Wedding Blog
We have made a lot of changes to our wedding plans because of my parents. I know a lot of people say (and have said) that it’s our wedding and we should do what we want. While I totally agree, I do still feel like we (mostly I) have the responsibility to consider their wishes. I don’t know if it is the Catholic guilt or the Filipino/Sri-Lankan upbringing, but I can’t help it. It’s just the way it goes.
I can’t say that we didn’t try to ignore their wishes. We found a great community center (in not the best area) to have the reception at and when I told my Mom about it, I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I made the mistake of asking her what she thought, and she made the mistake of telling me. Let’s just say that there was some crying. She did say it was my wedding, and I could do what I wanted, but I still felt really bad that she didn’t like it and might even be embarrassed about it. I told her that with our budget and the number of relatives we had to invite, the community center was all we could afford.
She called me later that afternoon and told me she had spoken to my Dad and they were willing to pay up to $6000 towards the food and reception venue if she had a say in that part of the process. I told her that I had to talk to Mr. Joey about it. I told him, but I was really mad about the compromise.
Looking back, I’m not sure why. He was great. He said we could march on with our plans and both my Mom and I would feel bad about the situation, or we could take the money and make the best of it. He did say that if we agreed to take the money, then we would limit their say in the wedding to the food and venue. I agreed, and we told the parents the news. Since then, my Mom has tried to “give” us her opinion on other elements of the wedding, but I’ve learned to say, “thanks for that Mom, but this isn’t part of the agreement.”
I know some of you are still wondering why Mr. Joey and I would worry so much about what my parents think. Well, I think there are a lot of reasons, some to do with me, and some that don’t.
I think the first big reason is that I’ve cheated them out of 2 proud parent moments. I skipped out on my undergraduate and graduate ceremonies. I never walked down the aisle to collect the fake diploma as my parents cried and cheered me on. When my sister graduated college and we were in the stands cheering her on, my Mom mentioned she would have loved to have seen me walk.
This was supposed to be their second wedding. My sister was going to have a beautiful wedding. A lovely gown, a ceremony at St. Ignatius Chapel at Seattle University, and lavish reception at the Edgewater Hotel. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. The army had its way, and my sister didn’t get hers. My parents told everyone about the wedding, and then had to tell everyone about the cancellation. It’s just me and my sister, and I don’t know if she’ll ever have the chance to have the wedding of her and their dreams. I’m the next best thing.
The last reason is that my parents are giving us the means to have our own house. Buying a piece of property on our salaries in Seattle is impossible. This is a HUGE gift. Words can’t even describe it. And on top of that, my dad is giving us his labor for free. We are paying for his crew and the materials, but he’s free. Seriously, how can we not afford them some of their wishes on our wedding day?
I think each bride and groom has outside pressures to deal with when planning a wedding. Ours are my parents. Did you have to make major changes to your wedding plans to accommodate anyone else’s wishes?
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Share this post: Dutiful Daughter
I wanted to forgo kids on the invite list so that we could invite more people (coughcoughwhowillrememberathreeyearolddoesn’tcareaboutmywedding), but I was loudly overruled and backed down.
Love this post. I really don’t subscribe to the mentality that our wedding day is “all about us” - I really feel like its a family event. Of course I get a little misty about how lucky I am to be marrying my best guy, but for me, the bulk of the emotion is tied to what an amazing “coming together” of loved ones a wedding really is. My parents haven’t been very demanding and have been MORE than generous in paying for our wedding…but even if they weren’t, I think I would still want them to be as happy as possible with each of the decisions we’ve made along the way.
I totally agree with MplsChica. I think our culture tells us that weddings should be “me me me” but the truth is, weddings are a celebration with the community, an affirmation BY the community in support of your union. I think you’re doing the right thing by honoring your parents with your wedding.
I really love this post, Miss Joey! Coming into this with a strong Filipino upbringing myself, I can definitely relate to your situation.
oh miss joey! just yesterday i had a major breakdown and tought we should cancel our wedding because we’re having my parents demands on every little thing…I posted it here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-we-cancel-or-just-let-it-go
Wonderful Miss Cheese had this very same thought of our wedding not being just about ‘us’, but a ‘family event’, like chicagowife and MplsChica.
I’ve talked to Mr. MexicanBoy and we’ve agreed not to cancel the wedding, because it’s so close and basically, we DO want to get married no matter what.
And you know what? We really want to respect my parents wishes and my future-in-laws’ wishes, because we are becoming A SINGLE FAMILY.
I am with MplsChica in the fact that the wedding really is for your family (and friends) almost as much as it is for me and my fiance.
I think you probably found a great compromise in allowing your parents to help you out and contribute to the plans. This is their dream day as well!
It sounds like you have handled the situation really well by giving your parents say and letting them be included, but still holding the important boundary for you and Mr. Joey. It sounds like you have wonderful parents and you definitely are the dutiful daughter by letting them have the “parent moment.”
I’m glad you are being a good daughter as hard as it is. I know if my parents had wishes it would be hard to ignore with my Asian background as well. To my surprise my parents have made no “demands”.. well actually one no alcohol haha we compromised to wine, champagne and beer (it didn’t really cut down on costs!) but that was more for religious issues.
Their wedding gift to you is amazing!
I think that’s incredibly sweet you made some changes for your parents and I completely understand the reasons behind your decision to do so. 
While our situations are different, this hits home. My FI and I could have easily gone off and eloped or just invited our parents. But ultimately we realized that we are well loved by many of our family and friends and did not want to cheat them out of a celebration with us. I’ve been saying all along to my FI that the wedding is less about us and more about the family.
It sounds like this is working out really well for you. I am trying to balance family and tradition with doing what I want. I ask my parents, and ask FI to ask his, if there’s anything in particular they want/ don’t want around the wedding, but no one is very vocal. I guess that’s a benefit, but at the same time if I were doing what I wanted, I would have gotten married at City Hall and gone out to lunch afterward. So, we have the wedding for our families.
The biggest compromise I made was to have FI’s niece be a flowergirl. Originally, I didn’t want any kids there - none to scream during our vows, none to stick their dirty fingers in the cake before we’d cut it, none to keep their parents from staying the entire reception. But his mother said the only wish she had was for her granddaughter to be the flowergirl. So, now we have a flowergirl and an additional 25 guests under the age of 18, bringing our guest list up to 122. But she’s been true to her word, and even though she doesn’t like that I chose dark grey for the BM dresses, she said she can’t wait to see it all come together.
oh miss Joey - I totally understand what you mean. In my Vietnamese Christian culture, and being the first daughter to be married, and hubs being the first son to be married. i think we gave into almost every request. It was their day, and our day, and everyone was so happy.
Miss Joey, I think you made the right call and it sounds like you’re handling your parents’ expectations really well. That can be so tough to balance. Most of the compromises my FI and I have made have been to accommodate his parents’ guest list. At first I had trouble wrapping my head around the number of people we’re inviting, but now I’ve made peace with it, because I adore his family and this is so important to them. (My parents had 25 people at their wedding, and aside from my mom’s intense dislike of non-padded chairs, they haven’t had very strong opinions about what we should do!)
This is not catholic guilt or cultural in any way — this is being all grown up and realizing that compromise and family are sooo important. While it is your day– its also your day to bring joy and happiness to your family and friends… And you have demonstrated that it can be done!!
Miss J. your post came at exactly the right time for me. We aren’t engaged yet, but are looking for rings and having a lot of conversations about where in town the wedding should be, and what time of year. Some timing things in my parents life have totally changed (where July used to be the only month that would work; not July, August and September are when it won’t work) and Byofriend is having a hard time seeing past his “vision” of a July wedding. We’ll work through it, but its really got me down today. I really wish I could convince him to just elope!
I know I’ll face the same pressures when it’s my turn. While it is “your” day, you could have just as easily eloped on your own, but since you’ve chosen to celebrate with your loved ones, it’s hard to ignore all the other opinions. 
Besides, at the end of the day, all that really matters is that you and Mr. Joey are MARRIED! The rest is just filler. 
I totally understand what you’re talking about, except my parents are paying for the whole she-bang. I do feel obligated to give them say in situations and think that they should, but occasionally my mom goes to far and I have to reel her in. This past weekend I had to have it out with her b/c she started over stepping again. Its a fine line, but I know this is important to them.
miss joey, thanks for your post. i totally feel you. i’m also pinay. I’ve come to understand that for many of our Filipino American families, weddings are a celebration for the ENTIRE family. Like linda said above me, it’s their day too. I’ve seen lots of tears and drama when the bride insists on “her” way, at the expense of decades of hurt feelings and family strife. I always knew that my family would insist on a couple of things. 1) That I include as much blood family in the wedding party as possible. 2) That I include as much blood family as possible on the guest list. As an academic who studies such things, and as the oldest daughter and granddaughter, I do understand. In the provinces, life is so grueling, poverty so grinding, and community life so intimate that to NOT invite everyone in the village would be such an insult. I pre-empted the drama, tears and resentment by going ahead and inviting every single one of my mother’s first cousins and their children, and including a relative I didn’t really want in the bridal party. Hence, my 400+ guest list wedding! I’m taking comfort in the knowledge, however, that I’ve made my aunts, mom, and grandma happier beyond words. And that makes me happy.
I’m lucky to be planning my wedding from half a world away! My mom has an opinion about everything, and she is not afraid to express it! But mostly I tell her about decisions after I make them. Otherwise she gets upset if she tells me her opinion and then I do something else later. But I can’t ALWAYS agree! So hard…
This reminds me of Miss Glitter’s post about Chinese weddings “eventfullness”. Cultural values play a role in most people’s wedding planning as most of us are blessed to know something of our own heritage (which is usually kept alive by our elders, through their wedding-related opinions!) Lucky for us, there haven’t been any really strongly dissonant voices about our overall vision and some of the “big decisions” like venue, food or timeline of events. What I have found most difficult is the constant firing of unsolicited feedback/input and attempted decision making from all sides. Sometimes I want reassurance or feedback, but sometimes I want people to just trust that I’m right about where to set up the bar or the candy buffet or the head table and leave me be! Ha rumph! I will say, however, that West Coast Groom’s family taught me what it really means to give gifts with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. It’s pretty amazing.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I too have the Catholic guilt and Sri Lankan upbringing. My fi also has the Catholic guilt too. In order to make everyone happy, we both basically agree that while this is our big day a bigger part of the day is for our families and in the end we’ll be married and have celebrated with the people we love. We’re having the full mass even though we both don’t really practice anymore and our parents keep adding people that we haven’t seen or heard of in years. But we understand, we gratefully accepted their financial help and if this all they ask (they don’t give input on other elements) then we’re ok with that.
I feel immensely bad that we decided not to incorporate a Sri Lankan/Buddhist ceremony on top of a catholic mass but it just didn’t feel right to me. I’ve never witnessed one and it’s not like my family practices any Buddhist traditions. I think I kind of broke my parents hearts a little when I decided to wear a dress instead of a sari but I would have felt really unnatural and out of my element in one. I guess it’s all about compromise and hopefully we’ll all walk away feeling good about our decisions in the end.
I guess my compromises thus far are about where to have it. The one thing I asked Mr. Spin when we got engaged was that we not be married in a church. We are not church goers personally and I have personal issues with the church. And he agreed that since it was that important to me, we wouldn’t marry in a church.
Well, that didn’t last long. ^_^ He later sat me down and said, that if truly made me that uncomfy, we didn’t have to, but that it’s very important to his grandma and his mom that we marry in a church. Then it turned out my mom didn’t want to say anything, but that she was hurt that I didn’t want to marry in a church.
Suffice to say, we’re getting married in a church. In a way I feel like a hypocrite and I wonder if I will feel like the ceremony isn’t true to us as a couple, but we’ll be married. And my god, if it’s that important to them all, life will be easier to go along with this (hopefully) one thing.
i can relate, miss joey. i’m filipina and my fiance is vietnamese, and our wedding is very much a “family affair”. although allowing our families to have an active role in the planning has caused some frustration and delays in decisions being made, we honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. i’ve lost count of how many times someone has told me “the wedding is all about the bride”, but my fiance and i see our wedding as a celebration of our families and a way to pay tribute and give thanks to them for all that they’ve done for us. yes, its difficult to balance your desires with those of your parents, but i truly believe all the heartache will pay off in the end.
Well, said! In my opinion what makes a bridezilla is the fact that family gets forgotten and people just plow through their parents feelings like is nothing.
Yes, is your wedding but respect your parents! Society is in the toilet because we forget that very simple rule.
I feel this. And as others have said, I think a lot of us who come from tight-knit immigrant families feel this–there are different expectations for who gets to say what about what, you know? It sounds like you guys are being really thoughtful about dealing with the issues that arise, but sometimes it’s just hard. It is! My sister gave me the good advice that planning a wedding is a good sneak peak into what one’s life is going to be like, and if you can survive these tests, then you’ll do ok. I keep reflecting on that–if managing my parents’ expectations is hard now, how much harder will it be when we have kids? Etc, etc… Setting the standard now for having a way to deal with all this stuff is actually a really positive thing.
I can’t really relate, as neither my mom nor my in-laws have tried to tell us what to do with our wedding. But I do understand the feeling of wanting to please your parents. They will be almost as excited as you on your wedding day, and knowing that they were included in the process will mean a lot to them.
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Mrs. Joey, Seattle
Age and Occupation: 28, Project Administrator for Public Health NGO
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, High School History Teacher
Engagement Date: June 24, 2008
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe
About Me: I'm a Seattle girl through and through except for the fact that I don't drink coffee. I love my job most of the time because I get to travel and work with brilliant people who are trying to prevent Malaria. I love DIY projects of all sorts, cooking, and watching sports. I'd wear anything at Anthropologie and could spend all day on Etsy. I love to travel but shouldn't because I always get myself into unbelievable situations!
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