Weddingbee Blog

I chose to write about commitment-phobes because I used to be one. I haven’t had any commitment issues with Mr. D - but he is the exception, not the rule.

Prior to meeting Mr. D I had been in a 4-year on and off relationship that had really done a doozy on me. We started dating when I was 17, and he wasn’t much older. He was the first person I had met that maintained my interest and excitement - it was the first time I had ever experienced a “spark”. However, instead of giving each other room to grow, we became afraid of the changes we experienced. We lacked trust and understanding, and our relationship had more contempt than could be considered remotely healthy. When things were good I was happy, and when things were bad, they were so very, very bad. I feel sick to my stomach writing about these things now.

I think I stayed for a few reasons, one being that I had never known anyone so intimately. I thought I had chosen this relationship and that was it—I had made my decision and I loved that person. I stayed because I had sacrificed a lot to be in that relationship: my college choices, and my relationships with friends and family to name a few. Looking back, I found another reason I stayed. By committing myself fully to a relationship I knew ultimately had little to no future, I didn’t have to face the world and open myself up to someone new, someone who would be a better match.

I was a commit-phobe in a serious relationship.

It’s one of those things where hindsight is 20/20 and I doubt I could have seen it while I was in the thick of it. After that person and I parted ways permanently, I took several months off the dating scene to enjoy life. I hadn’t really been single since I was 17, and there I was at 22. I’d never even been on a real date!

So I made a rule for myself - go on every first date. I figured a few things could happen: I could have a great time, or I could make a new friend, or I could have a terrible time and laugh about it later. As you can imagine, this rule has left me with so many hilarious dating stories. The problem was, I wanted sparks. Although my first experience with “sparks” ended up burning me, I was determined to find them again. I dated around and began and ended relationships before they could end up causing me pain. I had recently ended one only a few weeks before I met Mr. D. It’s crazy to think that in the span of a few weeks I went from swearing off dating, to being hopelessly devoted to Mr. D.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I certainly wasn’t looking to get married, but when I met Mr. D, I knew it was fate. I didn’t experience sparks—I experienced a supernova. He is the one I give my whole heart to without fear or reservation. As you can imagine, at some point the “bigness” of all this did spook me a bit, but I was over the hiccup as suddenly as it had appeared.

Are any of you former commitment-phobes too? Were you looking for a long-term relationship or were you pleasantly surprised to find your husband-to-be when you least expected it?