Wedding Blog
(Yes, we took this picture during our e-pic session. Foreshadowing? Let’s hope not!)
I want to talk about the thing nobody talks about: fighting with your fiance during your engagement.
I don’t know why we all don’t talk about it more. Do we worry that it means we’re with the wrong person? (*raising hand sheepishly even though I know better*) Do we wonder if other people will tell us we’re making a mistake if they know that we fight as often as we do? (*raising hand*) Are we hoping that it will all be better once we’re married and the silly stressors like napkin colors and the dreaded words “and date” have gone away? (*raising both hands*) Are we afraid to believe that life together might be as full of petty disagreements and frustrations as it is now? (*standing up and waving both arms in the air*)
I have found fewer situations more sad and disappointing than being hurt by, angry at, or upset with him and walking into my office to face a mountain of wedding-related stuff. “Wait!” I want to shout, “How can this be? How can I be bookmarking lovely quotes about love while wanting to scream at the possibility that we might always fight over who does more of the housecleaning?” I do know that I’m feeling more like a “me” and less like a “we” these days and wedding planning isn’t helping. I hope that once we find “our” way of handling disagreements, I will feel less sad about every one, but I wonder if I’m just sticking my head in the sand.
You Mrs’ out there, please (please) tell me: did things really get better after you got married? How did your parents fight**? And if you’re engaged, do you fight with your fiance? Does it make you as sad as it makes me?
**My parents and most of the parents I knew growing up were divorced, so I have very little experience with how married people live.
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I’m not sure how helpful this will be, but I thought I’d at least throw it out there. I know few married couples that do fight a lot, but that is just they way they communicate with each other. They are all still happily married and have been for 10+ years. In my opinion I don’t think they necessarily enjoy fighting, but at the end of the night they wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I think a lot of people fight with their fiance, I know I’ve had my fair share of disagreements. Even though it makes me sad, I know a lot just has to do with stress and he knows that too.
We are exactly the same way. But then I realize - hey, we fought all the time before we got engaged, and we will probably fight after. I guess I had hoped for a “happier” and “more fun” engagement, but I had to face it that this is the way we are. I’m not sure it gets “better”, but I hope that once the huge stressor that is wedding planning exits, that things will be a little simpler again.
It does make me sad. 
Mr. MagPie’s finishing up in grad/med school, so I don’t see him all that often (what with class, studying and work). So, when we do get time together, I have wedding stuff to talk about, and sometimes (only sometimes!) I forget to say hi, and just jump in with my stressors.
I’m optimistic, though, that the situation will improve when he graduates — a few weeks before the wedding! — and we’ll fall comfortably into a solid pattern of communication and interaction.
Great post. It’s so true. Me and my husband rarely argued when we were dating and at the very beginning of our engagement. We did fight. and sometimes badly but it was rare.
when we got engaged, however, we had extreme stress because our parents didn’t get along. That was where our wedding planning stress came - planning the wedding was usually fun. Since my guy usually gets pessimistic in times like that he would always assume that the fact our parents didn’t get along meant we shouldn’t/couldn’t get married. those were our biggest fights during the e-time.
now, that i just celebrated one month (!!) i can tell you it gets harder but it’s SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEING ENGAGED! i love it! all the stress/problems/fears are worth it! There’s still stress from bills and recooping after the wedding, but now, it’s US. i guess getting married just makes you feel more like a team than ever before.
Enjoy the engagement, but look forward to a wonderful marriage! 
a new mrs. here. we fought while planning the wedding, a whole lot. we fight less now, but not by much. one week after getting married we closed on a house. it is as though we traded one huge stressor for another. i think as long as you have major stressors (like planning a wedding, living together, buying a house, children, etc) in your life, the propensity to fight will be greater than if you were still dating. the intimate connection between you and the hubs (or fiance or SO) makes the fighting more likely. for us, now that we understand each others’ fighting techniques our fights are shorter lived and not rehashed.
i sure hope that wasn’t gibberish.
Not married yet but thought I would chime in about my parents who have been married for 36+ years. They have been bickering/fighting about the same 3 or 4 things for as long as I can remember. I think it shows that no matter how much you love someone, something about them will always annoy you and its pretty rare that people change. They can improve/alter their behavior, but they will never change. For me and my FH I fully expect to be arguing over his inability to clean up after himself for the rest of my life. And I’m totally ok with it - just don’t tell him I said that. (ps my parents have also taken advantage of marriage counseling/group sessions to get them through their rough patches. 36+ yrs takes work. I’m super blessed to have witnessed their work all these years)
My fiance and I rarely fight, and if we do, I’m usually the one that instigated it because I can be a pain in the butt. He’s calm and only gets irritated when sitting in traffic-usually.
My parents would bicker, but they usually only flat out argue when hooking up electronic equipment, when they’ve helped me move, etc. On a daily basis, they get along fine.
My mom told me that her experience, which was the experience of her sisters and friends, too, was that the first year of marriage is mostly fight-free, but a few years in, things get harder. Nobody in my family has been divorced. They also didn’t live together pre-marriage and I wonder if that has anything to do with it.
Here’s some encouragement - I’ve heard from several married couples that they fought more during their engagement than before or after it!
The process of merging families while planning a wedding, trying to keep others happy, and dealing with the finances of it all is just stressful. Hopefully after the wedding and there aren’t a thousand decisions to make about the tiniest details (the exact shade of blue to make our centerpieces look good without clashing with the bridesmaids dresses?? ridiculous), everything will calm down.
also wanted to add that FH and I totally argue but it doesn’t make me sad b/c we aren’t arguing over anything that REALLY Matters. If we couldn’t decide where to live, when to have kids, what religion to raise them…you know Big Stuff then I would be sad. Or rather worried about our relationship. Whether or not his dad pays for the rehearsal dinner or who does the dishes at night really has no baring on our long term relationship so fighting about them doesnt worry me. Hope this makes sense…
I love your posts so much! I had the exact same worries when we were engaged. For mem, things are pretty much the same being married, except for one thing. The wedding was a huge stressor, mostly because of the money we were spending, so having that out of our life has helped to clear the air in that way. But it’s 90% the same. Good luck hon and hang in there. It doesn’t sound like you guys are having huge problems, it just sounds like you’re tired and stressed — it’s normal!
To be honest, my parents bicker like crazy! And they’ve been happily married for almost 30 years. Seriously, it’s just their personalities; they are both extremely headstrong and stubborn. I can tell you that as a kid (and now) I get completely sick of hearing it, but it’s just their way.
The key issue is that they don’t fight about IMPORTANT things. When it comes to their core values they are absolutely on the same page. The number of times I’ve heard them fight about something as mundane as missing Tupperware lids I’ve never heard them fight about money or undermine each other to us kids. If you ask my mom she thinks they key to a successful marriage is having the same core values.
As much as I wish they’d learn to calmly look at each other’s points of view and communicate more peacefully (dang Italians!) they certainly don’t bottle anything up and are always quick to forgive.
I’m not married yet (September 09), but in September 2008 I got engaged and in October 2008 my fiance and I moved from the Midwest to California and moved in together for the first time.
We fought before then, the way most people do (most people fight at least occasionally, in my opinion), but once we had moved, the stress of move, wedding, moving in together, and, honestly, our personalities being what they are led to constant arguing. We fought every day. Every. Single. Day. For like two months. Bitter, furious arguments that stemmed from (not kidding here) things like who didn’t clean the dishes.
We both knew that we were fighting about really stupid things, and at some point we both realized that 1) we loved each other and all the wonderful things we loved *about* each other and had in common hadn’t disappeared; 2) relationships are work. Not that we didn’t know that before, but being together with none of our friends or family closer than at least two days of driving intensified everything; and 3) you have to figure out what works for you. We had to find a combination of talking about things honestly the second they happen (his style) and taking a little while to cool down and stop crying and deal with the real issue and not the “who did the dishes” issue (my style).
Good luck! I think it is totally normal, and that there is no relationship that doesn’t involve a few minutes every day of taking a breath and thinking, Is this worth arguing about? I love this person, and he loves me, and I want this to work because it’s good when it’s good. Just my thoughts
A friend told me that being engaged is the hardest thing you’ll do in your relationship. I noticed that I started taking things so much more seriously. I was thinking, “Can I stand to live with someone who will do this the rest of our lives?” rather than just considering him for who he is now.
We fought more during the engagement that we did before getting engaged or after getting married. Mainly, we fought about the guest list and other people’s opinions of our wedding day during planning. Now we are happily married with very little fighting!
I was engaged for only three months, and I’ve been married three months at this point. We were one of those annoying couples that never fought when we were dating, and that actually worried me more than the stupid fights we got into once we were engaged - although I also have to admit that our fighting had more to do with moving across three states together than it did with the engagement itself.
I suspect that if we’d moved in together after the wedding, we probably would have done all of our fighting then, rather than getting it over with a couple months early. It probably also made a difference having had a very small wedding. I would have gotten so frustrated trying to make him care about napkin colors!
I do think being married is easier than being engaged, though. But I firmly believe that your biggest enemy as a married couple is the phrase “for the rest of our lives.” Taking issues day by day makes them so much less daunting… and easier to solve.
I have a teeny tiny confession, first off. This is the first entry of yours I’ve read entirely through, since your situation reminds me a little of my own. I was previously engaged for 2 1/2 years before calling off the wedding 3 days beforehand. So I’ve kind of got the “been there, done that” attitude sometimes. blahblahblah, anyway! I love that you are open and willing to address the less-than-sunny side to weddings, relationships, and all that comes along with them. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit when you are fighting with your fiance, because there is so much pressure to put on the perma-grin during this happy time. But it’s not always like that, and while we’re seething, we still have to plan that wedding. Spats and arguments are a normal part of relationships, and I always remind myself that there is NOBODY else I’d rather be fighting with, and if I can still feel my heart swelling with love, even in the midst of a fight, then I know everything is going to be okay.
We don’t fight…we get snappish sometimes, but in four years together we’ve never had a proper FIGHT. We have had one or two weepy (on my part) discussions about “why don’t you find this thing important when I do?” sort of topics, but that’s it. I will say we snapped more in our ten month engagement than ever before ( or after) so you have hope! My parents never fought either. They also did snappishness. My sister and her husband fight All The Time, and I think they’re miserable. But it depends on the couple and what works for you, I guess. But it has to get easier after the wedding! It did for everyone I know!
My parents were divorced after 20+ years of marriage (over money) but when they were together, they never screamed or yelled at each other (that I witnessed). I’m sure they had their little disagreements but they never REALLY fought. I think it had a lot to do with their personalities.
I, on the other hand, fight with my fiance about the most stupid things all because I am stressed about something else. For example, he didn’t pull the shower curtain closed all the way and hang his towel back up to dry…and because I’m stressed about finding a house, planning a wedding, and lack of money, I yell and say I’m not his mother and I’m not going to clean up after him. And that’s just our personalities. We yell at each other until we both realize we’re arguing/yelling over something that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s been this way since we got over the “honeymoon” period of our relationship and I’m sure it will continue when we’re married.
So don’t worry too much, Miss Cheese! As long as you both know you love each other, who cares what other people think! (I know…easier said than done…)
My fiance and I definitely disagree. Especially now that we’re engaged (we rarely fought before). I think the key is not learning how to not fight (disagreements are inevitable), but rather learning how to fight well. Fighting well means communicating, and continuing to put your mate before yourself. I have to ask myself, “Am I fighting my point because I really believe it is correct, or because I’m stubborn and just want to win?” Way more time than not I’m just being stubborn, and there wouldn’t be a fight if I had been willing to work it out in the beginning.
My man is worth marrying, and he’s worth learning how to fight with!
Yes, we have definitely gotten in fights since our engagement. Even over silly wedding decisions or family issues. It makes me sad, but at the same time I know we are learning from each other and how to better cope with conflict. It seems like there is a lot of high emotion in not only us but our families that can make a minor issue much bigger. There is a transition as we take this next step and there are some bumps. I hate fighting, but know that it’s better to keep everything out in the open than bury the issues. Fighting/Conflict is not always bad. It’s about how you communicate and resolve the issues.
Sure, we fight just as much now as we did when we were engaged, if not more because of the stress of the economy. The wedding isn’t a “magic day” that erases all the stress… wedding planning is over, sure, but you’ll just move on to other projects that stress you out. I thought there was going to be this huge weight lifted off of our shoulders with the wedding planning being over, but, as normal people do… we moved on to other equally big projects that stressed us out just as much.
My parents fight just as we fight, funny enough. I get mad and kick and scream, and Mr. Peng sits and listens and is rational and patient. Just like my mom and dad. Haha. I should learn to be more like my dad, and Mr. Peng!
Don’t be discouraged, it will get better (on a side note nearly everyone fights so don’t feel like you’re different), if you find that you’ve stopped fighting…well that is when you might want to be worried. Fighting is just communication at a much louder volume (sadly can also be accompanied by nastyness) but remember that the day communication stops, is the day the marriage stops. I’ve witnessed 50+ years of marriage within my family and I’ve witnessed plenty of divorces. Fighting happens when there are a lot of stressors in your life because you become shorter with your communication.
My fiance and I dated for a number of years before we were engaged (engaged for a 1year ) and we’ve been married for several months now. I wish I could say that we never fight now but that’d be a lie. In a perfect world where there are no outside worries or stresses (economy, money, house, kids, moving, new jobs, no jobs, housecleaning, cooking, errands, bills…..) we get along perfectly but once you introduce stress, we get less tolerant and lose our patience and communication skills. We have our moments where I look back and wish it didn’t happen and I could go back and change it. But every single fight that we’ve had has also deepend our relationship, sometimes its not until you have a fight and you both lose control that you really see a person for who they really are. Plus, going through the humbling process of reconciliation and forgiveness with the other person can bring you closer together. There’s nothing wrong with fighting as long you can refrain from nastyness such as name calling and deep jabs, in fact, I’d go so far as to say that a disagreement can be healthy for a relationship.
Take heart, my fiance and I had our share of fights during the engagement. We got engaged, planned a wedding from out-of-state, moved, started new jobs, finished grad school, passed and took all four parts of the cpa exam, dealt with medical issues and got married…all in one year, oh and did I mention that we also paid for the wedding ourselves without going into debt (we are only 22 and 23 so didn’t have a whole lot of years of savings to fall back on). But somehow or another we still managed to invite 400 wedding guests, and did a whole lot of DIY, including making all the food for the wedding (including 20 wedding cakes). Talk about stress.
When you are married, fights become different, you can no longer walk out that door, you’ve made a commitment for life and you’re going to stick it out even when its tough. If you find you get lost, I recommend a couple of books, Cracking the Communication Code & Love and Respect, not sure of the authors but you can find them on Amazon!
I know what you mean about being in a fight etc and then seeing the love quotes and stuff. Every Friday I’ve been writing 5 things I love about FH down to give him as a wedding present and a couple weeks ago we had gotten in a HUGE fight, but I realized one of the things I love about him is how we fight
I really identify with your post. I know that most people probably feel like their arguments aren’t petty — I would say that ours aren’t, either. Before we were engaged we let a lot of stuff slide and didn’t address problems … until they came up again. Now that we’re engaged, I want to address the problems and work it out and stop ignoring it. It’s tough. And I have that feeling that I am committing to this for the rest of my life…
On your other question, my parents are happily married for 36 years, but I think my dad really babies my mom. I am trying not to expect the same thing from my FI.
For us, the engagement period was so stressful that while we didn’t fight about overall issues, we did have alot of tension. I really don’t know how people get through being engaged all happy and carefree (if they really do!). I wasn’t a fan of the planning though like some people are (you know, besides looking at the beautiful pictures, etc). Regardless, here is your encouragement that it went away when we were done with the wedding. It felt like a weight was lifted and we could finally get on with our lives!
My parents have been together for 37 years and their roles have really evolved over time. As far as I know there were some really rough times, but then things smoothed out again. I don’t know how they fight though because they kept that behind closed doors (at least I never heard it and they don’t tell me now either).
We’ve been together 5 years and we’re another annoying couple who rarely if ever fight. I think we’ve had 2 actual fights which were pretty much about hurt feelings for some little thing.
But that’s us, he’s really laid back and it’s really rubbed off on me. And honestly I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. We’ve been engaged 8 months and still have 1.5 years to go, and we’re long-distance while he finishes school. I know that sooner or later my temper will snap and I’m both dreading it and wondering how we’ll deal with it since we never really fight. Because like someone else said, I also worry because we DON’T fight. Crazy, huh? ^_^
We bicker/banter quite a bit - always have and always will. But, we did *fight* a lot more during wedding planning and we are *fighting* a lot less now that we are 4 months post wedding (where did the time go?!). We were both stressed and taking it out on each other. Our worst fight of our entire relationship (5 years now) was about what the reading would be. I wanted a romantic poem and he wanted winnie the pooh. It is crazy how weddings amplify everything… Mrs. Peng is right that the wedding wont solve everything. I think it is different for everyone and also depends a lot on how long you have been together, if you lived together before the wedding, etc.
After all that, fighting is normal and so are you!!
This is such a great post, as usual. As a child of divorce, I used to be really into avoiding conflict, until Mr. HC taught me that that’s what leads to resentment and divorce. Mr. HC and I fight, but I’d like to think we fight well, which is the important thing.
I think that the most important thing is to remember that marriage is not a fairy tale, and a fix all. Problems do continue and could get worse if you have unreal expectations. Try to focus on the fact that you both do really love each other and want your marriage to work.
We fight less and less as time goes on, and we fight, as someone else put it “better”. We usually make up within ten minutes, and it usually involves cuddles, I love yous and honest acknowledgement that both of us were practicing bad behaviours. West Coast Groom is extremely versed in passive-aggressive fighting tactics, and I on the other hand can be very impatient, hot-headed and aggressive when I feel I am not being heard. It’s very rare for us to feel like one person is responsible–those two types of personalities are a recipe for fighting unless you both make a concerted effort to change. I have no illusions about post-engagement bliss, but I AM looking forward to the fights not being wedding-related!
My parents VERY rarely fought in front of me and my sister growing up. Not surprisingly, my husband and don’t fight very often (this was true before, during, and after our engagement).
We piss each other off on a near daily basis, but are quite rational and logical, so we rarely let that kind of thing turn into any kind of disagreement or argument.
Basically, it seems that we take turns being the jerk. One day it’s my turn to be the jerk and he keeps his cool and placates me- resulting in no argument. Then the next day it’s his turn!
Most of the time we just ask ourselves- “Is this worth fighting over?” and the answer is no. So I don’t fight with him about the cleaning and he doesn’t fight with me about nagging him to do more cleaning.
To be honest, it seems like most of your posts talk about problems with your relationship and/or your wedding planning. Maybe it’s time to take a step back from everything and make sure you’re making the right decision. And if getting married now is the right thing to do, then maybe its time to readjust how you view things and try viewing things as more half full. You just never seem very happy.
good luck.
We definitely disagree, and I think it’s healthy to realize you’re not going to have the exact same opinion on everything, and that both of you WILL make mistakes. Though it’s hard, we’ve worked on remembering that we’re on the SAME SIDE, so we try really hard to let go of the angry, hurt feelings and talk about it. Sometimes I ask for a 10 minutes break to soothe and calm down, and then we come together and tell each other what it was that hurt, or what we disagree about. We also just try to speak up about the little things, in a non threatening way, instead of burying it where resentment builds. It definitely involves a lot of being willing to admit when you’re wrong and quick to forgive when the other person apologizes. One thing I will say is that I believe in presenting a unified front to others and to your children–I prefer to talk things over between us and be private–not because I think people will judge, but because I think it’s important for others to understand no matter what we’re going through, we’re happiest together and choose to be together. I’m also a private person and, in general, my argument with one person I wouldn’t dish about to another when it’s better just to talk directly to the person about how you feel.
All that being said, I think everyone has a different style, and you have to find out what works for you. Most important is agreeing that you both prefer to choose “us” vs. “I” and that you are on the same side–whenever I think that I realize I’m with my best friend and I just need to tell him what I’m feeling and what’s going on–he wants to listen and be of comfort and get back to the “us” point.
My Mr. and I rarely fight (which is a good thing since I know I don’t fight fair), but we have friendly bickering sessions almost everyday. My FMIL likes to make fun of us when we bicker in front of her and ask if we really should be planning this wedding, but we bicker just like her and FFIL and her parents, which is scary that we bicker like people who have been married for 25 and 50 years! 
Miss Cheese,
Just wanted to make a suggestion that my wonderful mother left me with before she passed (It was a christmas present, many years back, almost as if she knew she might not be around when I needed it). The title of this little book is The Conscious Bride. It kind of goes into all of this, and talking about separation from friends and family, and stuff. Though I have not finished it (law school books are getting in the way of my wedding reading), I got halfway through it, and there were quite a few things that I found myself thinking about, and talking to Mr. lobster about in a rational manner rather than heated.
I could have sworn it was you who suggested this book on strengthening relationships:
http://books.google.com/books?id=NKRvgc8Hb50C&q=john+gottman&dq=john+gottman&pgis=1
If it wasn’t you, I highly recommend you read this book! Read it with Mr. Cheese! I wish Mr. Rye and I could go to couple’s counseling before our wedding, but we live outside the US right now, so that’s not possible.
I personally love how this book talks about how to fight/communicate what you want and mean better in relationships.
My parents were not nice fighters at all. They are yellers and therefore I have learned (and now trying to deprogam myself) that when I am upset, I yell. Usually the more upset, the louder I yell. Yes, it’s terrible, but my family growing up was completely dysfunctional and thats what we were taught.
My FI comes from a family where everyone acts like everything is perfect and they never ever fought (at least not in front of the kids.) I dont think this is healthy either. Sometimes he would rather repress or ignore an argument then to air it out.
Uhm, I have another elephant in the room question. What about sex? (at least those who choose to do so before they are married/engaged). We have less sex now then when we were dating and it is TOTALLY freaking me OUT! Sure its a lot of factors, the economy, the wedding planning, but I keep thinking, I don’t want to get married and have even less sex!
We fought a lot in the first three years of our relationship. A LOT! It was miserable at times (we were also long distance). But we somehow turned a corner. In the past two years, I think we have “learned” how to fight - if that’s possible? We get in petty fights now. Usually we end up laughing it off because our reasons for fighting are thoroughly idiotic. I think you have to examine why you fight, what you fight about, and how important it is for you to “win” fights. At least, that helped me put things in perspective. Good luck, girl!
this was such a good post.
I was journaling the other day about how I am always afraid to talk to my girls about silly fights with him beacuse i don’t want them to say “NO! You are wrong! RUN AWAY. CANCEL THE WEDDING!”
But, the good news is, we haven’t been fighting as much since we started “really planning”. I think we ar eboth aware that it can be stressful and are trying everything we can to avoid the “wedding planning fighting”.
But THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for starting conversation on this. You are too good, Miss Cheese!
Sorry I don’t have much input here. My FI is my first boyfriend.. so no previous experience to tell you about and we barely fight. Whenever things are uncomfortable I cry haha so I think he feels too bad. (yes I’m that annoying girl.. but I swear I wasn’t before.. he’s changed me). I grew up where my parents have loved each other and still to this day show a lot of affection for each other. I feel like I’m at war with them to be the cheesiest couple =P I do think it’s good to have a role model couple and/or counseling. I’m a big believe of counseling - we’re going to start next month so we’ll have 6 months worth before we’re married!
We married within a year of meeting each other, during which time we moved to Hawaii and planned a wedding in four months while I was in school. Crazy, perhaps, and we intermittently fought right up until our rehearsal dinner.
We never doubted that we were right for each other, though. I have been married before and had a lot of insecurities and protective walls in place–I knew he would be the one that helped me knock them down. After the wedding we realized that we would benefit from counseling, both individually and as a couple. It has made all the difference, and we are now expecting our first child (yet I still can’t break my Weddingbee addiction…)
My brother once told me that no matter how well you know someone, life’s challenges will reveal new facets to your partner over the years. It’s like a marriage grab bag, and you have to accept the unknowns, undesirable as they may be. Naturally, people gravitate towards compatibility, and when combined with commitment and shared goals, marriage is a beautiful thing.
My parents have been married for 34 years, and they have the same silly arguments that I grew up listening to. The important thing is that they lack fundamental differences, and never let their disagreements spiral into disrespect.
I think you are still healing from your divorce, but as my experience shows, that does not mean that you are not entitled to move forward and have a happy marriage while you continue to work through your lingering feelings. You will get there!
@Habibi: So true! My parents have been together forever and they definitely fight over 3 things. Mr. D and I have our share of spats and they usually have me shouting then saying, “I don’t want to talk about it”. It’s so important that we both make the commitment to talk about what is bothering us though because otherwise we end up with resentment. <3
Great post Miss Cheese! Ugh, Mr. Powder Puff and I bicker about the stupidest stuff, especially now that the wedding is getting closer. Grr, stress!
My parents are still married, after 27 years, and they NEVER fought in front of us. Never. So I grew up not realizing that fighting is OK. Mr. Powder Puff says that if we don’t have a big, blow-out fight at least once a month, it means we’ve stopped caring. It’s so nice to be with a man who has a good perspective on arguments! It makes making up a whole lot easier.
My husband and I go through highs and lows like any other couple. Sometimes we’ll fight like crazy for a few weeks but then we’ll be just sweet for a few. Our fighting used to be more pronounced earlier in our relationship (we’ve been together 10 years this year - but married only 4 months) Somewhere along the line we’ve learned more productive ways of dealing with our disagreements. Honestly, at 4 months in, we’ve only fought a handful of times since before the wedding.
My guy and I almost never fight — we’ll be pissy towards each other because we’re moody but we’re both introspective enough to know when we’re pissy and when there’s a problem with each other, and we’re good at separating those times without fighting/yelling, and not holding a grudge when the pissy-ness ends. Anyhoo, great post on Jezebel about fighting during her engagement — thought I’d pass along:
http://jezebel.com/5135639/rites-of-passage-throwing-your-engagement-ring-in-anger
@searh: Hmmmm. Thanks for the feedback (can you see my face all scrunched up as I think about this?). I think that part of the reason it seems like I’m never happy is that I purposely blog about the things I don’t read about elsewhere… and a lot of those “elephants” just aren’t so happy. Part of the reason is that I’m naturally more thoughtful than happy. Part of the reason is that I need to learn to be happy (ridiculous, right?) more. And, yes, I’m feeling the weight of closing the books (emotionally, that is) on my first marriage, so what you read about isn’t pretty.
Oh, yea, and we live together, have a roommate, two houses undergoing renovations, a wedding in four months, a new dog (to go with the puppy we got six months ago) and this crazy economy. I guess you could say we’ve made it REAAAALLLY hard on ourselves!
If you never fought, you’d be the same person, and no one likes themselves that much. My FI and I don’t fight much but we argue a LOT and it’s actually kind of nice to have a challenge.
My parents have been happily married for about 37 years and they bicker on a daily basis. My FI’s parents have been unhappily married for 25 years and they knock-down drag-out fight on a weekly basis about stuff that could have been handled with arguments.
lol miss cheese you crack me up and make me think so much…But the truth of the matter is we fight, argue, and bicker before and after the wedding. Of course we are two different people learning how to coexist in one home. I commend you on writing about those not so pretty moments that most relationships face. I a am a firm believer that overcoming problems and enduring those moments that make you stronger sodified unit. Never forget that you do love each other even if you don’t always like each other. cheese on!
We hardly fought at all until we were engaged. I think it’s for all the reasons you list - and because, honestly, until you’re engaged there’s nothing at stake. The worst it got was about a month before the wedding, a few weeks after my husband and his kids moved into my house. We had talked a lot about how things would have to be different (his kids - 18 and 20 - had never been required to pick up after themselves, or do anything to help out around the house) but very little appeared to have changed. I actually was beginning to think that I was making a huge mistake.
We are like you, Peng - I am pretty emotional when things aren’t going well, and luckily he is really quiet and calm most of the time. Not all of the time - and sometimes one or the other of us will just go for a drive, or go take a bath (guess which one!)
We fight less, now that we’re married, but we still fight. Mostly about the kids, but occasionally about other things. We basically agree about how things should be, we just don’t always agree on how to get there. It helps to remember that we’re really on the same team, and trying to accomplish the same things, we’re just different people, and we go about it differently.
I do think that after a certain number of fights, as long as your goals are basically compatible, you learn a little. He has learned that when he says he’s going to do something, he needs to actually mean it - agreeing with me just because it seems easy, and then not following through, is not a great idea. And I have learned that just because he hasn’t done something yet doesn’t mean he’s not going to - and just because he didn’t do it the way that I would have, doesn’t mean that what he did won’t be just as effective. We’ve both learned to listen to each other a little more carefully, and make sure we both understand what we just agreed upon. We’ve figured out what are really bad times to talk about serious stuff, for him and for me. And as you figure out those kinds of things, you “fight” less, and more often just discuss things, or argue. I think you’ll get there.
@MissTeaberry: Fighting about peoples’ opinions of our wedding — check! we do that.
We don’t fight much. In 1 year of living together we’ve probably fought about 4 times, so far. Much of it has come around the death of our dog, the sale of our house and remodeling of our new home.
My parents are still together — after 33 years, and they bicker, but rarely have “real” fights.
@Miss Cheese: Cheesy, you guys have a roommate?!? Oh dear, I can understand that stress 100%!! Mr. G and I have a roommate (long story) and it can be extremely stressful and has caused many fights - especially because no one is in college anymore and the whole thing is a pain in the arse. Don’t get me started…
Just wanted to say I understand! Hang in there.
We fought A LOT during the first part of our engagement. I read, Emotionally Engaged, which has been reviewed by some of the Bees. It helped to know I wasn’t alone.
Now, as a Mrs., I can honestly say, we are fighting less than ever. A lot of it was that “ok, this is it for real, let me test my limits and see what I can get away with.” Read the book- seriously!
Oddly enough, the FI and I did all our fighting before we got serious. We hardly ever fight now, but when we do we know how to deal with it. We separate for about 10 mins, come back together and discuss it like civilized adults. My parents are still married and while they do fight sometimes, they’ve been together so long that my dad mainly just lets my mom complain about whatever it is and then its over. My mom’s a big complainer, definitely not as bad as she used to be, and I try not to be like her but boy do I have a temper.
I think that fighting, especially in your situation, is unavoidable. But I do think that once the wedding and renovations are over, you will have a lot less fights since most of the stress will be gone. Have faith, it will all eventually fall into place
I know my boyfriend and I argue quite a bit. I’m a pretty sensitive person to begin with, and my boyfriend is a little (okay, a lot!) more thick-skinned. Most of it is petty, but we have blow-ups every now and again. However, we both know that we love each other, and always make up. I can relate to feeling angry and hurt, even over something really silly. I’m really focusing on not letting it get to me so much, which is really helpful.
I think the biggest thing is to step away from the insecure, “Am I making the right choice?” question, and focus more on being a team with your significant other. You know that you’re right for each other. So keep that in mind, and focus on how to work with each other when you’re stressed, or have a disagreement. Good luck!
Miss Cheese….are you SPYING on me? I do the exact same thing. We’ll have a fight - even a fight specifically about wedding planning - and to console myself I come right to Weddingbee and think, why am I still thinking about the wedding!? And I worry about the same things - maybe all the fighting does mean we should not be together. The hard part is that you just don’t know until it’s too late.
Yes, I feel as sad as you every time we fight. And yes, I too have the same fears. Did we jump into this too soon? Are we right for each other? Will this pass? So we try (he tries more than me actually) to always speak our mind and be open about what’s going on in our heads. As much as it’s fun being engaged, it’s also stressful. Planning aside, the realization that this is the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with is huge! That’s a lot of pressure, and that stuff creeps up on you.
My best advice would be to remind yourself why you love him, why you are marrying him at the very moments you feel like you could strangle him.
You posted this at *just* the right time! Thanks!
My FI and I have been fighting a lot more than we normally do lately, and the fighting seems to increase as the wedding approaches. It makes me sad that we are fighting over something so wonderful, but there is a lot of stress in our lives at the moment (we live 1,000 miles apart, both have full-time jobs on opposite schedules and go to school–his school is full-time, and I have a second job!), but you know what?: the fighting has actually brought us closer! We are learning more about each other with each argument and communicating more. We try to make an effort to reflect with each other after every fight on what it was about and what we can do in the future to prevent it from happening again or make it a little better, b/c we know fighting is inevitable.
This is a great post. We’re newlyweds, and I’m conflict-avoidant in general, so I’m not really surprised by this…but I get really disappointed in “us” when we have full-blown fights or just get snippy with each other. I want us to have kind and generous behavior toward each other — and often forget that I’m simply operating like he needs to agree with me — so when we find, it’s a nasty reality check about how angry we can both get over small things. I think we’ve learned to fight fair, and I’m slowly seeing that it really helps to bring up conflicts and clear the air, but deep down inside I don’t want to be a bickering couple, so it bothers me that we so easily run afoul of each others assumptions/expectations.
Starting about 3 weeks before the wedding we were hardly speaking to each other. It was just SOOO stressful. I couldn’t think of anything to talk about other than the wedding, we hadn’t seen each other for 7 weeks, and he had to move and work and pack and finish up his wedding stuff very very soon. It was not the best time for us, and marriage is much better. So much better I can’t even being to help you understand how much better it is.
So far since the engagement, there has been a few more fights than usual, but we don’t fight much in general. When we do, it is incredibly frustrating because I feel like I just am not that good at communicating what I’m trying to say! We’ll see how we feel as the wedding gets closer!
Gosh, so many great comments - I’m going to need to read through them more when I have a chance, but wanted to toss in my two cents… First off, my parents have been married for almost 49 years (!!) and I have NEVER seen them fight/argue/yell at each other. I think it’s mainly because of how they were raised (they’re old-school Germans) and because my mom ruled at home while my dad worked. A ton. I’m SURE they disagreed (who doesn’t?), but they just never did it in front of the kids. In any case, I think they’re an anomaly in today’s society.
My FI and I fight regularly - always have, and probabaly always will. He’s so unlike me and my parents, or anyone else I’ve ever dated - he gets angry quickly, yells, then is over it and moving on with life. I got really freaked out after our first fights and it took me a while to realize that I didn’t know HOW to fight because I’d never really seen it in action before. I’m still working on not getting too riled up in the midst of our arguements (I’m the type where it takes a lot to get me really pissed, but once I am worked up it takes me hours to calm down)……….. and funny thing is that most of our fights boil down to the fact that we’re both trying to make each other happy but neither of us are saying what we actually want (if that makes sense).
We’ve had a crazy few months (were doing long distance and I finally moved cross-country and in with him) and I realized that getting out of the house with him (on dates) works wonders. A night away from chores and dishes and bills - a beer and good conversation puts everything back in perspective and we remember why we’re together. We’re recently instituted a weekly date (beers after work on Fridays), and it’s been great. I highly HIGHLY recommend it.
Mrs. Cheese - thanks for all the thoughful, thought-provoking, back-to-reality posts. As much as I like picking out flowers and shoes, your posts are a good reminder that there’s more to this whole marriage thing than Just One Day.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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