I always envied those who didn’t have to pay, in part or in full, for their own weddings. Since I wanted to elope in the first place, thoughts of ’better uses’ often came to mind when I sent out wedding payments. So when MOH-Ho got engaged and her parents offered her basically a blank check to pay for her wedding, the first thing out of my mouth was something like “HolySeabiscuit! You best not take that shiz for granted!”
Last week over dinner, MOH-Ho told me about a bunch of wedding ideas that have been scratched off her list, ideas that she felt confident about just the week before. Turns out, her parents were less than thrilled about them. It surprised me because her parents are the most understanding and supportive parents I have ever met. But of course, if there is anything I’ve learned from planning my own, it is that weddings bring strong opinions out of da woodworks.
The objections were prefaced with, “You can do what you want, but…” And while we know they absolutely meant it, MOH-Ho conceded to everything her parents disagreed with so far.
From the officiant selection to the whimsical theme incorporated in the ceremony, none met the criteria of a traditional wedding, like how they believe something as sacred and significant as a wedding should be. “I gotta pick my battles,” said MOH-Ho, “it’s their money and I definitely want them to have their say in this!” Fortunately, MOH-Ho and her parents have a wonderful relationship, and while compromises will have to be made, I’m sure everyone will be happy with the wedding in the end.
I used to think that if someone wanted to pay for our wedding, they could do whatever they wanted. But I now realize that it’s not that easy. Had our parents contributed to our wedding, I’m not sure I could have easily let go of my own vision for their approval. They, too, were less than thrilled about all my ideas until they saw it all put together, and agreed afterward that it turned out to be wonderful and very us. I’d also hesitate in spending, especially splurging on unnecessary items, if it was someone else’s money (MOH-Ho is feeling the same).
Perhaps it is me who has been taking our ability to afford this freedom for granted. I guess the tea is always greener in the other cup, eh?
Is anyone sponsoring or chipping in for your wedding? How much are ’says’ worth? Does the percentage in financial contribution correlate to the amount of influence in decisions making?
my parents are paying for our reception….my SO and myself are paying for everything else: flowers, decorations, photog, dj, ect….the only thing my parents have put their “says” into are the invite list and the menu…i menu part doesn’t bother me as much as the invite part does…i wanted a smaller wedding and now the list is over 200…slightly, but still….and you can’t say no because they are paying for the extra people!!!
My parents are contributing a lare portion of my wedding budget. Of course they will have a say in the wedding, but they would have even if they weren’t contributing because I value their opinions. If I come across an interesting wedding idea, I run it past my mom. If she didn’t “get it” or think it was a good idea, I’d definitely take that into consideration. But I don’t know that I would or wouldn’t do something just because they asked if my heart wasn’t into it. My mom is still trying to convince me that a good photographer isn’t worth it, but it’s very important to me so I will be paying for it.
I had a very similar revelation last weekend. My close friend and bridesmaid is getting married a month before me and her parents are footing the bill. While she is having a small wedding and there is not a limitless budget, her mom is very involved in the planning, from picking the bridesmaid dresses to planning the bachelorette party. At one point, I thought, “wow! I wish my mom was so involved in the wedding-planning!” After thinking it over, though, I relaized that I am happier with how things are for my wedding. My parents are contributing very little, but it also means they have little say in what we do. Not that I don’t value my mom’s opinion, but I love that when I have an idea or decision, she almost always thinks it is great!
My parents paid for the whole thing, and it was a LOT. I didn’t realize they’d have such strong opinions though, and they definitely saw it like it was their party to host. It turned out great when all was said and done. But both me/now husband and my parents had very different assumptions at the begininng!
My parents are helping with our “big ticket” items, but are graciously allowing Mr. MagPie and I to have the final say for each decision. I’m so lucky they realize this wedding is a celebration of Mr. MagPie and my love — event if they’re helping to foot the bill!
I was ridiculously fortunate – not only did my parents generously offer to throw the wedding, but they didn’t ever once play the “we’re paying, we decide” card. We took all major decisions to them first, but they generally offered opinions and input rather than trying to make the decision for us. Its pretty much how my parents raised me which was helping me make decisions vs. imposing, but how luckly was I to have them follow this while paying for our wedding!! I think I need to go thank them again……
His family is contributing to the wedding. They have been super-laid back about ideas, but whenever they suggest something, I try to incorporate their suggestion 110% out of appreciation!
We’re a lucky couple!
My parents are paying for our wedding, and though they haven’t pulled that card yet, we definitely have to involve them with every decision we make, which is a little frustrating at times. But at the end of the day whatever we want “wins” and though we might have to push a little more then we would want to, it’ll be worth it when it all comes together on the big day.
i completely know what you mean. despite both of our families paying for nothing, there’s still a part of us that wants their approval on our plans. i think it’s great that you feel the way you do.
Part of the reason we don’t know if/how we can get married is because our families won’t/can’t (varies) help us out. We have a home and don’t have enough extra $$$ to do it on our own. We researched the costs for just the basic wedding, and it seems like we won’t be able to. 
I’ve been extremely lucky in this regards. Both our parents and my maternal grandparents have essentially paid for the wedding, not including the hooneymoon or venue rental fees. Their money has come with no strings attached and they’ve all been very “hands-off” on the whole thing. I count myself very fortunate in this and know that if things had worked out any other way, wether the funds came with strings or not at all, we would have gotten eloped. I couldn’t deal with the added stress of making my vision match with the expectations of others.
I have been very fortunate as well. My parents are essentially paying for the whole thing. They haven’t thrown out the “we’re paying, we decide” card either and I don’t think they will. So far I’ve been able to do pretty much everything I’ve wanted without even a raised eyebrow. I think it helps that I run everything by them and don’t just purchase something and then tell them the bill. On the few things I thought were too extravagant ($80 cake topper from Etsy), they absolutely insisted that I get it and, in fact, kept fussing at me when I kept putting it off.
However, I’m sure things wouldn’t be running this smoothly if, say, I wanted to have a wedding like the author of “Offbeat Bride” had. I think my parents would faint if I used even half of the ideas she had…
My parents are paying for the majority of all wedding expenses, but they have been incredibly about the whole thing. My dad knows how thrifty I am and is incredibly impressed that I am pulling together the whole thing with an $8,000 budget. I thought for sure they would have something to say about my wanting a casual, no-frills vegetarian reception but instead of worrying would people would think they let us know they were impressed that I wanted something so economical! I guess I just didn’t fall very far from the tree!
I am in the same boat. Parents are basically paying for everything. While I would have asked for their opinion on a lot of things if they weren’t fitting the bill, I now feel it’s more like needed approval. There have been a few issues so far. They’ve won some, FI and I have won some. So far we are underbudget, so hopefully they will see my skills and accept more decisions.
My parents are contributing a large portion but they don’t say its for the wedding they say its a gift to start our life together 
they are really laid back or maybe they don’t understand what an american wedding is like 
so neither of my family members or his have been butting in. the only thing my parents do care about is that people know the meaning behind marriage and the importance aka we had to do it in a church and they care which minster we use (but that would have been the case even if they didn’t give me a cent!)
I am SO thankful that we are paying for our own wedding! My mother’s ideas are not at all like my own! And her reactions to our plans are always “Mm hm…”
I think that if someone is paying they have a 50/50 say in what is done with their money. On the one hand, yes it is your party. On the other hand, it is their money. So technically they are hosting. So technically it’s their party.
Thus the reason I am SO glad we are paying for our own wedding!!!!
My parents are paying almost half of the expenses – basically part of the venue fee and the catering. I definitely think that if I had allowed to them to pay for more, they would’ve had more say. They don’t really do the whole “we’re paying for it so it’s our party” but they do the “Well, it’s up to you guys, but….” which drive me nuts sometimes. There was also an issue with the venue search and my fiance and I really loving a place but they were not so happy with it so we had to compromise. For the most part, though, they’ve been great and supportive.
Both sets of parents are paying, since fi’s list is a lot larger than mine. So that means that his parents are taking a big say in things and pretty much have decided on the caterer and videographer (which we didn’t want) on their own without our input. Yeah sucks but since it is their money. Thankfully my parents have been really good and accepting of my ideas.
I feel so lucky. My parents are contributing about half, and have been totally supportive, and enthusiastic, about anything I’ve come up with. They were ahead of their time with the alternative wedding concept though. My mom made her cotton, hand embroidered dress. My dad wore an untucked button up shirt and slacks. They got married in the early 70′s on a hilltop in a friend’s backyard. If anything, I think they would be less supportive if my wedding was going to be more traditional.
my parents are paying a good portion but it was definitely not a blank check! It was a set amount, “do with what you will”. It’s nice because I have very litle pressure to do things a certain way, and I don’t feel like i have to cut costs because I’m getting the same amount whether I contribute twice as much as my parents, or just use what they give me.
we’ve adjusted our wedding based on what additional money we can contribute.
My parents have been soo flexible and supportive…the only challenge so far has been finding an MOB dress we both like!
Mrs. Green Tea, Sacramento Age and Occupation: 30, Tea Analyst Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Coffee Critic Engagement Date: November 17, 2006 Wedding Date: August 23, 2008 Blogging Since: June 10, 2008 Venue: Vineyard on the Delta About Me: I'm just your average obsessive compulsive, arts & crafts loving, funky-on-the-inside/boring-on-the-outside girl, who dares to say 'Hey! I can make that!' Nerdy professional by day, goofy won-ton by night. The won-ton sometimes comes out during the day when I'm fed the dollar breakfast at Ikea. Since our engagement, wedding planning has put me on high alert for bargains and I've been pushing my nimble fingers through callous building experiments!
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