Wedding Blog

I was finally holding hands with my husband-to-be, after having just dealt with two very long minutes of wedding ring drama. Our lovely officiant, Natalie Kita of SoulMates, addressed the room with a confident, booming voice. I will be including the transcript of what was said in italics. Keep in mind she didn’t actually say, “Mr. and Ms. Candy Corn,” since that would’ve majorly confused most of our guests.

“Welcome everyone. I want to begin by thanking you all, on behalf of Mr. and Ms. Candy Corn, for being here to share this wonderful day with them. They would like all of you, their family and friends, to understand that you mean the world to them and that your presence here makes their happiness complete.”



“We are here today because two people met and something special happened. You can call it love at first sight, call it fate, call it a chemical reaction, but they call it the reason for living. It isn’t a surprise to those of you that have known Ms. and Mr. Candy Corn since the beginning that they decided to marry. In fact, it is obvious to anyone who has spent time around them that they are two people who love to be in each other’s company, because that is when they are the happiest and most complete.”

My heart was absolutely racing at this point and I was grinning from ear to ear at the thought of being married to my first and only love of my life. At the same time, I couldn’t help but think, oh god, everyone is looking at my arse. Maybe I shouldn’t have had all of those donuts this morning (psh, they were totally worth it).

“Mr. and Ms. Candy Corn—this day is all about your love and your commitment to one another. Yet the commitment you are making here today is not actually a new one, because the promises you will make here before all of us have already been made in your hearts. You have already shared so much in the six years you’ve known each other. You’ve laughed together in moments of joy, and comforted and supported each other through times of struggle and sorrow. In a very real way, you’ve grown up together. In fact, you have already been to one another everything you are committing to be here today: friend and beloved, consoler and confidant, partner and co-conspirator.”

I think Mr. Candy Corn’s guilty, muppet-esque reaction above was his response to Natalie saying that we had comforted and supported each other through times of struggle and sorrow. I’m giving him a yes-that’s-right-honey-I-am-always-right-because-I-have-a-wookie-and-you-don’t face.

“However, although your love and commitment to each other is not new today, this day is nonetheless special. Because today is the day that you will enter into the deepest of commitments with one another before the people who are most dear to you. Just as this marriage will bind Mr. and Ms. Candy Corn to one another, we also celebrate the unification of the families. Before each of you there is a vase of sand. Each vase represents the separate journeys you once were on. They also represent your own sets of friends and families that before today were separate.”

I kept squeezing Mr. Candy Corn’s hand, kind of as a secret Morse code way of saying “Holy crap, we’re about to officially be lovahs!!” I was a bit nervous about the sand ceremony because it was more complicated than a unity candle, but since flames and ancient artifacts don’t exactly mix, it was a swell substitute.



“And so, I would like to invite the women who gave the bride and groom life–their mothers–to please come forward and join us here, where each will pour sand into her own child’s vase to represent their gift of life, as well as their wonderful contributions to the lives of this bride and this groom.”

The moms came up to the table and did their thing, which was basically pouring a vial of wedding colored-sand into our larger vases.

“As the mothers pour their sand, we are reminded that though we are all different people, it is our individuality which adds a unique color to the tapestry of the family.”

While I was watching my mom pour her sand, I wasn’t thinking about the tapestry of our family, I was obsessing over the fact that I hadn’t taken the damn price tag off the bottom of the vial! It’s amazing that I worried about such minute details at the time, because looking back on it now I couldn’t care less! I definitely should’ve taken some muscle relaxers à la Sixteen Candles, considering how spazzy I am normally.

I was thoroughly impressed with how stylish our moms were. Thank goodness they avoided the First Lady look (although I wouldn’t have minded seeing Obama Mama fashions, considering how ridonkulously gorgeous Michelle is!).

I greeted my mom with the widest, most animated hug I could muster, which resulted in a flurry of chuckles. She was such a cute snuffle bunny, trying not to cry, which made me want to get all blubbery, but I had flashbacks of when my super fabulous makeup artist gave me a “don’t cry or you’ll ruin your face” pep talk (she was nicer of course, I’m just paraphrasing). There were several moments during the ceremony when I turned to my mom and mouthed “STOP CRYING” in a sassy manner, because it was making me all verklempt hearing her sniffles behind me (darn you mom for having emotions!!!!!!!!).

“Next I’d like for Mr. and Ms. Candy Corn to take turns pouring their sand into the vase, showing that their marriage is the foundation of the new family created here today out of two.”

I realize that not every guy is accustomed to sand ceremonies, which is why I gave Mr. Candy Corn a practice run beforehand with handy dandy invisible sand. He swore up and down that he understood the concept, but when the time came, he poured the teensiest bit of blue sand into the vase. I mumbled at him about how he should pour more so we don’t take all day, and he proceeded to giggle while pouring Polly Pocket-sized amounts of sand. I playfully mocked him by impersonating how he was shaking and pouring, which looked kind of perverse upon closer inspection of our wedding video. Did I mention I did a Vanna White “Let’s turn letters!” gesture at the beginning of the pouring process? Le sigh. Vannamania got the best of me.

“The two colors of sand will mix together and symbolize their bond of love and respect that can never be separated. The blending of the sand represents the coming together of your friends and family, through your marriage, into one.”

I probably should’ve made a funnel of some sort to pour the sand into, considering every time it was my turn to pour, I had to put out my arm and mentally say, “steeaaaaaaaaaaaady,” as my face developed at least three chins.

Who knows why I decided it would be a good idea to make a sad, puppy dog face at the time. I can’t explain my facial expressions, they just take over and do what they want with me. My hands were shaking like Beyoncé’s booty, and every so often I would hold out my hand and thrash it around to not-so-cleverly convey to Mr. Candy Corn and our guests that I was wetting my pants (mentally, not physically, thank god… I SO would not want to go down in history as being a Fergalicious bride).

“As the sand is blended into one vase, your once solitary journeys will now be one of companionship, as you walk a single path together toward your future.”

As we were pouring the sand in together, Mr. Candy Corn clanked into the middle vase and spilled sand on the table, which caused both of us to make our “eeeeeep!” faces and burst out in laughter. I just kept thinking to myself, ’soon you will be married and get to eat tons wedding cake. Deep breaths. Wax on, wax off.’

Here’s the video of the opening remarks and sand ceremony, where you can witness me dancing in place, hopping and shaking out my nervous jitters! I apologize that I don’t have enough video editing savvy to bleep out our names (there goes my not-so-secret confection identity)!Next up: A hilarious reading of Sandol Stoddard Warburg’s “I Like You” from my brother.

Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Bachelorette Party (Rated PG-13 For Brief Chocolate Nudity)
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Our Rehearsal Dinner (The Last Supper As A Single Lady!)
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Bridal Bouffants and Blushing Bridesmaids and Boobie Grabbing! Oh, My!
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Girlies Get Gussied Up
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Girls Hitch A Ride In A Limo!
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Guys Get Ready At The Museum
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Fun & Formal Shots Of The Gals
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: A Bridal Blunder Like No Other

All photos by the fantastic duo: Laura Kicey & Michael Alan Goldberg!!!