Wedding Blog
As you approach your wedding day, everyone asks you if you’re getting nervous. I wonder how they’d react if I said, “Yes, frankly, I’m scared shitless of the huge commitment I’m about to make. Not because of him — I love him and admire him — but because it’s me, and to be the kind of partner I want to be is something I’m not sure I can achieve. And sometimes I just don’t want to be a good partner. I want to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum and have someone save me.”
What if I don’t succeed this time? What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to? Bending myself to accommodate him/ us is tiring. Watching my words so that he doesn’t get hurt is tiring. Can I really do this? Do I really want to?
I often feel like I’m in this all alone… and by “this” I guess I mean life. I know that I don’t often feel relaxed or at peace or any of those other things that people seem to feel with their beloveds. I’m not at my most comfortable with him since I’m working so hard on improving behaviors that don’t work for us. I long to see him, to be with him, but I don’t always feel a big rush of relief when I do. Nothing seems to come naturally.
Will I ever get “the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe/ having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words”, or have I traded that for the proud stability of personal growth? I’m succeeding in becoming a better partner, but will I ever get there? Is there even a “there” where I can stop having to think and just be? I don’t really get to be 100% me, but 100% me includes selfish and stubborn and confrontational. I guess I can be 100% me, but I don’t want to. I want to be a better me.
I’ve been working on our ceremony, and this comes to mind:
Through the sacred vows of marriage
you are saying that who you are
and who you want to be
can best be achieved through this union.
Gulp. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to. I can imagine having kids with him, and this life is real — very real, too real. Before, I often longed for a different life, a fairytale life. Now, I see what’s in front of me, clearly, but I think it’s too much. This place is magical, but nothing about this relationship feels magical (if magical means easy). I swallow my instincts each day, choosing what I think I’m supposed to, choosing the option that works for him, and by extension us. When do I get to relax? When can I feel the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe? Choosing what is best for him or us is costly. I’m succeeding, but I’m tired. Is this how parents feel? It must be.
Sometimes I just want a knight. I want to be saved. I want to be needed and wanted and adored. I want someone to think of me first. I want someone else to figure things out. I want to be cherished. I want someone to come to my rescue. Unfortunately, those times seem to be when my beloved wants all those things too.
I don’t want to be a grown-up anymore. I have doubts… I always have doubts.
While you are two separate individuals,
you walk along one path together.
Your every gesture, word, expression and action,
and those you withhold or omit,
will determine the quality of your experience together.A good marriage takes patience,
dedication, humor, and forgiveness.You keep your love alive
through the choices you make moment by moment,
day after day, and year after year.
Through practice,
you learn how to love yourselves and each other
with devotion and freedom.
“Moment by moment, day after day, and year” after year overwhelm me, but “through practice” gives me comfort. “You learn” tells me that I’m right and it’s not easy. “Freedom” gives me hope.
Yes, I’m getting nervous, more and more as our big day approaches. I can tell myself that it’s about the tent and the street and the food, but it’s not, and the closer we get the greater my doubts. That’s my way. I finally know myself well enough to accept that this is my process. Before a big milestone, job interview, performance, presentation, I wonder if I can do it, if I even want to anymore. I accept it, but it still sucks.
If you have doubts, know that you’re not alone. If you don’t, then you and I are different; I always have doubts.
(Our ceremony wording started with this great book and was reworked until I felt the style was more like ours — direct, straightforward, honest.)
No question to end this post. I’ve promised to share my pre-wedding experience, and as much as I have qualms about putting it all out there, this is part of it. If even one person is comforted by the thought that someone else is nervous and overwhelmed and in doubt — and still going through with it — it’s worth it.
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Share this post: Doubts
You’re so brave and honest. ***HUGS***! Thanks so much for sharing with us.
I don’t have any great words of encouragement or advice - I just wanted to let you know that you’re definitely not alone. And you’re brave for “putting it all out there” 
how brave you are to share this. there are so many people who are thinking the same thing but just don’t know how to say it! You’re not alone, that’s for sure.
No, you shouldn’t be 100% “you”, if being “you” includes negative character traits: stubbornness, selfishness, etc. I sometimes wish I could run away from it all as well. But that wouldn’t help.
I don’t think you’re afraid and having doubts about the marriage– you’re afraid and having doubts about yourself. (Perhaps you already realize this, as I see it running through your post.)
You have to be more confident in yourself. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be divorced, so I can’t exactly put myself in your shoes. But you have to actively try and change your character to be better– that’s what we all should be doing. Striving to be better. And of course it’s going to be tough at times (maybe most of the time), but that’s the beauty of life.
I know you can do it. You just have to believe in yourself!
I have to say it makes me a little nervous about how challenging your relationship seems to be for you.
Some people may say it is because you are 100% honest about it or we live our life in a different way…but your way seems so so difficult. Are you sure this is the way it has to be?
When I say “life is difficult and tiring” I mean everything outside my husband. He is my refuge, the place I can be completely at peace. He makes me a better person by his presence, there is no effort involved. When I make decisions for us or for me there is no difference…. I couldn’t make that distinction. There is no choice I ever feel I couldn’t share with him, no decision he would judge.
I am cynical, non-spiritual, ambitious, stubborn, moody and so completely and totally happy that I can’t help but think that it can be so easy for me it, it could be so easy for everyone.
Miss Cheese you are so good with words. Thanks for your honesty.
I’m with Liz.. if you’re having THAT many doubts, are you sure it’s right? In most of your posts you seem to questioning something about your relationship. My husband is the one person I can go to when the rest of the world is crumbling. I could not wait to be his wife!
Miss Cheese you are so brave for putting this out there. Sometimes, doing what scares us the most is often what is best for us. Thanks for sharing.
I don’t often comment, but I had to respond to this - to thank you. I know it is hard to admit these things in a world where everything is supposed to be easy and happy and magical. I have a hard time admitting that, great as my fiance is, life together is hard, and always will be. I, too, get scared of the future, even if I can picture it clearly and am excited about it.
What you say about nothing coming naturally rings very true for me. Sure, we could be ourselves all the time, but it may well break us. We need to put in the effort to be the best of ourselves that we can be to each other.
And FYI, I don’t feel at all nervous about the challenges you face in your relationship. I am honored to read a part of the struggles you are - and should be - dealing with in such a huge change in life. Honesty is never a bad thing.
Tracey, Liz — thanks for being honest. I like honesty.
I’ve thought about what you said, and I don’t have an answer. I know that I’ve been with men and it was easy. Very, very easy. But maybe the issue is in our definition of easy? I could probably be as shitty and selfish and self-centered as I am wont to be, and we’d be together. Certainly he puts up with that. But being the partner I want to be has me constantly having to think through my reactions, because they are almost always defensive.
So I wonder if I was better off in the easy relationships sometimes… and I think that while they were easy, I also had less faith in them. I don’t know if that makes sense.
It might just be that I’m not easy. I’m not. I’m intense and I have high standards and a lot of passion, so I’m not good at go with the flow. I don’t know. I do know that the difficulty is by choice, I guess, since I’m choosing to be a better me, and that I hope to get to the “easy” you have.
Thank you so much, Miss Cheese. Walking into fear is a healthy way that a lot of people grow, but some of us are very hard wired that fear is a sign we should retreat. Marriage is a commitment about faith, and I have a lot of faith in you.
Miss Cheese,
You are courageous and always have been. From Twister to visiting Brazil and I’m so relieved to hear that others out there worry about commitment as much as I do…
Okay, I’m going to PM you to finish my comment on your post.
Regardless of where people feel their relationship falls on the doubt spectrum it is important to realize that some level of questioning is normal. To think something through is healthy I think.
I think of entering into a marriage much like converting to or following a religious faith. Can you ever really truly commit to something without questioning and challenging it? Only after putting something to the test and coming through the other side can you really know it is meant to be.
If you have never had doubts at all, I think that is a sign of a bigger problem, an unwillingness for introspection or self-examination. An honest assessment of everything about a relationship- good and bad- should lead to some doubts because forever is a difficult conception. But then hopefully it leads to a more confident and well informed decision to get married and spend forever together.
Thanks for your honesty, Ms. Cheese!
Cheese, I love your honesty. I think the fact that you can share the fact that you have doubts with all of us, knowing that some people are going to question your relationship, is very brave. I admire you for it.
I also have no doubt that you and your marriage are going to be successful. It might not always be easy, but the fact that you are making a conscious decision NOT to take the easy route, and instead to consider the beliefs and feelings of your future husband, and to make yourself a better person for you AND for him, speaks volumes for you and your relationship.
I very much respect your honesty and writing style, Miss Cheese. Everything is geared in this society to be “happily-ever-after”, and it is refreshing to hear someone be quite upfront about the innerworkings of their mind, when so many of us swallow thoughts like these. It is even more commendable considering you have already, and are bound to get more, comments questioning the validity of your committment, the durability of the fiber of your union. I have hope and faith that with this mindset you will cherish you current relationship and your impending marriage. Big congrats on the nuptials from a May bride as well.
@West Coast Bride: Aw, thanks. Let’s have wine together.
@xLailax: Please do. And thanks for commenting.
@Miss Cheese: That comment sums it up for me perfectly. You know that with Mr. Cheese, you’re becoming a better version of yourself.
That’s exactly how I knew that I had to marry my mister. He transforms me into the person I’ve always wanted to be, and no matter what doubts I may have had (or still have sometimes), I know I can’t be that person without him.
I always love the vulnerability you’re willing to show us in your posts, Miss Cheese.
Bravo for being so open and honest! As a society we tend to romanticize things like marriage and it’s important to remember the human emotional element. No matter how secure your relationship, there is that little voice that says “Do you know what you are getting into?” And how can you not have doubts when you are constantly reminded of the 50% divorce rate. Kudos to you for admitting and acknowledging it!
Miss Cheese thank you for being so open and honest! It’s refreshing to know that not everyone is all googly eyed and whatnot. It’s nice to know that others overthink and doubt what comes naturally to others. And it’s nice to know that it doesn’t mean you are defective or that your marriage won’t work…
Miss Cheese- i loved this post. I cannot totally relate to what you are feeling, but the fact that you can explain your emotions so well show your maturity and poise- so necessary for a good marriage! i too have been told my FI to work on some personality things- they seem to be similar to what you are working through, mainly thinking before I speak and not raising my voice. But he does know that my personality, at its core, will not change. When I really really need to, I feel safe blurting things out and screaming, and I know he will not judge me. So it works both ways. Just make sure you can be completely 100% you if you have to with him. Again, wonderful post, and good luck!
I can relate in a very similar way. Yes, I’m married, but I have struggled with myself being in a relationship — any relationship — my whole life. I am selfish. I only talk when I feel like talking (and only listen when I feel like listening). My husband is patient and kind. I… well… I am impatient and often times, snappy. These are things that I struggle with, obviously outside of our relationship, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, within our relationship. I know that I cannot say “well, this is who I am” and for that to be enough. I know you’ve touched on this in your posts, and I applaud you for it. It’s not always OK to say, “well this is who I am, accept me for it.” I think to be an effective partner, you also have to learn ways of expressing yourself and communicating that are constructive. Just saying what you want and what pisses you off and saying “well, I am who I am,” is kind of a cop out, as there are 2 people in a relationship, and you should be able to please your spouse and also effectively get what you want at the same time.
I know that my actions and behaviors affect both our lives, and my shortcomings are greatly highlighted when I realize how much more effective of a communicator, comforter, listener Mr. Peng is than I am. Emotionally, I am way closer to a child than an adult, and I often OFTEN often worry that it will lead to the demise of our relationship if I don’t learn how to effectively communicate as an adult… or at least, on the level that my husband does.
Anyway, sorry so long. I just want to say that I can relate. I know I married the right person. Sometimes I wonder if I can BE the right person for our (or honestly, any) marriage.
Thank you! To be honest about fear and doubt doesn’t show weakness; it shows strength. BTW: I love your ceremony wording.
I completely understand, I don’t hink that it means that there is anything wrong with your relationship. I find that my marriage is really easy when things are going really well. When I’m tired, and not feeling great, and the kids are being challenging, and somebody left the freezer door open for three days in July and now we have to figure out what to do with about a quarter of a beef that is rotting… I believe that if you claim that it’s easy to be loving and understanding and sweet all the time, you’re either a saint or really dishonest.
And sometimes the hardest things are just little things. I like my sleep. I run a couple of hours short all week. When my husband is worried about something, he gets up 2 - 3 times a night, and seriously - he THROWS himself back into bed. (Okay, maybe the fact that he weighs 100 lbs more than me just makes it seem that way.) But it has taken me 9 months to learn not to snarl at him when that happens (I’m sleeping here! What the h*ll is wrong with you! Can’t you be more considerate!) Finally it’s almost a habit to say, reasonably nicely “Honey? Is everything okay?” Almost. But not quite.
We have plenty of friends who are clearly 100% themselves in their relationships - and mostly, they are not all that nice to each other. Everyone I know who really seems to treat each other consistently well admits that it is at least occasionally a struggle. Everyone occasionally has the instinct to bite someone’s head off. Recognizing that, and working to treat your partner well, is going to make for a much better marriage than thinking that it’s your partner’s job to just accept you regardless.
And I think that part of what you deal with is part of what most people who have been through this once before, or have been single for a long time, go through. We are happy to find someone great who wants to be with us, but we also know that we don’t really need it, and that in a lot ways life is easier when you don’t have to think about that other person. Sure, life is also better in a lot of ways because of them. But it is a trade-off. My sister told me, just after we got engaged, that I should just be aware that being married didn’t actually suck any less than being single - it just sucked differently. I know people who are horrifed at that statement, but I completely got it. Because for both of us, being single didn’t really suck that much. We had great careers, lots of friends, made really good money, and spent both our money and our time any way we wanted. Now we have great guys to share our lives with, and we have to spend half our holidays with psycho in-laws, deal with dirty underwear in odd places, not to mention what happens to the bathroom, and how can you totally not see that stuff that missed the garbage can by about a mile!! You know, I’m sure. Mostly it’s really, really worth it - which is what you remind yourself of when it starts to seem that at this particular moment, maybe it’s not.
ahhh Mrs. Penguin! Exactly what I was trying to get at but did not express myself as wonderfully as you!
Miss Cheese -
I think it’s totally natural to be questioning, and so very brave of you to be trying to make yourself a better partner. Just don’t forget you. Sometimes our faults are as much of who we are as our virtues.
I find myself getting nervous some days and totally giddy and excited on other days. Sometimes I’m freaking out and I have an awesome enough fiance that I can tell him and he immediately calms me down.
It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who’s constantly over-analyzing, though. Thanks for sharing!
Pengy, thanks. This part really resonated with me: “Emotionally, I am way closer to a child than an adult, and I often OFTEN often worry that it will lead to the demise of our relationship if I don’t learn how to effectively communicate as an adult… or at least, on the level that my husband does.”
I really, really, really struggle to communicate when I’m upset, and I’m embarrassed to have realized that my reactions are much closer to stomping and wailing than actually stating what I’m upset about. Um, sometimes I actually stomp and wail. *blush* You summarized my worries very effectively.
I agree with Mrs. Peng! I can totally relate. There is something about giving up some of “you” for the sake of being “we”. That doesn’t mean abandoning yourself, or what makes you who you are. It is about making the effort, making the commitment, and realizing that “me” is now “us.” That is scary. But at the same time, what could be more beautiful?
Oh and Ms Cheese. I stomp too. And slam doors. Told you I could relate.
@august15bride: LOL. I have had moments where I suddenly see myself, and I’m stunned. I look like a three year old, arms wrapped around my body and pout on my face, making the “hmpft” sound in defiance. Yeesh.
@august15bride: This is so true! It’s hard for me to make that transition from “how will this affect me?” to “how will this affect us?” and realizing that all the decisions I make from now on will need to include Mr. Beagle also. (I think the same process will have to happen again when we start having children).
@Suzanno: Girl, how I love you! I laughed, I cried, I giggled… all while reading your comment. “We have plenty of friends who are clearly 100% themselves in their relationships - and mostly, they are not all that nice to each other.” Exactly. And the comment from your sister is priceless, and spot on!!
@Miss Cheese: I wish we could, darn it! Instead, I’ll just think of you when I have a glass at my wedding in a few short weeks:-)
@West Coast Bride: Yes, please do. In fact, say a special toast in your head from me!!
I loved this post for a couple of reasons. First I think it’s important to recognize that there is a lot of weight in making the decision of who to spend the rest of your life with. It should be something that you think, re-think, and think on some more before making that decision.
Secondly I think it’s important because it’s important to know when it’s okay to step back, say you need more time to think, and maybe walk away.
My parents stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of their kids. They weren’t abusive or even hateful to each other, there was just this distance there. It was like they were roommates that tollerated each other. My brother and I grew up believing that marriage is hard and that you are supposed to stick it out. And to a certain extent I believe that to be true. Unfortunately, it has also led both my brother and I to stay in marriages that were bad a LOT longer than we should have.
I got married the first time in 1995. I got divorced in 1997 and am now engaged to be married again. I can honestly say that I’ve spent the last twelve years looking at and exploring what I want and need in a husband.
My FI and I have been together for two years, we’ve known each other for seven. Combining lives and expectations is never completely easy, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be hard. I can honestly say that there has never been a time where I have looked at him (no matter how angry I’ve gotten) and wondered if I was making the right decision. Even at my angriest I am still 1000% sure that this is the man that I will live my life with.
If you can’t say that about FI, I think you need to explore why. Because I don’t think it’s that your lazy or afraid to try. Doubts are doubts for a reason. I wish you all the best.
@Serena: Thanks for the support. What a neat comment! (And you’re right… it’s definitely about me.)
Hi Miss Cheese! I wish that there were more people or bees on this forum (maybe I don’t know them) that are getting married for the second time. Because I do think that it plays into your doubts, qualms, fears, etc. I bet the way you feel is surprisingly natural compared to other ladies who are giving marriage another go.
Miss Cheese, thank you for being so honest. Admitting a vulnerability takes courage and I certainly admire that about you. It resonates in your post
@andriab: Hmmm, I like your comment… it made me think. Strangely, I’ve never looked at him and thought he’s not the person I want to live my life with, yet I still have doubts about the whole “rest of my life” thing… isn’t that strange?
During one argument, he asked me if I still loved him, and I was taken aback. Yes, of course I love him. Did I want to be with him? Yes, of course. Somehow, that’s solid as a rock… so it is a little weird that I doubt, but I can honestly say that I doubt everything. After I got the dog (whom I love completely), I wondered if I should have gotten the dog every time it got hard.
So on the one hand, I think that “hard” and “difficult” mean different things to different people, and I can say that I’ve never felt like I had to be someone else, only less innately me. I AM confrontational when I’m hurt, but I don’t think that’s a personality issue, I think it’s a behavior issue.
And I’ve never hated him, or disliked him, or not loved him… I’ve just wished it could be different, which I guess means that *I* could be different.
My first husband and I were distant, and I never could figure out how to bridge the gap. Mr. Cheese and I are definitely not distant.
You are so brave, honest, introspective and lovely. I have no doubt you’ll have a beautifully nuanced and successful marriage because of your thoughtfulness and self-examination. You’re so aware of your hangups and been through love gone wrong before, I just know you’re on the right path with the right person. Questioning it is normal. Its those who do not question that are usually blind to reality. *HUGS*
I don’t know if this is helpful… But I was looking at vows and these statements give me perspective on the challenges ahead…
‘I promise to give you the best of myself,
And to ask of you no more than you can give.
I promise to accept you the way you are.
I fell in love with you for the qualities, abilities,
And outlook on life that you have,
And I won’t try to reshape you in a different image.
I promise to respect you as a person
With your own interests desires and needs,
And to realize that these are sometimes different,
But no less important than my own.
B: I promise to share with you my time,
My close attention,
And to bring joy and strength and imagination
To our relationship.
I promise to keep myself open to you,
To let you see through the window of my personal world,
Into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.
I promise to grow along with you,
And to be willing to face change, as we both change,
In order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.’
I feel like these vows sum up how change will affect us- and how a couple will accept change and the differences in personal interests…. Sorry if it’s off topic slightly. It’s just a thought…
@Sparkles: I love this. Love. Am keeping, and maybe working into our ceremony. Thanks so much.
No problem. The vows are lovely I agree. I reflect on it too from time to time to remind me of why I am with the person I am with- and even why I let people into y life in general…
also a side note… Has anyone thought of changing the vow “I do” to “I will”? This seems to be a new trend….
@Sparkles: I prefer I will… in fact, that’s how the current draft of my vows read.
Thank you for your honesty, Cheese. Your bravery is an inspiration, as always!
I doubt both myself and him, at times. But then he wraps his arms around me tightly when I’m freaking out, or I find the right combination of words that makes him understand how I feel and changes his attitude. And I know that all our hard work and giving and sacrifcing is worth it to learn to be better people and a better couple TOGETHER. Being with anyone would require work for me. He and I have the same goals and dreams and even if we never get there, I want to be walking that road with him, no matter how difficult.
One thing that is very important to use to use in our vows is to say, “I choose you to be my Husband…” rather than “I take you”. It is so important to know that we have chosen the other person, despite all their faults, rather than just taking them. May not matter to anyone else, but it is big for us.
@Mrs. Penguin: OMG Pengy! I could have written your comment myself! I am exactly as you described selfish, snappy and I used to pride myself in telling like it is. If you don’t like it tough! My guy is so much better than me at communicating and sometimes I find myself having a problem with being in any relationship because it requires me to give a damn about what anyone else thinks but me! Just know you are not alone and it’s always easier to stick to what you know than to actually grow, be vulnerable and change those things about you you know are negative.
PS Miss Cheese your posts are so thought provoking and inspire so much discussion! We need to all go to a coffee shop one day!
@markyk: One DAY? It would turn into a week! We’d never leave! (But oh, how I wish.)
Miss Cheese-This really hit a note with me: “During one argument, he asked me if I still loved him, and I was taken aback. Yes, of course I love him. Did I want to be with him? Yes, of course.” It’s taken me all 32 years of my life to realize that just because we argue, that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. And that sometimes, a fight is necessary to solve problems. Growing up, my parents fought a lot. And they stayed in a marriage (until my mother died 5 years ago) that was not healthy for either one of them. A marriage where they both lost important parts of themselves. And I feared that for a long time. It’s one of the reasons why I’m just now getting married at 32-and I still have doubts that I may lose myself. I would love to be a stay at home mom when we have kids but I worry I’ll lose my identity and become bitter and isolated like my mother. Doesn’t matter that I have more education, more work experience, and I have my drivers license (all reasons my mom did not go back to work or leave my father after we were in school). It still nags at me a little. The logical part of me knows that I (or my fiance) will not let that happen. He wants whats best for me, and I want to be the best me for him. I feel like I am leap years beyond where my mother was, in terms of knowing myself and both my parents raised me to be independent and self sufficient. And yet, I still suffer the effects of parents marriage.
I know my doubts are both ok and valid. And I am learning how to deal with them and trying to plan the best I can to avoid the mistakes (marrying for security/getting out of a bad situation) my parents made. I also know that I am marrying my best friend, I am marrying someone I love completely (warts and all), and that we want the best for each other.
I have loved your blog since I started reading them a few months back. I identify with you because I had a marriage that while don’t call it a failure (I have a beautiful son from my first marriage) I did learn a lot from it, and would not be who I am today without having gone through that journey. I tend to get scared that I will fail somehow or my FI will decide he doesn’t want to deal with my temper or other issues and decide he’s finished. I went through that heartache once, I am not sure I could make it through again. While I do have those moments when I am scared to death, I also trust my FI and know that while I grow and make myself better for our relationship, he is doing the same. Because we plan to help each other to be the best we can be, I believe that with FI at my side, we can do that for each other. Thank you, as always, for being honest! I love your blog on here!
Thank you so much for all your honesty. It makes me feel better to know that I am FAR from alone.
I feel like I am about to start an adult life. I am almost 30 for goodness sake…but I feel so far from what I “thought” an adult would feel like. I have fears. I have doubts. I don’t doubt that he is the one, but I do doubt myself. My mom has been married 4 times. I say all the time “I want to be married forever. I don’t want to be like my mom”. I secretly fear that I will learn that it is not that easy. I am worried that I will fail. I am worried that I will not want it, when I finally have what I thought I always wanted.
Thanks for posting all your deep, dark, inner feelings. It makes the rest of us safe to express our own fears. We are taught to listen to “that voice” inside. I think because of this, we often freak out when we have a doubt or a fear. We think it may be a “sign”. I disagree. I think we are undertaking a HUGE commitment. We are goign through a huge life change. I think that it is normal to have “growing pains”. It’s normal to freak out. We wouldn’t freak out if we didn’t care SO much about doing it right and making it work.
Cheese, I love how brave and honest you are. I have doubts too and they are all about my ability to be an adult, you know, not be so childlike. Am I going to be mature enough to not always get me way?
@Suzanno: “We have plenty of friends who are clearly 100% themselves in their relationships - and mostly, they are not all that nice to each other.” I was thinking something very similar.
@Miss Cheese: That is a great statement.
@spraguebride: What a good point you make about fears. You’re absolutely right.
I feel just like you do — I thought I’d be more grown-up by now, though my mom says that that won’t happen until I have kids. I’d bet even then I’ll be horrified at the things I never thought adults did… pick clothes up off the floor and put them on because they don’t smell too bad (in my defense, to work on the yard… most of the time).
My dad’s been married three times, and with the bit of perspective I have now, I marvel at the optimism it would take to get married a THIRD time. I like to think of that as a good thing, rather than a bad thing, though it can certainly be both.
Miss Cheese I am touched by your honesty and for talking about these issues in such a public forum. I think so many of us live under this pressure of “planning a wedding” that we don’t take the time to reflect our relationships and the “planning of our lives together.” I have been with my FI for four years and have struggled and continue to work at being a “we ” instead of a ” me”. I think we have to accept that, yes, small parts of ourselves are sacrificed, when we commit to live in a relationship, and it is natural to morn that loss- even if those things may not be the best aspects of our personality. I also think it is important to acknowledge that our FI may feel the same way. A couple of weeks ago my FI went on a very rare rafting trip with buddies from college who has hasn’t seen in awhile and returned sort of melancholily. Not the type ( like most guys) to open up, I prodded him a bit and got a very quick ” i just missed my friends is all”. In retrospect I think it was alot more than that. I think he missed his old life and old self he had before he met me. So my point is that I think that is natural and healthy to miss some aspects of your independent lives, as long as you are actively working on making your “we” the best it can be. I think of it as one of those old legal scales, in order for it to be in perfect balance everyone has to give and take away the same amount. Of course at challenging times, one person may need to give alot more, but it can and should alway return to perfect balance. I find this to be one of the greatest challenges of my life, but like you, I love my FI deeply and am honored and humbled by the challenged. sorry I rambled, thanks again for your post. It really made me think and reflect.
Oops that last one was supposed to be for Sparkles
@marylizbeth: You didn’t ramble. I read every word, and it made perfect sense. I loved this line: “I find this to be one of the greatest challenges of my life, but like you, I love my FI deeply and am honored and humbled by the challenged.”
I hear that about having kids, that it’s one of the more difficult AND gratifying experiences, but I don’t often hear that about marriages, though I think it’s true as well. We tend to scoff at people who are willing to give up anything for another adult — like they’re weak or dependent or crazy — but to be in a marriage requires quite a bit of that. I’m very independent, strong (and a bit crazy), so I feel it very acutely. Your analogy about the scales is perfect.
I identify with so much of your post. I constantly have doubts about my marriage. I hate writing “doubts about my marriage” because how can I convey that I am 100% certain it’s right or else why would I have done it but also 50% scared and uncertain and wanting to run away all at the same time? Some people would want to subtract my uncertainty from my certainty and tell me I am only 50% committed to my relationship, but all the emotions we are sometimes total to more than 100%. Mine do.
My husband and I had a discussion the other night about some rough spots in our marriage. In my head whenever something is hard I think “Maybe this was a mistake.” There’s part of me that thinks that if I hadn’t married him so fast, I would have dumped him by now. But would that have been the right choice, or would that have been the easy choice? When I am honest with myself—that the real reason I want to leave is that I don’t want to have to act like a big girl when things get rough—I know it would have been easy (well, easier) to leave, but not right.
What I am realizing over and over again is how much this marriage is about me and my crap and baggage and not at all about my husband. How the person I bring to it profoundly impacts what emerges. I loved Suzanno’s line about many married couples not treating each other well. To me marriage is a chance to become a better version of yourself. All the kind things you did when you were first dating need to remain permanently in your behavioral lexicon or else the affection that engendered by those actions will atrophy. It may not be always fun to work that hard but it’s worth it.
I admire your honesty. It’s concerning to hear that you aren’t (or don’t feel) “needed and wanted and adored”. That is sad 
I kind of hate it when people say that your wedding should be “the happiest day of your life” because I think, wow, is it really all downhill from here? I hope it’s just the start of a very happy life as husband and wife. That said, don’t you think you should enter into the marriage knowing that you are needed, wanted, and adored?
Prior to meeting my fiance, I was in a five year relationship that was just wrong in every way. We fought about everything, every single day was a power struggle and a battle. it was awful, but I didn’t know any better. That’s why I’m so happy to be with someone who is so “easy” as you put it. And that doesn’t mean that we don’t challenge each other or disagree. It just means that when it happens, it’s over very quickly and we don’t really yell or get overly upset. It’s just not worth it. What is so important that you should fight about?
Maybe we are in the minority, but I can honestly say that I never have any doubts. Our wedding is 5 months away and I worry about details of our day, but never about marrying my guy.
Only you and your fiance know what your relationship is really like. But it seems like you have so many doubts. There’s still time to change your mind - a broken engagement is better than a divorce.
I couldn’t agree more with your post! You are definitely not alone. I love when you explained about the dog, I feel the same way: “Should I have gotten the dog, it’s getting harder” Anyways, I am so glad you posted this because I thought I was alone for a minute there.
Thank you so much for your honesty! I also feel like I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to making relationships work.
My fiance and I just did a marriage prep weekend. I loved it! It really helped us work through a few of our issues and realize how hard we have to work to be better ourselves and to help each other be better. I know your wedding looms close on horizon, but you might feel better if you could find a program you could do before you get married.
Cheese - first off, I love you If I ever make it to Knoxville, I’m coming to stay with you. A week gabbing til our jaws fall off and acting whiny when we don’t get our way?? I’m 1000% down for that
I can relate to so many posters (I did want to reply individually, but realized I hadn’t logged in so it took away all my replys - DOH!) I too feel like a bratty tantrum throwing 3 year old trapped in a 25 year olds body. FI and I have been together for 5 years and lived together for 2, and I have to say that I have learned a lot about how to better communicate and not sound like a total bitch. We used to fight all.the.time. We even broke up a couple times. But I never once thought that I wouldn’t do anything in my power to stick it out with this man. I finally had too much, couldn’t take the things I was saying to him (trust me, it was bad. not say he didnt’ say some pretty nasty things to me as well) and I told him I was done. Over. It lasted 2 days, when he blew up my phone with messages that we needed to talk. I agreed of course, came to his house, and we poured our souls out to each other. This was over 3 years ago, and I can count the number of real fights since then on 2 fingers. In those 3 years we have figured out how to communicate, how to fight, and how to love. He knows I need extra affection and I know that sometimes its hard for to find the words to tell me what hes feeling. And we’re working on it. Marriage is a work in progress - of course we don’t have it all figured out right now, but we have the rest of our lives to work on it.
Sorry so long, just wanted to give some insight to this. I love your posts, I feel connected to you in a way I haven’t experienced in the blog world - good of course 
I know I am a little late but I wanted to thank you for this post and all of your previous ones as well. It has meant alot too me to read your posts as I work through planning this wedding. It seems that often when the topic is about weddings and relationships in general people feel they need to speak of their relationships like evrything is perfect like everyday is a trip through some fantasy land. Well I can say that I love my future husband more than anything but we are by no means perfect. It has been a source of support for me to read your posts as they seem to tackle the wedding planning process from such a genuine place. Thank you.
I know exactly (well, as close as can be with different relationships!) what you mean about wanting to be adored/cherished at the same time as your partner. That was one of the hardest things for me to learn, and one of the most amazing things too, is that sometimes my man is going to be incredibly vulnerable and come to me wanting ME to be the strong one! He is usually so strong that it was shocking to see his weakness, but I’ve learned to treasure it. I’ve been told that the measure of a good relationship is your ability to be each other’s balancer (one brake, one accelerator, otherwise you’re either not going anywhere or you’ll crash), but I think that more than that, the test is when you both are in the same place and there is no one to balance, and how you deal with that.
Thanks again for your honesty!!
Cheese…as always, thank you for writing what many of us feel (in different ways perhaps, but still close enough for us to relate). As the FI and I have grown in our relationship, I’ve found that perhaps I’ve had to grow up a little more than I would have liked to admit (because well, I’m older than him….doesn’t that mean I’m more mature?) I’ve seen myself acting like a 5 year old trapped in a 30-somethings body and I still find I like to blame it “on just the way I am”. Case in point, I broke down in tears in Ikea b/c I didn’t like that he disagreed with me on napkins. Honestly, how childish is that? However, I think it’s the process of us actually realizing these things about ourselves that shows we are indeed growing up….if that makes any sense?
@tessabella76: As my therapist often reminds me, you can’t unlearn lessons. So if you’ve learned the lesson of your mother, that’s it, it’s learned. You’re done. You’ll never do that, because you can’t. Í’m definitely more likely to overshoot, to learn lessons TOO well, so I completely relate. The story of my parents was that they fought a lot, then they got divorced and everything was better. I was nine, so that’s as simple as it gets. The older I got, the more that became a bigger story, about not being with the right person and not being independent enough to have options… and boy, have I learned the independence lesson well. I’ve never had to depend on anyone else for financial support… since I was 16 and got my first scholarship. So when I worry that I’m depending on someone, he reminds me that I’ve already learned the lesson.
@Lauren: HI, Lauren. I probably should have clarified that I wrote this “in the moment”" — not long after a silly argument blew out of proportion — then chose to post it anyway because I really do feel like that sometimes… but not all the time. Right now, I know he loves me and all that, but when we’re facing each other, each convinced that we’re right, it doesn’t feel like that. I fully accept that these are my own demons and have very little to do with whether he agrees that we should mow the clover… but it comes out in crazy ways.
@MrsSl82be: YOu know, thanks. I have hope… we’re getting better and better at this, just in tiny little increments. I’m getting better, and I’m proud of that, because I”m not a stick-it-out-er.
Isn’t it funny that you can feel so close to a blogger? But I feel that way too. I read a couple of very raw blogs, and if they haven’t posted, I find myself wondering how they’re doing… too funny. And if you’ve ever PM’d me about something, there’s a good chance I’ve wondered about you later. In fact, I’ve been known to email commenters just to check on them, because something they said resonated strongly enough that they stayed with me.
It’s a crazy thing, this blog world, but boy, am I grateful for the collective support that happens out here. This post is a perfect example… I think, I cry, I think, I ponder. Its amazing.
@kmally: Ýou’re welcome, and thank you for taking the time to let me know.
@December: Exactly. Joe Torre (the baseball manager) was interviewed by Fortune or some other business mag in the late 90’s, and he was asked his secret. He said that it was his job to be the opposite of the team — if they were feeling down, he needed to be up; if they were feeling confident, he needed to bring them back to earth. I totally get that, because I always need balance. I value friends that can listen to waht I have to say and then offer the perspective that sometimes I just can’t manage. The problem for us is in the timing, and I’m rather proud of that, because it hasn’t always been that way. If only one of us is struggling, we’ve gotten pretty good. The problem is when we’re both not at the top of our game… things deteriorate quickly because we both think it’s our turn. Huh. I just had a moment of clarity.
@Lauren: Ya know, I didn’t really respond to the main part of your comment, and I had another moment of clarity when I reread it. When Mr. cheese and I started dating, I’d just ended a relationship with a coworker in the messiest and most public of settings (ya know, work) and then had an intense friendship with someone very difficult. When I met Mr. Cheese, I was so relieved, because it was all so easy. For the first six months, things went as swimmingly as I could ever imagine… more, even. Then it all came to an abrupt halt as we got into the nitty gritty of living together, fixing things, building things, and planning things. Life –regular life — was the most amazing thing ever, but our processes for managing and planning are SO different. Thank you. You helped me remember that it’s not Always That Hard All The Time. It just feels that way because every darned thing we do involves plans and money: two houses, one wedding (at home), honeymoon, etc. It’s like when work sucks because for a brief period, all you do is focus on one thing. Huh.
Cheese, your post was so profound, your basically the only reason I follow Weddingbee these days (no offense to all the other rocking bees!) As someone going through a divorce right now, the fact that I didn’t doubt or question my wedding I can see now was my complete disassociation from the situation. My ex-H and I had grown so apart, that I became apathetic with the situation and figured that it was like this for everyone I knew. And because I never shared what was going on with my friends and family, because subconsciously I KNEW what was happening wasn’t right, I never got some much needed outside perspective. I don’t know that people can understand what your talking about if they’ve never had a marriage end but I totally get what your saying and know that when I get involved with someone again and remarry that I will not be the bride I was this first time. I’ll question and ponder and really struggle with making the decision out of fear that I will repeat my mistakes again. That if this doesn’t work AGAIN I’ll be considered a failure. I pray every night that I will be open to love again and realize that what my ex did (cheat on me during our engagement and leading up to our seperation, 2 months after our wedding… by the way I didn’t know) is not what a good, no GREAT man would do. And the fact that you have treaded back into the waters of marriage lightly, thoughtfully should be commended, not questioned. I wish you nothing but the best Cheese…. your a remarkable person and you and FI I am sure will grow together and both become better people!
xoxo… and vodka!
@mrsjl09: That seems to be a common thread amongst the women with whom I’ve spoken who divorced or were in marriages they shoudln’t have been in (different situations): they didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything when I was married the first time. I had friends, but none to whom I would confess what I felt were my secrets. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say, was afraid they’d think less of me. Now, as you can read (ha), I’m more honest than most because I’ve never gotten anything but goodness out of it. Take this post. I really, seriously, truly almost deleted it, then when I published, almost begged the WB-ers to take it down. I didn’t know what you all would say, didn’t know if I’d be greeted by a chorus of people telling me to run. Because you only see a slice of my life, everything gets augmented, and sometimes I wonder if that’s fair… but I do it because nothing but good comes from honesty. Really. Maybe I’ll confess that I’m feeling something and be told I’m overreacting, but that’s a good thing to know. Maybe I’ll be told that I”m not… also a good thing. So yay for honesty! And vodka!
And I’ll say to you what I said to another commenter — you can’t unlearn lessons. Never fear that you’ll make the same mistake again, because you’ve learned, and you’ll be reminded over and over again what you shouldn’t do. The real risk is that you’ll start to see any similarities between a man and your ex as red flags. The challenge will be really, really, really understanding your part in that whole hellish mess (which isn’t to say that you’re at fault, AT ALL)… and then if you don’t repeat your part, the whole darn shebang can’t happen again. You’lll need to reach out more than most because ofo that — I have. I made my two best friends promise to tell me immediately if I was being an idiot so that I could stop wondering if I was being an idiot every second! Smoochies.
@Miss Cheese: Cheese, I love you, your posts and everything about you. You have an open invitation to visit Baltimore, DC, England wherever I am and we can complain about ourselves and our significant others.
@Miss Cheese: I plan on initiating that plan with my best friend as well! She said after everything came out that I should have talked to her, she wouldn’t have judged but it’s amazing what you can talk yourself into or out of!
Cheese, I heart your honesty. I’ve realized that I doubt my relationship only when I compare it to what other people have. Or what I should say is what I THINK other people have. I get jealous when I see two people that ‘look’ perfect together because Mr. Gloss and I don’t -
I get jealous when couples seem all smiley and perfect and lovey with each other, but I know we used to be like that and we just have different ways of showing it now.
And a multitude of other things, but when it comes down to it our relationship is our own, I cannot compare it to anyone else’s and I know it works for US. It’s taken me almost 10 years to realize it, but I’m so glad I finally figured it out.
I don’t think having to constantly subvert your personality (good traits or bad) is healthy, nor does it bode well for the future of your marriage.
Everyone has bad habits that surface- your partner should be accepting of them, to within reason.
It’s one thing to try and break some bad habits, but having to permanently alter your behavior for another person generally indicates that you aren’t compatible with that person.
What does he do that you constantly want to stomp your feet and snap at him? Is working equally hard to bend himself to your preferences?
If I was having these kinds of feelings before my wedding, I would have called it off.
Can you really keep this up for the rest of your life?
@MizzDubs: MizzDubs while I think everyone is entitled to their own opinions, do you not think that Cheese has possibly thought about this already? And would prefer to just express herself without individuals saying her relationship (which she admits is portrayed one sided in this blog) is doomed for failure?
@mrsj- I just responded to the post as I would respond to a friend.
I was struck that there was a lot of “what is best for him/us” and “I can’t be myself” and nothing of “what is best for me.”
While we generally think being selfless is a positive trait, nobody can maintain that all the time. A dose of selfishness can be healthy.
@MizzDubs: If it were constant, no, nor if it was really about personality traits. If that were true, either a) I’d done the best job ever tricking him when we first start dating (and I’m not that good an actor) or b) he’d be pretty stupid, no?
As my therapist says, it’s all in rounding out the edges. 99% of my personality is pretty much what it always has been… since I was a little baby. Much as I try and wish, I haven’t changed all that much. I can, however, alter behaviors that make it hard to live with me. Things like immediately declaring my reactions (”No, that won’t work”) don’t make me a very enjoyable mate.
This is the other side of the coin that we often claim - that we dont want to change him, but we sure wish he’d be more romantic/ think of us first/ remember to feed the dogs without being told/ handle his money differently. All of those little things add up, and at a time when we’re planning a wedding, raising seven animals, fixing up two houses, and taking on side jobs and bigger roles at work, the little things can get overwhelming.
I do appreciate your concern, though, and I’m sorry if my stream-of-consciousness thoughts didn’t make that clear. I knew this post wasn’t as tight as most, but I left it because it conveyed the panic and freak-out I sometimes feel. Is it logical? Not really… but I feel it, and so do many women who have one month before their wedding (and sometimes before and after that!).
Miss Cheese thank you for this post. It is real and that is what is great to me. As my wedding day approaches, I too have doubts. About my FI and myself. Will I be as good to him as he deserves? Will I lose the independence I have worked my entire life to maintain? Will the little things add up after 20 years? As I question these things and many more, I remind myself that there is no sure thing in life, but I also know that I am ready to work on these things and at whatever challenges come our way. I have always been a questioner. This is what makes me who I am and it sounds like it is part of you as well. That part doesn’t have to change. Love is always about taking a chance and as I hope for best in our future, I wish the best for yours as well.
Cheese, you are one of my favorite bees. You are smart, hillarious and brutally honest. I love that you don’t give a crap about the WIC-y stuff that gets thrown in brides’ faces 24/7. So with that, I just have to say that if a girlfriend of mine — someone smart, funny and sassy like you — wrote me an email with your blog post as its contents, I’d be concerned. Really concerned. Relationships are not easy. If people say they are, they’re lying. But I just don’t think they should be so hard. Know what I mean? I know you were just sort of venting/letting off steam, but it still is serious stuff — and you put it on the internets for armchair quarterbacks like me to dissect. So I absolutely appreciate your honesty, but I wouldn’t be honest if I told you this post didn’t make me worried. Our partners are supposed to drive us crazy sometimes, but they are also supposed to complement/support and, in a lot of ways, make us better people.
Maybe you’re going through a rough patch — we all do. Maybe the stress of having two houses, throwing a giant party and doing big renovations is getting to you/your partner. I really hope that’s what it is. Big hugs to you.
Miss Cheese this post really resonates with me and I have a sense of what you’re feeling because I often feel the same way. I worry that I don’t have what it takes to make marriage work. I know that I love LOVE my FI and that deep down I’m supposed to be with him, but I worry that I won’t be strong enough to do all that I need to do (change patterns, thought processes, whatever) in order to help us have a successful marriage. I too lived in the fairy-tale relationship land in my head so something REAL is definitely harder than they make it out to be in books/movies. However, there have been 3 really amazing couples I’ve admired over the years and wished that my marriage would be as successful. All of them, and everyone else for that matter, mention how much work marriage is, but how it’s worth the work. Before being in this relationship I always wondered what kind of work they were talking about but now I understand. For me, part of the work is making sure to allow myself to be emotionally intimate and open with my partner and let my defenses down instead of trying to protect myself. So now, every time I start to feel the wall being built up around my heart again I try to think of all the little symbols the universe sends me to know that I’m on the right path. Whether it’s getting a fortune cookie that says “With a willing heart, anything is possible.” or thinking back to how I just shouted “YES” without a second thought or hesitation when he asked me to marry him…the signs (not to get too new-agey on you–or Magic 8 Ball) all point to Yes. Keep working like you’re doing. Remember that it’s totally worth it because you have a beautiful love. One of my friends has an old picture take of her and her husband when they had just one of those magically, fabulous days together. She keeps it hanging on her fridge so that every time they go through some rough spots or get in a fight she can look a the picture and remember why she’s sticking through this. I thought that was a really good idea.
Keep sticking through it and listening to your true heart…NOT your mind that takes over and blocks out the inner truth. It is obvious with your posts that though you doubt yourself, you are strong enough to make the changes you feel you need to and do the work to find success with this. You know what it feels like when it’s not right, it’s just shocking to find out how hard it feels sometimes when it IS right. (At least I find it to be!). Thank you for posting about this–it’s been really helpful to me because we never really hear about this part of the wedding experience…though it’s part of it for everyone to some degree. One more thing before I go and read my comments/thoughts to YOU… in the mirror to MYSELF! A great book about growth in relationships is: Journey of the Heart: Intimate Relationships and the path of Love by John Welwood, Ph.D. It might be out of print but it’s totally worth hunting down! Thank you Miss Cheese for your comments and honesty. We’re all supporting you and sending you strength to continue this journey.
Miss Cheese bravo. I really appreciate your honesty. I too am a whiner and stomper. My doubt about pertains to my FI health. He has epilepsy. So he is prone to seizures. I have witnessed them twice and both times it has scared me to death. It may sound selfish, but there have been times when I wondered if I could live my entire life worrying about the next possible episode. I know the answer is yes. I cannot see life without my fiance. Like yourself and many of the ladies have said on this post, relationships have challenges, and this is one that I am willing to take on. Again, thank you for sharing.
There are doubts and then there are * doubts *. I’m not the sort of person who could be 100% sure of anything; why would marriage be any different? Of course, I had anxieties about making the biggest commitment of my life. Of course when you snap or are short-tempered that it makes you wonder about the future, your fitness to be a life-partner, etc.
The real question is how you separate run of the mill nervousness from real, honest to gosh, you shouldn’t get married doubts. (And I’m not saying that you’re having the latter, Miss Cheese. Not knowing you, I would never make such a presumption.) I have heard people whose relationships didn’t work out say that they had reservations prior to the marriage. Or that while they loved (or still love) their former partner, they knew that they just didn’t bring out the best in each other. You’ve got to wonder when to listen to those voices.
Setting that aside, though, I find doubt and ultimate reaffirmation really comforting. In all aspects of my life and not just my relationship. I’m a PhD student, and I wake up some mornings and I just plain don’t like my research anymore. But I walk across the floor and I sit down at my computer. I keep reading and I keep writing, hoping that, as Annie Dillard writes, “the tide will turn and bring me in.” When you have that intimate, sustaining, reciprocal, intense relationship with something (a partner, a child, a dissertation, a job, a pet, whatever), it always does.
When things are good and easy (and if it’s right, they should be most of the time), you store away emotional energy and goodwill. Then when things are bad or even when they’re just blah, you draw on that. That’s the stuff that gets you over the doubts. You wake up every morning and no matter how you’re feeling at that moment, you recommit. That seems like the real definition of love and of marriage, to me.
I love this post and I love your honesty. There is (and should be) a certain level of wife-to-be anxiety. That anxiety grows exponentially when you are an Encore bride and wondering “if I couldn’t make it work the last time…”
I have tiptoed around this demon a bit myself but my future husband’s love for me and learning to forgive myself for past mistakes has gone a long way in healing old hurts. You can’t unring the bell, but you can change the tune.
Cheese, I love reading your posts!
I feel like I’m reading a daily novel of a girl who’s getting married.
Thanks for opening up to us.
Thank you for writing this. I thought I was alone. Everyone expects the groom to be nervous, but the bride to go forward blithely with planning “her best day ever”. I’ve felt like a freak for looking past the day and questioning myself about whether or not making the commitment is the right thing to do. Not because I don’t love him, or he doesn’t love me, but because I know I’m walking into this for life. And I don’t know if he’s going to like me much ten years from now, much less forever. If I can be the person he sees me as. I don’t have any answers, but I’m so glad to know that there are other people out there that doubt themselves and their commitment as much as I do.
First of all, Miss Cheese, I love your blog, and this entry is amazing. So often we all get distracted by the party, and blame our insecurities on the planning. These sites are generally all positive thoughts about weddings/marriage, and I often wonder where the doubts are (I can’t possibly be the only one!?).
I love that you are so brave to put this all out there. It makes me feel much less alone. I always feel like the only one reading blogs that has “doubts”. I really don’t give a crap about table linens or flowers…I just want to be the best “me” for my FI and for our future.
I was engaged previously, and broke it off bc of doubts. And I’m so happy I did.
But with current FI, I still have them (just different, more mature thoughts). But now that I’ve grown and learned from the past, I know that those insecurities will never go away, but they don’t mean that this will fail. Marriage is a big commitment…and I’m not afraid to admit that it terrifies me. But what terrifies me more is not having my FI in my life forever. So even though I might have doubts time and time again…I end up back at the original thought…I love him, he loves me, and we can work to be better.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t slam doors and raise my voice from time to time. And his love for me doesn’t stop him from giving me the silent treatment for 2 days. Some people might think these are deal-breakers, but this is how life is for us.
Whether I’m throwing a tantrum or he’s sleeping on the couch tonight, I know that when tomorrow comes, he’s still the first person I will ask for support and I’m still the most important person in his life.
Miss Cheese, you may think you act childish, and maybe in the heat of an argument, you might, but the fact that you are willing to post this proves that you are very, very mature. Many people heading towards marriage are afraid to admit they have any doubts or fears. It is easier to suppress them than acknowledge and address them. People don’t want to say they have doubts for fear others will tell them it means their relationship is wrong. They want to just say they met their SO and ‘just knew’ and leave it at that, like they are just passively along for the ride. While I don’t think relationships have to be hard by any means, I do think they need to be deliberate, full of conscious decisions, and trying to be the best partner you can is a worthy endeavor.
My relationship with my fiance is actually pretty easy, but I’m still terrified of some of the things that come along with marriage. Suddenly being considered an adult, being treated differently, fear that we will stop going out and having fun and start being homebodies, fear of having nothing in common with my closest friends… I know 100% that I want to marry him, but there is still a little bit of commitment-phobe deep down that struggles to keep the status-quo and cling to everything we have now. I do think (hope!) it’s normal.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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