Weddingbee Blog

While wedding planning and all the fun details that go along with it are so fun and exciting, we can’t forget about what brought us to this point: a relationship. Whether you are nearly engaged, engaged or married, it’s probably a safe assumption that your relationship has had ups and downs. From the first date and every day after there is so much learning, growth and emotion that occurs.

I’m training (and about to graduate) for my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and have been working as a counselor with teenagers for the last year. Obviously my training and learning has had a lot to do with relationships. I wanted to jump on my therapist soap box and share a little bit more about my and Mr. Ducky’s relationship and a book that helped us to grow.

During the first year of our relationship, I read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages for Singles.” I had heard a lot about the book and finally decided to read it. It made so much sense and not only helped me with other friendships in my life, but my developing relationship with Mr. Ducky. After reading it, I also had Mr. Ducky read the book (he skimmed and listened to my explanation).

The book is based on the idea that we all have different love languages that we give and receive. We need to receive our primary love language to feel loved and without it, we may feel neglected or discouraged. Here is a quick summary of the five languages.

• Words of Affirmation: “Mark Twain once said ‘I can live for two months on a good compliment.’ Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, ‘You look great in that suit,’ or ‘You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,’ are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved… Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.”
• Quality Time: “Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate… A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared. Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. Quality activities are a very important part of quality time…”
• Receiving Gifts: “Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion…These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.”
• Acts of Service: “Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy…Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects.”
• Physical Touch: “Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.” Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual. It can also just be touching when you talk or giving hugs. (Think how important physical touch is for a young baby developmentally)

Photos from a post on EAD by photographer Angie Schoenherr

Sometimes you can better tell what your love language is by what you give. Do you often write your friends a quick email of encouragement? Do you feel so much more connected with someone after you sit down and have lunch? Do you try to go out of your way to help out a friend in need or to make their day easier?

My primary love language is quality time. I need to be able to connect with people, talk to them and be able to hear about how their life is going. (Probably why I am becoming a therapist.) Mr. Ducky’s primary love language is Acts of Service. He loves to be able to give to others and help a friend whenever possible. I know he greatly appreciates and remembers when someone does something for him.

How is this applied to our relationship? It gives us a greater understanding of each other and our needs. If a period of time goes by and I don’t get to spend much quality time with Mr. Ducky because of all the craziness of our schedules, I start to feel distant. He has learned how important it is that we make time in our schedule to do things together and be able to touch base. Mr. Ducky does so many wonderful things for me like fixing all my technology, making me dinners and doing other acts of service. Don’t get me wrong, I love when he does these things and I appreciate them so much. But above and beyond I feel the most loved and connected when we can go spend the afternoon together. Sometimes something as simple as watching him go surfing and grabbing lunch after can make all the difference in the day for me.

I know relationships need a little bit of all five languages and one cannot be ignored. It is a balance. But I do think that sometimes if you are feeling distant from your significant other, it could be because you aren’t receiving your primary love language. They may be loving you with a different language that you can see after you take a step back to observe.

If you get a chance, read one of the books (there are some adapted to relationships, singles etc.) and see if you can relate to any of it. You can also check out the website for a quick test of what your language is. This book isn’t necessarily “the truth” and solution of all relationships, but it definitely has important points that have helped give me a better understanding of people. By learning the love languages of the people around me, I can better invest in our friendship by not just speaking my own quality time love lanaguage. The book goes into a much more detailed explanation that above and talks about how you can learn to “speak” the different languages.

What’s your primary love language? Can you relate to not getting enough of it?

How sweet are all those engagement pictures? Here are a few more…