Wedding Blog
This is, by far, the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m okay with that. I’ve failed at relationships because I didn’t try hard enough, so I accept that getting along with someone — especially when you have my strong personality and he’s no doormat — is sometimes going to be frustrating and exhausting.
But boy, I didn’t realize it would be this hard. Nor did I realize that fighting well is definitely a skill, one in which I am still a struggling amateur. After a small thing turned into a very large blow-up last night, I had time to myself — alone in bed with the company of two dogs and a cat — to think about my fighting style.
I fight defensively, like a cat. Ooh, boy, when I’m hurt, I’m like one of my cats backed into a corner, all claws and very little strategy. As Calvin once noted about Hobbes, the cat: “I keep forgetting, five of his six ends are pointy….”
My guy fights like our puppy: lots of advancing and retreating, time outs to lick wounds and plan the next engagement, and every so often, a play bite that breaks the skin*.
In the aftermath, I tend to feel like my way is wrong and his way is right, but the reality is that we just do it differently. When I try to fight his way, I end up even more frustrated and upset. His withdrawals feel like abandonment to me; his unintended nicks stay with me for a long time. Unfortunately, he can’t come over to my side either. My style feels too confrontational, too wordy, too overwhelming to him.
At best, I aim to be able to insert conscious thought between the hurt and the reaction (though I have yet to figure out what that thought should be, exactly) and to be more accepting of silence and withdrawal as part of the disagreement dance. Fighting is a lot less satisfying that way, but I’m willing to compromise. Or at least try. 
You get points for effort in this relationship thing, right?
Do you and your guy have different fighting styles? Have you reconciled them, or are you “under construction” like we are?
*Note for clarity: the puppy plays with other dogs like this, not with humans (no, no, absolutely not). And my analogy is strictly an analogy. Our fights aren’t physical; my point is that a comment can sometimes hurt more than was anticipated.
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Share this post: The Art of War
I fight like a cat…I know it’s wrong, but it’s so hard to stop! I’ve been taking tips from the simple marriage blog. Mr.D fights incredibly fairly and rational (aka opposite of me).
The way that you described your fighting styles, DEAD on with us. I.cannot.stand. the withdrawal and he can’t stand the wordiness.
We’re totally still under construction, but we’ve come a long way. We both try to take time in the midst of it all to recognize the small (sometimes large) ways that we’re each trying to meet in the middle. But it’s hard sometimes to think about it and just take the knee jerk reaction out. But taking a minute(or ten) really helps pull the perspective back.
We have totally different fighting styles. He is passive aggressive and was over indulged as a child. I am direct and was raised to be independent. Needless to say, our arguments are interesting…I feel your pain.
Miss Cheese I 100% understand what you’re up against! And I always heard people say that relationships are a ton of work but never knew what they really meant by that….now that I’m in a good one I understand. It IS hard! 
A book that I LOVE–not for fighting exactly but it can help you avoid them–is The Five Love Languages… it’s a bit churchy–but even if you’re not down with the God stuff it still has a GREAT philosophy which can help prevent fights. Good luck… we’re still working on how we fight…we don’t really fight at all…..we brood and then have emotional break downs together….which isn’t fun either!
When we fight I try to do it in a more ‘tactful’ manner I suppose. I try to make him understand the why? what? how? Aspects of why I’m hurt or angry and so on… (Maybe I watched too much Dr. Phil?) I’m usually trying to speak through a cracking voice and stream of tears. He on the other hand, when he gets angry he trys to think of the most hurtful thing he can say to me, even if its not true to hurt me so I can feel hurt like he does. Not so much anymore, but that’s how it used to unfold.
We’ve come a long way from where we started.. but we’re still under construction.
This is true of so many couples! I even try to remind myself to take a deep breath and think for a minute. That is usually when I realize that because I am fighting like a cat I have no idea what was just said or even what I am thinking. Time in this relationship has helped so much…sort of like getting declawed! Be patient with yourself.
You should check out “Love Languages” - it helps you love (and fight) while keeping in mind the other person’s style (or language) so that you can best express what you need to.
I am right there with you. I fight like a cat, all hissing and spitting, claws out and even sneaky. He just doesn’t fight. Yep, he refuses to engage….which is INCREDIBLY fustrating. He just sits there listening and never inserts how he feels or his comments. Most of the time I cant get anything out of him. He internalizes everything which makes me feel lonely and left out. We’re working on it, but it is INCREDIBLY hard. He understands I need more from him and I am trying to understand that he needs less (vocalizations and hissing) from me.
And points are totally awarded for trying!
Exact same here!!! It’s hard, isn’t it? But at the end of the day, you just have to keep trying, and, as cheesetastic (no pun, I swear) as it sounds, forgive.
Heh, my FI fights like a cat, and I’m more like the puppy!
We’re under construction as well, but mostly because we don’t fight. We’re beginning to get better at it, but he’s totally willing to let things go and I want some sort of resolution when things upset me… it is tough work.
*Waving hands in the there* Over here! Fighting fair and fighting productively are a work in progress for us, but I also feel that it is doesn’t get better in a linear fashion either. We go through phases where we’re really good at fighting productively and then we go through phases where we are not so good at it (like, say, the last two months before this wedding). Our contrast is usually that West Coast Groom is more task-oriented and I am more cerebral, so I almost immediately lunge away from the specific topic of conflict into the thematic core and background meanings behind why we’re having the fight to begin with, which inevitably clashes with his efforts to resolve the specific issue and go back to watching reruns in bed together. I know this is because I have underlying fears I need to get over, and he has trouble talking about emotions period, let alone the underlying ones he may only be semi-conscious of. I am also pushing the Mr. to be more assertive when I’m out of line. Yes, I should know to reign myself in, but others always see us differently that we see ourselves, and I need to be put in my place sometimes when I’m losing my sh*t for no reason.
@PrettyKitty: I feel ya on this style. It makes me feel the same way!
I just went through a course with my fiance called “love and respect” - it was really helpful to try to figure out how to communicate and fight well. check out http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/crazy_cycle.php
Sometimes I think it is amazing that 2 people are able to have a sucessful relationship! We are all have our own styles and ways about us. Your parnter has thier own styles and some how you are supposed to find a common ground and make it work for both people.
I think that your awareness of how you fight is really good. I think that we all are striving to learn how to “fight fair” and to try to be the best partner we can. Looking at yourself and how you fight is a good first step in working towards a “better” way of fighting.
You are right when you say that you are different and no one is really wrong, but I think we can also always improve and try to be better when we are angry. I know I have a lot of work to do to be able to fight in a way that I don’t look back with embarresment and say “wow! I acted like a jerk” or “god! I totally overreacted”
Good for you, and sorry you had a crummy night of fighting 
That always feels yucky
A technique that has been really helpful in my relationship is to call a timeout during our fights. He would often feel like I was attacking him when I would switch into my debater mode. I would get overexcited and have three or four responses to anything he’d say. But when we call a timeout, my husband then gets the chance to organize his thoughts and I get the chance to calm down.
Another thing that helped was an acronym that a friend in AA shared with me: HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). Though in it’s original context it refers to times when you shouldn’t make decisions, I’ve used it to stop myself from bringing up touchy subjects. Knowing when to bring up the issues that are going to cause conflict and when to have a timeout has really helped us avoid big blow ups.
“my strong personality and he’s no doormat…”
This absolutely describes our situation. We’ve sorta “learned” how to fight after almost 6 years. No one would’ve wanted to be around for years 1,2, and 3 though. At times, they were ugly years! Haha. Lots of irrational spats, yelling, general ugliness.
Now it’s all about precision fighting. Its an art form. If we are both on our game, we can even fight without yelling. But it doesn’t mean that things don’t sometimes get out of control. Oh man, they do. But, I’m kinda glad that Mr. G speaks his mind. My dad was a “doormat” kinda guy and it really frustrated the heck out of my mom.
Mr. Spin and I really don’t fight–and we’ve actually had discussions over whether we are too easygoing or whether the lack of conflict is really because there’s nothing to fight about.
I’ve always been passive aggressive–I don’t like conflict so I internalize and stew over my hurt feelings instead of addressing the problem. Mr Spin is (frustratingly ^_^) easy going and there is very little that gets under his skin, so when I do get mad at him I feel even more unreasonable just because he so rarely gets mad at me.
But I’m working on verbalizing when my feelings are hurt or when I have a problem with him. And we’re getting pretty good at addressing the problem and acknowledging each other’s feelings without getting overdramatic or tears (on my part). My sister says were disgustingly well-adjusted, but we still have a lot of room for improvement. ^_^
I hate fighting because I just blurt out every single irrational thought that comes into my head and of course he’s like, wtf, that’s not true! well, of course it’s not true, I’m being irrational! So I end up looking stupid. I try to avoid fights. This works out well unless I’m PMSing.
I’m the cat he’s the dog who thinkgs he fights rational and logical but that isn’t always the case. I hate it.
My FI and I hardly ever argue. I mean ever. We’ve had two fights in three years and I vividly remember why. We both fight like 10 week old puppies. Clumsily! And sometimes we “break the skin” but we’re quick to lick those wounds. I guess since we both fight the same we end our arguments quicker…because they never really last long!
Totally off subject…..I love that you brought Calvin and Hobbes into the mix. I LOVE Calvin and Hobbes. And very insightful regarding human nature and interactions….for comic books.
I’m totally with Miss Glitter, thats exactly like the FI and I down to the passive father
Mr. Liz and I have a unique problem. He’s very empathic. I didn’t realize so at first, but it’s definitely there. And he’s prone to depressive bouts.
So, he gets depressed and withdraws so I feel neglected. He realizes that I’m feeling neglected, then feels guilty and worse about himself for making me upset.
Our solution? I try to not take it personally, usually we talk it out or I already know why he’s feeling down and out. I can usually keep myself busy and let him have his cave time for about 3-4 days. And he knows that I need physical contact, if only a hand hold here and there, just to keep me from feeling too neglected.
As for fights? I’m really more of an email girl, I proposed via email to him. And he’s a bit of a writer, so expresses himself better in writing anyway. So, we email back and forth, expressing our concerns and view points. And if we’re getting crabby? Usually, we call it quits until we’ve eaten or gotten some rest and can talk rationally again.
I fight like a crab. I retreat when there’s danger, and when I get SO MAD I strike back, and I know just where to strike back so it hurts. The FI, fights like a pup. He won’t let go, and he’s consistent. He wants to talk, and I just want to retreat. Notice the problem? So eventually, I end up saying something hurtful that I don’t mean just to strike back.
We’re getting better at it though. It’s a lot of work, but at least, like you, we’re willing to work at it.
My problem is that I don’t know how to fight! I am not good at it. Never have been! I just clam up (& start crying)
This is exactly us. A little nothing will turn into something huge which then blows up into a million things. I want to talk and he retreats, so much so that I have to ask him for a response. It’s wearing on us though and I just wish we would learn how to fight right…and sooenr rather than later.
Ohhhh do I share your pain! I’m very much a cat, pleaseeee do not get me going because it won’t be pretty. My fiance is very fair and rational but I can’t handle it when he steps back to think things over which starts the cycle again. We both feel very strongly that you shouldn’t go to bed angry and work hard to see eachothers view point.
I’m with PrettyKitty on this one - while I’m hissing and fussing and carrying on he’s just sitting there looking at me like I’m a fool. During one particularly ridiculous argument I actually told him that if he “really loved me” he’d fight with me. The minute it came out of my mouth he cocked his eyebrow at me… 10 seconds of humming silence… and I just busted out laughing. I was still ticked but at least it put me on pause. We took a break from the conversation and managed to find a solution. Needless to say that’s never come out of my mouth again!
We haven’t had a fight yet. We’ve certainly gotten annoyed at each other, but I think we’ve been really good at explaining things to each other before stuff goes crazy.
@ Miss Quiche - That’s my problem too! Even if I do have a rational reason for being upset, I end up crying and can’t explain myself.
@ Miss Cheese - I think I say this every time I comment on one of your posts, but I love reading your posts! They’re always something everyone needs to hear!
I know exactly what you mean! When my FI and I argue, or even when I’m upset about something else and just ranting about it, he tends to completely shut down. I, on the other hand, work myself up. We have completely different styles of argument… I guess it’s okay, though, because since he doesn’t argue back at me our fights never last long.
I’m a bad fighter. I like to sit and think about outcomes so I get very quiet and unresponsive where as my FH wants to talk about it all right away and not be fighting anymore.
I just can’t do it. I’m a thinker.
I feel exactly the way SpinningJenny explained. We very rarely fight, we discuss. We too always wonder if we ’should be fighting more.’ But most of the time we’re just glad we aren’t one of those couples who has to fight to ‘keep it interesting.’
When we do fight, I have to work really hard not to go for the jugular by saying hurtful things just to feel like I won. He never says things to hurt me, but he does often acquiesce just to get it over with, and that’s never productive either.
I’m with JennyBryde. We actually don’t fight much, usually we can discuss our differences out. However, there are definitelyl moments that we have when our tempers get the best of us. My mr. is passive aggressive, and it drives me crazy when we fight. I’m really wordy and I’m sure he wishes I would just shut up.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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