Wedding Blog
A recent question posed to the feisty Dear Abby (sidenote: I *heart* Dear Abby. And Margo.) got me thinking about dietary lifestyles and wedding receptions.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter and future son-in-law are being married this summer. They are both vegans, and are planning a vegan dinner for their reception. I thought it was a very cool way of showing what different types of vegan dishes could be planned, but I’m getting grief from my husband. He thinks it is “selfish” of them not to offer a meat dish. I couldn’t disagree more.
I told him I think they are right, but that I’d write to you and ask your opinion. It will have no effect on their reception, but I’d like to quiet things down on the home front. — FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR FUTURE M-I-L (Abby even knows the wedding acronyms - she is so with it!): This will be your daughter’s day, not your husband’s. I’m sure the food they offer will be not only delicious, but also sufficient to satisfy the guests, who may not even realize they aren’t being offered meat.
If your husband is concerned about what will be served, he should eat before going to the wedding. Please tell him I said so, and let him chew on that.
I’m a vegetarian (Mr Quiche is not) but it never occurred to me to have a vegetarian reception. However, I have to agree with Abby on this one. If the couple wants to have a vegetarian wedding feast, then that is what they should have. Unfortunately, they don’t delve into the details of who is paying for what, etc., which may muddy things up a bit.
Same goes for alcohol - for a couple who doesn’t drink, should they feel like they have to have an open bar (or a cash bar, for that matter)? Again, I think it is completely appropriate for the couples’ lifestyle to dictate the reception, should they so choose.
Does you reception reflect your dietary lifestyle? What’s your opinion on this topic?
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The alcohol conversation has been an interesting one for us. My FH and I drink, but neither of our families do. Naturally, my parents don’t want to pay for an open bar, so now my FH and I are debating if it’s worth it to pay for it ourselves. (We aren’t exactly rolling in dough!) I’m just afraid a cash bar would be tacky…what do you all think??
We are both meat-eaters, and my fiance has a love affair with bacon that cannot be battled. But at least 50% of our guests are vegetarians, and so we worked with our caterers to create delicious and satisfying vegetarian dishes as well as things like short rib sliders and bacon and smoked gouda polenta. Yum!
We’re offering fish and pork (and a vegetarian option) at our reception. They’re Mr. MagPie and my favorites, and we’re looking forward to a unique meal — and not giving guests the usual “chicken or beef” choice!
We had a mostly vegetarian reception (a fish appetizer and a duck in the passed hor’dorves). Mr. PN is a major meat-eater but I don’t eat meat (red meat, polutry, etc.). I think everyone enjoyed the food and most people didn’t miss the meat. We got some grief but people didn’t care too much.
My FH doesn’t eat beef so we have chosen to serve Chicken and Pork at our reception. My Dad lives on red meat so my parents are having a hard time understanding why we won’t be serving it. Abby is right, the day is about us. We should be able to eat everything offered that day.
Our venue is allowing us 4 different options for a reasonable fee, so we are going to have a beef, chicken, fish and veggie option. Mr. Taffy and I are both pescatarians, but I will probably do the “tasting” for the chicken and beef choices when we go to choose our dishes.
@august15bride: The word “tacky” is very subjective, in my opinion 
Read what the Offbeat Bride has to say here http://offbeatbride.com/2008/07/tacky. Someone will always find something “tacky” & there isn’t much you can do about it! If you want a cash bar, by all means - have a cash bar!
Oh, and btw Miss Quiche, I love your blog post title — it’s like the most bizarre features section headline for some crazy newspaper.
While all of my family and some of my FIs family drink, my FI and I do not. We will be having a dry reception. We have many people from our church attending as well who do not drink, and while it would not bother me or my FI, I think it would make them feel uncomfortable. Plus it’s cheaper! 
We just met with our chef about the menu because I have several food allergies (eggs, gluten, dairy, soy, beans,..the list goes on). The CHEF was adamant about making sure all the food was safe for me to eat so he took our requests and is working on coming up with the same food without the ingrediants I’m allergic to. I was actually unsure of this (I don’t want to force my cheese-free lifestyle on others) but he’s confident people won’t even notice.
We are going to have the cake be primarily the normal ingrediants with a layer that I can eat…luckily the resort has a chef there that is allergic to gluten, etc, herself who can work with our chef and pastry chef.
My FI and I drink, but our families don’t. The question was easily settled, though, because our venue doesn’t allow alcohol (we’re getting married in “the dry capital of the world”)!
His friends are pissed, but I told them that if they sneak alcohol in, they’re going to be the ones paying me back the $200 deposit.
When it comes to drinking, I wouldn’t expect a non-drinking bride and groom to serve alcohol at their wedding if they don’t drink. That’s a very personal choice–there are lots of different reasons why people drink or do not drink. I don’t, however, like cash bars. I think there are other ways of achieving the savings or consumption control that you want, that don’t require your guests to spend money at your wedding.
When it comes to food, I think the bride and groom’s taste and diet should be the first consideration, but I don’t think your wedding is necessarily the best venue for trying to convert the family to mysterious seitan dishes or other products that will be totally foreign to them. If a vegan or vegetarian wanted no meat at all, that can be achieved while still providing things meat eaters will find delicious if the meal isn’t full of meat substitutes.
It seems like everyone feels differently about how much they should consider their guests preferences in their choices of food and drink. West Coast Groom and I are serving Pork Tenderloin, Seafood, several salads and a vegetarian pasta dish. I’m happy with provided choice, and not getting too specific about it. West Coast Groom’s attitude is that people should eat whatever we serve them, so hopefully we’re landing somewhere in the middle!
Both me and my FI are vegetarian, so it was natural to us that we’d have a vegetarian reception. It’s both a moral and environmental choice for the both of us and neither of us would have felt entirely comfortable having meat at our reception. That being said, we made sure that our menu would appeal to all diet-types. I think lots of fake meat would not go over well.
We also are having no booze. My FI objects on moral grounds (not religious) and I drink very rarely. Combine that with a daytime wedding, family histories, and the cash layout, alcohol doesn’t make sense for us.
I’m sure some people will be put out by one or both of our choices, but they are choices that reflect who we are, so oh well!
My sister is gluten free, and if she happens to marry someone who is as well I fully support the idea of a gluten-free reception for them. I don’t like when people say that their way is the best way to eat. If you went to a Chinese wedding would you demand a steak for dinner?
I agree that the bride and groom’s preferances should be given top priority, but I also think they should think about their guests, too. If the overwhelming majority of guests are not vegetarians, then I think the couple should include a meat option. Ditto if the overwhelming majority are vegetarians and the couple is not. I just personally feel that if guests are coming to my wedding (many from out of town, paying for hotels, travel expenses and giving us a gift), they should be served something that they would eat.
That being said, I don’t think it necessarily includes an open bar. Money obviously comes into play there (as does religious/moral beliefs). My fiance doesn’t drink but I do, and the family/friends are split, but we decided to do an open bar. We also don’t eat seafood, but are having a couple seafood hors d’oeurves, for those who may enjoy it.
You touched on the subject… if my parents were paying, and I was a vegetarian and they were not, and they had a preference… I would go with whatever their preference was, since it was their money.
I always would err to the side of “crowd pleasing” though…. I know I’m always excited to get a nice steak at a wedding, and I know many people feel the same way. So, I’d probably still pick crowd pleasing favorites, no matter my dietary choices and restrictions.
PS: that’s weird that it has me as a guest, when I’m a member…
We went to a wedding in Milwaukee in July and the bride and groom served a mostly vegetarian meal (crab cakes were served as an appetizer). I thought was great, though I did overhear a few people asking “Where is the chicken”. But you can never please everyone. Especially not at weddings!
I totally agree as well. I mean, its nice to have a variety of options but if you feel strongly about your diet, then.. well, its a good way to open people’s eyes to your lifestyle and expose them to something new. Our wedding is brasilian bbq… so we’re not even offering a vegetarian dish. Well i guess if you just eat the plated rice, cheese bread, and salad it’s vegetarian… So we’ve been handing out plenty of warning to people.. that this is gonna be a meat filled event. So far only my cousin is the vegetarian i know, and i think she’ll just munch on the rice and veggies and cheese bread
We are having a vegetarian wedding for religious reasons. My family is Indian and we are having a full Indian wedding so that’s the type of food we are serving. My FI is Irish/German and from a family full of meat-eaters, but he’s been really flexible about the food cause he loves Indian food and knows that this is something that was really important to my parents.
I agree with Abby - people should understand that they are going to the wedding of two vegetarians. We’re getting married at a winery that doesn’t allow hard liquor, just their wine, we were worried at first ppl would be upset b/c there was no hard liquor, but quickly got over that
august15bride, you should check out if your venue has a per drink open bar option rather than the usual flat price per head. That way you are billed for what people actually consume, giving drinkers the chance to drink without paying, but not wasting money buying alcohol for all the non-drinkers. Once we get our RSVPs we are going to calculate our best guess of which way will be cheaper for us.
I disagree. Just like a vegetarian would go to a wedding expecting to have a “vegetarian” option, a meat eater would do the same. I understand and respect people’s personal diet choices but that’s just it, it’s your personal choice not your guests’. The option should be there. I would feel better about a vegan dessert or appetizer but the entire meal, no. I hate tomatoes but if i had guests in my home would I make them a salad or sandwich with no tomatoes? Of course not! It doesn’t hurt their diet either way if their guests eat meat! Should diabetics offer only diabetic friendly meals? Same logic. Makes no sense to this pescatarian.
We are both vegetarians and will have a vegetarian reception. At other meals there will be more options (like a rehearsal dinner at a restaurant…). I did worry about this a bit after I went to a 50th-anniversary party with all vegetarian food and a lot of the guests just pushed their food around, but I think we’ll have a really good menu. In our case, it’ll be easy to handle because there won’t be too many guests. I look at it like this: when people come to dinner at our home, there is no meat served; but, if we go out to eat you can get whatever you want.
My fiance and I knew we wanted to have a vegetarian reception. We’re having heavy passed hors d’oeuvres the entire night followed by cake and other sweet treats. My parents will be footing the bill, but have been beyond understanding. We’re having a small wedding and everyone seems to repect that this is an event representative of who we are as a couple and that being vegetarian is one of our most fundamental, ethical beliefs. And honestly, in the grand scheme of it all, it’s a few hours without meat, where hopefully people are having too much fun to notice.
@West Coast Bride: Yeah - I definitely don’t see the reception as the place to introduce people to the wonders of seitan (I love that stuff!), but more “common” vegetarian dishes would be appropriate.
It doesn’t bother me one bit that we are serving meat. As a matter of fact, I think there is only one vegatarian (me) and one vegetarian dish - and I am fine with that!
Hot topic! But I can’t resist putting in my $0.02:
DH and I were thrilled to be able to meet all our guests’ dietary need and preferences (no meat, no fish/shellfish, no pork, no gluten, no nuts, no eggs). However, we had the potential to do so because (1) we had a small wedding, (2) we had a buffet, so guests could pick and choose, (3) the available menu had delicious, appropriate options.
But that said, I agree 100% with Abby and “Future MIL.” There is so much talk in wedding planning these days about “infusing” your own personality and lifestyle into “your big day.” But heaven forbid that mean no steak!! Oh, please! No one attends a wedding for the food. You go to a wedding to show your support for the couple. Go to a restaurant if you want to special order.
Even if it’s not their preference, I would hope guests would suck it up and not complain. It’s just ONE MEAL, goshdarnit (and one that is likely being paid for by the couple, at that).
I think if you have certain convictions there is nothing wrong with making choices for your wedding based on those beliefs. People aren’t going to a wedding for the food (I hope!).
We aren’t having alcohol at our wedding. It took a long time to decide whether we should serve or not. Our families are very conservative, and it is a small wedding, so there would be maybe five people who would visit the bar. We decided to have a champagne toast and serve fun non-alcoholic drinks instead.
we made most of our decisions based on what we thought the guests would enjoy best. but above that, i say every couple should do as they feel is most right for them. if there’s any guests who would be bothered by the freaking meal preference at your wedding, you probably don’t (or shouldn’t) care all that much about their opinion anyway. i think the dad should just get over himself, but if i was the bride and my dad was paying, i’d certainly work with his preferences.
I think that you should be able to serve what you want at your wedding, but with some caveats. For example, if my FI and I LOVE meat, but half of our guests are vegetarians, I would think that it would be rude to not offer them something to eat! No one wants hungry unhappy guests!
@Miss Quiche: I love it too, and I’m not even vegetarian!
I am a vegetarian, although I do not consider myself a ‘crusading vegetarian.’ That said, the really important thing to remember on this topic is that for many vegetarians or vegans, their diet is not a ‘preference’ but a very strong ethical belief. It could be for animal rights reasons, environmental reasons, or a series of other reasons. Being annoyed, then, that the couple/individual has not compromised their principles for the guest’s pleasure….uh, no. If the guest is that selfish and cannot respect the person’s belief, then they should stay at home or eat before they come.
We are having a dry reception and it was a tough choice. While we go out with our friends, neither my FI nor I drink. Our families and our parents friends are mostly conservative, but our friends like to drink. It was a difficult decision because we did not want to make anyone uncomfortable, but in the end, we are having an afternoon wedding, a dry early evening reception, and going out with our friends after our parents’ generation heads back to the hotel for the night.
I think if the menu is well thought-out, no one will really notice what is absent (be it alcohol or meat) because they will be enjoying what IS being served. That being said, it was important to us, even though we are meat-eaters, to have a great veggie option because we know that many of our friends get tired of not having a tasty meal at weddings.
We eat meat, but of course we provided vegan/vegetarian stuff at the reception for those that way inclined. But it’s different the other way around - carnivores CAN eat veggie food, but veggies can’t eat meat! I don’t see why the vegan couple shouldn’t just serve vegan food if they want to - no one will starve!
Nail on the head, Miss Quiche (and Dear Abby)!! I’m in the same boat (I’m veg, my FI isn’t). It would have been our prerogative to go meatless since we’re footing the bill, but I realize it’s his wedding too, so we’re serving a meat & veg option (which will be super delicious, as ME, 2 of my BMs & several guests are veg.) We originally compromised on all veg apps, but we’ll see after our tasting on Tues-YUM!) Our caterer doesn’t even really give a decent price break for cutting the meat out. I even contemplated a vegan cake, but I’m not vegan, so we’re doing vegan cupcakes (AND a non-vegan cake). Great deal, delicious cake-vegan or not in the Chi-Naomi at TipsyCake-tell her Eileen sent you! SERIOUSLY, if one more person says, “but people EXPECT meat at a wedding,” I am going to have a FIT! In all honesty, I know meat will tarnish my most perfect day (I don’t eat meat because of animal cruelty issues, and well, it’s disgusting), but a marriage is about compromise. (MY BMs, who are also my BFFs are always poking in my pantry-are these vegan marshmallows? No, guys, remember-Jeremy eats M-E-A-T!) One of my BMs had a lavish reception w/ no booze (religious reasons) and a vegetarian meal w/ vegan cake–it was exquisite! Wow–that was a rant!
CONT..
btw, are the veg gals w/ me on this? -Whenever there’s passed apps., don’t you hate having to ask: “Does this have meat in it or is it made w/ any animal ingredients?” That’s why I’m pro-veg (even vegan) apps. It’s embarrassing & pain to have to always keep asking!
wow. everyone has a lot to say about this and I have to say, it’s really helpful to read. I’m a meat-eater and the fiance is a vegetarian and his mom is vegan. We’re not getting married until June of 2010 so no menu-planning yet but I agree with Abby. We will be serving options for both meat-eaters and vegetarians, and maybe even a vegan option (like I said, no menu-planning yet!). I agree with Mrs. Sea Breeze that it’s only one meal so I hope our choices will cover all!
I’m all for the idea of doing a meal that reflects the couple. As a guest I’d be thrilled to try something completely different!
@eileen marie: I’d say 75% of passed apps contain meat. It makes me crazy asking that question all the time!!
@Mrs. Cupcake: I can’t take credit for that - it’s all Abby
Thanks for posting this Miss Quiche! We are vegetarians and are having a tapas style vegetarian reception. We think that by serving a wide variety of food in smaller portions, people will be able to try a bunch of different types of delicious vegetarian and vegan food.
Since I love throwing dinner parties, I’ve gotten quite used to feeding meat-eaters vegetarian meals. My family of carnivores loves it when I cook for them! I have yet to have a meat eater complain about my famous chipolte mac and cheese or goat cheese and pear pizza. I think the key is making sure the food tastes good and uses ingredients that everyone loves. I also try to make sure I include plenty of fat and protein so that people who are used to filling up on meat will feel full. I also try to think about serving “umami” rich ingredients such as parmesan cheese, tomatoes, and mushrooms because it tends to help meat eaters feel as if they’ve eaten something heartier. Smoked flavors (like chipotle, fire roasted tomatoes, and smokes cheeses) also really give things a “meatier” taste. These little tips have really helped me turn omnivores on to meatless meals… I think when people hear the word “vegetarian” they think of bland tofu and tasteless salad, and I am living proof that vegetarian and vegan meals can be absolutely delicious for everyone. I can’t wait to meet with my caterer next month so we can think us some mouth-watering dishes to serve at our reception! Good luck other veg couples who are having vegetarian receptions… I’m sure the guests who will love your vegetarian offerings far outweigh the one or two who might miss their filet mignon.
@thriftsiren: Yum! Sounds delicious - let me know how it turns out!
My feeling on the matter is that it would be considered really rude (or at least inconsiderate) for a meat-eating couple to not provide any vegetarian options to their guests, so I really don’t see why it should be different the other way around. Maybe just having the option to add chicken to a salad or something, but if it’s rude one way, it’s still rude when you reverse it.
I understand where people are coming from by thinking that veg*ns should provide a meat entree at their wedding because they would be given an option at a meat-eater’s wedding, but I do disagree. Most meat-eaters aren’t eating meat because they have moral beliefs that guide them to make that decision. They eat meat because they like it, they’ve always eaten it, and in some cases, because they think it’s good for them. Many veg*ns, however, don’t eat meat for ethical reasons. So, to expect a veg*n who is getting married to ignore those beliefs for the most important day of his/her life is asking much more than asking a meat-eater to avoid meat for one meal. Afterall, everyone can eat everything at a veg*n reception. Meat-eaters could always grab some meat before or after, or load up on it at breakfast and lunch the day of the meal.
Overall, the choices of the bride and groom should be respected.
[...] the past, I’ve divulged my love for Dear Abby and Margo. No B.S. advice, handed down to you daily. I also love Annabel [...]
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Mrs. Quiche, Chicago/Montego Bay
Age and Occupation: 28, Interior Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 42, Telecom Guru
Engagement Date: July 2, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Venue: Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
About Me: I love Chicago and can’t imagine living anywhere else (Well, except Paris. Or anywhere in France, for that matter!). I’m a full-time worker, part-time student, soon-to-be-step-mom, indie music lovin’, architecture and design fanatic, macaroni and cheese addict, vegetarian, Francophile, Ohio State football obsessed, wedding planning girl. Mr. Quiche and I are “Partners-in-Crime” and cannot wait to celebrate our marriage surrounded by our family and closest friends. I plan on DIYing my little heart out (or as much as a suitcase to Jamaica will hold).
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