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The question sits with me often and I don’t have an answer yet.
Putting together our playlist, I see “What a Wonderful World” in my music file, and I wonder if I should include it. See, that song was our first song at my first wedding, so maybe not. And yet, I love that song - that’s WHY it was our first song. I’m still me, and I still love it… so then yes. Except, I’ll be reminded of my first wedding at my second and that seems a little bit, I don’t know, wrong.
I’m considering wearing my favorite pair of flats for the trek to our ceremony and back… but I bought them on a trip with my ex-husband, a trip we’d spent all of our money on and really I shouldn’t have been buying a pair of shoes, much less at full price, but he pushed me into it and I’ve loved them ever since (5 years!). So is that a yes, because I love them, or a no, because that memory comes up each time I see them?
I remind myself that I won’t be able to avoid thinking about my first wedding, my first marriage, my (only) divorce. That’s the thing about weddings - they really are about your past meeting your future, and my past includes a failed marriage. And the thing about the past is that it’s impossible to cleanly divide. Memories are shared, so I can’t say that a song or place or experience is “mine” if my ex-husband was there. The thing about marriages? You really do become a part of “our”, as unable to separate yours from his as to separate the grains of sand in the ever popular wedding sand ceremony.
The song will go on the playlist, but not by the amazing Louis Armstrong; it’ll be sung by Michael Buble. A slight nod to my past with a bigger acknowledgment of my present. Because this is a pretty wonderful world, one in which I get a second chance at being loved by an amazing man… and to love him well in return. I’ll also be including songs that remind me of the loneliness I felt just after separating from my ex-husband, the nervousness I felt just after moving across the country alone, and the hope I felt after meeting my new husband. Because in the end, our wedding is also my rite of passage.
I still haven’t decided about the shoes. How will you handle your past?
Sometimes it is best to acknowledge it internally but then make new memories. I would guess that you have worn these shoes with fi so just because you bought them when you were with your ex doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear them.
Now I wouldn’t suggest wearing the same dress or anything from your first wedding but that is self explanatory.
My FI is an encore. Basically ANYTHING that’s related to his prior marriage has been nixed. He’s deadset on wiping the slate clean. Even though you can’t change the past, he seems intent on forgetting it. I just go with whatever he wants because I want to be sensitive to that.
As far as the songs, I’ve included some songs in my playlist despite them reminding me of past “loves.” The shoes? Well if the only thing they remind you of is your ex I say find a new pair of shoes to build new memories on.
I think that you’ve struck a GREAT balance - a nod to yourself and what YOU love, without making it totally about your past.
I’m an encore bride myself, and it’s a hard balance to strike. Keep up the good work!
beautifully written… what a great post miss cheese!… you keep being so honest and yet, so kind and thoughtful at the same time…
i say wear the shoes. then they have a new memory attached to them a long with all the old memories you have of buying/wearing them.
I am always struck by what you write–you are so honest here, it seems. And everything I read of yours makes me think you are such a lovely person–real and loving and funny and complicated in a good way. Your future husband is a lucky man. 
I say wear the shoes, if you love them. I think you will be reminded of your first wedding a bunch of times on this coming wedding day, and that all you can do is keep going–keep remembering that it IS your rite of passage. If everything we experience helps make us who we are, then you wouldn’t be the YOU that your new husband loves. You know? So, yeah, wear the shoes. And have an amazing day.
xox
I mean, you wouldn’t be the YOU he loves without that first marriage. Gah, Cheesy, you got me all choked up and I can’t even comment straight! Anyway, good luck!
My husband was an encore groom and I really hope that he didnt have memories of his past on our wedding day. I understand that you can’t just forget your past but I really hope that on that day he was just thinking of his future. I believe that if those shoes bring you bittersweet memories of you ex (it seems that way to me) then you shouldn’t wear them on that day. Again, this is the second-wive’s point of view.
As the fiance of an encore groom, I wouldn’t be comfortable having the same first song, even if its sung by another artist. I want our own memories to build our own foundation on, and want to pick a song together that represents our journey.
I love this post, Miss Cheese. Just wanted you to know.
Oh Cheesy, you are anything but!! Love your posts BTW. I say if you love the shoes, wear them so you can make new memories with them. I still have things from my last relationship that I still use, and even though it makes me think of him it also makes me realize how much happier and solid i feel with FI. Just because you got them in a previous life, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them in the present.
If your new hubby is okay with the song, I say the shoes should be okay so if I were you I would wear them!
Before you finalize the song list, check out Israel Kamakawiwo Ole’ - Somewhere Over The Rainbow. It combines Somewhere over the rainbow with What a wonderful world and is my ABSOLUTE favorite.
Maybe it’d work for you too.
Wear the shoes! Though the first marriage didn’t work out, the shoes sure did. If you take things that you love, and include them in your present, their meanings and associations will evolve and become something wholly different. Embrace it!
I totally second andriab, on “Somewhere over the rainbow/What a wonderful world” by Brother IZ. He is amazing.
You wouldn’t be who you are today without your past. Rock the shoes…and the song!
As an encore bride marrying an encore groom, I love this post, it brought tears to my eyes!!!
I’m like sea otter, I definitely have tears in my eyes. I think your past is part of you (even the parts we sometimes we wish we could forget) and it’s important to embrace it all to be honest with yourself and the Mr Cheese. All that stuff helped shape you into the awesome lady you are today so I don’t think it should be forgotten or avoided, just taken for what it is -a twist in the road to get to where you belong
@jennred782: That’s a good point!
@Sheri: That’s my theory, actually.
@Mrs. Pez: I suspect that men are different, honestly, but it’s very clear to me that one part of my life — the part where I’m completely responsible for myself — is ending in order to start a new one, so I’m all about the closure.
@hlander04: No, no! Not our first song again! No! Even I have boundaries… LOL.
@andriab: That’s a GREAT suggestion, and I’m not sure how I didn’t think of it. I LOVE that song (enough that I’m going all out with the caps, aren’t I?).
@miss_norris: You know, you ladies are right, and you got me thinking: I was a much more horrible person before I went through this whole horrible divorce thing (and it was a very friendly divorce, as these things go)… self-centered, petty, selfish, and unwilling or unable to be a good wife. You’re absolutely right that good came out of that mess, and while I’m incredibly sorry that my new-found maturity was built on the back of my ex-husband’s pain, it is what it is. He’s part of what got me here. I love this site and all of you guys. I just had an epiphany!
I love reading your posts. Although neither of us has previously been married, we each expected to marry another person. I have a special interest in the things he planned before, so we can do things differently, and I want to make things different this time. It’s pretty easy from detail to detail, but some things are just what I like, and were what I liked before, too. Alas…
I do agree it’s different for men, at least to a point. There are so many things in every aspect of my life that remind me of the past, and as I get further away from the “past” and have memories with my current life, it’s getting easier. For now, the shoes? Give them a new memory.
I guess it really depends on the way you feel and he feels. As far as the song - you put a new twist to it and you love the song. As long as these “past” things are keeping you there I think it’s fine. You love the song and shoes, forget the meaning it had to you before but what it means to you know. I do feel for @Mrs. Pez - my fiance and I are our firsts but I’ve never had a boyfriends (or lovers.. to be frank 
coming from a very religious family) where as he’s had to serious relationships before. It was hard for me to realize that he’s loved before, etc. He did start a clean slate, got rid of pics, items, etc I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him because it is a part of who he is, but his concern for my feelings was greater. This made me love him more and made me think I was selfish. Every case is different but this is part of compromising and every situation/relationship has to find it’s happy point. My long rant = do what’s best for you and him =) [wow.. true form of a rambler]
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer Engagement Date: July 31, 2008 Wedding Date: May, 2009 Blogging Since: October 16, 2008 Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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