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Miss Rye Bread - you’re onto me (and my sister). This is what you said in a comment on my Bad Bride post:
“… I’m also “that sister” who didn’t ask her only sister to be the MOH. Are you asking her to be your MOH? We’re such different people, I feel like she hardly knows me. I absolutely want her by my side on my wedding day, but I felt my closest friend would be able to anticipate my stresses / “get what I mean” when it comes to wedding-ness. At least for my sake, don’t judge her so hard. Maybe talk to her about it some time. If my sister’s ever upset about anything, I find out about it through my mom. She said she’s happy being a BM, but I don’t think she’d ever say what she really felt.”
For the majority of our lives, my sister and I have been very different people. Very different people that fought with each other almost constantly. I wouldn’t say I assumed I would be her MOH, but I did expect a conversation about why I would or wouldn’t be. To me, I really wanted to put the past behind us and help her plan her wedding. She’s very laid back and has difficulty looking at both the details and the big picture, whereas, I am a planning nut job. She chose her dress and her photographer and that was pretty much it. She expected our mother and I to pick up the slack on everything else.
Her MOH was nowhere to be found during any of the planning and told us all about the bachelorette party the day of!
Then around 1 AM before her morning wedding, my sister and I were up folding programs and loading Nerf guns (yes Nerf guns) and I snapped. I don’t remember all the details but I remember crying and screaming at her and leaving her downstairs to mull over my unintelligible shriekings.
I couldn’t sleep and felt terrible about it (I still do today!). I woke up extra early and baked her scones, apologized and did her makeup. We’ve talked about it since and our relationship has really grown as a result. I now understand that different people need different MOHs. My sister needed one that would calm her down instead of wind her up. She needed someone as laid back as she is. It also gave me an out, because I need a MOH as on top of things (if not more so) than I am.
I’m excited to have my sister by my side at my wedding and I’m glad we’ve grown closer over the past few years. She’s been incredibly supportive and helpful during the planning for my wedding and I really can’t tell you all how grateful I am to have her in my life. We may always have been sisters, but I’m glad we’re friends now.
Anyone else deal with bridal party politics? Or the sister MOH/sister BM business?
Absolutely…I love my sisters both very much can’t imagine my life without them…and we are close. But I knew they wouldn’t be in my bridal party not because I didn’t want them there but because I needed them to enjoy the day as much as me. I am happy to say that one of them was the day of coordinator the day of and had she been an moh or bm that would not have been possible. In the end I think everyone is pretty much happy of the outcome.
Oh Miss D’Orsay I completely understand where you’re coming from. I have 3 sisters and I don’t really want to choose between them as I feel one will get hurt if I do. I did end up asking a really good friend of mine to be my MOH but only 2 out of 3 sisters actually know this. I think I’m afraid to tell the other one.
Thanks for sharing, Miss D! This certainly gives me some hope 
My SIL asked me to be her MOH, then 5 minutes before the ceremony told me her friend would be the MOH and I would just be a BM. I was so mad! But I was only thinking about me, not what she needed. We’re not very close now, and I bet she would have regretted letting me keep the MOH position.
I’m glad to hear you and your sister have come to an understanding. It really helps amidst the wedding craziness if family drama is kept to a minimum!
I asked only friends to be in my bridal party…My parents are divorced and asking a close relative from one side would lead to a bitter person on the other side. There was also some problems with my little brother being in the wedding party, and my FI’s sister not…but it is our wedding, so we did what we wanted.
I will say that I chose my only sister to be my MOH even though we weren’t as close. It was a tough decision because I was MOH to my best friend before my wedding. But I’m really glad I did because choosing her as MOH and going through all the wedding stuff with her brought us much closer together. It really marked a turning point in our relationship. And while my best friend still “did” more leading up to the wedding, I’m really at peace with affirming my sister’s family relationship with me…. Sometimes choices regarding bridesmaids are about the future, not just the past.
(Just another perspective. We all have different factors to consider and different choices to make and please don’t take this comment as a judgment on that.)
Oh, I was totally kicked out of the MOH position once…the night before the wedding. I had a class (it was the week before finals and I was struggling with the class) and I wasn’t told about the rehearsal , just the dinner. I had assume rehearsal would be after the dinner, which was at six. rehearsal was at THREE! the mother of the groom told the bride that i was a terrible friend and i had known about the time (which i hadn’t) and i was promptly kicked to the back of the line…demoted.
My sister is not my maid of honor. We have not been close since we were kids, and she has never really made an effort to get to know me as an adult. She is very reclusive and acts offended when you ask her basic questions. I honestly debated even asking her to be in the bridal party, but I figured this would be the better thing to do, and it has been. She did come with me to try on dresses and has shown an interest in the wedding, so I’m glad I made the choice.
I’m not so close with my sister. At all. And that is perfectly ok. My mother actually has a very similar relationship with her only sister, and resents the fact that her mother forced her to have the sister as her MOH. My sister is not even in the bridal party. She and I are not friends, we don’t get along, etc. However, seeing as she is still my sister whom I love, and she knows Mr G and I very well, she is going to be giving the toast at the wedding.
I pretty close with my sister so there was never a question whether or not she would be my MOH - it also made it easier b/c I didn’t have to choose btw friends. However a good friend of mine is in a similar situation so I can totally understand what you’re saying… I believe it is better to choose the friend who will be the most supportive and helpful 
I will not have to deal with such a situation because I don’t have any sisters. I have a cousin who I would probably have wanted to be a BM in the past, but last year she got into a serious car accident and is now in a wheelchair. She is afraid to travel since it happened, so I don’t expect her to come to my wedding (which will be 300+ miles from where she lives — that’s a flight or a six-hour drive).
Thus, I will be choosing my BMs from among my friends. When I think about it, the ones I would choose live in three different cities, so none of them will have much of a part in the planning, other than me sending them pictures of options and saying “What do you think of this?” I highly doubt I will have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party (which is fine with me — I actually don’t even want a bachelorette party), because of the various distances between me and most of the important women in my life. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t even call anyone the MOH. It truly would just be a title for a day, and I don’t know how I would choose.
…but at least there won’t be BM drama.
I for sure did and I’ve posted it around here before. I’m glad things worked out for now. With my sister things have gotten worse and are in the complete opposite direction of what happened with you, we don’t even speak anymore.
@Lillindy: To be fair, she was married in 2006 so some time has passed. We didn’t really talk for a while after (we didn’t usually at the time) and had more in depth discussions about it only this past fall. She also reached out to me when I moved to Arizona and I think that really helped. I hope you and your sister are able to reconcile or at least that she is able to lay the issue to rest.
Um totally. My niece kinda hopped on board before I noticed (but she IS 19). I have TWO sisters, so kinda by default, I assigned MOH to my older sister (who is incidentally in her 40’s). Since then, I have decided to have a Matron-older sister & Maid-younger sister, but my FI made a big to-do out of choosing his Best Man, so he doesn’t necessarily want to have 2 now. I also feel bad because although my sisters & I are close, I had to make my VBFF and BFF (remember those acronyms?! 80’s anyone?),BMs. I really feel like the former should be my MOH since we’re the closest of all. I just figured sisters trump friends. I feel everyone understands & is happy this way, & I am honored to have my sisters be my MsOH. (It’s just that everyone incl. my FI pressured me to pick my younger sis for MOH because she’s in her 20’s, it’s more appropriate, she’d get offended if I didn’t, etc…) Oh & my little sister did raise a stink about the dress I chose (strapless, a-line, tea-length in black–cheap, re-wearable & cute–what’s the prob?) & wouldn’t talk to me for almost a month claiming I was snobby, pretentious, & unappreciative. This caused me undue stress. (To put things in perspective, I almost died of congestive heart failure in Nov., so NO stress for me, thank you very much.) Thank God we’ve made up. Sorry for the novella, but some posts really resonate with me.
Wow, Miss D’Orsay, this is personal stuff. Kudos for bringing it to the blog. I have had a lot of people ask me why I didn’t choose my only sister as my MOH, or even as a bridesmaid, and truthfully, I think I have my thinking all backwards from tradition! My famil is so important to me, I am really close with all of them, that it never occurred to me that they would need some kind of special role–they have special roles already just by virtue of their roles in my life as my family. I wasn’t my sister’s MOH either, and I was totally fine with that. We both have girlfriends that enrich our lives in totally different ways from our relationship with each other, (we’re very opposite personalities and our friends tend to me more like us, not less).
My sister is my MOH and we can be total opposites. We’ve always had a good relationship and it was no question that she would serve as my MOH. However, the wedding has proved to be a challenge for our relationship so far. My BM’s have stepped in and really helped me deal with the MOH situation.
All my life I was told that my two younger sisters had to be my bridesmaids — luckily, I’m close to both of them! They are sharing MOH duties, and I couldn’t be happier.
i was struggling with the decision for who to ask as MOH. it was between my best friend who i’ve been MOH for, who’s also been my closest friend since about 2nd grade and my sister, who i was also MOH for but we’ve also only become friends in the last 10 years or so. no matter how many times my mother tells me i can’t, i decided to ask them both to be my MOHs. yes, i asked one before the other because i wanted her to understand and be okay with it being the two of them, but it was literally minutes before i asked the other. they’re also my only BMs at all and everyone seems very happy (except my mom). the MOHs are both relieved to not have to bare all the weight of the role and are excited to work together on all the stuff.
there’s a happy medium for any situation : )
WOW… this is very much my situation! My sister and I are not close. And I was MOH to a friend in July. I, too, have chosen to have my sister as my MOH… but pretty much because a few years ago, in casual conversation, she made it very clear that she was my only sister and would think it was really rude if she wasn’t my MOH!
I can only hope that my sister and I will become closer as the wedding planning takes place… but I have to worry because my sister thinks she is the best sister a person could ask for. She doesn’t see that she isn’t fulfilling her duties as MOH. She doesn’t see that my other BM’s are picking up the slack. She doesn’t think there was anything wrong with her asking me to help her write her speech- the speech that is for me! And all she could think to write about were stories about her. 
She’s terribly selfish and I try so hard to overlook these things… but I can’t help but think that I would be having a better time with less stress if my sister weren’t part of my wedding party.
Then I see your statement below and I remember why I’ve asked her…
“Sometimes choices regarding bridesmaids are about the future, not just the past.”
I hope this all works out in the end.
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Mrs. D'orsay, Baltimore/Lancaster UK Age and Occupation: 24, nonprofit communications Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Web site developer and designer; co-owner of men's skincare shop Engagement Date: August 10, 2008 Wedding Date: August, 2009 Venue: Oakland Manor About Me: I'm a Maryland raised environmental policy wonk/activist/organizer and communications aficionado. In the past year I've lived in Baltimore, MD, Tucson, AZ, Miami, FL and Lancaster, England. In my not so spare time I enjoy planning trips with Mr. D' Orsay, visiting friends and family and crafting like a mo-fo. I also enjoy modern dance classes, rugby and soccer but have been banned by my mother, MOHs, and Mr. D' Orsay from playing till after the wedding. I have an unnatural addiction to cheese and shoes, but love Mr. D' Orsay more than either and can't wait to become Mrs. D' Orsay!
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