back to get married. But it’s all worth it in the end!
check out visajourney.com -it has been so so helpful to me! it gives you timelines and has a forum to ask for help. i’m going through this process as well and as frustrating and challenging as it can be to navigate the immigration system - it’s nice to hear other’s successes and advice.
wow, I’m scared now. We haven’t yet started the US immigration process and I didn’t realize you couldn’t get married while in the states on a tourist visa. FI (not an American citizen) and I do not plan to live in the US until maybe 3 years after we marry and he does not want to give up his citizenship so figured we had some time to deal with that since I am currently working at a University here and have my visa in line. I get the impression that it is easier to stay in Germany as a married couple than in the US but will start my research early now. Good luck with the UK, I got hassled going into Heathrow for a business meeting taking place at a TBD location even though I had a return flight out 5 hours later.
@slicey19:
Did you figure anything out about marrying someone from Germany? My boyfriend and I have been living in our respective countries for the last 6 years doing long distance and I am moving there in 2 months to hopefully start working in a position his uncle has arranged for me. I want to marry him, but all the info I have found about marrying someone from another country or marrying in Germany is confusing. Were you able to find any info that was helpful? And were you able to get married since this post? I sure hope so!
@Julie: If you want to live here, it would probably be a similar process to what I went through and I would really recommend Visa Journey. If you want to live in Germany, I have no idea 
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Mrs. D'orsay, Baltimore/Lancaster UK Age and Occupation: 24, nonprofit communications Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Web site developer and designer; co-owner of men's skincare shop Engagement Date: August 10, 2008 Wedding Date: August, 2009 Venue: Oakland Manor About Me: I'm a Maryland raised environmental policy wonk/activist/organizer and communications aficionado. In the past year I've lived in Baltimore, MD, Tucson, AZ, Miami, FL and Lancaster, England. In my not so spare time I enjoy planning trips with Mr. D' Orsay, visiting friends and family and crafting like a mo-fo. I also enjoy modern dance classes, rugby and soccer but have been banned by my mother, MOHs, and Mr. D' Orsay from playing till after the wedding. I have an unnatural addiction to cheese and shoes, but love Mr. D' Orsay more than either and can't wait to become Mrs. D' Orsay!
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