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We just passed the four month mark before the big day. It is making me a little nervous, because for some reason, three months until the wedding seems a lot closer than four. Last week I looked at our timeline and realized that our unfinished guest list is staring me in the face. My hesitancy to produce the final list has come as a result of some decision-making issues. Let me explain. Beyond our list of definite invites, there is a group of “indefinites” (for lack of a better word). These are friends we were once close to, yet, we have drifted apart from either physically or emotionally: childhood friends, high school friends, college friends, and friends from old jobs. Well, you get the picture. We are on the fence about inviting many of these people. On the one hand, they have been significant people to us at certain times in our lives. On the other hand, these are not people that we interact with every day. A friendly note via Facebook, an email, or running into them at a social gathering is just about the extent of our communication.
Where do you draw the line as to which friends get an invite and which don’t? We have some room on our guest list. Not a lot, but some. I feel conflicted because several of my future in-laws’ friends will probably get an invite (don’t get me started on this subject), and we barely know a lot of them. So why then, should we fail to consider old friends?
The flip side of this is that maybe some of the indefinites don’t even want to attend our wedding. I’m a realist. I understand that not everyone is banging down the door to get into our wedding, especially those we haven’t seen in a while. I don’t want to put them in an awkward situation where they are like, “Hmmm, if we say “yes”, does that mean we have to dole out money for a gift for these people?” (Okay, I hope no one says that. But you never know…)
Do you have any indefinites on your list? Also, if an old or distant friend has invited you to their wedding, did you find yourself (a) happy and honored to get the invite, or (b) uncomfortable that you were invited and searching for any excuse to get out of it?
I so feel you on the future inlaws inviting their friends and it being a don’t get me started topic. I would say invite the people who have the most meaning that you would look back and think if they were there that you wished you had invited them. Don’t invite simply out of obligation.
Same here with inlaws inviting people that my fiance’ has never even met. And my mother is asking to invite people I’ve never met either *sigh*. I tried to compromise with a “B” list. If neither of us has met someone they are automatically on the B list.
I’ve received invitations from old friends that I haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile. I felt happy for them but did not attend. I didn’t feel obligated to send a gift but I did anyway (something small of their registry). I felt more like it was a wedding announcement and I could take whatever action I felt was necessary.
yes! and yes! i’m actually going through the same thing right now…
We had a very small guest list, and the rule I used was if I hadn’t spoken to someone in more than a year or two, then I did not invite them.
“make new friends, and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold”
or, so went the song in grade school.
We had the same issue with our wedding. my husband chose not to invite his old friends who he’d fallen out of touch with, I chose to invite mine (particularly friends from grade school and high school). I only see these people once a year at best, but whenever we get together I feel the old ties and am confident that we truly care about each other and are enthusiastic about seeing eachother achieve positive things in life. these people also provide a link to who we were in the past, allowing us to connect to old memories and a deeper sense of self.
I’m a big wedding person myself, so i’m always happy and honored to get an invite, even if I can’t attend the wedding. And the weddings I’ve attended have sometimes re-energized old relationships. maybe we don’t become best friends again, but we have more regular chats and meetups, which is nice. After marriage, it seems like our everyday friends shifted a lot, so it’s nice to have older friends back in circulation.
Truth be told, only a few of them showed up, but many who did not sent little cards or emails with words of encouragement. The ones who didn’t care let me know by not answering.
aw… the dreaded guest list. And i also feel like if you invite one person from that “B-list” they come with an obligatory circle that you have to invite to. It just expands exponentially as you go further. It’s pretty hard.
I’ve dealt with the same problem (what to do with old friends, not the in-law one). For me, it came down to being honest with myself — did I really think that, five years from now, my relationship with those people would have picked back up? Or would our friendship just be five years more distant? And to what extend did I think it was worth trying to rekindle the friendship? Based on that criteria, some went on the guest list and others didn’t. it was hard, but I think it was the right decision in our case.
i really tried to think about people and decide whether or not i wanted to spend time with them on my wedding day. there are tons of people i like a whole bunch but when it came down to it i realized i didnt really feel like i needed or wanted them there for my special day. that mindset helped me let go of a lot of people! (i mean, i still have 150 so its not a tiny wedding, but i am happy that almost everyone is very close to me or my fiance)
So I don’t have that many close friends, so on the top of my head maybe 15 people that i really want. My finance pretty much wants to invite his whole frat. My parents family friends would be like 4 people. They wouldn’t even want to invite a whole bunch of friends because its our wedding not theirs. His family? Well when I asked him if his family could contribute to the bill since my family has fallen on hard times with the economy, and he said that means we’re gonna have to be able to accomodate even more of his families friends. None of who know my name, or ever met. One asked me if they could give me a korean name because my name was too hard. Given this, I feel like his side will be packed, and mine will have 20 people tops out of a possible 150ppl(the national average so we figured this was a good number), even though its mostly my family and me that will pay for the wedding. Just to even it out, I feel like I should invite all these past friends, acquantiances (like my hs cheerleading friends, who i hate, but still sat with them for lunch everyday). Is that wrong?
i’d feel honored to get an invitation to a wedding because the happy couple thought of me…
I completely agree with Jenny. I have been invited to a few weddings of grade school/high school friends, which I have attended (although I never brought a date despite the “plus one” on my invite - they wouldn’t know him and/or we weren’t serious enough at the time). This has led to renewed friendships and we have been better about keeping in touch (although after the fact, you can’t really “catch up” with the bride and groom the day of…). I would invite as many old friends as you could 
We have a B list, don’t feel bad! I think I was B-lister for another friend’s wedding. I ended up just sending a gift instead of attending. And it wasn’t awekward and I didn’t assume they only wanted a gift. It was nice they thought of me!!
I have old friends still listed as “indefinites,” too. In fact, I’ve pushed my inability to make decisions so far, that I even gave the addresses of my indefinite guests to the calligrapher, so their invitations will be ready to mail if I decide to send them out.
My thought is that you can’t go wrong with sending out an invitation to an old friend. Best case scenario - they will come! Worst case - they won’t come, but you can’t blame yourself for asking.
I’ve been invited to a couple of weddings where I was surprised to get an invitation. At first, I’m thrilled - and then I realize that I’m not really that interested in going. I’ve had a good time at the weddings and were happy for the couple, but never had a renewed friendship come from attending their wedding. But I think these were relationships that had gone their course for a reason. Whatever had made us friends years ago just wasn’t there any more. No hurt feelings, just no connection.
We didn’t invite “indefinites.” We used a similar rule as chelseamorning. The only exception was for a couple that my husband was very close to, but had drifted from for no reason. They were ecstatic to be at the wedding, and he was so excited to see them. So basically - we invited anyone that we WANTED at the wedding.
But we had a small-ish wedding and kept tight control on the guest list. If you have room in your guest list and would like to invite someone that you would like to be at your wedding but just haven’t spoken to for a while because life got busy, then invite them!
Our basic rule of thumb is: don’t invite more people than your venue can hold, even if you don’t ‘think’ everyone will come … the odds are that if you invite more than can fit in your venue, they will all miraculously show up - because of this, you have a great excuse if you get grief about not inviting certain people to your wedding …
Concerning how we feel about being invited to a wedding when we haven’t seen nor spoken to the host for a while, we tend to lean more towards A - as long as it was someone we truly were close to and missed seeing.
@nelzbels: I feel you on that, how do I only invite a few out of a relatively small group? @jenny: same here, I’d feel honored. At first I was all about an A list/B list but now I think we’re going to only do an A list.
@nelzbels: Like Miss D’orsay said, I feel you. If you invite one or two, should you invite the whole group? Its tough to mess with group dynamics and the uninvited could easily feel left out!
@HL: You are right. Being honest is very important. I tend to always think I can get back in touch with everyone. Sometimes it just isn’t going to happen.
@tangt16: LOL. Wait, so if his family doesn’t contribute, do his parents still want to pack their guest list with people you don’t even know? I feel your pain. Mr. G’s parents are a little off in their judgment when it comes to the guest list, too. They’ve suggested things to me that I would never write on WB because it’s just too ridiculous. I love how people you’ve never met want to change your name. Fabulous!
@jenny: @agrosses: This is very good to know. Thank you for your input.
ahhh the guest list! i love getting invited even if i can’t go.. so with that thought i’d love to invite everybody but.. haha don’t want some to come.. 
not in a mean way i just can’t afford it! sigh…
The guest list is pure evil. It can hurt the uninvited and possibly ruin friendships.
I think it is best to have an A list only. This way you choose exactly who you would like to share your special day with.
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Mrs. Glitter, Los Angeles Age and Occupation: 27, Research Consultant/Writer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Accounting Engagement Date: May 6, 2007 Wedding Date: June, 2009 Venue: Millenium Biltmore Hotel About Me: I was born and raised in West Los Angeles, California. I spent eight years in the Northeast working and completing my education. Having split time between two sides of the country has given me a true appreciation for both coasts. It has also provided an overabundance of cross country drives, flights and long distance relationship fun/misery! I love my family, my doggy Emma, fabulous wine, Anthropologie, politics, reading, being outdoors, exploring new cities, and good movies! My fiance and I are complete opposites, but somehow we have managed to fall completely and hopelessly in love.
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