Wedding Blog
I have read numerous board posts on Weddingbee about wedding guests and who gets a plus one and who doesn’t. Mrs. Jasmine even wrote her own post about this very subject. Here is my take on it.
Some brides have the plus one down to a science. Something like this:
Allowable Plus Ones - Married couples or significant others who have been dating for 12 months or more. By “dating” this means they have had been on more than 25 consecutive Friday night dinner dates with one another and/or have slept over one another’s places at least 50 times. In addition, you (as the bride and groom) both must have met this alleged significant other no less than 20 times in mixed company.
I’m kidding! Every couple has to make up their own rules about this situation. I get that. But seriously, what is it that makes brides go bananas over plus ones?
Mr. G and I have been working on our wedding guest list, and we have been faced with the plus one conundrum. But, we’ve decided we need to breathe and relax. Whether second cousin Jim gets a plus one or not is not the end of the world.
Here are a few things I have jotted down to keep some perspective. (These tips, in no way, are endorsed by the Weddingbee community. They are all my own personal opinion.)
1) No one over the age of 25 wants to show up to the wedding by themselves or (even worse) accompanied by their parents! Just think about it. Would you want to be 30 years old with your mom as your date?
2) If you disapprove of a friend’s significant other and therefore are considering not allowing your friend a plus one, think twice. Honestly, just because you are getting married doesn’t make you the relationship police. If you have that much of a problem with the situation, don’t invite your friend because the whole situation will just cause grief.
3) If you are having a destination wedding or a wedding where many will have to travel far distances, please make your plus one rules very clear. People will usually assume that they can bring someone with them in these situations. If you have certain rules to your destination wedding game plan, share them on your Save the Date or write it clearly in an email to guests.
4) Participants in your wedding party should absolutely be allowed a plus one. They are doing you a favor by standing up for you. Never deny your wedding court members a plus one.
5) If you are so upset by the fact that you have to pay X amount of dollars for so-and-so to eat and enjoy themselves… seriously, don’t invite them or their plus ones.
6) There are many people who have zero clue when it comes to wedding etiquette, guest lists, and plus ones. I should know. I was one of them. Until Weddingbee and other planning sites, I had no clue about the intricacies of the plus one. Lucky I know better now, but please try and be patient with the non-wedding planning community.
7) Having the option of a plus one is always a nice gesture. Most guests are not going to abuse their plus one powers and bring a one-night stand. Some might, but most won’t. They might even surprise you, and decide against bringing a date. Who knows? Anything is possible.
Lastly, this post is meant to be fun. I know for some of you this is a serious concern. Add a little humor to the situation. I think it could help things a lot. 
What are your “Plus One” rules?
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Share this post: Going Postal Over Plus Ones
Our gripe wasn’t dates, it was adult children, as in “Thanks for the invitation, my husband can’t come, so I’m bringing my two 20-something daughters in his place.” Um, what?
I think it’s a frsutrating topic for many..and for obvious reasons - every person adds, on average, $100! I know some who have been frustrated that friends who don’t have significant others have brought another friend/sibling/etc as their “date.”
But really, who wants to go to a wedding by themselves if they don’t have a significant other? I want my guests to have fun, dance, and celebrate with me and Mr. Stiletto! So when we’re making up our guest list, we assume everyone will be a “+1″ regardless of their situation, and are budgeting accordingly…
And, I’ve been my sister’s +1 before..there was a 4-hour gap between ceremony and reception, and she would have been bored stiff without me…we went to a movie in between
Um yeah, I have never forgotten my single days when I rarely got a plus-1. Nobody wants to go to a wedding alone! It’s one thing if you will know tons of people there, but another thing entirely when you only know a few and then aren’t allowed to bring any sort of date. Brutal.
About six months ago, I was sent an invite to my friend’s wedding. She did not include a plus one for me. I was 22 had been dating the same guy for 2 years (we actually got engaged over Christmas:). So, I would definitely call that a serious relationship. Because I would have had to drive about 8 hours, get a hotel by myself (I am an adult and a little past sharing a hotel with my parents), attend a wedding with the only people I knew were my parents and the bride and her parents, I decided not to attend at all. She has commented several times how much she wished I would have come. I honestly never think about missing her wedding except when she brings up the subject.
If you cannot afford to include the person you want to invite and there plus one, you shouldn’t invite them.
I know it is hard but take the bride goggles off and think about how much weddings suck if you are alone. We have all been there. Explaining why you don’t have a date is not fun.
We are including a +1 for all of our single friends, I know its always tricky being a guest not knowing whether or not it is appropriate to bring a date, so we’re clearly inviting our friends’ significant others by name or including “& guest” for those who are only casually dating.
OH thank GOD you wrote this. I feel VERY strongly that at a certain age EVERYONE should get a plus one. If you are just out of college and think your friends will abuse it, fine…do it your way, but to have specific ideas and rules over who can and can not have a plus one is extraordinarily tacky. I don’t care how much it adds to the cost…if you don’t want to pay the extra $100 per head, than save yourself $100 and don’t invite them at all.
Better yet, figure your plus ones into your budget FIRST THING!! Before you pick a venue, before you pick a caterer. That way, if the plus ones don’t come you have that much extra wiggle room to work with.
Phew…pardon me while I step off my soapbox..and again, thank you, for saying what should be said.
Mr. MagPie and I have been joking with our single friends they’ll be plus one only if they can prove they are in serious relationships by the time our invites mail. Kidding, of course, but at least we all recognize when it’s in good fun. And the group — singles, couples — all has fun together!
In my single days, I was one of those guests who didn’t bring a plus one. I figured I’d have more fun hanging out with the people I did know than I would with entertaining a guest who didn’t know anyone.
I don’t really have any plus one rules, but I think all of your tips are great.
Since most of our friends all know each other, we are only giving a plus 1 to people who have been in a serious relationship for at least a year. We don’t have a lot of money for the wedding, so I don’t feel like we should have to pay to have someone we don’t even know come to our wedding!
We were having this discussion this weekend… we are having a small affair… less than 50 people mostly composed of family and close friends. There are two cousins who could potentially need a plus one, but we almost think their plus ones would feel more awkward than anything. Also, we really want to keep things intimate, we’ll be all together friday night thru Sunday morning… so we’d prefer to keep it intimate vs. following the plus one rules
We are having this problem too! We are on a budget and can only invite max 150 guests. However, both of our families are huge and we want our friends there too…but it just stinks to invite the plus ones :(. We’re gonna invite the plus ones, but it still makes me sad.
Ohhh this is going to be interesting for me in the future, I just know. And by intersting I mean hellish. I am not planning on inviting my cousins’ kids to our wedding. But I don’t think that my cousins will understand that if it is only his or her name plus spouse that means the kids aren’t invited. It will have to be outlined in a personal email or something. I mean these are the same cousins who didn’t invite me to their wedding and after the fact said that of course I was invited, my parents got an invitaiton (addressed only to them). Um, hello I was 25 and live 9 hours and 5 states away from my parents! Haha! But I think you outlined really realistic guidelines.
I think these are wonderful rules! I agree with them all. As for FH and me, we both have small families and our venue has a required minimum number of guests… so we’re in the rare situation of actually *encouraging* all of our single guests to bring a date. Even if it’s just a friend or a one night stand, we don’t care because we have to pay for that many meals anyway.
I have a related question, though: How do you indicate a +1 is invited if your invitations don’t have inner envelopes?
OKay ps mine wasn’t exactly about plus ones - but close enough!
Great tips! Every bride & groom have trouble deciding who gets a plus one and who doesn’t! *Including me— going back to look over my list now ;)*
We allowed everyone plus 1’s. If you’re looking for an easy solution, there it is. Lots of people flew or drove 2-7 hours, so it was only fair. I can see how if it were an “in town” wedding for most that you would rethink giving them to everyone, but man, as a guest, traveling alone SUCKS. Most of my single girlfriends in LA brought a girlfriend with them. I think they had much more fun than they would if they had to come alone (or they wouldn’t have come at all).
It’s tough because even when you talk with the people about how many guests they are allowed, some will still do whatever they want. We had a family of six invited, and they RSVPed: five if our daughter wins her soccer game that day, six if she doesn’t. The hubs called them, explained the situation, so they RSVPed for five. At the wedding, six came. So a table that I squeezed for 10, now had to squeeze for 11.
So even when you explain the situation to the people, they’ll still surprise you. While I won’t lie and say it didn’t bug me, I will tell you that I didn’t let it affect me. Big difference.
Anyone who was in a relationship when we made the guest list for the STD was invited with their SO (we made sure to get the name). BAsically, if that person considered their SOt o be their boyfriend/girlfriend, that was enough for us (eg # months/living situation was none of our business). We ended up with a list with more people than our venue could hold, but we felt like with a reasonable % yield, we would be fine. Once we started getting back RSVPs and saw we had space, we extended +1s to anyone who was coming who did not have an SO when we sent out STDs. The only people who took us up on the offer were those that had gotten into a relationship in the meantime. Oh, and anyone travelling far got a +1 regardless of status (so they wouldn’t have to travel alone).
@GwenMarieDC: no worries, i plan on not inviting my cousins. we’re not close and besides, trouble always seems to follow one of them and quite frankly i’m looking forward to a drama free day!
and thanks for this post! i got stung by a ‘plus-1′ and lost some friends because of it [seriously, that was lame]. but i didn’t know the rule! many people don’t and i’m glad you mentioned that. i think we’ll be adding plus-1s on an available space basis for the single friends if they request.
I see nothing wrong with not giving plus ones to people. I personally have been in the situation and think it is totally fair if the bride and groom don’t know who you are dating to not invite them. Plus if you aren’t dating someone I think it would be more annoying to try to find a date to a wedding. However if the guest does not know anyone else I find it appropriate to give them a plus one.
How has anyone handled this with their parents? My parents are paying for the majority of the wedding. While I want any of my friends who would like a date to bring one my mother doesn’t feel the same way. If they aren’t in a relationship she doesn’t think they should have a date, including my bridal party. She started arguing with me why should she not invite her cousins or one of her friends so one of my friends can bring a stranger. Once she pulls that money card there isn’t much I can say. I can’t really afford to pay for all of our friends to bring dates myself so I feel awful.
I agree with Ms. & Glitter & Mrs. Corn, in most situations, you really should be giving everyone a plus one - I know it’s a lot of $ for each extra person, but isn’t this an affair for your guests to have a great time too?
No one has fun when they don’t know anyone and are forced to come alone. And I agree that most ppl don’t abust the plus one - I let absolutely anyone who wanted to bring a plus one, and so far only like 2 people have taken me up on it, but I feel like, this way, they knew they could bring someone if they wanted to.
i could not agree more. the people i see stressing about this seem to be of the “younger” crowds getting married. once you’re into your mid-late 20’s and on there should be no question of which people get a +1… it should pretty much be anyone who isn’t just being invited because they’re someone’s kid.
and the statement about just not inviting that person all together couldn’t be more accurate. allow your guests to have a good time people! another $20 isn’t gonna kill you when you’re already spending into the tens-of-thousands range… most people will have the decency to come solo if they though don’t have a special someone to bring as their +1 anyway but it’s always nice to offer it.
It (not giving random plus 1’s) has nothing to do with the money for us. The ceremony and especially the point when you say “i do” is a very special and intimate moment and I dont care to share it with complete strangers.
Some people do just ask random people to be their dates to weddings and I dont want that to be the case. I want everyone that bares witness to be special to us. So I told our single friends not to pick some random person to bring. If they end up in a relationship with someone between now and then, great bring them along.. assuming we’ve already met them of course.
@jgsj: We didn’t have inner envelopes. Instead, I included a small card in the envelopes of unmarried guests with a handwritten note saying that we would be delighted if they brought so-and-so (for those in a relationship) or simply “a guest” (for those those were not in one).
Interestingly, some people took us up on the plus ones, even if it meant a casual date, and others did not and are coming alone (to meet singles perhaps?) Either way, I know that our guests are attending our wedding the way they want to, and that makes me feel good. I agree that plus ones should be budgeted for in the beginning.
We went with a strict “18 and older get a plus one” rule. We didn’t want to have to decide whose relationship was serious enough to justify the plus one, as we felt it wasn’t our place to say. It was a little tough telling my almost but not quite 17 year old cousin that he couldn’t bring his girlfriend, but we had to make the cutoff somewhere, and we felt that if we made an exception for him, we’d have to make an exception for the next cousin a few months younger, and so on. Overall I thought it worked out pretty well for us, and no one “abused” their plus one (the fact that it was about 4 hours away for everyone probably helped that). The only issue we had was that one of my single aunts mentioned bringing her daughter’s boyfriend as her plus one. Luckily, she opted not to, so we didn’t have to get into that!
I just got an invitation yesterday from a good high school/college friend. My boyfriend and I live with another couple, who were both invited, but my invitation was only addressed to me and the RSVP card stated “Please, no uninvited guests”. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and he doesn’t get to come? I am having a hard time understanding this. I know budgets and guest lists can be difficult, but…he was the only one not included out of our household. It seems a little harsh.
This is definitely a tough subject for most weddings. For me and my FI, we are giving our bridal party attendants a +1 and most guests who have a significant other. Other singles that don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend are probably not getting a +1 because this has been the normal routine for other friends weddings. Our friends have been friends long enough not to need a +1!
@jgsg: I’ve seen some brides us a belly band in place of the inner envelope. Is that something you could incorporate into your invitations? Or maybe you could figure out a way to indicate that information on your RSVP cards? If not, I would just put “& guest” on your outer envelope.
@sarsk624: My parents are paying for most of our wedding also. My FI and I have pretty much been in charge of sorting out the guest list, but we set a limit on the number of people (partially because our venue forces us to - its just not big enough for 200 people). So we just have to fit everyone we want into a certain number! I would try to compromise with your mother, if you have to cut guests, she should too!
@CCs Lady: ouch! Maybe your friend doesn’t know his name or didn’t mean to leave him off? If this is a good friend, she would probably be understanding if you called to see what’s up with her forgetting your bf!
I think in many cases it’s less about the $$$ that people may choose to not do “plus one”. Especially if it is a smaller/less traditional event.
I think whatever works for you and your wedding is what you should do, and people who know you, will understand your choice.
I do think it’s amazing how passionate some are about this subject.
@Emily J.: that’s the point…if you aren’t dating someone, than don’t bring a date.
i’ve never had a problem going to weddings solo — the only time i cared was when my husband-elect couldn’t come.
but when i was single i was never miffed about going it alone — it’s a party — it’s a chance to meet new people and talk.
we did the plus-one on a case by case basis but basically if the guest was single they don’t get a plus one.
this was for a few reasons — 1st — we couldn’t afford to give a plus-one to everybody who was single. 2nd — that means that there is a good chunk of single people. 3rd — all of our friends know each other so nobody who is single is new. and 4th — we felt very strongly that every person at our wedding be someone that we know and know well so that in 50 years we can name each guest in our photo album without hesitation — that is if our memory is still intact.
@Mrs. Corn: I totally agree that if you aren’t dating anyone then you shouldn’t bring a date…. but what if, like me, you have a friend that will bring some random stranger just because they can bring a date? This specific person actually called another friend of ours to ask if he could bring someone when he wasn’t invited with a +1 and wasn’t even dating anyone… he wanted to bring his sister!!
I guess, in the end, the bride and groom should make the final decision because they know their friends the best. Its just tough when you DO know people who will abuse the +1 gesture.
I agree that people need to lighten up about these situations but the fact remains that some bride and grooms do not have enough money to invite even their all of their families and close friends. Thus, allowing plus ones for “everyone over 25″ necessarily means that you can invite much fewer people overall, meaning you have to exclude people that really mean something to you. For people who are single, who have friends at the wedding, I think it’s sill to say that they have to have a “plus one.” Especially when that means your cousin doesn’t get to come. If you have tons of money, great, invite away, but I think some of you are not being very sensitive to your cash-strapped counterparts.
I liked the post… but of course, am disagreeing with some of the commenters. In some cases, I don’t think it’s tacky to have single people come single. I was at a wedding this summer that had limited space in the venue - the wedding party got their plus ones, single friends that all knew each other got no plus one, but had their friends to sit with, and anyone traveling or that didn’t know many guests got a plus one. No one was offended, and at our age when everyone is getting married, i bet some of those casual SO’s were pretty happy to get a saturday to themselves and not at a wedding!
I’m having a DW though, so everybody gets a plus one. However, they don’t get a plus kid unless specified!
We are also allowing a plus one for everyone. There are a few select cases of ppl who have no-one to invite as their plus one but have family or a bunch of friends who are also invited, where it wont be weird for them to not have a date I’ve been invited with a plus one before and had no possible date and felt kinda lame RSVP’ing for just me… I’ve noticed that case with 2 guest and I’m not putting them in that position
I think this is a really great point of debate that needs to be discussed well in advance. Personally, we will only be giving plus ones to those in serious relationships, and we have absolutely no guilt about it.
I would rather have all of my single friends who I love there, then systematically pick them off to accomodate strangers. We’re very lucky to not have to worry about any guest being an island to themselves, as all of our guests are connected in some way.
Of course, every wedding is different, and I think whatever anyone decides to do should be respected.
I agree with Wolf2Be and Miss Camera on this one. I don’t really don’t think there are widely applicable, hard and fast rules for plus ones, try as people might to create some for the sake of making themselve feel better about the decisions they’re making.
In our case, we felt strongly about having a small wedding, with only guests who knew West Coast Groom and I as a couple. Having nothing to do with Plus ones, that was our goal, especially since we’re getting married at my Mum’s house. Plus ones kind of took care of themselves from there, as we know the significant others of all our really close friends and family. Unfourtunately, like Wolf2Be I know people who would abuse the Plus One offer (West Coast Groom’s cousin even asked if her brother could bring her friend as his date, since she was obligated to bring her bf and wouldn’t be able to bring her friend as a date. When I said know, she said “he he, just kiiiiiddding”. Uh huh.
My plus one rule is just that “Plus One.” No rules on who, how old/young, gender, whatever. It’s who they are sharing the occasion with! Howeverm I will only be expecting one, and not two or three or five as some people think “plus one” means “bring your whole darn family, and hey, the dog too!”
Yes, going to a wedding without a plus one can be brutal. However, there are more than a few people that I am inviting to my wedding and I don’t want to, but I HAVE to invite them or I would start WWIII in my family.
So for me, the people that I don’t want there in the first place cannot bring a plus one. If they don’t want to come b/c of that, well it is fine by me. I didn’t want them there in the first place.
Such a touchy subject! We’re in our late 20s, and personally I’ve been invited to weddings with a plus one and without. I’d always been slightly insulted by the latter. And, I’ve never abused the “plus one” by taking a “random.” We trust that our guests (our good friends and some cousins) will not abuse the option, either. If someone chooses to bring a date that we do not know, then I am going to assume it is someone special to him/her, and therefore I’ll be happy to host them. Then, I’m going to take a swig of champagne and get back on the dance floor.
These are great tips! Thanks for sharing.
Oh, the woeful political underbelly of wedding planning.
Well said. I honestly didn’t realize that you had to include a plus one…I just always thought that if I invited someone…they’d bring a date…and plan my guest list accordingly.
Since we were having a destination wedding we decided to let everyone bring a guest if they wanted. Lucky for us, we didn’t end up with any random guests or someone we had never met (well, except one, but her fiance couldn’t come so we were fine with it).
Both of our families are huge and when my oldest cousin got married 10 years ago, they started an “understood” tradition that cousins (adults, out of college, etc.) who are not engaged don’t get a plus one. Luckily, none of my single cousins are in serious relationships and our family always has fun together so I don’t feel bad not inviting them to bring a guest. My fiance’s family doesn’t seem to have that tradition so I’m predicting we end up inviting boyfriends and girlfriends of the cousins. While I don’t necessarily want to spend money on his cousin’s latest fling, I’m not going to stress over it. Whatev, you know? We’ll definitely be inviting plus ones for our single friends though.
A large percentage of my college friends are getting married now (we’re all in our late twenties), and the general rule everyone has followed is +1s are given if we know the SO or if the couple is engaged, but otherwise only the individual is invited. Sometimes this means people are traveling solo, but we meet up, share hotel rooms with other out-of-state friends, and have a great time. It would be far more awkward for all of us if we were busy introducing random BFs. Before I got engaged I went to a couple of these weddings without my FH, and I think he would have been uncomfortable if he had been forced to attended. On the other hand if the bride had included a +1, I would probably have taken him, and the other girls would have done likewise. I think the appropriate “rules” sometimes depend on your social circle and how you have done things in the past (although someone has to be the one to set the pattern).
My family is huge and our small, 75 person wedding has turned into over 160 invitations going out.
We’re only inviting plus ones if the person is married or engaged. Everyone else invited knows the other people there, so they’ll be sitting with friends or family.
I read all over the web for etiquette.
The consensus seems to be- you’re supposed to invite everyone who’s an adult +1, and they’re not supposed to bring a guest unless they’re seriously dating.
That’s what’s up.
I have to agree with chicagowife - with a limited budget and limited space, I’d much rather invite 5 more people that I know than “and guests” that I’ve never met and will likely never see again, especially when the single friends that I am inviting will know tons of other people there.
The guestlist is def starting to stress me out.. I didn’t think it would.. and I thought I was the lucky one that it would be so easy.. but man… I’m not just struggling with plus ones! ahhh
thanks for the post - it helped!! =)
It’s a difficult decision….
For our wedding (Chicago), each guest costs us $160 and our room fits max 125 but we only budgeted for ~100. With two large-ish famliies and mine flying in from either coast it was a very hard decision. We only gave +1’s for people in long term relatioships/or are married/ or will not know anyone there. For everyone else, we are promising to put them at fun tables
For everyone else- we are waiting to see what our RSVP accept/decline rate is and give them +1’s as the budget allows.
Before I was engaged I never really understood the challenges of +1’s. I would love to have everyone bring someone but for us it has come down to inviting someone we know and love or giving a friend a +1 who may end up being someone we never met before.
I think the worst thing about people bringing random (non-relationship) dates is that it can start a chain reaction. If you have a group of friends, most of them might be totally comfortable just going together without dates. But if a few of them decide to bring a date, then the others don’t want to be the only ones without a date, so they feel the need to bring someone!
The only thing i dont like about plus ones is that you many say you are paying $100 for a person you dont even know and may not ever see again. Some people date around and dont get serious…so why give someone a plus one when they might only be with this person for a month? The only people at our wedding who are getting plus ones are married couples and couples who have been together a year or more.
“If you are just out of college and think your friends will abuse it, fine…do it your way, but to have specific ideas and rules over who can and can not have a plus one is extraordinarily tacky.”
I find it a little odd to say that specific rules for who can and can not have a plus one is tacky. The whole point of etiquette is that it is rules for social situations to avoid offending anyone….
It is my understanding that etiquette says that people who are married(possibly engaged? not sure) are considered a social unit and should definitely be invited together, inviting other people with dates is up to the hosts. Additionally, it is more polite to put the guest’s name than “& Guest” on the invitation…so before I sent out STDs I asked everyone if they had a significant other so that I knew who to address the invitation to and people either told me or said they were not dating long enough that they thought they should bring the person(or didn’t have a significant other at all).
Personally, before my fiance and I planned to and got engaged, it never would have occurred to me to bring a date to a wedding, or that anyone else not engaged/married would bring a date.
@Miss Kitten: I agree. That’s why I think it actually makes sense and is not in bad taste at all to have some rhyme or reason to your plus ones. If you have a tight budget, but a group of close friends that you’d like to have at your wedding and who will be totally comfortable attending together without random dates, why double what it would cost you just to have that group there? In this economy, I’m being selective about who I’d like to celebrate with, and celebrating with my friend does not mean that I’d like to celebrate with her brother/cousin/random fling.
What’s so wrong with wanting to keep your party intimate and your budget under control?
I am a little confused as to when a “plus one” became a “random stranger”? I don’t think plus ones are necessarily randoms.
On another note, I think there is some misinterpretation going on here. Budgets and finances are a major concern. I was not advocating a “free for all” where guests are allowed to invite any bum off the street. Actually, throughout my post I went out of my way to emphasize that every couple has a right to make their own decisions. I was, however, advocating a lightened mood regarding the guest list and plus ones. It seems that I have failed in this attempt. 
Oh well! I guess we got some lively conversation out of it. Cheers!
@Miss Glitter: Oh, I don’t think of all plus ones as random strangers, but I was partially referring to the above comment saying something about it being tacky to have rules about who gets a plus one and who doesn’t and that all people over a certain age should get a plus one and that you shouldn’t invite people who you’re not giving a plus one to.
I found your post clear in its levity and fun. Sometimes the comments just take on a life of their own!
I am not a fan of random +1 guests. I had 2 people bring dates (people they weren’t dating!) to the wedding, I hadn’t met either of them.
When I got my proofs back from the photographer, I was shocked to see them in quite a few of the pictures….I was disappointed that they hogged the camera time and the people I love and want in my pictures (that I paid a pretty penny for!!) are not included and these yahoos are.
I say no to uninvited plus ones.
(I made a concerted effort to include significant others of unmarried guests on the invite)
At over $165/person, we are being VERY selective about +1s. I am on medical leave & that has severely limited our budget. We chose our venue (with a set EXPENSIVE caterer before I got sick & can’t back out.) Emily/Peggy Post says that the plus 1 cut-off is living together. (We were going to only do +1s for engaged & married couples originally.) I don’t feel like the vast majority of our guests would take advantage of +1, but enough would to make it expensive and me unhappy. Already we have all of these rude people inviting themselves (well, I never!) & asking to be ushers. (what?!) I feel like the people who I don’t invite with +1s are people I haven’t kept in close contact with, & I won’t care that much if they get offended. We are probably going to do +1 for people who: are living together, (engaged or married, obviously), don’t know anyone else or are @ a table w/ all married couples, possibly out-of-towners. If we haven’t met your SO, & you’re not engaged, sorry-tough luck. Our wedding is in the end of June & a friend from out of town called randomly yesterday to let me know that she & her boyfriend OF 3 MONTHS bought their plane tickets. I haven’t even sent out the invites yet! I was a little steamed. I was going to invite her w/ her recently divorced husband WHO I KNOW, if they hadn’t gotten divorced (it was super quick), so I’m getting over it, but I still think it’s rude to assume. Also, she is coming in from out of town (BUT she grew up around here & has family here & will know people @ the wedding). FI & I are AGONIZING over our guest list not only because of money (but certainly that’s a large part), but also because I don’t want a bunch of strangers there. I’ll take ANY advice re: +1 (via those little @ comments), as it is the biggest thorn in our side. (I’ve already read the fab post & all 57 comments!)
Sorry!!! I didn’t realize my rant was THAT long! Yikes!
@driftslikesmoke: so here is a slight correction to what I said to further clarify: I think it is tacky to not include a plus one. Period. No matter what your age.
That said, I think it is just as tacky to go around looking for a date to bring to a wedding just because you were offered the plus one. Just as brides and grooms have the responsibility of budgeting their wedding for the appropriate amount of guests FROM THE BEGINNING, guests have the responsibility of not abusing the plus one.
Sadly, guests aren’t always that responsible…and I hate to say it, but it tends to be the younger crowd who doesn’t ‘get it’. So if you suspect your friends will abuse, than go ahead and don’t offer the plus one.
Budget issues should be worked out as the first step of planning a wedding. As far as intimacy, there are many other ways to create intimacy than cutting your guest list. Sure, if my cousin had actually brought his tramp-o-the-month girlfriend to our wedding, I would have felt odd that there was someone there I didn’t know and hadn’t planned on seeing my sacred vows, but in the end (and I am going to catch a boat-load of crap for this one) the reception isn’t just about the bride and groom. A party, is a party, is a party and if you are a good host/ess you want your guests to be as comfortable as if they were in your home. Would you ever have a dinner party with couples and hope your single friend didn’t show up with a date?
@anon: @driftslikesmoke: don’t mind my pregnant brain-fart…in my head, your comments were both from the same person and I got confused. But had you been questioning my earlier quote…which now I realize you probably weren’t…that would have been my response.
I’m going to bed. And yeah…it’s 8:30 ::grins sheepishly::
I don’t think it’s tacky not to give everyone a +1. Not too long ago, weddings were considered a good place to actually meet new people…I think it’s a shame that society is so anti-social nowadays that we can’t manage to have a decent time for five hours if we don’t know anyone. I’ve never had a problem going to weddings alone, and I’ve always had a good time. Honestly, before I started wedding planning it never occurred to me that anyone would make a fuss over something so petty.
That said, we will give “single” people +1s if they’re in relationships (no time requirements, we’re trusting our friends to be honest about whether they’re in a relationship or not, and will invite all of their +1s by name), and if they really, really won’t know anyone else there. Luckily, almost everyone there will know a significant number of other people, so that’s a rare situation.
For us, it’s less about budget and more abut venue capacity. We can only fit a certain number of people there, and have made our guest list based on that. For our friends, it would come down to a choice between being invited and being forced to spend the night socializing with old friends and hopefully making new ones, or not being invited at all. I certainly hope that our friends love us enough to choose the first option, because if they don’t, they probably aren’t good friends anyway.
I feel a little betrayed by the Post girls. Here I am following their rules about who’s allowed to bring a guest to my wedding, and now my actions have been labeled “tacky.” Ouch.
I think this plus one discussion is interesting! As a woman in my mid thirties, I’ve been to quite a few weddings. So I’ve gotten my share of invitations with “and guest” on them. But I know that the proper etiquette is really to formally invite the “plus one” guest with their own invitation. It sounds formal…but it also means that you truly want that guest at the wedding. At my mom’s wedding, a plus one guest caught her bouquet… her very real…not a toss bouquet. I think if it had been a good friend…she would have been happy…but it’s still a stranger in her wedding album.
@driftslikesmoke: Honey, I wasn’t trying to single you out, although it may have seemed like that! The comments definitely took on a life of their own. I’m really happy that people are sharing their opinions. I just didn’t want anyone to think I supported spending extra money/breaking your budget so a bunch of strangers can wander about at your ceremony/reception.
I do think it is great if you have friend groups that can hang with one another! In that case, I would think most guests wouldn’t mind coming by themselves at all.
By the way, I fully support intimate weddings. Actually, it makes me a bit sad that we won’t have a smaller wedding. But don’t get me started on that discussion
@Miss Glitter: Haha. After responding, I realized that you were probably not singling me out, but that’s what I get for responding quickly and when I’ve been awake since 4:00 AM!
Cloudy brains do not clear Weddingbee comments make!
I’m sorry if I’m repeating anything (I just don’t have time to read all of the comments, as much as I’d like to)….
Here’s a cautionary tale: I was invited to a friend’s wedding a couple of years ago. She asked me to do a reading during their ceremony, and I happily agreed. Then, when I got the invitation, there was no mention of a plus one, even though I was in a serious relationship (with my now-fiance). The trouble was, her wedding was in the middle of nowhere on the opposite side of the country, and I was going to know nobody. For a couple of weeks, I hemmed and hawed about bringing this up to her, and finally got up the guts to call her and casually say, “So are you guys allowing people to bring plus-ones?” Her answer was a resounding NO. Fast forward a couple MORE weeks, and I was feeling really sick about this. I have a very serious fear of flying that is made worse when I travel alone, and I’m also pretty shy when it comes to groups of people that I don’t know. Anyway, long story short, I did the cowardly thing and backed out of attending her wedding (and doing the reading) about a month before it happened. I made up some dumb story about not being able to afford the travel expenses. Not the best way to deal with this, I know. Looking back, I realize that I probably royally effed up her ceremony plans, which I do feel badly about. Still, all of this could have been avoided if she would have been more sensitive to my situation! I guess the moral of the story is: if there’s someone who you care a lot about having at your wedding, give ‘em a plus-one.
Now that I’m the one wearing the planning hat, I’m basically leaving the plus-one question totally open, and allowing our guests to do whatever they’re comfortable with. There are very few single people on our list who wont’ have a ton of friends at the wedding, so I think our plus-oneundrum (get it? Plus-one + Conundrum?!) will be pretty straightforward.
Haha, plus-oneundrum. I love myself.
Oh, and it goes without saying that when I finally backed out of her wedding, my friend broke down in tears that only a stressed-out bride a month before her wedding could produce. It was awful. Bad juju all around. If I could, I would go back and either decline my invitation from the start, or be more up-front about how important it was to me to have my man there with me.
Amen sista Glitter! I agree on all points. We’re allowing EVERYONE to bring a plus one (even grandmas whose husbands have passed). Our wedding is a destination affair for most (its on Cape Cod) where only my parents and aunt live so we figured that most people would want a travel buddy to explore the area with.
I understand the desire to want to make your guests feel welcome, that’s definitely important at any event. I believe, however, that weddings are holy, sacred events with the purpose of being being surrounded by people who love, care for, and support the couple and want to witness their commitment before God. Some guests’ “plus ones” (i.e. my cousins flavor of the month date) could care less about us or what it means to witness us take our vows. As a thirty-something bride, I’d prefer not to have someone there who isn’t a significant part of our lives or that of my guest. Your mature guests will understand that your wedding day is NOT about them, it’s about the bride and groom and their commitment before God and their friends and family. So anyone who makes it about them and insists on a plus one even though they are not in a serious relationship, simply should decline the RSVP to attend. I believe you can help ensure that guests who attend as singles are more comfortable using creative seating arrangements to help people meet others who came alone.
Great post! It really made me think hard about some of the invites we sent out. We did not give everyone a plus one because of that worry (or in their situations knowing) that they would just bring some flavor of the week and we didn’t want to pay at least $100 for that extra person…you really did give me some food for thought, though.
I agree with most of what you’ve written, especially how inappropriate it is to pass judgement on the SOs (or not-so-S-Os) of your guests. However, I’m going to absolutely disagree with your very first point!! I’m sure it seems (in your 20s) as if it would be practically the end of the world to show up at a wedding alone. Having just gotten married (for the first time) in my 40s, I can assure you that most of my friends (single or married) don’t feel that way at all. Very few of my married friends would hesitate to show up at a wedding without their spouse, should they not be able to attend - and very few of my single friends (male or female) actually wanted to bring a date to our wedding unless it was somebody they were very serious about. And several let me know that they would be quite insulted should I try to alter their single status by seating them with a single person of the opposite sex.
My experience is this: weddings are not great dates. Especially when you’re over 30, they tend to bring up all kinds of questions (from your family, your friends, and your date) about the seriousness of your relationship, most of which you probably don’t want to answer, unless you’re practically engaged. My experience is also that, by the time you’re in your mid-30s, if you really don’t have the ability to go out (by yourself) with a group of friends who may be all coupled up, you’re going to sit home alone, a lot. I’m sure I can’t speak for all singles of that age, but I’m pretty sure most of us have gotten past the point where we feel like attending without a date marks us as a total loser.
And I actually go lots of places with my parents. I’ve been to parties with my mom, to Europe with my dad, on a cruise with my mom - and to more than one wedding. I’m hoping that by the time your parents are in their 70s, as mine are, that you don’t feel it’s such a social stigma to escort one or both of them to any event at which they might enjoy your company. Of course, both my mom and dad are a lot of fun.
I agree with MightySapphire, when it comes to Plus 1’s - make sure people aren’t taking advatange of your hospitality. Inviting their family should not be on their agenda if it was not on yours. Also, my friends will all get a Plus 1 but I know that if they are not in a relationship they aren’t going to bring anyone. they get it. I guess I’m just lucky that way.
Great topic Miss Glitter!
Great timing for this post. We’re on the verge of finalizing our guest list and haven’t even touched the surface on the plus 1 topic. :p
@suzanno: Haha! Point well taken. I actually drew my inspiration for tip #1 from a situation with Mr. G. Awhile back, he was invited to a wedding of old family friends. We were engaged at the time and the bride knew this (However, she had never met me…so I guess that gets her off the hook?) The wedding invitation came addressed to Mr. G and his parents. Basically, he was invited as an escort of sorts for his parents? It was very awkward. Mr. G was annoyed because the wedding turned out to be the least intimate wedding he had ever been to, many others of similar age appeared to be granted plus ones, and he was stuck babysitting his mom all night. A bit of an extreme case. Personally, I wouldn’t mind having my mom or parents as a “date”, but then again, I am like you and enjoy their company. Others might not be so happy about the situation.
Tip #1 definitely doesn’t apply to everyone and every situation. Thanks for your input. I would never want to insult our friends that are single and over 30 or make them feel forced to “find” a date. Guess you just gotta know your crowd.
Well, as someone who is recently out of college, I am on the fence about who gets a plus one. I agree the BP should, but not sure about everyone else. At this stage in life people don’t have as much money as they will in a few years, but it doesn’t mean they have fewer family and friends. Maybe people already have trimmed their guest list as much (or more) than they are comfortable with. Maybe to some people, intimate means people they know. Personally I think it’s a little odd that people who don’t know me even want to be at my wedding. I’m a little afraid to give a blanket plus one to everybody since I know many will go out of their way to rustle up a date. It’s not just young people that do that, I have a cousin in her 30’s who is embarrassed to show up alone so she is always finding strangers to bring along to stuff, including family holidays where everyone does know each other. I can’t tell you how many family photos of special moments include some random guy or girl friend of hers.
@ Ms. Corn, I don’t mean to be rude, but please try not to just fall back on ‘tacky’ for every little thing you don’t agree with.
@Wolff2Be: She has actually met him several times. I had the same thought and decided to call her. She said it was purely due to budget cuts and that the groom’s parents had withdrawn promised money in the past month. While I understand budget constraints, I am still bothered that he wasn’t invited and I known her longer than either of our roommates. I am on the fence about what to do…
@Crash: No worries…I don’t find it rude at all…just a bit ironic… Just as I don’t generalize everything I don’t agree with as ‘tacky’, you shouldn’t generalize my two statements here as “falling back on ‘tacky’ for everything I don’t agree with”.
Of course tacky is a tacky word…perhaps I should have used tactless or inconsiderate. I find it inconsiderate to your guests to not at least give them an option. I find it inconsiderate of guests to assume that a plus one means dredge up a date. I do, however, find it tacky to try and determine who does and does not deserve a plus one based on (as Glitter joked):“Allowable Plus Ones - Married couples or significant others who have been dating for 12 months or more. By “dating” this means they have had been on more than 25 consecutive Friday night dinner dates with one another and/or have slept over one another’s places at least 50 times. In addition, you (as the bride and groom) both must have met this alleged significant other no less than 20 times in mixed company.
Hope that has helped clarify.
Oh…and to add some levity…since I know Glitter wanted to keep the conversation light…
I’MNOTWEARINGANYUNDERPANTS!!!
@Mrs. Corn: HAHAHAHA!!!! Corn, you are craazy! I love it!
Mr. Taffy was invited to a wedding in NY two summers ago. He wasn’t invited with a plus one, but when he talked to them about how travelling from Detroit without a companion wasn’t great, the groom insisted that I could come. We made all of our travel arrangements. Then, three days before the wedding (!!!) the bride put her foot down and said that he couldn’t bring a guest.
So I had *three days* notice to find a friend to stay with in NY (on july 4th weekend!) while Mr. T went to the wedding, or I would have had to hang out in the hotel room out on long island while he was at the wedding. I could not believe how rude this was. Then, on top of it, they kept Mr. T super busy the next day doing post wedding errands for them, even though they had a huge bridal party who could have helped, AND they knew I was stranded in Manhattan waiting for him to come back. Unbelievable. I was soooo mad.
This is a tough one for us. We are that couple that is selectively choosing our Plus 1s. Everyone in a relationship is getting a plus one and anyone who is traveling alone is getting one as well. But the majority of our single friends are not. Are guest list is 60- not necessarily due to cost but other factors. If we allowed a blanket plus one, our friends wouldn’t even get an invite. They understand this and they can’t wait to celebrate with us.
Glitter, I have an experience similar to yours. Mr. K received an invitation to a friend’s wedding and put both of us as a “yes” on the RSVP card. At the time, Mr. K and I were engaged, but he didn’t know enough about wedding etiquette to know that if your envelope doesn’t say “and Guest” that is not okay. Of course, I had no idea there was no “and Guest” on the invite or I would have never let that happen. A few weeks later, the groom called and said that the bride had put her foot down and he couldn’t bring a date. We were pretty miffed because we were engaged, I wasn’t a random stranger! Their wedding ended up being HUGE, like 500 guests, so Mr. K was pretty annoyed that I couldn’t come. But I didn’t mind, I didn’t really want to go anyway!
Fast forward about a year. Mr. K invites both his friend and his new wife to our wedding. AND THEY ARE BOTH COMING! To our intimate, destination wedding! I have yet to meet this bride who didn’t want me at her 500+ wedding, and now she will be one of 75 people at mine?!?! Awkward!
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Mrs. Glitter, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 27, Research Consultant/Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Accounting
Engagement Date: May 6, 2007
Wedding Date: June, 2009
Venue: Millenium Biltmore Hotel
About Me: I was born and raised in West Los Angeles, California. I spent eight years in the Northeast working and completing my education. Having split time between two sides of the country has given me a true appreciation for both coasts. It has also provided an overabundance of cross country drives, flights and long distance relationship fun/misery! I love my family, my doggy Emma, fabulous wine, Anthropologie, politics, reading, being outdoors, exploring new cities, and good movies! My fiance and I are complete opposites, but somehow we have managed to fall completely and hopelessly in love.
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