Wedding Blog
Well, folks. It was inevitable. Plans have been coming together too easily. Things were falling into place too neatly. It was only a matter of time until something major happened, and that time was this past Thursday.
On that fateful day, I was in the local drugstore, shopping for soap, when I got a call from the pastor who I had asked last May to perform our ceremony. Since I had been trying to get in touch with him about beginning our premarital counseling, I thought he was calling to set up our first session.
Boy was I wrong.
Instead of a warm, fuzzy discussion of beginning our marriage counseling, it was a cold, prickly talk about how the pastor could no longer commit himself to performing our wedding ceremony.
Um, what?!
He basically told me that it has been too difficult to get together with us to start our counseling (even though I’ve basically been incessantly trying to contact him since January with no response), and he doesn’t feel comfortable marrying us. He told me that while he thinks I am a wonderful person, he likes to get to know his couples really well, and he doesn’t think that can happen at this point.
I immediately felt myself tearing up, so I thanked him for his honesty and hung up the phone as quickly as possible. There’s nothing worse than crying on the phone. So there I was, standing in front of the soap display in a drugstore, trying to hold in the tears but not really succeeding. I felt like a pariah: rejected, and completely disappointed.
There are four months until our wedding, and we have no pastor.
I mean, does this happen? I have never heard of a pastor backing out - the officiant is basically the most important person in the wedding ceremony. Legally marrying each other is the whole point!
And beyond that, I have wanted this pastor to perform our wedding ceremony for a long time. Ever since I met him, really. So it is heartbreaking to me to have to let go of that dream, and to accept the fact that someone I don’t know is going to be marrying me to my love.
After a terrible two days of crying, feeling incredibly angry, and trying to consider our options, we have found another pastor. He is nice, and has graciously volunteered to perform our ceremony and give us premarital counseling. He is someone who we can hopefully count on.
I know this is just a bump in the road, but it was a really huge, humiliating disappointment.
Have you hit a major roadblock in your journey to the altar? How did you handle it?
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Share this post: A Crisis of Faith
I’ve heard of this happening in Catholic churches, but without any warning from the priest until the day before the wedding: the couple shows up for the rehearsal and surprise! their priest was called away, and here’s a substitute.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this disappointment, but I’m so glad you’re going to be married by somebody who is excited to do this for you instead of somebody who wasn’t that invested in you guys as a couple.
That’s a stressful experience Miss Powder Puff! As you said, the most important part of your day is marrying your love. While it is disappointing the pastor has changed, the reason for your wedding has not.
That kind of sucks, but you know what — not really that big of a deal. Besides, better that you not be married by someone who has all these issues anyway!
Poor Miss Powder Puff! That’s so stressful and disappointing. I know things will work out and your new officiant will still get you legally married, but what an awful call to receive.
I just hit my own roadblock — my invitations designer, who I was so excited to work with, has fallen off the face of the earth, taking with her a fairly large chunk of my money! I’m still hoping things work out with her, but I’ve been surfing invitations websites trying to figure out how fast I can rush-order replacements if that becomes necessary 
EEK! I have been increasingly anxious about finding someone to agree to marry us, but it had never occurred to me that they might back out.
I’m glad you found a replacement. I think it speaks volumes about your new officiant that they are making the time to do counseling and include the things you find important, even on a shorter-than-normal timetable!
@MelissaB: Oh no! That’s horribel! 
I hope everything works out for you.
I feel your pain, we recently had our Reverend back out of doing our ceremony. We are an inter-faith couple and he decided that he could not perform our ceremony without compromising his integrity. Although I understood, he is a family friend and I as really hoping he could be involved.
We had to find someone else too.
Hopefully in the next four months you can come to terms with what happened and create a relationship with your new pastor.
Good luck.
I’m so sorry! I really hope in the next four months you grow to love this pastor just as much!
My fiancee and I found out two weeks ago that our venue was closing! There were a few days of crying for me as well!
I pulled myself together recently and really feel like it’s for the best now!
I had this happen the first time I got married. Gosh I hope the situation doesn’t repeat itself.
Oh my gosh! That sucks. I would not have been nearly as gracious as you. I probably would have done/said something to jeopardize my immortal soul!
I’m glad you found a new pastor.
That’s horrible. I definitely would have tried to get some closure on that situation; it doesn’t seem like he was being completely honest.
It’ll be a blessing in disguise, just wait and see!
Wow, that’s insane! I have never heard of this happening. I would have been completely crushed were I in your shoes. I’m so glad you found a replacement pastor; like the other girls said, it’s probably a blessing in disguise.
@Jo: I agree. If he wasn’t happy about performing our ceremony, then this is definitely a good thing. And I also think that the excuse he gave me was just that- an excuse.
Oh, Miss Powder Puff, I feel your pain. We had an officiant back out on us (a family member, no less) and just now, 4.5 months till the wedding, found a replacement. I hope you can a replacement you’re happy with, and someone who’s EXCITED to perform your wedding!! Good luck 
I have been very nervous about this situation because FI and I are having a DW, so the man marrying us CAN’T have pre-marital counseling and won’t get to know us beforehand. I’m hoping he doesn’t back out too…
PS-That pastor is kind of a coward. Why can’t people just state the real reasons for doing something, instead of blaming you? You’re right…just an excuse!
I’m so sorry Miss Powder Puff! That really sucks and is totally uncool for your pastor to not be upfront.
We actually had something really similar happen during our wedding, but our priest had to cancel on us 4 DAYS before the wedding…talk about us being stressed! He had a good reason, though, his mom was dying on the east coast so he wanted to be with her during her last moments. He helped us find a new last minute priest and we were surprised to meet a great new one on our wedding day.
Wow, that is horrible. I wonder if he has any hidden reasons. Why would he wait at this point to say something? I would be inclined to complain. I hope all works out with your new pastor.
Our priest recently backed out on us too. So that he could go to a weekend retreat!!! I was really set on this priest too and was quite upset for a long time that he wouldn’t be able to do our wedding. I really liked him. I even thought about switching our wedding to a completely different church I was so mad. But we just decided to go with a different priest at our church. I still don’t feel that great about it. The new priest is from Africa, has never done an actual wedding here in the states, and his English is hard to understand. Oh well, guess it doesn’t matter that much. We will still get married in God’s church.
We had a similar situation except our pastor all out ditched, didn’t even give us the courtesy of a ” i can’t perform it ” We had emailed and talked by phone a million times about the wedding, timing, type of ceremony EVERYTHING.. he claimed to have mailed us a contract and when we never got it we called, he said it was returned he had put the wrong address and he would be sending it back right away.. 2 weeks went by we got nothing so i emailed and he said simply ” we are still on, will mail shortly “… well a month later as we began to move into our first house we still had not received anything upon attempting to call and email still received nothing… Luckily for us we had 7 months to find someone new :]!
Miss Powder Puff, I’m so sorry to hear this! If it makes you feel any better, we had a similar drama with our officiant. We booked everything immediately after our engagement and a couple of weeks later, the church secretary called us to say that all of their pastors would be at a state-wide conference on the weekend of our wedding. Then she said that we could have a retired pastor perform our ceremony and keep our date, which of course, we wanted to do. Then MONTHS later, the same secretary contacted us to say that the pastor had changed her mind, and no longer “felt comfortable” about allowing the retired pastor to marry us. At that point, we were still 8 months away from the wedding, but all major elements were booked. As a result of that conference, all the churches in that denomination were unavailable for our date. Finally, after much drama, we decided to forgo the church wedding and are getting married at our reception venue. A friend who got ordained to perform another wedding will be performing our ceremony. The whole thing was really stressful, but I think it worked out for the best in the end. Now the person marrying us really knows us and will work with us to make sure that the ceremony truly reflects US.
I am so sorry! No offense, but your pastor sounds flaky! We hired our officiant with a contract since neither my fiance or I are religious. We had friends who had a similar situation…they got married at the courthouse the week before the wedding (so that it was legal) and had a close family friend lead the ceremony at their wedding. It was so beautiful to have someone who knew them so well perform the ceremony!
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that! I can’t believe he would do that when you had been trying to contact him! I hope everything works out for you!
That is terrible. I am so sorry. I have only heard of a pastor refusing to marry a couple after pre-marital counseling had started. They though the couple was not ready for marriage. Your pastor didn’t even start counseling with you, so how could he decide against it? I am glad you were able to find someone else.
Oh, I’m so sorry about your pastor problem, and glad to hear you quickly resolved it!
What an awful position to be put into! But I am glad you found someone else you are comfortable with. It’s good that this happened four months before thse ceremony and not four weeks before - sometimes things like this work out for the best of everyone involved ;/
This EXACT thing happened with me, except the pastor was also my aunt and godmother! Talk about rejection. I had asked her to perform the ceremony thinking that she’d be offended otherwise. Turns out, not so much. But why couldn’t she have just told us that when we first asked? Or told me herself instead of working through my parents? Why’d she string us along for months?
We ended up booking an interdenominational minister who was pretty good, but not great. (She let us write the entire ceremony ourselves, which was awesome, but then read the first draft instead of the final one!).
I am sorry to hear about this–SO strange! I had my undies all in a bunch because we aren’t allowed to have a mass (just a ceremony) due to “disparity of cult.” (Tell me, which is the cult-Catholicism or ?) I am lucky that there are really only 2 priests at my church–the pastor who is marrying us & another. I could care less which of the 2 (although I probably know the other better) does the job. I cannot see them pulling this–not very Christ-like is it? Hmmm. Were you an active member of your church? I mean did you know this pastor well? Because that makes it all the stranger. It will be a better situation to get to know this guy who WANTS to marry you. Good luck. Still think this is SO bizarre though-never heard of anything like it.
So sorry to hear that and YES I know how you feel. 21days till we leave for our DW and the church/pastor are MIA. I’m really hoping something bad hasn’t happened to him alternating with very bad thoughts of wishing something does happen to him for stressing me out soooo.
I’ve called, emailed, faxed, hired a planner to go to the church physically (3x) and I still have no contact!
I told the planner to find another Church if they haven’t contacted us by Wedensday. It is great news to hear that you already have the replacement handled! Congrats on that!
I am continually amazed by the limitations and rules that religious institutions keeps layering onto couples that want to married in their faith. My church is charging us $1500 to get married there, plus making us jump through hoops like taking a test and meeting with a psychologist- all before even confirming a date with the priest! If my priest backed out on top of all that…well, I’d probably bail on getting married in a church at all. I’m glad you found someone that you can rely on (hopefully).
Hi there- You may want to consider a Unitarian Universalist minister- I’m using one and I’ve had a few girlfriends end up minister-less due to interfaith issues who have gotten a Unitarian Universalist to pinch hit with pleasure:-) Good luck!
Oh Miss Powder Puff, it’s even worse that you were in public when he called
On a brighter note, he sounds very unreliable, so better to find out now then 2 days before the wedding.
And you and Mr. Powder Puff are the most important people at the wedding, so as long as you’re both there everything will work out
I’m sorry you had to deal with that, Miss PP! He seems fickle and it may be a blessing in disguise that you’ve parted ways.
“There are four months until our wedding, and we have no pastor.”
Today is 3 weeks from our wedding day and our rabbi seems like he’s flaking out. We’re meeting with him tonight to confirm he’ll be there but he seems to have put on a full-on search to find us a different rabbi. (Our wedding is a destination wedding so the new rabbi would have to fly there, etc.). We’re worried but confident things will work out. You’ve got lots of time, you’ll figure it all out.
Was so sad to read this post. I know its really hard when something you have been planning on and visualizing as part of your day doesn’t work out, especially when you’ve put so much effort into it. We had booked our dream venue, taking the only date that was available, booking our other vendors around it and putting down the deposits for all, only to have the venue send us a letter 2 months after booking saying they were going to be under construction, but not to worry it wouldn’t affect our event. We realized that that was a giant lie and were extremely disappointed that they had not been upfront when they booked us and allowed us to plan our wedding around a date they never should have given us. As a result we had to scramble to find a venue that was available (not easy when looking for a specific Chicago summer date with less than a year to go) and would take all of the vendors we had already lined up. In the end, I am super excited about our new venue and what we are doing and know that its going to turn out great, but boy did we feel burned.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! I can’t believe this happened to you! Wow! It seems like the last thing that the pastor would ever do. You probably are better off and I bet you’ll find an even better replacement in no time!
Miss Powder Puff, like everyone else who has already commented, I am SO sorry that this has happened to you. I don’t have a similar experience to share with you to help you have hope that all will work out, but I can say with 100% confidence that things work out the way that they do for a reason.
I hope that this new pastor will bring something to your very special day that the other pastor was not going to be able to give to you. Which will make all of the stress and emotional turmoil that you’re experiencing now worth it in the end.
Keep your chin up and we’ll all think happy thoughts for you!
I’m so sorry Miss PP But I’m happy to hear you have found someone else
I was hoping to use the Presbyterian church across the street for my venue, and b/c it is a very large church I assumed they may not have a problem letting another pastor w/o an official sanctuary officiate. When I spoke to them they were very rude and let me know that they don’t even do weddings for non members. As a very active member of my church an hour away I was really put off by there exclusion. We’re now doing everything at our reception venue
Miss Powder Puff… I’m so sorry that this happened… but the silver lining is finding someone new and someone actually willing to do it now rather than having to deal with the situation sooner to the wedding date.
You and the Mr. deserve the best… and the first pastor was not going to cut it considering his actions. You’ll be much better off now
I am so sorry! I’m glad you found a replacement so fast but still- that’s terrible… I hope everything else goes smoothly for you.
I’m sorry you were let down after being strung along by your pastor for 10 months thinking it was a done-deal.
I’m going to make some assumptions. If you and your fiance are both baptized Christians, then your Marriage will be a Sacrament [regardless of whether-or-not you are Catholic.]
Surprised? It’s even deeper than that. Go to Mary’s Advocates web pages and check out the links and the True Marriage Proclamation.
Before Galileo folks didn’t know that the earth revolved around the sun. That didn’t stop it from doing so nor did it start to do so when Galileo discovered it.
Two Christians baptized = Sacramental Marriage [same logic.]
…by the way: The pastor and the witnesses are just that. Christian spouses administer the Sacrament to each other by their consent!
The State insists upon issuing its own piece of paper called a Marriage license but Marriage dates back to Adam and Eve. So actually: The Pastor is acting as a J.P. too [for the State!]
Blessings to you both on Your special Day!
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Mrs. Powder Puff, Chicago
Age and Occupation: 25, Preschool Teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Career Services
Engagement Date: May, 2008
Wedding Date: July, 2009
Blogging Since: November 12, 2008
Venue: Outdoor ceremony, banquet hall reception
About Me: I am your typical Midwestern girl attempting to plan a sane, budget-friendly, fun wedding to the man of my dreams. I love shoes, laughing at “Platinum Weddings”, crafts, inspiration boards, candy, and basically anything I can DIY. While weddings can certainly be all-consuming, I honestly can’t wait until the ceremony is over and I can finally call Mr. Powder Puff my husband!
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