Wedding Blog
It’s finally time to discuss the biggest wedding decision we had to make. In this post, you get to find out how our wedding became a non-wedding.
Mr. Mary Jane and I discussed marriage and wedding immensely in the weeks before and after the proposal. We found that we really had three options for how to celebrate our day:
1 - Go All Out
2 - Budget Country/Picnic Wedding
3 - City Hall
Option one was vetoed pretty much immediately. We’re paying for this, and that kind of money doesn’t just magically appear in one’s bank account. We have worked damn hard for our money, and a wedding just isn’t a big enough priority for us to spend it on.
Options 2 and 3 were tossed around for a while. We didn’t really want a wedding, but we also didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by not inviting them. The idea of a big party with friends and family sounded fun, but an intimate elopement sounded much more romantic, more comfortable, and more ’us’. And given that Mr. MJ’s family vastly outnumbers mine, we felt that Option 2 would look like a Mr.-Mary-Jane-Family Reunion more than a wedding/reception.
We finally decided to ask our parents what they thought. Both of our sets of parents were married in their local courthouses with minimal amounts of guests. They were supportive of our desire to do the same. Option three also allowed us to get married sooner, which was important to us. (We did not want to have a big wedding in the middle of a school semester, so Options 1 and 2 would have had to be pushed off ’til next summer.)
So, Option 3 it was. The hardest part of all of this was deciding who to invite. We didn’t want to entirely elope because we thought our parents would want to be there. Mine live far away, but they definitely wanted to attend, even for just a tiny affair. Mr. Mary Jane’s live close. So with his siblings, that’s 6 guests. Perfect. But what about grandparents? Mr. MJ’s only live a few miles away. But if they were invited, we’d have to invite mine, who are spread across the country. And both of my sets live near aunts and uncles and cousins, who would also find out, and would hence need to be invited to avoid hurt feelings. And if my aunts, uncles, and cousins were coming, then so should Mr. Mary Jane’s, and he has a lot more of them. Where could we draw the line? Suddenly we’d ballooned from 6 guests to over 40, and that’s not including any non-family friends. Some intimate event, eh? We ultimately decided to put our collective foot down. Just parents and siblings.
Mr. Mary Jane’s family will probably throw some kind of party for us, and we plan to visit friends on the west coast as well as my family around the country — all at later dates. These occasions/trips will allow us to have fun with our friends and family without forcing them all to come to BFE for 4-6 hours of expensive and mostly distracted/non-quality time with us.
Having made the decision not to have a wedding, why am I here blogging about it? Well, I hope that my process can help out some brides out there who are on the fence about elopement, traditions, and/or civil ceremonies. I haven’t found very many message threads or blogs on the subject. I want to show you [the internet] that a city hall wedding does not have to mean jeans and flip-flops, a surly judge, or a bun-in-the-oven (but it can! that’s the beauty of it - it can be anything you want!). I hope that ours will be classy, personal, and simple. Join me as I search for the perfect dress, deal with naysayers, will my hair to grow faster, design our wedding announcements, and work with Mr. MJ to plan the perfect honeymoon.
Was it hard for you to decide what kind of wedding you wanted? What factors influenced your choice?
[The sources for all of the photos above was The Knot - Real Weddings]
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Share this post: Taking Our Wedding Into Our Own Hands
Some days I dream of a simple ceremony at the courthouse with only our parents and siblings. Sadly, with both of us coming from the same town and our families knowing basically everyone in the community (and all of them expecting to be invited), that just wasn’t an option.
As a fellow city-hall-planning girl, I was so excited when I saw your new profile! The minute we decided to go city-hall instead of pretending we could afford a $10k wedding, it felt like such a relief. But you’re right - there are only about 3-4 articles/blog posts about that route, and not all of them are positive! So a big thanks! Good luck!
I am really excited to follow your planning. On a regular basis, I hear about girls who are doing a lowkey wedding, and I am excited to be able to watch one develop up close and personal. You’re a great addition to the Hive!
I love it…we have from time to time considered throwing caution to the wind, and going on an elopement and then having an awesome vacation…this makes me tempted to bring it up again… *sigh*
I love what your wrote and you nailed it on the head…a wedding can be anything you want it to be! We kept going back and forth too, esp. because we want a house…and even though im not a girly girl…I want a big, dreamy wedding…its not huge like 200 guests…75 at the most…but its what we both picked and we have a long engagement…July 2008-April 2010…and that works for both of us. Im glad you did what works for you both. Congrats! 
We eloped yesterday!! Engaged since last june, the wedding hasn’t been a priority. Already a budget one to begin with (5000) we knew in our hearts that all we really wanted to do was run off and do something for ourselves. The party in june will be awesome, but it is so fun to have this special secret with my new hubby (now wb, hehe)
I am so excited to hear all about it! It may sound silly to say, but I think you are really brave! I love the wedding I’m having (well, the idea of it, it hasn’t happened yet), but there is something intensely romantic (I think) about getting married at the court house with just a few people.
I love the way you think. My fiance and I decided to have a small destination wedding instead of a pricey wedding in our hometown. We are paying for the whole bash ourselves as well and we were afraid that we would forget about the real importance of the day, spend way too much money, and regret it in the end. Now, it can just be about us and our close friends and family. I can’t wait to read more about your experiences as you plan your trip down the aisle. I think that we need to hear stories like yours so that we can all keep things in perspective.
@Mascara - we’re from the same small town too and so it was really hard to figure out who to invite and who not to, ’cause we knew it was going to get huge. So we just said “NOPE, no one can come.” Selfish, maybe, but it’s really what we wanted.
@Heather - totally agreed.
@Charmaine - congratulations!!!
@ES123 - I agree - very romantic (in my mind at least). I am worried that our families will think we’re rude, but so far we’ve gotten nothing but support from people we’ve told.
@Mascara (again) - I just re-read what I wrote to you and I hope it didn’t sound snotty! ‘Cause that’s totally not how I meant it. What I meant was that like you, everyone in town would have showed up. But we’re such introverted people… we just really wanted to avoid that for our sanity’s sake.
I’m a firm believer that people find the weddings and wedding ceremonies that are perfect for them. I’m so glad to see you and Mr. MJ following your hearts, and finding your wedding - even if it isn’t what other people “say” you should have.
I can’t help but smile at your theory about inviting the aunts and uncles, then we should also invite the cousins, then have to also invite the nephews and nieces, and so on…
Our plan of having a 10-people-immediate-family-only wedding turned into almost 200 relatives and close friends. It’s also a potluck, barbecue style wedding. It turned out fun, memorable, and nobody from the family’s going to tell us that we didn’t even invite them to our wedding.
I think yall have chosen the right path for you, and I look forward to reading about it! I’d just like to say please be a bit more cautious about what you say about larger weddings. My wedding was last weekend, and while we had 160 guests, I felt like I got to spend quality time with each of them. Even just being goofy on a dance floor can be quality time. The way you described a full wedding as “4-6 hours of expensive and mostly distracted/non-quality time with us” kind of stung a bit. Maybe its just me - but I thought I’d put that out there.
The kind of wedding we chose to have actually was a VERY hard decision to make. We’re actually going to have a wedding unlike what we always thought we were going to have. Simply, because what we had thought of before couldn’t become what we TRULY wanted. Haha. That made no sense!
At the end of the day we ARE having a wedding WE want. Because it’s a wedding that is “us”, us getting legally married, and all our closest family & friends will be there. Which is what we wanted.
And yeah, elopement was never an option. Seriously. both sides of family WILL kill us because we would’ve cheated them the opportunity of being there.
@pacos - I would have been happy with option 2 or 3… 2 would have been loads of fun too, but I’m happy with our choice - his family would have made up the major bulk of the guests, and we can still party with them at another time (they’re pretty local). I have a really small family, so any large wedding would have been very off-balanced toward his side. Not that it’s a bad thing - his family’s great! But I worried that it might have made my relatively few guests feel lost in a sea of his family.
@Gerbera - we definitely wanted to make sure people’s feelings weren’t hurt. We didn’t want anyone killing us!! Happily, they were supportive of our desire to keep it small and simple.
My FI and I are also debating between a courthouse wedding and/or a destination wedding. I don’t have a large family at all and I think a DW would make for a nice get-a-way.
I am also a huge fan of court house weddings, and we will probably have one before our big party in Sept 2010. My parents had a court house wedding so I’ve always thought it was awesome. There’s just something so romantic about going to the courthouse and, as adults, deciding to make it legal. Maybe it’s the lawyer in me, but I love it. looking forward to following you blog! also, check this out for inspiration: http://lifelovelipstick.wordpress.com/2008/08/05/a-ben-chrisman-city-hall-wedding-erin-chris/
@Bean: those pictures and that bride are so cute! I’m with you, it is so awesome to think about just getting a cute white dress, going to the court house and doing it!
So you see, Ms. Mary Jane, I will totally be living through you as you have the small court house wedding I might have wanted and I have the big one
I’m so glad you’re here! What great perspective to lend to the hive. A courthouse wedding would have been right up my fiance’s alley, but religious stuff makes it impossible for us. I am excited to hear about your big-little day!
Hooray! What a wonderful plan.
You posted this at the perfect time for me–you gave me the clarity I needed. We’ve been around the world trying to figure out this wedding thing–first it was Jamaica, then it was my parents’ backyard, and now it’s our brand new hometown in our brand new home state.
Confusing!
Thanks for your breath of fresh air. 
I’m really excited to read more about your Civil Ceremony
I think it is such a great idea, the money can go to so many other things. I sometimes wish we werent spending as much, but we both come from traditional catholic families where having all your friends and family witness the marriage is important. I love planning and the fact that they will all be there, but sometimes I secretly wish we could do a low key wedding, just about the two of us. These feelings often come when we are talking about buying a home, which is getting put off for a year and a half to save for the wedding.
I envy you!! We wanted small just us, parents, grandparents and our brother and sister. We would have a big BBQ/party with everyone a few weeks after…. Well that changed all too quick since I come from a family of 12 and FH a HUGE family! So now it’s a small wedding of 60! (HAHA ya small) of close friends and close family. No extended. In our hearts we really wanted something small; however, this small wedding of 60 is starting to sit ok with me. I think more so because it’s a good medium between the big wedding we first planned and the small one we wanted. Now we get to have everything done in the same day. I guess all that matters is on Aug 8th, I get to marry the man of my dreams and an extra bonus that those close to us will be there. If I didn’t have to have 3 aunts/uncles on my side (mom insisted and she is paying so what could I say) that turned out to be 30 on his side.. I would have run off with just our parents like you are doing. The only reason we added close friends (to the list of 40) is to have it all done in one day and budget wise made sense and is still savings us 1,500. My was very stern on keeping our wedding under 5k, (not including rings, dress, SHOES, etc). My FH and I can not stomach paying 15k and up for one day. I’m sure I am rambling now… but I played out the exact same 3 options, (I even had a venue for option 1 booked). I think it is wonderful you are following your heart!
Again, it sounds like you really thought through everything. I would have preferred your choice, but we’re going with option #2. I think it’ll be a good time.
Once again I’m so excited that you’re posting about a civil ceremony!!! My FI and I struggled with the same decisions about eloping, big wedding after a long engagement, waiting until he was out of the Marines to get married, court house…and the list goes on. As well as discussions as to who to have present at our courthouse ceremony. We both decided that even though eloping was a very appealing idea my FI’s parents would probably disown him if they weren’t present (my parents on the other hand thought it was a good idea lol) So we decided to have just our parents and siblings present at the actual courthouse and then a reception in each of our home towns (smalltown Oregon and Fargo) when we were able to. I also agree that there is just something so romantic about a small intimate ceremony at the courthouse…but there’s still a smal part of me that sometimes lusts about the big traditional wedding with all the tado that I would want if we weren’t trying to plan around deployments!
I can’t wait to see your day come together! Mr. PP and I have bemoned the fact that we didn’t elope many, many times.
I wanted to have a small wedding. But unfortunately FI parents had other plans. The guest list right now is at 200 people! Like ES123, I too will be living through you.
I am another bride who will be living vicariously through you! I am a courthouse/elopement spirit, but FH was not going for it! Now we’re doing a big (but budget-conscious) wedding with a 250 person guest list. I will be watching your details!
@Bean - I totally love that wedding. If mine looks half that good, I’ll be a happy lady
@MidwestElle - glad I could help - I’m off to check out your blog now
@Newport Nuptials, and Lethie - Know what you mean. We were really glad that our folks were OK with this. Thankfully they each did this themselves (with no regrets), so they couldn’t really argue that it was a bad idea!
@SemperFiLove - regarding lusting for a big wedding, me too; don’t get me wrong. A friend of mine and I were talking about what we’d do if someone gave us thousands and we were forced spend it on a wedding… it’s fun to dream! But no one gave us thousands, and so we decided to use the money we had on something else (house!).
I can’t wait to hear all about your big day! You’re going to be such an inspiration to bees interested in or planning a smaller affair (like me!).
I’m so excited to follow your story, Miss Mary Jane! We decided on a super-small version of your 2nd option, a backyard wedding with just 15 guests (immediate family and only the very closest of our friends). We’re planning to DIY pretty much everything, from the food to my bouquet to the decorations, because the budget is pretty much nonexistent. I’m still worried that our choice will hurt some people who won’t be invited (like my co-workers). How are you dealing with that?
@thebackyardbride - We definitely have been worried about hurt feelings, and still are, a little. This is why we thought we had to go “all-or-nothing”. (Notice that the guest list totals for both option 1 and 2 were the same?) By inviting just our parents, we figured not as many would balk about why THEY weren’t as important as moms and dads. We are still a little worried about grandmas and grandpas though. I may write a post in more detail about it, if people are interested.
I would love to read a post about it! I think it’s interesting how the guilt can get you either way - you either overspend and invite everyone but feel guilty for spending to much or you stick to your budget and limit the guest list but feel guilt that you can’t invite everyone.
I love that you’re blogging about your city hall wedding. It’s a really cool perspective for all the reasons you described. And from the sound of it, you did some serious thinking about this and it’s what suits YOU and Mr. MJ the most. I’m glad you didn’t let others persuade you while you thought rationally though the entire process! Even though I’m doing an “all-out” [budget] wedding, I’m extremely excited to keep up with your low-key wedding! I think you’ll have fans from all points on the wedding spectrum!
I tried to email you back from your comment on my blog, but it wouldn’t work. 
But it was going to say:
Thank you! I took a little break from blogging, but now that we’re 6 months out, it’s time to get back into it! I love your posts on Weddingbee!
Awesome to see you here! We were planning a 30K winter wedding. I wanted to have it, but just became uncomfortable with the fact that we had no savings (until we started saving for the wedding), wanted to buy a house and that we had a 100 person minimum for our venue and I couldn’t think of 70 that could definitely come!
So, we canceled it, we are going to Vegas with our parents, his aunt/ uncle/ cousins and our siblings (15 total). Everyone is excited, so that’s great. I’m sad at times we are not having a “real” wedding, but this way, we actually get a honeymoon, can buy a house and that means we can have a family even sooner So, I’m excited, good luck to you!
oops, that was me logged in as my FI up there. I bet no one cares, but that would have been a weird POV from a male If he did answer this, his answer would have been “Heck yeah, we’re going to Vegas! I’m not spending all that money! Yay!”
I am really looking forward to hearing about your planning and ceremony, Mary Jane!!
Can I tell you how much I wish we went this route!! O know it will be worth it in the end- but I seriously can’t wait to see how great your wedding is oging ot be!!
I’m so excited to hear your stories! I was really happy to see you’re also having a small ceremony, because you’re right - there’s not much on the internet about really small weddings.
We’re having a destination ceremony in a national park in MT with 15 guests. And lunch after that, no reception. This is really “us” - I am introverted too! The only thing I’m sad about is lack of first dance!
Anyway, yes, tell us everything! I really look forward to reading all your thoughts!
@hana: I’m having a small backyard ceremony with 15 guests, but we are still planning on having a first dance. I’m really introverted as well, but I was insistent about that. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. I think we’re just going to use an iPod with portable speakers and do it right on the patio. Could you bring something similar to the national park with you and do it right after your first kiss?
I just got married a few months ago and had a tiny ceremony (our parents only) and just went out to dinner afterwards- trust me it was the worst mistake I ever made. I am SO depressed now that I didn’t have a “real” wedding. The day itself was a huge letdown and so anti-climactic and disappointing, and we had nothing special to look forward to. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the regret. It’s like something huge is missing in my life that I can’t get back.
@Jen: I’m so sorry to hear that it worked out that way for you. A month later, Mr. MJ and I are still intensely happy that we went this route. Especially having since been to other “normal” weddings - it’s helped solidify that the ‘whole she-bang’ was not for us. Perhaps you could have a first-anniversary party, or vow-renewal to help you rectify your disappointment?
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Mrs. Mary Jane, Grand Forks, ND
Age and Occupation: 26, Instructional Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Lead Programmer
Engagement Date: February 28, 2009
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: City Hall
About Me: I'm a career woman on the surface and a homemaker at heart. I love fast cars and high heels, and my favorite food is cake. Mr. Mary Jane and I are both full-time employees and students, and we just bought our first house. We love to curl up on the couch with buttery popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, and the latest Netflix arrival -- whenever we can get a break from everyday life.
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