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Some Joey friends are getting married this weekend in a small town in North Carolina. Mr. Joey is headed there tonight, but I’m staying behind. I feel bad about it, but when we RVSP’d, I thought I wouldn’t be able to go. I was told that I’d be taking a trip to Tanzania in early April and I knew if that was true, I’d be missing our friends’ wedding.
Well, it’s early April and I’m still here. I do feel bad about not making it to the wedding, though. I knew a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be traveling for work and could have opted to join Mr. Joey, but I decided against it. I know, I know.
My biggest reason for not going is financial. If we both went to the wedding, it would cost us about $700 each, not including food and a present. Another reason I opted not to go was because I shouldn’t take too much time off this month. We’re headed to a wedding in San Diego in a few weeks. I took off 3 days to enjoy some sun. Yes, I’m spending money to go to San Diego, but in the end, because of a flight coupon and awesome condo deal, we’re each only paying $400 for 6 days. We also knew about the wedding 3 months before the North Carolina wedding.
Mr. Joey knew he was going to this wedding from the beginning.
Before they started teaching, Mr. Joey and the groom were best friends. They still are fairly close. They play in a band together, used to work at EMP together and are both teachers, so they spend a lot of time hanging out during school vacations. Mr. Joey knew that only 4 people from Seattle were headed to North Carolina for the wedding. This is a destination wedding of sorts.
Now Mr. Joey is doubting his decision. I think the biggest reason Mr. Joey is feeling a little down about attending this wedding is because of money. He owed the government money this year, and now he’s got his share of the structural engineer, architect, and building permits to pay for. These weren’t expenses we anticipated 4 months ago. I hope the weather gets nice and he really enjoys himself. I don’t want him to feel bad about going to a friend’s wedding.
Before Mr. Joey bought his plane ticket, I suggested an alternative to going to the wedding. The bride changed jobs late last year, and while she’s happy about her new position, I think she’s less than happy about the vacation benefit. She only gets one week, and she’s using it all to prepare for the wedding in North Carolina. Since the bride and the groom wouldn’t be going on a honeymoon, I suggested we buy them a minimoon. I was thinking a $250-350 gift certificate with Amtrak Vacations, or the Victoria Clipper. I know you can get weekend deals to Portland or Victoria BC including transportation, hotel and transfers for $300. Mr. Joey and I took a lovely train trip to Vancouver last year with Amtrak. I was also thinking of getting them a weekend away at their favorite Washington Winery, a bottle of wine from that winery, and a little cat-sitting coupon from us. Wouldn’t that be cute? I thought this was a great alternative; we’d save over a $1000 on the trip and they’d get a lovely minimoon.
What do you think? Knowing our financial situation (our own wedding this summer and building a house), would you forgive us for not attending your wedding? Would you have gone to the wedding, or given the minimoon gift?
Anyone one who has to pay a hefty airfare gets a free pass in my book. If they do attend, I count their presence as present enough!
I was in a similar situation the summer before my wedding (last summer). I had to decline an invite to a college friends wedding- then in the fall he and his wife came to mine.
I felt bad about not going, but my FI was out of work at the time, we had wedding expenses, and I just couldn’t justify the airfare.
I think he and his wife understood. Hopefully your friends will too.
Oh man, this is pretty personal, so I don’t know whehther the hive’s vote will necessarily reflect your friends’ values. Alas, since you asked, I would say no, if it were me, I wouldn’t want the present, I would want your presence. Of course I’ve tried not to be sad about the few people who declined our invitation to our wedding, I know in my heart no gift really would compare. But don’t beat yourself up about it. If they are good friends, they should understand. That said, I don’t think Mr. Joey should back out. That WOULD be rude in my opinion.
I think that everyone is more understanding with OOT’ers not being able to make it to their weddings these days.. it’s just the economic times we’re in… especially with your situation! I’d be losing my mind if I were building a house on top of a wedding… Props to you for keeping it togther so well.
As for the minimoon idea I would be absolutely floored if our friends gifted us something like that. That’s a great idea!- I’ll remember that for the next time I can’t make a wedding.
Well can Mr Joey get a refund on his ticket, if not then it wouldn’t really be worth it at this point.
Honestly, if I were Mr Joey’s friend, I’d understand you not being able to attend, but I’d much rather have my friend be there than them give me a gift (as thoughtful as that gift might be).
Also, I’d be a bit miffed if a friend said they couldn’t come to my wedding for financial reasons, and then bought me a pretty expensive gift. I know it’s a cliche, but I really think the bride and groom prefer presence to presents.
Of course it’s up to you guys, but I think you need to think about what you would prefer if the roles were reversed.
Completely understand about you not being able to go though - and in fact, at this late stage, it might be too much extra hassle for the B&G to change your plans anyway.
For that much money, I’m sure they will understand if you cannot attend. 
What a great gift idea!!
I think the minimoon idea is a wonderful gesture in second place of you actually being there. If you can’t go, what a wonderful alternate plan!
Wow that is a toughie. Eee my FI is skipping of a wedding a few bachelor parties this year for the same reason. I know he still wants to go but financially and with time off work for our own wedding it just wasn’t possible (a destination wedding on a Monday makes it really tough!). His boys are giving him a really hard time about it and I feel bad. The desire is there and we’re sending a nice gift equivalent to what he’d spend going there but sometimes the presence means love. ahhh
Good luck! I hope Mr. Joey’s friends are nicer than my FI’s! (It’s all out of love but I still bad for my mister)
In this economy, people have to make their own decisions, and I think people understand that. It is cheaper to send a gift than to go to a wedding (where, let’s face it, you would still feel compelled to give a gift even if the bride said “no we just want you to come”).
I agree with West Coast Bride, though, in that Mr. Joey should still go. But don’t feel bad about YOU not going.
I would rather have my best friend at my wedding than have him/her stay at home but send me a very generous present. It’s not about the presents - it’s about the people who support your marriage and want to celebrate your love with you.
Also, do you not think that maybe Mr Joey feels bad about going because you can’t? Maybe it’s leaving you behind that’s bothering him the most.
Everyone is seeing more and more people bow out of weddings because of financial reasons. I would think they would understand if you and Mr. Joey didn’t go. I would definitely try to plan a time to get together with them (view the wedding album, etc) to cushion the blow. Also, tell them ASAP about the change so they can inform the vendors about the headcount change.
I think the mini-moon idea is great!!!
I would rather have my friends at my wedding, too, but I can understand them not being able to come from out of town. It’s so tough to get everyone together. I’m dealing with people who can’t come to my wedding, as well as a wedding in August I very likely won’t be able to attend due to finances and not having enough time off work. I would love to be there, but … we’re all feeling it.
if you decide to do a minimoon gift (which is an awesome thing to do!) I think they would love it. Travel is super expensive and I would forgive someone for it for sure! I think the minimoon is a thoughtfull gift and i’d go for it/ As long as you feel you would be ok in the same situation for your wedding!
I think they would completely understand as well.
We had to cancel on one of our friends last minute, we sent a really nice card and gift explaining why. They were very understanding of the situation.
I think Mr. Joey should just go to the wedding. The gift is a nice idea, but honestly, I wouldn’t want to get that kind of gift from a friend. It would make me feel uncomfortable. If they couldn’t afford to make it to my destination wedding, I’d like a nice note, not a lavish gift (and maybe I don’t even like trains?).
I understand!
I had to not go to my best freind /MOH’s graduation in NYC because I couldn’t afford the plane & hotel costs. I live all the way in Seattle.
It is really hard to realize that you just can’t “do it all”, even if you really want to.
I bet they will understand since they were just planning and wedding themselves. I would send a gift though or maybe even just a nice card
If he already has the tickets, I think he should just go, but if the guilt is too much, and he can get a refund, I don’t think there would be a problem with changing his plans. I would hope that as your friends they would understand if he didn’t come. I’m pretty sure I’d be a little disappointed if I were in your friend’s shoes and I was expecting Mr. Joey to come and he backed out, but I still think I’d understand.
I would much rather have my friends share in the memory of my day with me than a gift. If my good friend bailed at last minute I would feel VERY hurt. It would also make me feel like crap if someone blogged about not wanting to pay money to come to my wedding. *OUCH*
If the wedding is this weekend, I think it is too late for him to bow out now. They are most likely on the hook for the cost of him as a guest, and then there is the additional last minute scurrying to rearrange table assignments, etc. I would completely understand if someone had to back out of coming for financial reasons, but I would wonder why they did it a day or two before the wedding to do so.
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Mrs. Joey, Seattle Age and Occupation: 28, Project Administrator for Public Health NGO Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, High School History Teacher Engagement Date: June 24, 2008 Wedding Date: August 2009 Venue: Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe About Me: I'm a Seattle girl through and through except for the fact that I don't drink coffee. I love my job most of the time because I get to travel and work with brilliant people who are trying to prevent Malaria. I love DIY projects of all sorts, cooking, and watching sports. I'd wear anything at Anthropologie and could spend all day on Etsy. I love to travel but shouldn't because I always get myself into unbelievable situations!
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