Wedding Blog

“Isn’t it a crying shame that nothing ever stays the same/ I can’t fit into that wedding dress or be 23 again/ but you’re looking at me now like you don’t know who I am.

The lyrics above are from a song called “Confetti” by one of my FAVORITE singer-songwriters, Lori McKenna. Lori’s music is all so heartfelt and deeply personal. She is a mother of five from Stoughton, Massachusetts, and she has quickly risen to be a highly respected writer in the music world. If you’ve never heard of her before, YOU MUST, MUST, MUST check her out. She is amazing.

Anyway, “Confetti” is written from the perspective of a woman reflecting on life after her wedding day. She sings about how different and lost she feels after many years of marriage, and the difficulty of hanging on to individuality and identity while being in a long-term relationship. The song is sad, but a good topic of conversation (in my opinion, anyhow!).

A few years ago, Lance Armstrong’s (of yellow vest fame!) ex-wife Kristin wrote a book and ran the talk show circuit discussing how her biggest mistake in marriage was to completely throw away her identity. She says in her famous Glamour magazine article (5/1/2006) …

If you ask me today what I truly love, I can easily tell you I love God, my family, my friends, fireworks displays, a good red wine, staying up late with a mystery novel, a sweaty run, painting abstract art, indulging my organizational compulsions, laughing until no sound comes out and taking my time. If you had asked me when I was married what I loved, I would have automatically told you the things that I loved about my husband: the confident, easy way he traveled between countries…, or the way he could fearlessly MSH (our acronym for “Make Shit Happen…”), or the little-known fact that he is a good photographer.

Mr. Dragon and I have been together for four years now, a mere blip on the lifetime we plan to spend together. However, I already feel pangs of guarding my identity. We are going to go through our lives TOGETHER, and because that involves two people, compromise closely follows. When you are in a serious relationship, personally, (and this is just my opinion) I don’t see how anyone can retain - in full - his or her complete and total sense of self. Eventually, you are likely going to have to compromise on SOMETHING: that spontaneous road trip, drinks with your ex-boyfriend, taking a job overseas. You get the picture.

BUT, if we are careful, I don’t see why it would be impossible to maintain the core of who we are. I know what I am willing to compromise and what I am not willing to give up. Mr. Dragon has his own core that I need to respect, as well. I can definitely see how marriage over the years can corrode your sense of self, especially when kids come into the picture! Some women identify solely as the “wife” or the “mother”… to me, those are only parts to a person, it’s not WHO they are. They are roles, not who you are as a person. If those roles so take over your life that you have no idea who you really are anymore, then I can see how you would feel like “Confetti”, as Lori McKenna sings.

Right now, I would be seen as a “career woman” or “Mr. Dragon’s Babe”. However, I am Miss Snapdragon, who loves horrible TV shows and long books and is funny (sometimes!) and enjoys playing with her new KitchenAid mixer. I avoid unkind people and I despise taking out the trash. I love fashionable clothes but hate shopping. I am a horrible liar, and people can trust me. I’m happy. That’s part of who I really am, and for me, I want to protect that as much as I can.

For me, this is a hugely important issue. We’ve all heard stories about women who are harried, exhausted, and live in their sweats. I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want Mr. Dragon to become that husband that stops taking care of himself or who never does anything fun for himself ever, either. Of course, check back in with me in ten years, but I hope we evolve, rather than disintegrate into shells of ourselves. We’ll do the best we can to support each other. For me, I want to grow, rather than twist and turn.

Is your identity something that any of you are consciously protecting?

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