Wedding Blog
I’ve been very honest and direct about a) my cheapness (which I prefer to call financial efficiency), b) my desire to keep our wedding from turning into an “event”, and c) the tininess (extremeness?) of our budget. What I haven’t been up front about is whether or not that tiny budget is really by necessity.
In terms of salaries, we do pretty well. In fact, together we make more than our parents, most of our friends, and most people in general. Now, don’t get me wrong, we aren’t rich (by either political party’s definition!), but we do pretty well.
Do you think our tiny budget is less charming and more tightwad now? I sometimes wonder if we have some unspoken obligation to our friends and family to spend more on our wedding. It’s one thing to ask people for help in lieu of hiring a vendor because that’s your only option; it’s another to do it because you just don’t want to spend the money on something you can collectively do yourselves.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we don’t have piles of cash laying around or anything.
Our expenses are pretty significant at this point — two houses both under renovation suck up the bucks, let me tell you. We’re also remedying a bit of debt we were carrying on credit cards and paying vet bills. So while our incomes are good, our net worth isn’t that great.
In the end, though, expenses are a choice and income is a blessing.
Do we have an obligation or expectation to spend more because we can?
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Share this post: Let’s Talk About Budgets Again
Absolutely not! You spend what you want to spend and that’s always the case, whether we’re talking about shoes, cameras or weddings. Living up to others’ expectations is what keeps us in debt. Spend what you want and ONLY what YOU want.
I don’t think so! Why should you go (further) into debt for one day. People who focus on how much you spent (or how much they think you should’ve spent) instead of how much you love each other and want everyone to know (hence the reason of a ‘public’ wedding) are crazy, and plain wrong.
I feel obligated to use all the money my dad decided to give us, because it’s available. And even though it’s not that much, I’m still having trouble justifying spending it all. I know I could have done our wedding just as nice for cheaper, had less money been available to me.
In the end, you should spend what’s right for you–whether or not people think you could/should pay more! Good for you for doing just that.
Absolutely not! I truly believe it’s completely up to each couple to decide how much they want to spend and I doubt most people would question that.
Your family and friends will enjoy being there with you on your day despite the $$$’s dropped!
This is a very interesting question! We do not love spending money on depreciable goods, so we are tightwads in that respect. We also try to be fiscally efficient and carry no credit card debt. Since we are paying for the wedding ourselves, it has been a matter of belt-tightening and compromising. I do indeed want a special-event wedding, but not a platinum one! And we hope to have a happy medium between total diy (if I had the skills, I would really consider it) and extravagant blow-out. At the end of the day, our main goal is to pay cash for everything and not to incur any wedding debt. That’s a long winded way of saying I hear you!
Your only obligation is to spend whatever you are comfortable with. No one says that a wedding has to break the bank. As long as you are happy with the choices you make (financial or otherwise), you don’t need to worry about anything else.
Okay, you sound like you feel a bit guilty. And the vagueness is a bit confusing. What may be a microscopic budget to me may be an enormous budget to another.
The economic hard times are here so nobody should feel offended by you not wanting to spend an excess amount on your wedding.
However, people are not obligated to help you on your wedding. They may help because they want to contribute and do something special for you. Just as you are not obligated to spend a fortune on them but you may because you want to include them in this special time and make them excited to be a part of your big day.
I do not want my wedding to feel cheap and I don’t want to look cheap as a person. I think that you know if you are being cheap or if you are just being budget constrained. There is a huge difference in being a tightwad and being thrifty.
Thrifty people look for the best deal they can without sacrificing quality. Cheap people let the dollar dictate them without considerations for quality.
Spend what you guys want for YOU…and don’t worry about the rest! Whose wedding is it anyway?! 
I would have to think you’re in a financially stable position right now because you’ve been a practical spender your entire life. My fiance and I are in a similar situation, and I keep saying I owe it to people to NOT spend a lot of money because that just perpetuates the expectation that weddings are supposed to = circuses. If your wedding is centered around your relationship, your friends and your families, I think that’s the only thing that matters.
The only time I would think that the couple has an “obligation” to spend more is if they are super demanding of their guests but make it pretty obvious that they don’t give a crap about their guests. If the bride is wearing a $5k dress, has registered up the wazoo for only super expensive things and also outright asked for cash, and/or asked for all her guests to fly to a super expensive destination wedding and made them all feel bad for not being better about saving up and planning ahead when they couldn’t attend, then a punch and cake reception just comes off as cheap. Maybe it’s just me but that kind of stuff always rubs me the wrong way! I personally chose to save a few thousand dollars on my dress so I could feed my guests more food.
Hell. No.
You already have debt (which you are responsibly paying off, thank God). You do not need to increase this to begin your marriage (financial troubles are a huge cause of fights your first year of marriage; why make that worse?). You also do not need to contribute to the WIC, you do not need to try to have the wedding of the year (it’s not a contest), and you do not OWE these people anything. You are getting married. You wouldn’t be mad at them if they brought you a smaller present than they could “theoretically” afford, right? No. The economy is tough, and everyone should be careful. Don’t feel bad. I think all guests should expect is to see your love and feel the joy. If they get candy, too, then awesome.
@laural: Hi, Laural. I like your response… it’s well-balanced, and yes, you’re right that I feel guilty. Also, I guess I shouldn’t assume that everyone reads my posts! So far, we’re at about three grand — which drives me nuts, as that’s a really expensive party, though it’s a super-inexpensive wedding.
My point was that while we may SAY that it’s up to the couple, I think that there is an expectation about money spent on weddings from the guest’s perspective. If I live in a 10 bedroom home (I don’t!), then you’ll likely expect something more luxe than if I live in a tiny apartment.
I like maizybug’s comment!
Heck no!
You should NEVER be obligated to spend money! You’re the host, it’s your party! I think you’re being smart (especially in this economy). Ask for all the help you can get!
@Miss Perfume: We didn’t either, then the dogs had to be rushed to a veterinary hospital’s intensive care unit. It’s the only time I’ve ever smiled while handing over a credit card!
I think you should spend what you are comfortable spending. The point is you are sharing this great moment with your friends and family. It shouldn’t matter whether you spend $5 or $15000.
No way! The wedding is meant to represent you adn what you think it should be. Some people will spend 100K, others will spend 5K or less… and its not all based on what resources they have. Some people go into deep debt for it, and others put money towards it, but not a life savings.
I believe in being fiscally efficient as well - HOWEVER, I do think you have to be careful about how much you ask your guests to do. Ultimately you want them to have a good time and if they’re too busy tying bouquets/dj-ing/bartending/decorating, then what’s the point?
A host is a host is a host - wedding, dinner party or otherwise.
I like the comment about spending less on say your dress, or things that affect you - and spend more on things that affect your guests - like alcohol and food.
I think it’s not your guests’ business how much you spend… and it shouldn’t matter, either! You’re doing what you see is best (and smart, at that), which is all that matters! You can have an equally charming less-spendy wedding as you can if you spend tons. Keep your vision in mind and stick to it!
laural i totally disagree with you. Historically, wedding were all about the gifts. In fact, the guests brought the food and silverware! In our current culture, weddings are about showing everyone a good time, but they used to be about setting the new couple up…which is why people gave you sheets and towels and dishes. My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. We set a budget that was comfortable for us and we’re not spending more because of the distance people have traveled or our incomes. The wedding will be elegant and beautiful (fingers crossed!) but certainly not spectacular. If people are expecting a platinum wedding they should offer to contribute to the cost. Like Peggy Sue stated, if I’m not upset that you gave me salt and pepper shakers why are you upset that where not serving surf n turf?
@Yasabba: Yes, that’s a very good point. In that vein, we are using a caterer (which is only “giving in” in my own crazy head) because we don’t want our people to be dealing with that. On the other hand, my MOH and I are baking the cakes two days before, and I will ask the moms to set them up for us. It’s a balance, I agree.
@Miss Cheese: Your furbabies are not depreciable goods!! The vet bill was a necessary cost and well-spent! I’d do the same!!
@Miss Perfume: Heh, heh. I don’t know. The older the puppy gets, the less he’s worth on the open market. KIDDING. I’M KIDDING.
Silly dogs, I love them so… which saves their hides on a daily basis. Like when I caught the big one ON THE BED EATING CAT FOOD. I think he was grabbing mouthfuls from the cat room and then pretending he was just hanging out (”Just chilling here, not doing anything wrong, Mom”) and crunching away.
No. I think you should to spend what you are comfortable spending. I think its also important to keep in mind that the quality of something is not based on the expense it costs. I think if we were having a smaller wedding, I would involve more friends/family/guests in our planning and preparation process (with 200-250 guests I think it would be a bit overwhelming). By including your friends and family in your wedding preperation, you are creating memories that you will always be able to look back on.
I think the only thing that people expect (especially these days) is for couples to spend what they are comfortable with. This number is totally unique to each couple. And, it’s not like you’re going to leave price tags on things and invoices posted. Depending on how you do it, people will have no clue what you really spent. Don’t beat yourself up!
I think being true to yourself and staying comfortable with your spending is smart, self-respecting, and helps keep the focus on the marriage and not the party. And actually, with the economy in shambles and so many people losing their jobs, I think its tacky to go too overboard. Especially if you have to go into debt to do it. I think as long as you feel comfortable, that is the most important thing!
I completely understand where you’re coming from, and to me, the “collectively do ourselves” part is the resonating part of your post. To me, it sounds like maybe you’re having second thoughts because inevitably, as the day draws closer, you’re becoming more aware of the fact that help from those around you is a pretty big factor in being able to have a wedding on such a small budget. And of course, when you know you could feasibly spend more without being irresponsible, instead of asking for help on something, that probably colours everything a nice shade of guilty sometimes. I would suggest that you ask for help on things that will make the wedding personally meaningful, rather that things that will be direct, cost-saving grunt work. That way, you get help (which I think matters to you from an emotional perspective in addition to cost saving) without feeling like your friends are non-hired staff.
@West Coast Bride: You are very perceptive. For that reason, we are hiring a caterer, but I think we can have fun putting together florals together, all of us. Drink mixing will be a DIY kind of thing (we’ll have recommended recipes), but we might hire a neighborhood kid to carry chairs from the ceremony site back to the reception site. You’re absolutely right!
I definitely don’t think you have an obligation to spend more. Your first obligation should be to your new husband and family to start out on the right financial footing. Good for you!
I know we (my family) can spend more money on my wedding than my father budgeted for and I know he knows we can as well, but we don’t feel the need to. I know we can have a fabulous wedding within our budget so I’m trying my hardest to stay within it. We’re slurging on the important stuff and saving money where we can.
“In the end, though, expenses are a choice and income is a blessing.” - AMEN!
I don’t think you have to spend more just cause you can. Spend what is right. I’m fairly frugal as well and I’d rather have a healthy savings account than a real skinny one! You NEVER know when you’ll need it for a rainy day!
I don’t think you have any obligation to spend more. I’ve been to receptions that ranged from $500 to probably $50,000 and they were both lovely and fun in their own way. It shouldn’t matter how much we spend on our weddings, only that we’re getting married!
I firmly believe that people live above and beyond their means and we as a society need to get back to simplicity, not spending just because we can. Good for you for sticking to your realistic budget, even if you COULD spend more! I’m sure it will all come together beautifully.
I think @emileee makes an EXCELLENT point. If you’re expecting a lot from your guests, you should give a lot.
That said, I’ve helped with a ton of DIY weddings doing everything from making the ring pillow, arranging flowers, making invitations, decorating, setting up, tearing down… and in most cases I wasn’t even a member of the bridal party nor family! But I absolutely LOVED being a part of it. If you have connections that are willing to help, anything from a nice thank you note to a small gift is appropriate and may ease some guilt. I know I was pleasently shocked when my friend’s sister gave me a $35 gift card for simply baking some cupcakes for her shower and helping address her invitations.
@Miss Cheese: Happy to share my thoughts–I’m an at home wedding bride too, and I am getting lots of help on some of the same things as you (and decided to get a caterer for the same reason. Our recommended drink (which can be partially prepped in advance by our many available helping hands) is the mojito….West Coast Groom thinks I’m ridiculous for wanting to call it the Matrimojito on our drink list.
Totally agree - we could afford to spend more than we are, but in the end we couldn’t justify to ourselves spending all that money on one day. We would much rather be prepared for the rest of our lives/have a down-payment for a house than have a huge crazy blow-out (esp. in this economy)!
Are you kidding? In these economic times? Who can blame you? I just wish that I had been more money saavy in the beginning of my wedding planning. I am now, though, saving dollars wherever I can. Things add up.
Also, it’s really about you and him, not about how much money you spend to throw a wedding. Weddings used to be at a church or home with cake and punch in the basement/yard. It is just fine to be conscience of your spending!
I have a tiny budget. I don’t have a good job by any means, and FI doesn’t either. I hate to say it but I don’t make much more than minimum wage. I’m way below poverty level. That’s were going back to college asap. We both took time off because of financial reasons. I don’t want to take out loans I won’t be able to pay back.
If I didn’t absolutely need to I would not be asking my family instead of having vendors. Now I would not have anything spectacular at all just not make my family have to do all these things. I feel bad that I can’t afford for them to just enjoy the day, and relax. They seem to be more than happy to help. I don’t know why I feel so guilty.
Honestly, I think you would be stupid to spend more than you absolutly want/need to spend.
We had a lovely wedding with everything I could have wanted but by DIYing many things, buying tons of stuff second hand (on weddingbee) and selling stuff afterwards (for often more than what I paid!) we managed to only spend half of the money we were offered by my family and I used the other half to pay off my student loans!
Everyone seemed to have had a great time at the wedding and we had the added bonus of eliminating our debt as well. I’m very happy about my decision!
I don’t think having money requires that you spend it! Being smart with your finances is part of what helps you get ahead, right? Your wedding is about your love and your personalities. If that’s not represented by extravagance, then there’s no reason your wedding should be either.
I definitely feel the same way, Ms. Cheese. The man and i aren’t rich, but we’re in an income situation that allows our friends and family to expect us to throw a big, fancy expensive party. The fact that we’re not may come off as cheap. But oh well, it’s our money and our choice with how to spend it, and with how we want to spend our day.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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