- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
-Ambrose Redmoon
I struggle with forgiveness — of myself, of others, of the world at large. Cloaking myself in hurt or anger is somehow more comforting and safe than moving on. I don’t know why. Who wants to be hurt or angry? It’s not like it feels good. I always feel lost, though, in the moment between the apology and whatever comes next. I think (and will ask), “Are we just supposed to go back to normal? Do I pretend it never happened? How do I act now?”
For me, at least, it has taken great courage to return his peace offerings, be they an actual apology, invitation to watch the sun set, or my favorite bad treat. Gestures of forgiveness are easier for me to give than accept, the former feeling like a position of strength more than the latter. But that’s just me. I’m a work in progress — I like to think of that as one of my charms.
Anyone else find it easier to be the apologizer than the apologizee?
I’m so bad at apologizing… I’m trying really hard though!!!! And I like to think I’ve gotten better *shrug*
I hate both. I hate admitting that I was out of line, and I hate having someone that I love be out of line with me. It happens though…
I have trouble letting go. I hear you on the question of how to pretend (or really pretend) that something never happened. How are you working on improving this? I could use some advice, too. I think of the Patty Griffin song, “Forgiveness.”
THAT is my favorite quote, and has been for a few years! I first saw it on a chalk board in a coffee shop in Hong Kong.
Only sometimes do I find it easier to apologize than to be apologized to. Also, I realized after a long time of hurting, that I had to have been getting something out of it, or there was an addiction to the hurt, and it was therefore easier to wallow than to forgive and move on.
The way I see it… every argument you have as a couple is a means of getting to know one another better, and of making your relationship stronger. By pretending it never happened, how are you going to grow?
In some ways it’s probably easier to pretend the mistakes never happened, but that’s not what you’re signing up for when you get married. You’re signing up “for better or worse,” which means you’re accepting all the mistakes he’s going to make, and he’s accepting yours.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or pretending something didn’t happen; it means accepting and understanding that mistakes happen, but they never mean as much as the good stuff.
I am terrible at both but working on getting better at both. I think it’s easier to move on as the apologizer as once you’ve made the decision to apologize, you’ve kind of already accepted whatever happened. As the apologizee, you’re not in control of the situation and have to do things on ‘their’ terms and be ready to forgive perhaps before you yourself are entirely ready to do so.
I have the opposite problem… I have an issue NOT taking blame when things aren’t my fault. I apologize for things that don’t require an apology. It’s a habit I learned in my previous relationship, and something my FI is very gently weaning me off of.
In a somewhat unrelated note, that quote has a significant meaning for me too… it’s what I engraved on his “engagement ring” when I proposed 
Amen sista friend! I struggle with that one! I’m currently upset with my mister and even with his nice gestures, I’m having a hard time forgiving him.
I am really bad at receiving apologies, but I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older. I think it helps that Mr. Mary Jane is quick to point out when I’m not being fair to him, and I try to remind myself to take a step back and consider that he’s probably right: i’m not. I try to do the same for him.
I’m really bad at receiving apologies. I can easily say “it’s okay, thank you for your apology” but I can’t get my emotions to feel the same way. As far as giving apologies, I’ve been trying to cut down on saying sorry when it’s not necessary (ex: accidentally bumping into someone and saying sorry! instead of excuse me!) in order to make my sincere, bigger apologies mean more. Sounds silly, I know.
Oh wow, yes. I am terrible at accepting apologies too, or rather, at ending fights. The “what are we supposed to do now?” question always gets me. I can’t…rile myself down. Thanks for writing this.
I’m completely the opposite but that’s assuming it’s a genuine apology. If someone apologizes to me I immediately forgive them and find it very easy to move on. However, there’s a big difference between an apology and an ambiguous friendly gesture. If the other person was seriously at fault it feels fundamentally unfair to forgive them without them first admitting fault. Sometimes necessary, but unfair.
Sorry to point out the obvious here, but all your posts are about fighting with your fiance. Don’t you think this is a red flag? If you are fighting so much now, before you are even married, do you magically expect things to be perfect after your wedding?
I accept apologies and can usually get over things quickly. HOWEVER, I like to re-hash old crap when we fight again…which drives Mr. G crazy. I’m working on that. I like your acknowledgement that you are a “work in progress”. That is difficult for many of us to admit. Oh, and I suck at apologizing. I’m ridiculously bad at it. My apology is, “I’m sorry you feel that way…” which Mr. G thinks is a load of crap bc I’m not admitting that I was wrong.
I’m working from last to first on the comments.
@Miss Glitter: You are definitely cheating on that apology, my dear!
@LisaAnn: I don’t know how to answer this concisely (um, story of my life), but I’ll do my best. It has occurred to me that I write more about the bad than the good, but that’s on purpose. First of all, the good is much less interesting and angst-ridden, right? Yesterday we had a hugely fabulous day, and if this was a personal journal, it would have definitely been written about. But this isn’t — I blog about the journey to the altar (wow, that sounds pukey, doesn’t it?), and part of that, for me, has been realizing that fighting is both normal and not the end of the world. Up until very recently, every single time we fought, I thought, “Oh, gawd, we’re not right for each other.” Blame it on having divorced parents or on not having enough faith, but it’s been a revelation to me that this relationship thing is a skill — and a freaking tough one — so I blog about it. If other women read it and begin to realize that it’s not all cupcakes and rainbows, awesome, because that’s how I started to understand how things really work.
And we’re both stubborn, so we do fight more often than some people, I suppose. We’re learning, and we’re trying.
My blog is a tiny slice of my life, and it’s written with a specific audience in mind, so I’m really seriously honestly touched by the periodic comments I get wondering whether I’m considering that this could be a mistake — the blogosphere is filled with fantastic and caring women.
Oh, yea, and this is a four part series about one fight. Doing it all in one post was just too long, so I broke it up. I can barely handle 24 hours of discomfort; I would have never stopped crying if it had lasted this long!!
@mary-alice-me: Moving on isn’t being dishonest, which is what I fear. I abhor “faking it” on anything, so pretending that everything’s okay is what it feels like to me. Instead, I take a deep breath, remind myself that if I trust him with my fidelity, I can trust him with my feelings, and then decide to have faith that it will be better next time. And then I smile and do something normal. I’ve accepted that “moving on” feels like “faking it” to me for the first few minutes, but then it really is all right. Make sense? I know my process so I try to accept it.
You might just have trouble letting anger go. When someone apologizes you have to give up anger. And for some that’s tough, as anger is the emotion many rely on to keep hurt away. That moment without anger, before you have bridged to the, hey I’m not getting hurt any more stage, may feel really dangerous to you.
@LisaAnn: I think it’s obvious that you’ve never been engaged or married.
It’s a pretty common experience to fight with your fiance for the duration of an engagement, even if you never used to fight when you were dating. The stakes are raised so high once you decide to get married, and there’s a lot of tension and fear floating around, both about the relationship and the wedding itself.
My husband and I did not fight before we decided to get married; then we went through a phase where everything set me off. Since the wedding, we’ve had some small fights, but nothing nearly as explosive as anything we did while engaged.
@JO - Wrong. I am engaged and have been living with my fiance for a year. We just get along really well. When we do fight, it’s never a big blowout.
However, I’ve been in previous relationships that were explosive in terms of fighting. Which is how I knew that we weren’t right together.
@LisaAnn: Fair enough, but you should know that you’re a minority.
Besides which, didn’t you feel a little crappy when I suggested you’d never been engaged or married? That’s how the rest of us feel when you make “observations” like that. It’s rude.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer Engagement Date: July 31, 2008 Wedding Date: May, 2009 Blogging Since: October 16, 2008 Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 31 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
Latest Gallery Pics