Wedding Blog
Well… to me at least. Not so much to the rest of my family. You see, I was raised Catholic. My grandparents, as well as some of my extended family, are very much practicing Catholics. In the past several years I’ve really drifted away from the Church and I don’t really know how to spiritually “classify” myself now. I’ve always dreamt of being married outside, as nothing would make me happier than to marry Mr. D with sunshine on my shoulders, surrounded by God’s creations.
The only problem with out lovely outdoor ceremony? It isn’t exactly valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church. My grandparents are going to figure out it isn’t a Catholic ceremony, because not only is it outside, but we also have a female officiant. I thought about finding a Catholic priest to perform the ceremony outside, but it still wouldn’t be recognized in the Catholic Church and it wouldn’t be considered Catholic by my extended family, either.
My mother, sister, and all of my aunts on my mother’s side have been married in the Catholic church. One of my aunts was divorced before I was born and remarried several years ago, but not in the Catholic church. She worked hard to have her first marriage annulled so that she could still remarry within the Catholic church. So, you can see the importance that my extended family puts on being married in the Catholic church.
Mr. D’s family is (not surprisingly) part of the Church of England, and is still practicing. I’m not exactly sure what the rules are within the Church of England as to where you can get married, but I’m pretty sure a wedding also needs to be in a church. To be completely honest, until I can say for sure, I no longer want to be a part of the Catholic Church, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable being married under another faith. Mr. D and I agreed we would prefer a spiritual, yet non-denominational service. I’d love to be able to make everyone in my family happy, but at the end of the day, the decision is mine and Mr. D’s alone.
How did you decide on the religious/spiritual aspect of your ceremony, especially if you both come from mixed religious backgrounds?
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Its so hard to make everyone happy! It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and Mr. D!
It’s not a universal rule that you can’t have an outdoor, Catholic wedding. The Church encourages marriages in the church building to symbolize their belief that the entire faith community is promising to nurture that marriage. You can get permission though to have it outdoors. I’m not sure how it works in the UK, but if you would like an outdoors, Catholic wedding in the US, most dioceses require the bishops permission. I know you said that you’re not interested in marrying in the Catholic church, but I mention it in case others are. Good luck finding a ceremony that fits you and Mr. D just right!
I think you are doing the right thing. Regardless of what your loved ones’ religious beliefs are, your marriage would be invalid in the eyes of God anyway if you did it in a church you didn’t believe in. I am not very religious and I’m pretty anti-chuch but believe in God and prayer. I can relate to your concern because I sometimes feel that “church” people don’t understand or respect my beliefs. Bravo to you for doing what you believe in!
Within the Church of England you must be within a church to be married- no outside weddings for us either!
We are being married outside, although part of me wishes we were marrying in a church. The truth is, none of our parents regularly attend a church, and neither do my fiancee and I, so we decided not to do it. I’m sure some of the older members of my family don’t think it’s the greatest idea, but they haven’t said anything.
You have to do what’s best for the two of you. It sounds like this is it!
We got married in the church because it was important to me. But I can sympathize with the compromises you have to make. I hope that your family accepts your decision!
Ours was easy to decide as one of the most important things to both of us when we met was not only the other’s “religion” but the particular denominations, belief and doctrine. We knew that there was no way we’d be able to live harmoniously unless we were on the same page, as well as raise our children with non-conflicting beliefs!
The pastor that’s marrying us was our college pastor (and still is my pastor).
Hope you figure out the best way for you both.
huh. i just went through this this weekend. Solution: Wednesday before my “real wedding’ we’re going to have a 10 minutes quick ceremony in my FI’s parent’s catholic church. then have the real wedding with a pastor in my outdoor wedding!!!
The Mr and I are both Catholic and I also had like you something that caused certain family members to look at us with wide eyes. The parish that myself and the mister were raised in is not were we are getting married. We deceided that we wanted to be married in a a church and become apart of the parish together. Dont get me wrong I will always love the church that our history is in but that history is as individuals we want to start our life together some where new where our children can be raised.
Do what will make you and the mister happy. Remember that it is YOUR wedding and you dont ever want to look back and regret anything.
I’m getting married in the Catholic church because my fiance and I are both Catholic. But, like you, I have always wanted to get married outside because I think I see more of God outdoors among his creations. But, my fiance and his family are super strict Catholics so we will be getting married in the church. I just wish the Catholic church would change their rules. It doesn’t make much sense to me.
The Episcopal church (i.e. the Church of England in the United States) will do outdoor ceremonies– I’ve been to several in fact. It might be left to the discretion of the individual priest e.g. he or she might not want to hike miles up to a remote mountain-top.
I think England has specific laws limiting weddings to specific registered sites– churches, nice hotels and registry offices. Some people (like Charles and Camilla) go to the registry office first to take care of the legal paperwork if they want to hold their ceremony in a non-registered wedding site.
I went to Catholic School til I was 11, needless to say I don’t practice anymore. I have a lot of issues with the validity of the Bible and all its contradictions. FI never practiced and barely went to church, so we’re having a custom made non denominational wedding. Mom wasn’t too happy we were getting married in a church, but I stood my ground and she’s ok with it now.
I really wanted to have an outdoor wedding, but since our wedding is in July (we booked the reception location first), and because I am a control freak, we decided that it would be best to have it indoors. My fiance’s father is very religious (Catholic) and had a strong opinion about the location. The church is ok; not quite the Catholic church I was thinking of, but as long as my fiance is happy (or his dad is happy), things will work out.
I was raised Catholic and my fiance is Jewish. We live Jewishly, but I am not ready to even say I’m a practicing Jew, let alone ponder conversion. Fiance’s mom is super-Jew, and puts a lot of pressure on me (which is likely why I’m so resistant to say I live like a Jew). My parents understand, but I think my dad is really disappointed. (He is happy that I picked SOMETHING, my sister is kind of wandering, and he’s less happy with that.)
We haven’t found an officiant yet, but it’s certainly something I’m anxious about–blending traditions nicely in a way that won’t piss off anyone. We’ll have a rabbi, but my Catholic-lay-minister Aunt will co-officiate. I hope that’s a happy compromise…
This is such a personal issue. I’m Christian and my FI was raised Catholic. EW have the same views and morals but my faith is very important to me and my family as for him and his they are not practicing. It was important that he converted and that we have the ceremony at a church. We didn’t have a problem with this .. but I can see how it can be so difficult and touchy.
My fiancee and I compromised by choosing a church/pastor neither of us was a member of (he was raised LDS and I was raised Episcopalian). We were originally to be married in the church (it was a Methodist church) and then ended up just having the pastor from the church officiate our outdoor ceremony. We can’t imagine having it any other way now. It was still very spiritual, our pastor was so wonderful and welcoming (and non-judgmental). I think being true to yourselves and not other people is the most important thing I could tell you based on my experience, and when the day came around all of our families were very happy and loved our ceremony.
I always knew I would get married outside! To me and Mr. K, the outdoors are so much closer to God than any church building!
I ended up getting married in a church neither my fiance or I or anyone in our family belonged too. But we had planned to get married at a church that was the same religion I was but due to pastors moving and not being replaced, we ended up being referred to another church of similar religion. At first I wasn’t sure about it, but after meeting several times with the pastor I was very comfortable and new that she cared about us having successful marriage and finding a church/religion that both of us were comfortable with and could attend together. She wasn’t pushy or anything. Of course our families were like what a female pastor? But I just told them I liked her and had learned alot from her, and she was going to do our ceremony. And that’s that 
It sounds like you are doing what is right for you and that’s all that really matters. I wanted to get married outside too but I had to get married in winter so that didn’t work out…
I had magical and spirtual ceremony in a barn (mind you a beautifully renovated barn space), but I guarantee I felt God’s presence fully there because of our wonderful officiate and our ceremony choices. I was so lucky that anyone who may have not agreed never mentioned it. Any nay sayers most certainly had a change of heart when they realized how spiritual a ceremony outside of a church building can be. Best of luck with your decision! I know it can be a frustrating process!
We are in a situation similar to yours. I was raised Catholic and he was raised Presbyterian. We are not regular church goers. We are getting married outdoors because that’s who we are. We love the outdoors and we just want to be married. If we were to get married in the Catholic church, he’d have to go through too much hoopla. We could get married in his parents church but we really want an outdoor, simple ceremony. We both agree that we want our future children raised with some sort of religious education. But I don’t totally agree with all of the Catholics Church’s “rules” and he gets frustrated with the monetary/political aspects of organized religion. But we both have a deep faith and spiritualism so I’m we’ll work it out sooner or later.
We are in a situation similar to yours. I was raised Catholic and he was raised Presbyterian. We are not regular church goers. We are getting married outdoors because that’s who we are. We love the outdoors and we just want to be married. If we were to get married in the Catholic church, he’d have to go through too much hoopla. We could get married in his parents church but we really want an outdoor, simple ceremony. We both agree that we want our future children raised with some sort of religious education. But I don’t totally agree with all of the Catholics Church’s “rules” and he gets frustrated with the monetary/political aspects of organized religion. But we both have a deep faith and spiritualism so I’m sure we’ll work it out sooner or later.
I was raised as a non-denominational and multi-churched Christian. Basically, my dad isn’t very religious at all (or at least NEVER talks about it) and my mom is somewhat religious but doesn’t belong to any one church. For years I would just go to various churches with different friends. Then when I was in high school I met some new people and started going to church with them and eventually was baptised and became a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yup, I’m Mormon. This change sparked quite a controversy in my extended family, but my parents are happy with whatever I’m happy with. Most of my extended family is either agnostic or atheist, although we do have a sprinkling of Catholic relatives.
My guy, on the other hand, has been Mormon his whole life, was raised in a Mormon household, etc. His mom is a convert tho (just like me!) so he does have family that aren’t members. Our main issue is that of Temple marriage. It’s something we both want but it’s getting tricky due to the fact that we’re having two ceremonies so that my dad can still walk me down the aisle and my family (and his mom’s side of his) can still attend and witness our happy day. Not only that, but pretty much all of my friends aren’t members, and some of his as well. This is fairly common among members tho, so we’re not having any trouble with anyone…as long as we have two ceremonies.
It just means more cost for us, but in the end it’s definitely worth it for us.
My fiance’s mother is DEMANDING a Catholic mass for our wedding, so that’s what we’re having. I never particularly cared to be married in the church, even though I was raised catholic, and it still bums me out a lot that we’ll likely end up dishing out over $2000 of our $10,000 budget just for a ceremony that I don’t really care to have, but if that’s the way it has to be, that’s how it will be.
You’re right, it’s your decision at the end of the day, and you should do what makes you happy. Weirdly enough, Mr. P and I both grew up in the Episcopal church, which is basically Catholic (extra) light. Our officiant is an old family friend…who also presided over a church near the Homestead at one point (though he now lives near us in Washington). Why am a rambling. Anyway, I’m glad you’re doing what makes it feel right for you!
As the French say, “une situation delicate”! When I told my Catholic parents that I wanted to get married in the backyard, I thought they’d be flattered by the choice. After all, it’s a spot that has a lot of meaning, and the gardens are beautiful. I listed all of my reasons and the drama got worse and worse. My fiance was raised Catholic, too, and though he would go either way, he advised caution as far as arguing with my parents, since they are paying for such a big chunk. Our compromise? A wedding with a Catholic priest ( a cool, younger one) in a neutral chapel. NOT a full mass, and we can have poetry in addition to the readings. Plus, cool non-religious music. The pre-marital classes that I was so scared of (hello, no birth control?!) are really dependent on your priest. Ours will have us answer a computer questionnaire and review the answers with a professional marriage counselor. Before you start any big fights about the church, do a little research with a priest to see what he’ll let you get away with! I cried about this for two weeks, and now I’m cool with the compromise. Good luck!
Miss D, we’re in exactly the same situation! I was raised Catholic (went to parochial school, the whole nine yards) but have definitely drifted away from the Church in the decade since I’ve left home. My parents, siblings, and most of my entire extended family is very religious. J grew up never going to church, and together we feel most spiritual outdoors, and being with those who we love and who love us. We’d prefer to leave religion out of the ceremony all together, but we’re going to throw a little in to placate my side of the family. There’ve been enough crying/yelling matches as it is, without trying to go all-out secular on them Just wanted to let you know, I feel your pain!
we ended up eloping for this very reason. it became increasingly clear that everyone’s family was going to be unhappy with whatever we decided, so we just went to vegas. :X
I too was raised Catholic and at the time of our wedding and now, am certainly not the ideal version of one. My husband was raised Christian and he is also not quite in that place right now either. Ultimately, though it mean some aggrieved grandparents, we went with what made us happy-outside, with my husband’s family friend who is an officiant. It was personal, and worked for us without being overtly, well, churchy, though it still had a Christian overtone. I say go with what makes you happy. Marriage is certainly a sacrament in the holiest and of ways but it can be on your terms, in my opinion.
at the end of the day, it’s yours and mr d’s day so it should be what you two want and not your families. bravo ms. d!
I’m glad to hear that I am not alone. I’m in a very similar situation. My family is catholic and I consider myself catholic but not a practicing one, however my fiance does not affiliate with any religion. I don’t think one HAS to be married in a church for it to be recongized by God. My grandmother is having a real hard time with my decision not to get married in a church, but my mother has been real supportive and understands that it is my and my fiance’s decision. We have also decided to get married in a garden with a friend’s uncle officiating the ceremony. I actually feel more comfortable knowing that someone I know is marrying us and not a stranger.
You can request what is called a dispensation to have a Catholic wedding outdoors, by the way! If you’re interested in trying to incorporate your Catholic heritage, you could look into that. Just go through your local diocese / parish.
It has definitely been a challenge. I’m Muslim and my fiancee is Methodist, so technically our marriage won’t be recognized in Islam. Consequently our ceremony will be performed by a Methodist pastor (his sister). We are focusing on the beliefs we share and avoiding those beliefs/traditions that make either one of us uncomfortable. It’s hard not to be swayed by family, and we have to keep reminding ourselves that WE are the ones getting married!
My sister got married in a hotel chapel, and because she wanted a Catholic wedding they had to get married in a little church nearby, the day before. The hotel chapel was not, of course, Catholic consecrated. Me, I didn’t care because I’m completely lapsed! Actually, so is she, but she still wanted a Catholic-recognised wedding. I don’t know about other countries, but as far as she could find out it was get married in a Catholic church or it doesn’t count.
I would look at a convalidation, which is what the Church calls a blessing of your marriage. DH and I had our big wedding performed by a family friend, and the next morning went to Mass and resaid our vows in front of a priest. Voila, our marriage was blessed and valid in the Catholic Church’s eyes. This was the best compromise for us as I wanted a Catholic “approved” wedding and DH didn’t want to get married inside of a church. Good luck!
do what feels right for you and yr husband.
i don’t think you could stomach having a ceremony that you don’t sufficiently believe in, for the sake of making others happy.
as many past bees have demonstrated, you can have a non-religious yet heartfelt & meaningful ceremony. i believe at the end of it all, yr family would be happy for you
good luck!
OMG I SOOO feel you on this!!
I was raised Catholic (even went to Catholic school!) but am no longer practicing. My FI’s dad is a Baptist minister (who desperately wants to officiate our wedding). I don’t know who will be more disappointed, my family (who is crazy about the Catholic thing like yours, all of us are named for saints and stuff) or his family (because his dad won’t be officiating). What they all don’t know yet is the word “God” won’t even be uttered during the ceremony. I don’t know how they’ll feel about it, but hopefully they won’t say anything to me about it on THE DAY. Ours is an outdoors ceremony too! I can’t wait to hear the disappointment…lol. Packing my bags for a guilt trip!!
Your ceremony should be the most personal part of your day. Do what is best for you and your FI!
My FI and I share the same faith and his dad is a minister and will perform our ceremony. Even though on the big issues we’re lucky to have a common foundation the details of the wedding ceremony still get critcized by both our families. We’re committed to making our ceremony ours.
I’m in the same spiritual boat as you, but Mr. Rye is humanist ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanism ) (read: atheist), and I consider myself humanist also. My parents are very strict catholic, as is your family, and they were shocked when I told them a priest wasn’t going to marry us. But you know what? Who cares? Get married for you! I’m NOT going to get married in a church by a priest. It wouldn’t feel as sacred or special to me. It wouldn’t feel like I was being married, it would feel like I was putting on a theatrical play for my family. Do what’s significant and important for YOU - everything else will fall into place.
We are both catholic and happily got married in a church. While I did feel the lure of an outdoor ceremony, even if I could have had one I probably would not have just because I would have been so worried about the weather! It gave me a lot of peace of mind to know it could rain cats and dogs on our wedding day and all our festivities would be safe. Luckily, it was sunny.
I grew up Catholic but am now part of the Episcopal (Anglican) church. while Catholics have to be marrie don consecrated ground (ie, in a church) I’m pretty sure Episcopalians do not. I’ve aprticipated in a few outdoor ceremonies, so unless my specific church is a one-off, I think you might be ok!
That said, it’s good that you’re doing what you feel comfortable with. If neither of you strongly identify with a specific church, then your family can respect your wishes to get married as you see fit! It’ll be lovely in the gardens of the lovely house in Columbia. Hang in there!
I am Catholic & have to admit that it does kind of bother me that we aren’t going to be married in the Church. We talked it over many, many times and I am much more comforatble with our decision now. Especially once we decided to get married in Jamaica Now, I can’t wait to be married outside. It definitely makes me feel close to God.
Great post, D’orsay!
Just a quick correction–the Catholic Church will recognize your marriage even if you don’t follow the form (i.e., get married in an actual Catholic church). But you’re right, as a Catholic, you are supposed to get married according to the form, because marriage is a sacrament, and sacraments almost* always happen in a church.
Even though you won’t have the ceremony in a church, it sounds like you would like to have the Church involved (at least a little) in your marriage. You might be able to have a priest concelebrate your marriage with your chosen officiant–talk to your local parish priest. And please tell him what you shared with us here; I think that will help him to understand where you’re coming from. I think you’ll be surprised at how good most priests are at being able and willing to meet you where you are. Best wishes!
*For example, in a pinch, baptisms can be performed elsewhere. 
And unscheduled sacraments like the sacrament of the sick obviously don’t often occur in a church!
im a catholic and im going to have the most catholic wedding you ever saw lol! Yeah I would love to get married outside on the beach (i actually dont like beaches but the thought is nice) but I don’t know proceeding to the altar with ave maria in the background on an organ and in a cathedral and having a full on mass sounds way better to me. but the beach thing = no shoes. oh well
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Mrs. D'orsay, Baltimore/Lancaster UK
Age and Occupation: 24, Stay at home fiance (formerly in nonprofit communications)
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Web site developer and designer; co-owner of men's skincare shop
Engagement Date: August 10, 2008
Wedding Date: August, 2009
Venue: Oakland Manor
About Me: I'm a Maryland raised environmental policy wonk/activist/organizer and communications aficionado. In the past year I've lived in Baltimore, MD, Tucson, AZ, Miami, FL and Lancaster, England. In my not so spare time I enjoy planning trips with Mr. D' Orsay, visiting friends and family and crafting like a mo-fo. I also enjoy modern dance classes, rugby and soccer but have been banned by my mother, MOHs, and Mr. D' Orsay from playing till after the wedding. I have an unnatural addiction to cheese and shoes, but love Mr. D' Orsay more than either and can't wait to become Mrs. D' Orsay!
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