Wedding Blog
I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I may have gotten a little obsessed with the impending engagement between the time that I helped pick out the ring and when Mr. Mary Jane chose to give it to me.
It wasn’t the ring itself that I wanted. I mean, of course I wanted the ring, in its beautiful sparkly gorgeousness… but what I wanted more than anything was to be engaged (and then married) to Mr. Mary Jane. We were so close. Sooooo close. And I was SO ready for the next step.
I tried to be a mature, compassionate adult about the whole thing. I convinced myself that I found it sweet that Mr. MJ wanted to be traditional about the proposal. He is, after all, a door-opening, coat-taking, heavy-stuff-carrying gentleman. It was nice of him to include me in the ring-picking process, which I enjoyed very much. I would let him do this himself, on his own time.
Growing up, upon finding out about something fun I were going to do in the near future, I used to make myself sick with excitement. I suspect it’s the same with many children, but I’ve never really grown out of it. Instead of a stomach ache, adult me just gets really, really obsessed with the matter at hand. Say, for example, Mr. Mary Jane and I had decided to get a kitten, but we wouldn’t get him for a month. I’d spend that whole month reading everything there is to know about kittens, looking at pictures of kittens, visiting kittens in the humane society, talking to kitten-owners about their vets, and buying cute crap for the kitten to play with when it arrived. I’d probably even make color-coded kitten-related charts. I like to be in control, and I like to plan. And when I can’t get what I want right now, I want to know when I will get it so that I can prepare. I have no excuse for this; it’s a flaw of mine. (And yes, I’m an only child. What gave it away?)
This surprise-engagement thing really bothered me. Again, I wasn’t after the ring, but it was symbolic for the next step to come. I was confused as to why Mr. Mary Jane didn’t want us to be engaged right away. I wondered how long I’d have to wait. I’m generally a “glass-half-empty” person, especially when it comes to matters concerning my character. I wondered what was wrong with me. Was he thinking twice about our future? (I have NO reason to suspect this.) Why wasn’t he as excited to get engaged as I was? I kept pushing the subject. I got annoying. I tried to get him to talk about wedding styles. About guest lists. I sent him links to wedding stuff. He was pretty tolerant, but I knew I shouldn’t be bugging him so much. I was being dumb. I knew it meant a lot to him to do the proposal his own way, on his own time. But I couldn’t let it drop.
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I got pushier and pushier as time passed. Valentine’s day came and went, but not without me wondering if maybe he had the ring - maybe it was somehow possible. He gave me a beautiful pink marquise ring for my right hand for Valentine’s Day (along with other thoughtful gifts).
I started to get angry about the whole situation. I am the first to admit that I have traditional values regarding family. I would love to be a housewife, I love when Mr. Mary Jane does manly things for me to help me out (even though I’m quite capable), and I love being ’taken care of’ by him. But this proposal thing had my feminist waters boiling. Weren’t we supposed to be doing this as equals? As a couple? Why did HE get to see the ring? Why should HE get to choose when to propose? It just made me jealous and mad. I felt like he was stringing me along, teasing me, or maybe even trying to teach me a lesson about patience. It was bringing out the worst in me.
What bothered me the most is that he had admitted that he wasn’t thinking about it much at all, most of the time. He was very busy with his job and with many projects for his classes. Rational me thought this was very understandable. But obsessive, anxious me didn’t understand why this matter wasn’t important enough for him to take some time to think about. And another part of me was envious that he COULD stop thinking about it. I couldn’t, and my interest in work and school was paling in comparison to my obsession with the engagement. Then a good friend got engaged and started talking all about dresses and other weddingy stuff. I was so jealous! But also thrilled for her, of course.
Mr. Mary Jane eventually had a talk with me. He put it very tactfully, but basically he’d noticed that I was being clingy and weird. If he went somewhere, I wanted to know where, and why, and when he’d be back. If he stayed home, I wanted to know what he was doing/thinking. I really wouldn’t leave the poor guy alone. He explained that he really wanted to “do this right”. He wanted to put a lot of thought in to the engagement and proposal process. He didn’t want to casually toss me the ring - which is what would happen if he was under a time-crunch to propose when he had so much other pressing stuff going on in his life. He wanted time to really think about it - to really figure out what he wanted to do. It was hard for him to get any time to think about us because when he wasn’t working on academic or professional problems, he was being bombarded with questions from me.
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I knew I was being terribly unfair to him (in my mind and to his face), and I really did want to give him a chance to do this his way. I wanted him to be as excited about it as I was, and he couldn’t have that chance unless he was given time to think and plan. I didn’t want this to be a sour experience for Mr. Mary Jane. And I didn’t want him to remember our engagement as a time when he finally just had to Give The Crazy Lady What She Wanted So She’d Stop Freaking Out Already.
He asked me if I’d be OK with him showing the ring to other people before I saw it. I asked a bunch of questions about that (Who? Why? When?) but he wouldn’t budge. Finally I conceded. Although I didn’t like that it might “spoil” me being able to show it off to close friends or family, he insisted that this person or people wouldn’t be people I’d be rushing to show it to anyway. I figured that maybe he wanted to talk to his dad about it, or maybe he was going to call my dad? (That’d be weird, I thought… and he actually DID call my dad as a matter of fact!) Maybe he wanted to confide in a friend. I chewed on those thoughts and a million others well in to the night, long after he was asleep and our conversation was over.
Finally, I decided to try to let it go. Not just the “who’s he going to show it to?” but the whole thing. The whole damn proposal. Just let it go. If he were to propose tomorrow? That’d be great. In a month? Great. Six months? (Well, that’s pushing it, I might get a little anxious by then. :)) I had to stop thinking about it. I had to pretend I didn’t know about it. I had to pretend it didn’t matter. I had to do this not only for him, but also for me. If we both wanted a special and memorable proposal, I had to stop second-guessing all of his activities, wondering if this could be The Moment, or if he’s planning to do it this weekend, or thinking that now would have been a great time to do it. I didn’t want to later be gushing to my girlfriends: “Well, the proposal went like this: I badgered and prodded at him until he finally shouted ’JUST TAKE THE DAMN THING!’ and I said ’YAYYY!’”
It’s insanely hard to stop thinking about a subject of obsession. My mom has said that she knows when I’ve got something on my mind because I pretty much stop talking. That’s because when I force myself to stop thinking about something, I stop thinking about everything. There’s nothing more important than That Which Cannot Be Thought About, so I just kind of clam up. Mr. MJ noticed this right away, the morning after our talk. He pointed it out, so I told him I was trying not to think about it anymore. No sense in being dishonest. He told me that if I was not OK with that, then we should be talking about it.
I’d like to say that I was able to successfully lay off and be patient, but I wasn’t. I think I got better, but I was still pretty engulfed by the whole process. He proposed within a few days of our talk, partially (I think) because he was tired of seeing me looking sad and withdrawn. His proposal was perfect for me (I got to be engaged to my man!), but I wonder whether it was everything he’d envisioned (if I even gave him a moment to envision anything, that is).
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To all the almost-engaged ladies out there: listen to me. Don’t do this to yourselves. And if you can’t help but obsess, don’t take it out on your man. Remember who he is and why you want to marry him so badly. Showing him your ugliest, greediest side when he’s trying to plan an uber-romantic experience for you both is not the preferred way to get what you want. He wants the best for you both. You probably proudly take care of yourself pretty well in most aspects. Let him have this one thing. I wish I’d done a better job of that.
Have you got an engagement or wedding planning moments you’re not proud of?
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Share this post: Confession of a Ringzilla
UGH… I 100% know what you went through. I found myself nodding my head in agreement during your whole post. I had scouted out rings with my FI in the fall of 07 and by the time March 08 rolled around and nothing had happened I was beyond myself. All I did was talk about it, or complain about him to my friends or push him about what was taking so long. Little did I know that he had bought the ring at the beginning of Feb, and although he had let my bday, vday and a trip to Mexico go by, he was waiting for the right time for himself. I had several nightmares about him not proposing at all until the night before Easter when I had a dream that everything truely was going to be ok. I called him Easter morning on my way to his house to tell him that I was sorry and that I would relax and trust him to do what was best for both of us and he ended up proposing that afternoon!
I think I needed so badly to know every detail that I was stifling my FI. When he finally saw me (the calm, loving girl he fell in love with) he was ready to propose!
PS… sorry for the long comment!!
Just wanted to say I love everything by Anne Taintor (your first image)!
I knew he had purchased the ring about 4 months before he actually gave it to me because he was so excited that he couldn’t keep it to himself. But, like Mr. MJ, he wanted to “do it right,” so to speak, and so I, too, tortured myself with wondering when he was going to do it and how. It was hard. But worth the wait!
I can completely relate to your story. I was the same way. I badgered and there were a lot of tears and wondering why he hadn’t proposed yet. In the end I think I may have rushed him a bit and my proposal ended up being him asking me, very nervously, while sitting on the couch watching TV. My guy isn’t too romantic so I don’t think he would have planned anything too elaborate, but I hate telling the proposal story to people. I wish it had been a little more interesting.
He had the ring for a year and had shown some of our friends and there I am thinking it’s never going to happen. We finally planned another trip to Maui and I figured okay okay this is going to be it, he’s going to do it. We had wonderful moments where he could have popped the question, a bike ride to the winery, a drive around the island where we had various stops, tons of moments! Nothing. So by the end of the week I was a bitch, wanted to go home, blah blah blah. Finally our last night he did it at the place we spend our last night every time in Maui. He said he had wanted to go to the waterfall in Hana to do it but some loser (me) forgot her tennis shoes and couldn’t go hiking so I ruined that. Even though I like the way it all happened I wish I would have brought my stupid tennies so I could know what he would have done and said.
I don’t think my FI actually ever cared about the whole proposal process. He’s actually very clueless about traditions (how????).
Basically he asked me to marry him (very seriously) from about four months into our relationship on. The proposal became a very casual occurance, and even after the 5930458909th “yes”, I still didn’t have a ring. I demanded a bit of tradition, and told him that we had too many other obligations to buy a “dream ring” right now.
Found a used set that I loved on Craigslist…went to check it out…wore it home. Done deal.
Looking back, the whole experience is actually a disappointment because I was NOT a “Ringzilla”.
I can totally relate to everything you said!! I remember your post on the boards about knowing he had the ring (before you were a bee!) and being able to completely relate to that too. I waited (not so) patiently for 2 months, and looking back I could’ve been a LOT nicer/less annoying about it. Thankfully, my fiance is wonderful and still went out of his way to surprise me with a proposal that was better than anything I’d imagined!
This post really resonated with me. Leading up to our engagement, I found myself very preoccupied about it - did he have the ring, when was he going to do it, how much time we would have to plan since I was hoping for a fall wedding. Of course, everything worked out perfectly! My guy said the same thing as yours about wanting to “do things the right way” which is actually really sweet!
Love this post. I felt like you peeked in my diary to write it! My FI knew 6 months before he proposed that he was going to do it and I knew at least a year before that I wanted to marry him. Each day the pressure builds and builds until I became consumed! It was not my best moment. In the end, he surprised me right after I had vowed to just let it go (er, I did have a secret internal deadline in my mind where I would again be crazy if it hadn’t happened yet so maybe saying that I let it go is an overstatement:) Awesome post Miss MJ!
As a fellow only child, let me tell you that if you ever DO get a kitten (or a dog for that matter) you WILL go through the scenario you described above. It just happened to me and my FI…and at times it got REAL ugly.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I was kind of the same way before we got engaged or even started looking at rings. My feeling was that since we’d decided we wanted to be with each other forever, it was OK to talk about it non-stop. I did the whole dreaming about themes, sending him links, all-wedding-all-the-time thing. He eventually had a “talk” with me, too. After that, while I continued to look at wedding and photography blogs, I kept it to myself. Luckily, a few months later we looked at rings 
I was the same way in my head but was able to keep the anxieties and badgering away from my FI. Now talking to my girlfriends about the whens and wheres? That is when I let all my anxieties out. And I have to say, I too am rather ashamed now. I think it would have been more of a surprise if I hadn’t been secretly paying attention to his every move.
I hate surprises….i feel so sorry for my FI! Everytime he would get me a gift for our anniversary i would rip through his room like a tornado! so since we have been dating for 10 years (this June) i knew the engagement was coming…probably cause i nagged him to death! and i was hoping he would propose while on our vacation so i would ask him question after question and he go so good about not telling me anything until we were talking in bed and he accidentally said something about the ring while he was dozing off! when he realized what he did, he woke up and couldnt go to sleep for the rest of the night cause he was so mad! to this day i feel horrible…..and we laugh about it now but i ruin the surprise with all my unnecessary questions! can you blame me?! i want to be his wife damn it!
I think i was VERY fortunate in the fact that I had no idea he had the ring for 3 months before he proposed! He spent about a month looking for rings on his lunch break and after work (he’s a mechanic so he never really comes home at a set time so I thought nothing of it). He found the ring and kept it hidden in his pants drawer the whole time and i had no clue since we each do our own laundry (which I made sure to point out was a benefit or I would have found the ring )
My point is, had I known he had the ring, I would have badgered a little. But the older I get the more I’m able to ignore things like that. But I do wonder what it would have been like had I known….
OH MY GOD. I think I wrote this post. And of course when he proposed…it was perfect. I might admit right now that I found where he hid the ring and wore it around when he wasn’t there. Maybe. But probably not.
sjpaek! That is how my FI spilled the beans too, in his sleep. He didn’t wake up, so I didn’t tell him he accidentally told me about the ring until after the proposal!
Ahhh you’re not alone, sister. A similar thing happened to me, in that I became frustrated that it was “his” decision and not “our” decision, you know? AFter many many talks I finally reconciled myself to the notion that a tiny part of me did want to be surprised, and I “allowed” him the proposal, which makes me sound like a huge brat (I will allow you to gift me with jewelry, sir!) but yeah…I know what you mean.
I can TOTALLY relate! This sounded soooo much like our engagement process… Miss MJ, we might be twins
My tantrums came during other people’s weddings. I really had very little interest in getting married rightthissecond, but when those save the dates and invitations to other peoples weddings came in the mail, I admit I’d hate those couples a little bit. Then, when the weddings came, I was a royal pain in the ass. If Mr. Peng didn’t treat me like a 100% princess at the weddings (he never did, how could he? I was looking for any small thing to set me off!) I’d ruin the night for both of us and make sure he didn’t have fun. I got sick, sick satisfaction out of it. But it really bothered the crap out of me when couples that were together for a smaller time period than we were got married… and funny enough, I had a really good time at the weddings where I knew the couple had been together longer than Mr. Peng and I… it was almost like, “Yes! It’s your turn!”
I was a royal bitch those last 2 years or so before we got engaged when it came to other people’s weddings Funny enough, I’m not really that ashamed of it either. I still felt like it should have been us before a lot of them… even though it’s none of my business when people choose to get married, and how far into their relationships they choose to do so! I’m just crazy like that.
Thanks for the post.. I’m there now! My boyfriend and I have talked pretty extensively about getting married and we’ve even looked at rings… I’m starting to get a little annoying about the whole thing and your post really provided me a little perspective. It is so easy to get caught up in what is to come (Heck, I’m reading a wedding blog already aren’t I!?) that I’m not spending nearly enough time just enjoying this time. Thank you so much! I should probably bookmark this post as a reminder… and maybe look at it each morning before I start getting crazy!
@Mrs. Penguin - I also had tantrums at other people’s weddings. When your are “waiting” for a proposal it’s very hard to be at someone elses happy day. I would end up ruining our night when we attended other peoples weddings. I think I ended up in tears at both!
I am soooo glad I didn’t know he had the ring (for almost two weeks!) or that he had even designed and bought it! We looked in Sept/Oct and he didn’t propose (officially) until Feb. 4. My birthday came and went. Christmas came and went. Our 1 year anniversary came and went. And I knew nothing. The only discussion we had was if we wanted to get married in September 2009 (that’s what he wanted) then could I start planning and looking since in our neck of the woods, September is the most popular wedding month. He said it would be ok after the new year, all along planning on proposing between Christmas and New Years. Due to issues with getting the ring made though, he didn’t get it until mid to late January.
So I was totally surprised when it happened. And I’m glad I didn’t know it was coming or I would have be just like you. I sometimes get super obsessed about things!
This is a great post - I am in the ‘almost engaged’ stage right now and getting very antsy!!! I keep telling myself to cool it because I don’t want to ruin it either but I can’t help but read into every little thing. I’m subconsciously (or consciously!) trying to orchestrate the proposal!!! But I know I’ll be disappointed if I succeed in my crazy game and he’ll be even MORE disappointed if I succeed so for both our sakes I’m trying to play it cool…
Fortunately for my insane tendencies we are not going to shop for the ring together so I don’t have that to push me over the edge (did he buy it? can i go ask the jeweller? where is he hiding it? should i see if i can find receipts?)
Hopefully whenever it happens it will be just right for both of us - despite the fact that I’m slightly certifiable…
:0)
Thanks Miss MJ!
Wow. We designed the ring, picked out the diamonds, and after that I really didn’t think about it. I mean, why? Clearly he wasn’t going to just not propose, after dropping that kind of money on a ring that the jeweler made absolutely sure to tell us was not returnable. In fact, I was pretty sure even before we picked out the ring - mostly at the point where he sat me down and went through his finances in great detail - that he was pretty serious. Before that, I had a lot of energy on the issue of whether it was a smart idea for us to be together long term - did our goals match sufficiently, could we agree on how we would function as a team in raising his kids - things that were pretty much deal-breakers for me. After I knew that he was going to ask, and that I was going to accept, I didn’t really spend any time wondering how or when. I think I just trusted that he had some kind of plan (he always does) and that it would be a pretty wonderful plan (they generally are). Plus, I’m not the kind of person that has any desire to know what’s in the presents under the tree - the bigger the surprise, the better, as far as I’m concerned. Of course, in our relationship, we have both always taken it for granted that he was actually the one that wanted to be married more - that I would be the one dragging my feet, or perfectly happy single, or somehow not sure. I’m sure that makes a difference.
First off, great post! I love how you write! Secondly, as I read your post I just kept agreeing and agreeing and relating and relating. I was doing what you were doing and also have reached the point where I won’t talk about it at all anymore. It’s a topic that as been beaten to the ground. I am just going to let him be. I know that it’ll come when he’s ready. And I frankly I was driving myself MAD!
The whole time I read your post I was nodding my head. Yep, did that and that. I would get so mad at FH and it didn’t help him that 3 of my friends got engaged right before he was going to propose to me. I was trying so hard not to be jealous and not to take it out on him, but I was a BRAT! :-/
My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 5 years, and I’ve been “waiting” since about year 2 for a ring. He’s always been adamant about not getting married until we’re more financially stable, which I understand to a degree, but at the same time, life is short, why put it on hold!
Reading your post felt like I was writing it! I got excited earlier this year because I discovered a diamond substitute called moissanite that’s super cheap and just as pretty. I showed my BF since it was so affordable, and he told me to email him all the rings I liked. Can you see why I got excited? He’s looking at rings! OMG!! Anyway, here it is nearly 4 months later, and I know he’s not proposing any time soon. He told me we’ll be engaged within the next 2 years, any normal girl would be like “WOOHOO!” Not me! I’m a major control freak, and I want to know exactly WHEN he’s proposing. So instead of harassing him with when he’s proposing, I read wedding blogs and plan my wedding on my own. Then I get resentful because I think “hey why won’t he marry me NOW? Is there something wrong? Maybe he doesn’t want to get married!” It’s hard to tell your head what to do when your heart is feeling something different. While I’m not engaged, and I know someday I will be, I’m glad to know I’m not the only girl out there that is anxious and obsessive about being engaged
It was so good to hear that not only me, but one of my friends and famly members was going through this… and apparently a TON of brides go through this same thing. I was baddd… I feel bad too. Kinda reminds me of how Kate Hudson was in Bride Wars! LoL
I hang my head in shame that I bragged, harassed and totally hassled Mr. Bruschetta with comments that I know EXACTLY when he was going to propose. I’d keep up with this nagging until I was almost near tears — because I so WANTED to be surprised, but just didn’t believe it’d be possible (since at the time we weren’t living together, and I didn’t see HOW he’d be able to surprise me with a “getaway” of any sort while I was still in my parents’ house). Ugh, I felt so foolish the proposal!
That’s almost exactly how it went for my fiance and me as well… In retrospect I wish I would’ve just chilled out and let it happen (not to say I’m any less happy this way) the way he wanted it to instead of pushing and pushing and pushing…
It’s just such an exciting time! So tough being patient when you know he has the ring….
Oh my gosh, you SO remind me of me! I decided March of 2008 that I was going to marry FI (we had been dating about three months at that time) and I told him. I started planning the wedding then too, as much as I could without actually being engaged. My family thought I was losing it, but I didn’t care. We picked out my ring in September and then he kept it until Christmas and proposed Christmas morning. He said he proposed then because I would be seeing my family and he wanted me to be able to show it off. But yeah, I hounded him for months about proposing and wedding planning.
When my FI was my BF, he told me that the proposal is the ONE thing he gets to control. I picked out the ring, gave him sizes i liked, etc….I just tried to think about everything else and not send him to the “how to propose in a way she’ll love” websites!!!! Now that the proposal has come and gone about a year, it’s a sweet tender moment, but it isn’t the basis for everything!
Thank you for reminding me why its important to chill out. Its so hard to do, but clearly so important.
dude, i do the same thing! i am not allowed to know that i’m getting something without being told what because i will drive myself and everyone near me crazy with my excitement and anticipation and eventually the big let down because my imagination is quite wild.
never mind the fact that i get nosey as all heck once i catch wind of a surprise. i don’t know why but i get the urge to investigate. i have ruined many a surprise that way.
so this whole engagement thing has been a real test of my patience. sigh. some days i’m okay and others not so much. this is why i told the bf to be extremely careful who he tells his proposal plans to lest i figure something out.
Ladies, glad to see I wasn’t alone! We’re such jerks, aren’t we!!
@Suzanno - wow. You’re awesome! It sounds like you were able to keep in mind what was really important, and that is excellent. You’re definitely a better role model for other fiancees-to-be than I was.
I don’t know, I don’t agree that it’s the bride that’s acting badly in these situations. If you’re being traditional, the guy gets to propose yes, but the girl gets to say no, maybe, or yes. If the guy gets to know that the answer is yes… that’s basically him cheating. He get to skip all the stress that’s supposed to be on his side because he doesn’t have to worry about her response (but keeps the stress on the girl). On the other hand if there is a discussion and mutual agreement… I don’t understand why girls freak out (but respect it) because then it’s certain and I consider the couple engaged because they have agreed to marry, the ring is simply a symbol. Now, I have nothing against a nice romantic moment but if the guy knows he is causing the girl stress and unhappiness? To drag it out? Is mean and inconsiderate (and you’re free to think I’m petty but I’d probably answer maybe at best in those circumstances).
This is 100% me right now. I feel like I’m reading a page out of my diary.
We went ring shopping about 1.5 months ago and we’ve been talking about it for almost one whole year. I have planned and planned and planned. I have folders on the home pc and tonnes of emails with ideas. I’ve contacted potential locations, vendors, and have picked out my dress and bridesmaid dresses.
We live together and I am the CFO of our household. The worst part of this is that I’ll know exactly when he buys the ring.
I’m trying not to talk about it all the time. I’m trying not to be a control freak. And most of all, I’m trying not to over analysis everything that he does or says to figure out if that is when the purposal will happen. It is very hard to know that it will happen but not have control over it.
On top of all of this, my boyfriend has an 11 year old daughter who is also beginging to get in on the ringzilla train. To the point that she asks whether I have a “ring up on it” yet when she gets into a car.
Thank you Thank you Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. We decided on Valentines Day this year that we would be married next year. I know he has the ring already- and has shown it to everyone in his family and even his guy friends! But still no proposal. Our 3 year came and went, nada. I’m a little dis-heartened… but I know he’s planning something good. I think because I had so much to do with picking out the ring that he wants something of the proposal to be entirely his, and I can appreciate that. I’m already planning though….. and maybe i even already have a down payment on a certain white colored dress…. :X
I laughed so hard at this story because one of my goo friends had this EXACT PROPOSAL SCENARIO
“Well, the proposal went like this: I badgered and prodded at him until he finally shouted ’JUST TAKE THE DAMN THING!’ and I said ’YAYYY!’”
Literally, word. for. word.
she told me this story, told me to be patient, that I didn’t want a proposal story like hers–we knew we were getting married at some point and it didn’t matter when the ring went on my finger.
How could I know…..but I was proposed to just 2 days later!!! completely by surprise.
Wow…that was AWESOME! Thank you so much for posting. This was me…crazy, obsessed and no fun at all. It consumed me in a bad way, and it was only when I gave in, let go, and went along with it that it all went as planned.
That said…I actually am ashamed to admit that I snooped. I snooped, and I found the ring. And then I felt terrible. He doesn’t know…but it RUINED the surprise, it was amazing to get proposed to, but it took something away from it.
SO…ladies out there…DON’T SNOOP. It’s not worth it
I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one out there. To make matters worse my BF is in the army and out of the country, and we know we want to get married when he gets back, so what do I do with my time while he is away? Plan a wedding before I even get engaged. It’s a great way to torture myself
Wow.
Thank goodness I didn’t have to wait that long…and I’m glad that ordeal is over!
Best wishes
Oh man, I needed to hear this now! We decided last month that we would get married next year, picked a date, booked our church, and now we are waiting to get a family ring from my mom reset. I feel good about deciding together, but am afraid I’ll drive him crazy with ideas, etc beforehand (I like to think of it as research - like you have to do before a big trip, or getting a kitten!) But once we go get the ring from my mom I know I’ll get antsy! I’ll just remember Miss Mary Jane!
Oh and I can relate to you Mrs. Penguin!! Went to a wedding a few weeks ago and it was the first time in a few years I was able to be relaxed and excited for them, and not think about us…
seriously, where were you 6months ago when I needed to hear this?!?!? As I was reading, I kept thinking to myself :holy moly this is ME!!!” It took my fiance 5 months after we looked at rings to actually pick it up, not to mention he decided to drive me to the store, to pick up my engagment ring with him (when he wasn’t proposing), on my BIRTHDAY! Then, it wasn’t until another 5 months after THAT before he proposed… I completely empathize with you. And now, we are getting married!!!
So I just discovered you must be my long lost twin!! Not only do I obsess to the point of ridiculousness over things, and then when I try to chill out, I shut down completely, but I also drove my FI absolutely insane wanting to be engaged. As the wedding gets closer I wish I could have back this last year just to enjoy it all. Great advice Miss MJ!
Miss MJ, I love you. Thank you for writing this for you, me, and our long-lost twins everywhere! It actually just came up the other night, that hubby was mentioning how I used to badger him, and how he held off on proposing for ages because he wanted to do it on his own terms. I was only badgering him because he’d hinted at it before (cruel man) but I know I went overboard. But at least he wasn’t sitting with the ring in his closet.
My sister’s now-husband had the ring which she designed and they had made for over THREE YEARS before he proposed. Can we say “cold feet”? I would have killed him.
Thank God I’m not the only girl out there who feels exactly like y’all do! My boyfriend/fiance and I have a plan - “officially” engaged over the holidays, wedding a year later. we’re ring shopping. but I guess people (ie, my sister) think I’m weird because I have started the planning process. I’m meeting with a wedding coord. next week to go over budget stuff, because I have no idea. my beloved thinks i’ve gone off the deep end, since we’re not “officially engaged,” but i’m a planner, a control freak and need to know EVERYTHING. it drives me nuts that I can plan my life, have an amazing career but have to WAIT for someone else to put a ring on my finger.
Love that kitty picture, too cute. And, I am the same way, I like to plan ahead and know all the details of evreything. It was torture for me waiting a week to purchase the ring we found, and then waiting another week to get it sized and then finding out it wasn’t ready when we went to pick it out, I almost jumped out of my skin! Luckily, my FI was kinda the same way because he proposed the night without the ring!! lol…if he had made me wait any longer I would have screamed!
It makes me SO happy that i struck a chord with so many of you! I had felt so selfish and awful… turns out I am not the only one with these not-so-pleasant “issues.”
This is TOTALLY me!! I hear ya sister, I obsess like a crazy woman when I’m excited about something and it usually comes in the way or research/non-stop thought/on-stop chatter about said thing. I definitely harassed my fiance waaaaaaay more then any elegant female should’ve but I hope he forgives me!
I proposed to my guy. On a tuesday. While we were at work. Via GMail.
We’d gotten pre-approved for a house loan the previous weekend and had a date to look at houses the coming weekend. And I didn’t want to make a big commitment like that without us actually being engaged.
He replied, “Of course I’ll marry you, you silly girl. I was just trying to finish picking out the ring.”
His dad’s response was “At least she didn’t text you.”
That next month- we tried on rings together and he got my rings and then proposed a little over a month after I did- about a week before we closed on the house.
@AnamCara: I’m in the same boat! We’re coming up on our 5th anniversary of dating, and I’ve known I wanted to marry my BF pretty much from day 1. We were together all through college, and decided we’d wait until after we were both graduated, which took 4 years, but now that we’re graduated and living together, I don’t see much of a reason to NOT get married! A bunch of our friends are newly married or engaged, and I have such wedding-envy it’s not funny!
I’ve asked him to marry me a few times, but he says it doesn’t count if I ask him (he’s very traditional and wants to ask my dad and the whole bit), which is ok with me, but I just want him to hurry up!
I don’t know if he has a ring or not yet, but I know he at least has a center stone to use (there is an heirloom stone in both our families, so he’ll use one of them) and just needs the setting. I have no idea if he plans to ask me soon or is just biding his time or what! I’m just so antsy!
HA! GoogleLiz, I love it I love it I love it. And I LOVE YOU for sharing that. That is so awesome. You knew what you wanted and you asked for it. People don’t do that nearly enough. 
Wow. I have read Weddingbee for more than 2 years and you are the first bee that almost mirrors my experiences. I. did. that. I also pushed to be a part of the ring buying process which he totally didn’t want because he wanted to savor that moment of surprise on my face.
I was relentless. But, we had been together for 6 years at that point and everyone my age (who had been with their significant other for 2 years or LESS) was already married. I lost my shit when his sister (who was divorced less than a year) was proposed to by her bf that had been with her for around 7 months! “She is already engaged!?!?! I know you have a ring…And I AM NOT ENGAGED?!?!?” I finally said he HAD to propose before my birthday or I would be pissed! This is extremely embarassing, but I actually invited my parents over when they came into town on an errand and told him to ask permission so he didn’t have any more reasons to drag his ass.
I am not exactly proud of the way I acted. But, he truly did surprise me when I took a lunch break from work and it was completely worth it.
I’m so happy you posted this, because I acted the exact same way. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, I definitely couldn’t. Thanks for your honesty!
OH. MY. GOD. That whole “TAKE THE DAMN THING ALREADY” had me peeing my pants!! Mostly the last part: “YAYY!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is TOTALLY how I was with my FI. I swear you’re hilarious!!
holy moly, i am exactly at this stage in our relationship. everyone keeps telling me that i shouldn’t prod or push and i’m making it worse, which i know that i am! but i can’t help myself. I am also getting very angry about the whole equality thing and pretty much got into a yelling fit about it last weekend with my boyfriend then burst into tears! i am so completely obsessed that not only do i read wedding blogs, i’ve created my own wedding blog! thank you so much for this post- it really did make me feel better that there are others out there that feel the same way I do AND that have gone through it and are now happily engaged/married. I know i have to just calm down and be patient- but trust me i am anything but if i get my head wrapped around something! i think i’ll post my own obsession story on my blog as well. Thank you for the inspiration.
i can relate. two of my good friends got engaged before my fiance proposed and at their weddings, i was secretly fuming because i wanted to be engaged/ married! well, very soon after the second friend’s wedding, my now fiance picked out a ring and planned an absolutely perfect proposal. and we’re getting married this July. and i now regret being so anxious for everything to happen AT ONCE. because i always knew we’d be married someday, and i wish i’d just enjoyed the immediately pre-engagement stage of our relationship more…
I think this comes from being with him for ring shopping/buying. The same thing happened to me (deja vu as I read your post!) and although it was only 2 days between the purchase and the proposal, I was sick with anticipation and searching for the ring (yes, bad Miss Lab!). I feel you!!!
“I didn’t want to later be gushing to my girlfriends: “Well, the proposal went like this: I badgered and prodded at him until he finally shouted ’JUST TAKE THE DAMN THING!’ and I said ’YAYYY!’””
I have to say, that made me laugh.
We were together for 6 years before we got engaged. For the first 5 years I was patient because I wanted that romantic, surprise proposal. But the sixth year, I started to go insane. Everyone in my family and at work kept asking me when I was going to get married and I would bite their head off. It wasn’t until I threw a tantrum two weekends in a row and said that I was giving him a year to propose or I was leaving him that he finally said that we could get engaged. We picked out rings two months later, and then I had to wait a couple months for the proposal. I was going home to visit family and he waited until the weekend before that to propose. The worst thing was, I knew that he did want to marry me all those years I was waiting. We kept talking about how we wanted kids and what it would be like when we were old. It was just that he is the biggest procrasinator in the whole world, and that drove me crazy.
Yeah, I had a similar pre-engagement scenario. We’d already been living together for over a year and a half, and I was SO ready to get engaged. But he just didn’t seem like it was a pressing matter for him. I just about drove myself crazy with obsessing over it! He ended up feeling so bad for me, that he told me he was planning on proposing. He didn’t say when, but I figured it out (and found the ring), and I basically spoiled what would’ve been a lovely surprise!
Thank you for this post! This is soooo me right now, I can’t even begin. In the past year I’ve had a few meltdowns, was upset while being in 2 weddings last year, one for a friend who got engaged after dating her BF for 3 months (the nerve!). I thought we would have been engaged over a year ago when we bought a house together, but nope. It is killing me. I can’t stop thinking about it, everyone is asking about it and now my parents have started making ‘if you two ever do get married’ comments. And I know reading blogs, etc doesn’t help, but I can’t help it. We have the ring, I inherited from my grandmother last summer. I’m trying so hard to be happy in the moment, but I have at least one moment a day where I well up. We’re older, mid-late thirties, so the TICK TICK TICK isn’t helping either. I’m just so frustrated, and I agree, I don’t want the ‘give me the damn ring’ story, but I just want to be married already. We are already everything to each other without the title. Good things come to those who wait? I waited 13 years for him, and yes he was worth it, but come on already!
Just a little update! I wrote a response to this post on April 23rd and he proposed on May 4th! So glad I forced myself to use some self control!!! :0)
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Mrs. Mary Jane, Grand Forks, ND
Age and Occupation: 26, Instructional Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Lead Programmer
Engagement Date: February 28, 2009
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: City Hall
About Me: I'm a career woman on the surface and a homemaker at heart. I love fast cars and high heels, and my favorite food is cake. Mr. Mary Jane and I are both full-time employees and students, and we just bought our first house. We love to curl up on the couch with buttery popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, and the latest Netflix arrival -- whenever we can get a break from everyday life.
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