Wedding Blog
I am pretty much the last of my friends to have a child. It’s quite interesting actually, about 95% of my non-married friends have kids, but only about 30% of my married friends have kids. That being said, I’ve seen my friends with kids go through lots of drama. Drama with their baby’s daddy (whether they are still the boyfriend, or now the ex), drama with the court, drama with the now boyfriend, drama with the ex’s new girlfriend…
As their friend, sometimes they call me to vent or ask advice. And I have to admit that sometimes I have a hard time sympathizing with them, because technically in my relationship, I am the “other” woman. Now, before I confuse you, I did not know Mr. Sushi when he was dating his ex (we’ll call her “A”). I didn’t come into the picture until about 3 months after they had broken up. Mr. Sushi and A were young when they had Lil’ B. By the time I met Mr. Sushi, he was 22 and Lil’ B had just turned 1. I was the first (and only) girl he seriously dated after his relationship ended with A, so it was really hard for both of them to adjust to each other being back in the dating scene and coming to the realization that their relationship wasn’t going to work and that they weren’t going to be the “traditional” family.
A and I have a decent relationship. I wouldn’t call her my friend. I’ve never, ever hung out with her, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it.
We’re always very polite to each other. I’ve even bought and made her Mother’s Day and Christmas gifts (always from Lil’ B, of course). But it definitely wasn’t always this way. The first year Mr. Sushi and I were together was hard for her. I can totally understand where she is coming from; I’m the new girl that’s around her son and I think deep down she was afraid of her son calling me mom. This is something I would never let happen. I love Lil’ B, but I would never try to take the place of his mom, as he already has one. On the weekends that Mr. Sushi would have Lil’ B, she would go out with her friends, like any other 22/23 year old would, and would drunkenly call him at 2, 3, 4 in the morning. This is something I found very disrespectful. Not only to me, but also to herself and her son. Did she really expect Mr. Sushi to put his one-year-old son in a car at 3 AM to pick up his drunken mother? Where were her friends? Thankfully 3 years later, we’ve gotten past all the drama and have started to become a family. All of us. I hope that one day we’ll all feel comfortable enough to maybe even take vacations together. A pipe dream? Maybe.
While I might not know firsthand, I can imagine that being a parent, especially a single parent, is difficult, but what I think most people forget (or don’t even consider) is how hard it is to be the one dating a single parent. Just about every fight, issue, decision, and situation your significant other has with the mother (or father) of his/her child affects you too, yet you have no say, because… well… he’s not your kid. He might not be my son, but I’ve spent time, money, and rearranged my schedule for him. And while I’m totally okay and happy to do all this, it’s sometimes hard to hear my friends complain about their baby’s daddy’s girlfriend, because I am that girl.
People give credit to single parents, and no credit is given to those dating the single parents. Am I asking for you to tell me that I’m doing a good job? No, but I just wanted to spread awareness that the girlfriend of your baby’s daddy isn’t out to make your life hell, and that we don’t always have it easy either. It is not realistic that your ex won’t date until your kid is 18. So give your baby’s father’s girlfriend a chance and trust that your significant other is not going to intentionally endanger your child or choose to date someone without your child in mind.
Is there a child in your relationship, either yours or your SO’s? How is the dynamic between you and your SO’s child’s mother?
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Wow, props to you for being so mature in handling this tough situation!
Great post Miss Sushi! Its def. a perspective that is not really thought about. I’ve come to a greater understanding for sure.
OK SO this is kinda my situation….I have a 15month old daughter and my FI has a 10 month old son….Technically my FI wasn’t wiht his sons mom when we first meet but they hadn’t finalized the ended details (There was conflict as to whether or not the child was his or not, and since he is military, there were other issues that had to be taken care of as far paternity testing and the fact that he was 2 months away from a deployment). Now ME and my FI were just now starting to date and he was upfront with me on everything and I was with him.. At first his son’s mother wasn’t a problem bc I was able to help him make sure she had everything for the baby and essenttially help her too…Now we’ve had a couple of conversations here and there that never end well bc SHE refuses to let US be..and Now that we are Officailly engaged she acts out even more. At times this has caused stressed for me and my FI bc we dont always agree with how to handle her. Currently they have a jt custody agreement that isnt in effect bc he is in IRAQ….but now everytime he speaks with her if he’s not sending her money then shes upset (Sorry got off on a tangent)…..Basically I know how it feels to be the “baby’s mama” and the “other woman” so to speak and yes it is hard but in my case its worth it…MY FI treats OUR daughter like he’s her bilogical father and truth be told he is the only father she knows….
I think if other people in your situation, or in a similar situation, had a fraction of your maturity or perspective on this issue, there would be much less “drama” in situations like these that are so very common.
Wow, I’ve never really dealt with any of these issues, and I can only imagine how difficult and complex they must be. It really sounds like you are handling things in a sensitive and reasonable, and ultimately loving way.
Wow, very mature of you Miss Sushi. I think that people really don’t take your perspective into consideration, and I can see that it would be hard to be in that situation. We are both childless, save for our dog and cat, and for us this works. We don’t plan on having kids until I’m 30 or close to it. And I seem to have the same ratios in our group too (more kids with single parents than with married parents).
I am with you on this one 
I share the same ups and downs that you do…it isn’t easy & I have mad respect for you, girlie!!
Mr. Q’s ex and I get along just fine, but there are things that just make me crazy about the whole situation! Like you said, they aren’t my kids. Last night, the whole gang was over at MY and Mr. Q’s house & I was the one that felt like an outsider. I work on it everyday. It isn’t easy, but we just have to keep communication open!
Miss Sushi, what a great role model you will be to Lil’B. Though maybe not his mom, it is nice to know that you are strong enough, to make his lil life easier by not stepping on his mom’s toes, and embracing a relationship with her. Your vacationing may not be a pipe dream. I have a very good friend (we’ll call him T, who is such good friends with his ex, that they all (T, is ex, the ex’s new husband, and T’s son) took a vacation together to celebrate one of T’s biggest accomplishments. Dream on, with the way you are going, you will get there. And how beautiful it will be for all of you, especially Lil’B
Way to go Miss Sushi for being so mature. As someone who had parents in a similar situation, I applaud anyone who can conduct themselves like an adult. You should teach a class on this or something.
Aww, this was a great post. I loved reading your perspective.
I just watched the “E True Hollywood Story” of the Kardashians (Kim Kardashian and family) and it was cool to see how the father (ex husband) would go over to his ex wife’s house (who was remarried) to eat dinner with the family once a week. So I don’t think it’s a pipe dream at all!
Much respect to you Miss Sushi! Being in a relationship is hard, and I can’t imagine having to deal with all the complexities! Mr. Sushi and Lil’B are really lucky to have you!! And so is Lil’B’s Mom!
Wonderfully said Sushi!
I agree with Eggplant, it is not a pipe dream. My best friend has dinner at her Mom and StepDad’s house once a week and her “real” Dad and her StepMom are there too. Every Wednesday! Its incredible. The power of love is so strong and you only have one family..even if it is extended.
My SO and his ex-wife have very little to do with each other even when it comes to their son, so I can’t imagine when I will get into the fray. We have not spoken and I doubt we ever will, until it comes time for their son to play sports or be in some extra curricular activity that we will all need to attend. He’s 5, so he will enter kindergarten in the fall and it will get interesting.
Sounds like you are doing great Miss Sushi. Congrats on having such a grown-up relationship!
I’m in a similar situation, except my Fiance’s kiddo is 8.
I could say a lot, but I won’t - who knows who will read it and we certainly don’t need the drama. But I will completely agree with this statement:
“No, but I just wanted to spread awareness that the girlfriend of your baby’s daddy isn’t out to make your life hell, and that we don’t always have it easy either. It is not realistic that your ex won’t date until your kid is 18. So give your baby’s father’s girlfriend a chance and trust that your significant other is not going to intentionally endanger your child or choose to date someone without your child in mind.”
Great post! I too am the “girlfriend” and my guy has a daughter. I totally relate to your feelings. My relationship with the mother is nonexistent, neither bad nor good. The daughter is a teenager so we didn’t go through the trials that perhaps we would have should she have been a baby. Still, it would be nice to get a thank you from her mom because like you mentioned I too have spent time and money yet I get no Mother’s Day cards or anything. My guy appreciates it but it would be nice to hear from her mom that she appreciates the care I have given her child, too.
Both my SO and I have children and it can be so very tricky sometimes. Many of the arguments we’ve had are directly related to them (not in a bad way, just in a “why are we doing it this way” kind of way). While I don’t really care for my SO’s ex or the decisions she’s made, I make it a point to *always* be pleasant to her (even though it’s hard sometimes!).
Great post Miss Sushi I cannot relate, but I just wanted to give you kudos for your attitude
As a single parent let me just say thanks for pointing out how great my FI is for all the hard work he puts in to make it work.
Neither of us have children, but I just wanted to tell you this is an awesome post and I <3 you!
This is a good post. My DH doesn’t get along with his ex at all, but I on the other hand get along just fine with mine. (My DH doesn’t understand this at all) I have yet to meet his ex, believe it or not, but I think she knows that the kids love me and every other weekend we are one big happy family. I keep my fingers crossed that one day my DH will get along with his ex so we all can become a big happy family!
Wow, great post. Miss Sushi, I think you have a good attitude toward the situation. Thank you for telling your story!!
Miss Sushi, you’re not alone. It’s frustrating. And though I’ve never been a single parent, I am the other woman and a lot of fights between FI and I early on were because of this. He was never with his daughters mom, they had a 6 week fling and daughters mom got pregnant on purpose to try to keep him around (its on record, came out in court.) So their relationship isn’t the best. When she finally let him start seeing his daughter when she was 5, she tried to make them a happy family and include her other kid as well, wanting him to be a father figure to her son because he doesn’t know his father. Thing is FI and I were already together so it was akward, it took her about 4 years before she realized I wasn’t going anywhere. Though she acted thoroughly surprised when daughter went home and told her we were getting married. Her words “he’s never getting married, he never was”.. Guess she still thinks that. Anyhow, Its very complicated and sometimes I really wish it wasn’t. It makes me think and re-think if FI and I will ever have kids, because I’m not sure how I’d handle it in this situation.
Great post! I can’t imagine how tricky this must be… sounds like you’re dealing with it really well, and little B is lucky to have you in his life!
Terrific post– you’re being so mature about it. I can’t say I k since neither of us have kids, but kudos to you for sustaining a great relationship even with all the additional stresses that must come along.
i know some crazybabymamas with some dramas, and i can’t stand that they don’t realize the most harm they’re doing is to their kids. props to you girl for handlin’ it right and i’m glad things are working out better. i hope we’ll hear about that group vacation from you someday
Great post, Miss Sushi. I don’t think it’s a pipe dream either…my parents are divorced and my mom and step-mom email each other sometimes, talk (not BFF but they talk) and they’re all friendly to each other so it makes family gatherings SO much easier. And I agree w/ everyone else…you’re very mature and seem to be handling the situation very well.
Wow, Miss Sushi! I am not in a situation such as this but props to you for being so open with us!
I don’t think I would be able to handle not being a parent to a child who lived with me, I already have a hard enough time keeping my mouth shut about my roommates, and they’re the same age as me. Props to you for doing it.
Neither me or my husband had kids coming into the relationship. But one of my friends is going through the same situation of being the girlfriend. And I don’t think she (or this child’s dad) are handling it right. And the one thing you wrote that struck me is when you said ‘deep down you thought his mom was worried her son might call you mom.’ Well that is precisely what my friend and the child’s dad are promoting. And I think it is terribly rude and inappropriate for them to do. The child lives with her mom for the majority of the time, so like you said she already has a mom. And my friend says the babymomma is crazy and all this stuff. And I just feel like saying well maybe she is so mad because her ex husband told their daughter she could call you mom after he knew you for two weeks. And most importantly I feel like the child is the one who really gets harmed in the situation. I think it is so great how you handle the situation with maturity, and it’s easy to tell you have Lil’ B’s best interest in mind.
Thank you Miss Sushi! I am in the same situation, and find it difficult sometimes to explain to my FH what it is like to be in my shoes. I also am the first serious relationship after the split, and during the beginning of our relationship the mother tried to get my FH back (to no avail). I don’t have any friends in a similar situation, so they try to help, but don’t fully get it. It is a very difficult position to care for the child, have a close relationship with them but at the same time, your role is limited in decision making, etc. It is a hard balance, and one that takes a lot of communication and understanding.
I know I will never be her mother, yet I do all the things her mother does. It is never going to be an easy situation, but ultimately, we all love her and have her best interests at heart. That’s the best we can do.
Wow, Miss Sushi. That was wonderfully written and good luck to you in the future with this situation
You are like my twin. Wow. The only difference is my FIs ex hates me. She won’t even speak to me. As far as she’s concerned, if I wasn’t in the picture, he would realize how much better life would be with her and they would be together. In reality, he was never happy with her, which she doesn’t realize. But you’re right, it’s a sticky situation to be the “Not-Quite-Stepmom.” I watched the movie Stepmom, and I totally understood!!
Miss Sushi thank you for this post. When I read it, it touched my heart and I didn’t feel so alone. It is a very tough situation. I love my FH’s little girl very much. It is so hard to be effected by everything that happens, but have virtually no say. It is a great balancing act that takes place. I wish everybody involved in these situations realized that the more people that love and care about your child the better.
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Mrs. Sushi, Hershey/Hawaii
Age and Occupation: 27, Graphic Designer/Photographer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Laborer/Aspiring Hip Hop Producer
Engagement Date: December 25, 2007
Wedding Date: March 2009
Blogging Since: October 9, 2006
Venue: Byodo-In Temple, Luau Reception
About Me: I’m a notorious people-watcher who loves all things paper, food, traveling, grubbin’ on food, gossip magazines, food, sock monkeys…did I mention food?! Mr. Sushi and I are both haolepinos (half Filipino, half Caucasian) and hope to be able to somehow incorporate our cultures at our destination wedding in Hawaii. All while planning from the sweetest place in earth, Hershey!
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