Wedding Blog
Planning a wedding brings out the best in some people, and the worst in others.
At times, it seems like everyone has an opinion about some aspect of the planning, and most aren’t shy about letting their ideas be known.
In some instances, this type of collaboration is welcome and appreciated:
Problems arise when someone other than your betrothed becomes wedded to an idea, event or other aspect related to the wedding. True, money matters carry some weight in the wedding planning world. (We’ve largely been blessed by loved ones who understand the wedding is a celebration of our love — our one chance to join with family and friends in the manner we deem appropriate — and should reflect our tastes and preferences accordingly.)
But, with a nose-crinkle here, or a pronounced silence there, others have effectively communicated disagreement with — at times, it seems, distaste for — our arrangements. Our wedding is invariably subjected to a bridal benchmark, and, despite all my careful considerations, routinely rated sub par. And as if planning a wedding isn’t stressful enough, nuptial nettling escalates tempers and stress levels. How do you politely decline the contributions of a wedding wheedler?
So, I’m left feeling overprotective of something I’ve spent over 12 months — nearly two years, by our wedding date — cultivating. I don’t want to hurt any feelings, but at the same time, I’m motivated to act impulsively, in whatever way necessary, to guard my own emotions.
And I’m left wondering: Since you can’t stamp a bookplate on your wedding, what can you do to clearly demonstrate to others that it is, in fact, yours?
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I’ve run into this problem quite a bit myself. Although I truly appreciate everyone’s advice and suggestion, I make sure to always tell them that, sometimes their suggestions are just not “us”. Simple as that.
It’s my hope that when everyone sees the way the ceremony/reception turns out they’ll love our ideas, ideas that we may not necessarily see eye to eye on right now.
I’ve been lucky enought (so far) that no one has really imposed their thoughts and opinions too much on our wedding plans. I have had a few folks try to convince me that some of my ideas weren’t traditional. I just reminded them that 1. I’m not that traditional and 2. they can do what they want when they get married. It usually gets them to pipe down…for awhile, at least.
We agreed this weekend to create a “vision” for our wedding, and not let anyone deter us from that vision. Its a day about us, our life and our future. Its great that people who love us can be there to support us, but the day is OURS to make of it what we will (or won’t).
I know this feeling all too well. Between our two families and difficult schedules of some very important guests the Mister and I weren’t able to pick out our wedding and reception dates in peace.
What I found to work is that before I ask for opinions on anything I make it clear that I am simply asking for an OPINION and not giving them final say… and of course I reinforce it again by saying “thanks for your opinion, I’ll take it into stride”. Haha, I’m a bridezilla in disguise!
i totally feel ya. i’ve had one of my BMs give me blank stares after i told her parts of our plans and then she immediately starts rambling on about what she thinks would look nice. it makes me less likely to ask her for advice since our tastes are so different.
I have the same situation with my MOH! For starters, I don’t think she and my FI are ever going to be close, and I think there may be some jealousy going on as she got married very young and had the wedding that they could afford at the time. It was a lovely wedding! But it was THEIR wedding. My taste happens to be opposite in nearly all things wedding. I would never tell her this as she’s a dear friend, but she’s started to do the “prolonged silence” thing whenever wedding comes up. She’s my MOH, for goodness sakes! The wedding will come up from time to time.
I get through it by reminding myself that a bride can be targeted as a “zilla” quite easily, and that I will thank myself later for not lashing out and giving my MOH justification for her silent protests. So…taking the high road, I guess, at least on the outside, even though sometimes I am boiling on the inside.
My mom is a good example of someone who asserts her opinion as fact. Thank goodness we have a good relationship, because when she’s getting… assertive… I tell her, “Ok, well, when you are planning a wedding, you can do it that way.” We usually get a laugh and move on. She gets the point and I don’t have to regret running ideas by her.
LOL!! Its like you are a fly on the wall in my life. EVERYONE has an opinion. While I want to tell them to kiss my arse and kick in some cash if they feel so strongly about us serving X, or having the RD at place Y, I usually just change the subject and then give them aboslutely zero details. Hmph!!
I have trouble with this, too, just like everyone else. I try to take the comments with a grain of salt, because the wedding is a party I’m throwing ABOUT us but FOR them… and then the marriage is the two of us. I do want the party to be a reflection of us, and certainly the ceremony, so I tell people that I’ve got a pretty good idea of what we’ll be doing but thanks for the input.
This has been quite an issue here and there for us. I’ve done my best to be pleasant when responding… and it makes a huge difference!
You’ll here this a thousand times but it seriously works…remain silent on the subject. Smile and nod at suggestions, refuse to discuss plans with known meddlers by throwing in the occassional “we haven’t decided,” “we want people to be surprised,” or better yet, nothing. Every aunt, cousin, grandmother, and friend of a friend had something to say about our out of the ordinary wedding plans. My mother, who footed a substantial portion of the bill, unfortunately got her ear full most of the time from aunts and uncles confused by the amount of control I was being allowed to have over our artsy hippy religion free wedding. But we bit our tongues.
And low and behold, when the day came, all the nay sayers could talk about was how absolutely wonderful and beautiful it all was, and how creative we were. And again, I smiled, nodded, and said nothing :).
Ya know, Miss B, I get the idea there was a straw the broke camel’s back before you wrote this…..One opinion too many, one repeated suggestion beyond the pale? I know I’ve tried hard not to let this stuff get to me, but sometimes you just have to let it out! It seems like many wedding meddlers assume that if you tell them about a particular detail, it’s open for evaluation/discussion. They don’t always seem to get that you may have actually made some decisions already and aren’t looking for feedback! My FMIL can always be counted on to remind me of what “tradition” says we should do every step of the way. She doesn’t outright tell us we have to follow it, but she brings it up every single time we tell her about something we’re doing in our own way. Ugh, at least we’re T minus 54 today!
Same problems here! I thought it was just me! I totally agree on your list of “when to give your opinion.” There are so many details my fiance and I have decided and when other turn their nose or verbalize their disapproval…well it certainly can burst your excitement. I found I just stopped sharing ideas with others, which makes me sad…..
You are right though, it is something you have spent much time in planning and others, whether they agree or not, should just keep opinions to self. I may decide the stupidest idea in the world to do at the reception but it is my wedding and my idea-which I love! Like I said I just stopped sharing or as noted in #11, bite your tongue-and the day of everything will be as you imagined it and everyone else will tell you how beautiful! 
I hear you! There have been times where I’ve thought to tell a certain someone - “You know what just tell me when the where and when the wedding is and I’ll show up”. I’ve learned to smile and say, “hmm I hadn’t thought of that, I will take that into consideration.” and the I either actually take it into consideration or promptly forgot what their dumb idea was
I’ve been writing my own version of this post all weekend! I totally get where you are coming from. I’ve tried to be as pleasant as I can possibly be, but it is still very frustrating. I understand, Miss B! Just this past weekend I came close to being nasty to a relative regarding a disagreement over a flower girl dress. Argh. Hang in there!
@West Coast Bride: Very perceptive! Stay tuned for more info into what led me to write this post!
@ all: Thanks for listening, and sharing your similar thoughts and/or experiences!
My way to show that our wedding us just ours is to make the decisions BEFORE telling the meddlers. I always tell my mom when something is finalized, otherwise I never hear the end of “you should have gone with such and such” and I’m rolling my eyes hoping she’ll stop. Can’t wait to hear how you handled it!
Good for you! I think EVERY bride goes through this or something like it. Ultimately though, you will be most happy with the decisions you’ve made and how it turns out if you don’t let other people’s opinions influence your choices. So, stick by your guns and kindly remind them who the day belongs to (you and your fiance, not anyone else… ever). Eventually, they’ll get the message. 
I actually took the opposite view from the start, which has made this all much easier and way more fun. I consider my wedding to not belong to me, but belong to our families. So while there are lots of ideas that I want that we are doing, there are also some things I am totally not into that I am accepting as gracefully as I can. It totally made this experience more fun, because I haven’t fought with anyone on anything, yet the things that are most important to me they know not to change.
Hope whatever is going on works out…. it is so hard with so many cooks in the kitchen sometimes!
Such a good post, Brushetta!
I think the best weddings are a reflection of the couple and not trends or other’s opinions. We had some nay-sayers when planning our wedding. I just ignored them. Their opinion was more about them than it was about us.
This drives me crazy, too. I mean, my wedding is going to be the best, shouldn’t EVERYONE think the same way? It’s human nature to want everyone to like your wedding plans - they’re a reflection of you.
But alas there are always the poopy-pants people with no manners who don’t know that they should oooh and ahh at everything you’ve decided to do for your wedding. They’re all just jealous anyway
My solution? “Oh, that’s a really [interesting/great/wonderful] idea. I’ll definitely keep it in mind.
Who’s to say that you agree with them, either!
Stick to your guns, girl. Your wedding is going to kick butt!
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Mrs. Bruschetta, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 25, Communication Professional
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Physical Therapy Graduate Student
Engagement Date: November 30, 2007
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
About Me: I’m a self-proclaimed grammar geek who loves singing (like, really belting it) in the car. My mister and I are planning a vibrant summer soiree celebrating our passions – including food and Philly – and when we make it official, we’ll have been together for eight years! Being super competitive is in my nature, and talking excessively is in my genes. I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, but can always easily find my way into Mr. Bruschetta’s arms.
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