Wedding Blog
Mr. HC and I figured out this weekend that we are idiots. Morons. Stooopid.
This Sunday, FFIL HC called and said, in a voice reserved for things of unusual importance, “It’s daylight savings.” Mr. HC replied, “Yeah… we know.” After a few rounds of this, FFIL HC notified us (in a tone he probably only reserves for patients of his who are dying… of stupidity) that sunset on our wedding day is 7:10 pm, not 6:10 as we expected.
Holy $#&*!
We’re having a Jewish wedding, which is not supposed to take place until after shabbat ends — shortly after sunset. When we were planning our ceremony and before we sent out our invitations, we looked on a number of websites, including the Naval Observatory and various Jewish calendar sites, to figure out when sunset was going to take place on our wedding day. 6:10 they all said. We put 6:30 on our invitations.
Well, they must have all meant 6:10 Pacific Standard Time, not Pacific Daylight Time. D’oh.
Mr. HC’s reaction to this news: panic. My reaction: laughter. Maniacal laughter.
We worked so hard on the timing of the event, since we had to deal with the Chinese almanac, which says that 7 PM on the day of our wedding is an inauspicious hour, as well as with the demands of the Jewish calendar, which requires that all legal transactions, including weddings, be deferred until after the end of shabbat.
The absurdity of this situation is heightened by the fact that we verified the timing of our wedding with our rabbi, our observant Jewish friends, including our Orthodox Jewish groomsman, and the hotel. None of us realized that daylight savings would have started before our wedding, and that sunset would be an hour later.
So, here we are, three weeks before our wedding, with two options, neither of which are great: either make no change at all (and risk offending our more observant friends and feeling guilty for breaking shabbat), or switch the ceremony with the cocktail hour, such that the ceremony would begin after cocktails.
Here are some pros and cons of switching the ceremony time:
Pros:
Cons:
Right now, I’m leaning toward just keeping things the way they are. It’s a mere 3 weeks before the wedding, and I am anxious about making such a big change. But the idea of breaking shabbat, especially on an occasion as important as our wedding, is also making me anxious.
Sigh.
What would you do? And has anything happened during the course of your wedding planning to make you feel like you’re the dimmest bulb in the pack?
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Wow! I give you a lot of credit for trying so hard to follow the religious and cultural rules. I hope you are able to find the middle ground without stressing yourself out too much.
I commend you for trying to fit all the customs and rules into your Chewish wedding. But I think that leaving the time at 6:30 would be best due to the fact that your only 3 WEEKS out, and you can’t do it at 7. Maybe you can put up a small explanation on your website or on the tables as to why you broke the Sabbat rule. I think that the family would understand that Daylight savings messed everything up, cuz I would have not thought twice about it either, and if even the rabbi didn’t say anything you should be ok. I”m still feeling the effects of Daylight Savings.
Hope you don’t stress too much, this is the time to be super excited 
Hmmm… I hate that you are stressing so close to the wedding!! =(
I am not familiar with the Jewish traditions, so I hate to say anything that could be taken offensive… so bear with me!!
Have you discussed this with other family members, is the something that would “Curse” your marriage or offend all in attendance?
Also… if sunset is 7:10 there is a good possibility that it could happen at least a few minutes sooner (or at least been darkening by 7ish)
I would hate for you to have to uproot your whole wedding plans for a few minutes…
I would keep the ceremony at 630 and push it as late as possible like 645 or so.. everyone excepts the bride to be running behind at least a few minutes, right??
Thats just my opinion.. but again, I know nothing about Jewish traditions…
Yikesies! I applaud you for being able to laugh about such a stressful situation!
I’m with you though, I’d keep it the same.
I’m sure everyone will realize your mistake (an easy one to make).
Dang time change! My phone at work still hasn’t sprung forward yet, which makes the day d-r-a-g…
I agree with previous comments, that family and friends ought to be understanding of this small error (an hour, seriously!) in the planning. I say keep as is, since you so carefully ordered the day already!
Honestly, i think God would forgive you! Just keep it as it is.. you had the best of intentions.
If you can afford the extra draping go for it, if not.. no big deal.. No one will know that it is different than it was supposed to be!
Will your families be ok with it staying at the same time? if so, then no worries… your observant friends shouldn’t judge anyway, if they are living a good jewish life, right?
You are such a super star. I got stressed out just reading the pros and cons — that you actually intelligently considered them deserves a mani-pedi on Mr. Hot C. If it were me, I would just leave it. My FH and I are observing yihud after the wedding and, I too, am looking forward to that the most. I would want to keep that part too. I’m excited to hear your comprimise.
Oh gosh - how frustrating! I suppose you wouldn’t be able to convince your mother to operate on a 24 hour clock? Because then 7 would be 19, and it really is the 19th hour of the day not the 7th hour right? I suppose I’m not much help, but I think you’re amazing for taking it all in stride no matter what you choose to do.
My gosh, what a nightmare! I feel so bad for you having to worry about these issues at all, let alone so close to the wedding.
I’m with lilcfitness … keep everything as it is, but try to be as ‘late’ as possible (and of course, let your venue know the plan). I think changing the time would cause too much confusion for your guests, and moving the order around might cause even more questions than having the ceremony too early.
I don’t know too much about shabbat, but how dark does it actually have to be? Like lilcfitness said, if the official sunset is at 7:10, then is must be getting pretty dark by 6:45. Hopefully if you start then, then your Jewish guests wont notice that it is not dark enough, and your Chinese guests wont notice that it turns 7pm during the ceremony (as long as it’s not 7pm on the invitations, you’re ok, right? They can’t expect you to just stop everything when it gets to 7pm can they?)
Yikes, that is a tough one. I think the best thing would be to leave it as is, as well. I can’t imagine having to skip your cocktail reception!
Hope you find the perfect solution!
One other thing - if you were concerned about how dark it will be at 6:30, why don’t you find out what time sunset is now, and take a look outside 40 minutes before … would you be comfortable getting married at that time?
Wow this is really tough. I’m not quite sure what I would do! I agree though I think leaving things the way they are is best (?)… Daylight savings.. very very understandable … GOod luck!
Luckily, People generally assume that weddings wont start on time. If you start the ceremony around 5 or 10 after 7, I think you would be fine.
I think the only thing that would keep me from switching the cocktail hour and the ceremony would be the whole 7:00 thing. Can the ceremony start at 6:59? I think you could still do the Yihud after the ceremony even if you switched…perhaps on the back page of the program you could explain the tradition so people know where you went and not to expect you in the reception for at least 11 minutes.
So I’m an orthodox Jew, and here’s my suggestion.
Traditionally, Orthodox weddings have a “kabbalat panim” and “chattan’s tisch” before the ceremony. It isn’t really a cocktail hour. Here’s what happens:
Men/groom’s side hang out with the groom, in the “chattan’s tisch,” they drink a little, they sing silly songs, and basically psych up the groom.
Meanwhile the bride sits in a chair, surrounded by her bridal party and mother and mother-in-law, while people come up to her, tell her she’s beautiful, ask for blessings (as the wedding day is very holy, and the couple have a closer connection to G-d than in any other time of their life), and say nice things.
From there the guests file into the ceremony space, and the ceremony goes as planned.
I would NOT suggest having the wedding early, as while G-d might forgive you, your wedding would not be valid according to Jewish law, which creates all sorts of other problems.
I forgot to mention that these happen in different rooms, so the groom and groom’s side still doesn’t see the dress before the wedding.
I think you should start the ceremony after 7, so you won’t feel guilty for breaking the shabbat in this special occasion… the ceremony (at least for me) is the most important part of all the wedding thing, when you make a commitment of love in a moment especially dedicated to God… Don’t worry for decorations or cocktail hours (which are often lost with all the wedding rush) and take your time for Yihud and even if you make your ballroom entrance a little late, I believe your guests won’t mind!
I married my Jewish boy two weeks ago and though I did not convert, we had an Inter-Faith Rabbi who did married us before sunset. Since that is not an option for you, I would recommend having the cocktail hour first before your ceremony. That is what we did and my non-Jewish relatives and his Jewish relatives L-O-V-E-D it. (Actually, his Jewish relatives expected the cocktail hour first since that is relatively common at Jewish weddings). True, I did not go down to mingle with the crowd since I wanted my grand entrance at the ceremony to remain grand but my Wedding Coordinator brought me up our yummy munchies and a glass of champagne and it was all good. PLUS we did have some late-comers who rushed in only to find they were NOT late after all….to the ceremony….they were fashionably late to the cocktail hour. They had a drink and calmed down and that was all good too! No stress Miss Hot Cocoa! It will work out. =)
Wow, HC, how terrible! 
Daylight savings time is the bane of my existence also. Kudos to you for handling something like that so well!
I think you should talk to your rabbi, one or two of your observant Jewish friends, including your Orthodox Jewish groomsman to see what they think since it they all confirmed the time in the first place. I think if you mention your timing situation they woud be able to help you out. Also I loved Miss D’orsay comment about the time really being the 19th hour of the day, not the 7th. I’m sorry this all happend to you three weeks before the big day but I think you will be able to get it all worked out. Good Luck
Ahh HC!! And I was complaining that I was tired because of the time change. Could you do the cocktail hour early and start the ceremony at 6:45? Or even 7:15?
Oh No, Miss HC, I’m so sorry I wish I had words of wisdom… I would say start the ceremony later, once your guest know why you switched I’m sure they will understand
Oh My what a difficult decision to make! I think trying to push the ceremony to as late as possible is maybe the best idea, too bad cocktail hour would be cut short, but at least you will have tried.
Good luck!
By the way, i didn’t mean to be disrespectful in any way by suggesting that “God would forgive you”. I just feel that you have put so much effort into doing it all the right way, and this mishap shouldn’t cause you to have to panic and change everything around, and that God would understand.
I would probably have everyone wait 40 minutes, claiming some sort of bridal emergency, and start the ceremony at a time that’s appropriate to shabbat because that’s what the majority of your guests might notice. Mom doesn’t have to be happy, unless you’re worried about the 7:00 hour thing. But that’s just how I would handle it.
ALSO, regardless of what you choose, you can tell a few people the issues and ask them to act as plants at the wedding, telling everyone about the mix-up so they’ll be understanding.
I feel your dilemma and recently attended a Sunday wedding that was called for 5pm but when we arrived the ceremony site hadn’t been fully set up yet. Instead we were shepherded to the lobby of the hotel for champagne and drinks (no appetizers) for 40 minutes or so before making it back out to the ceremony site. The ceremony was then followed by a true cocktail hour with appetizers, etc. (and the bride and groom took their yichud at that point, as planned). I wasn’t clear if there was a mistake in the wedding timing or if the hotel messed up the set up, but none of the guests minded the additional mingling time. I suggest you delay your ceremony to 7:10 but don’t switch things per se, just add an additional mingling time at the beginning with just wine/champagne. Besides, depending on how observant your rabbi is, he/she may not even officiate before sundown. Hope this helps. Btw, my brother got married at your venue and it was lovely.
Boy. I’m not Jewish but I would be really reluctant to mess with the after shabbat issue. Sounds like something that would resonate through the marriage for years.
Thank you for all of your support and advice, everyone! Right now, I’m leaning toward not switching, but just delaying starting the processional until 6:45. We’ll have waiters passing non-alcoholic drinks around at that time, so it should at least be bearable. And then I’m going to ask our rabbi whether we can sign our ketubah (the real legal part of the transaction) after 7:10.
@Becky: I love the tradition of the tisch and kabbalat panim. We’ve fused ours with a more Chinese tradition of “groom’s games,” which are not exactly the same as the tisch, but also involves heckling the groom and making him do difficult tasks. We’ll follow that up with the bedecken.
@rhodeygirl: No offense taken at all! I really appreciated your comment and support.
Sorry to chime in so late here HC. But I think you have a great solution!! Don’t over think this. As long as your Rabbi is ok with everything- you’ll be fine.
We are also doing Yihid!
Oh no, and here I was complaining about having to wait an extra hour for dinner. I think your solution sounds good - see what the rabbi says.
I think your solution is great, I really hope this works for you…I’m sure you don’t need anything else to stress over
I wouldn’t switch the time either, but I’m not particularly religious. If your observant friends won’t be able to make it either way, I can’t see switching the time to avoid upsetting them.
@Miss Hot Cocoa: You should definitely be OK if you delay the processional and sign the ketubah in private (with two witnesses!) right before yichud.
Just make sure that you can accept an unsigned ketubah during erusin and you should be fine.
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Mrs. Hot Cocoa, Boston/Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 31, JD/PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, Medical Student
Engagement Date: May 30, 2008
Wedding Date: March, 2009
Blogging Since: April, 2008
Venue: Ritz Carlton, Marina Del Rey
About Me:
I am a professional student by day and an amateur cupcake taster, bargain shopper, and wedding planner by night. I am obsessed with NPR, the Food Network, paper, dance shows, Anthropologie, post-structuralist theory, Weddingbee!, "The Office," and celebrity gossip. When not procrastinating from my dissertation, I spend time catering to Jellyby, our overly anxious shih tzu, and getting to know Mr. Hot Cocoa. We have only been dating for fifteen years, so it's like I'm in love with a stranger! From the East Coast, we are planning a Jewish-Chinese Extravaganza in L.A., where we both grew up.
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