Wedding Blog
My main motto is “let the family member deal with it”. For example, if it’s a problem with my family, I’ll deal with it, and vice versa for Mr. D. I’ve always echoed this advice to bees on the boards, but honestly, we’ve never really had to deal with the issue of in-law politics until recently.
What I failed to realize when I responded to people on the boards is that it can be so darned hard to keep your mouth shut! At least for me, that is. When family drama starts to affect you and your relationship, how do you best deal with it? I still think it’s best to allow the person who’s family it is to deal with the problem, but how do you deal with it on the DL between the two of you?
We recently had an issue arise, and I wish I could tell you all that I immediately supported Mr. D, never questioned his approach, and generally supported him during the incident. But… I didn’t at first. I was angry, hurt, and so very, very confused. I just couldn’t understand why everything was happening the way it was. I wanted to lash back, fight fire with fire, and stoop to the same passive-aggressive, childish level. But, Mr. D? Well, he wanted to take the high road.
The whole situation made me even more grateful (if it were possible) to be with my future husband.
I know it’s better (especially in the long run) to take the high road… but it’s just so easy (for me) to take the low road when others do the same. If there’s one thing you can’t do with family, it’s take the low road. The incident really showed us how complementary our personalities are to one another. Where I have shortcomings, he excels. Things that he struggles with, I’m able to tackle head on. I’m so happy we have each other to balance us out. For all our similarities, I (now) most appreciate our differences.
Do you and your partner balance each other out, or are you two peas in a pod?
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We SO balance each other out, Miss D’orsay. Where he is hotheaded, I am cool, where I am stressed, he is calm as a cucumber. Where he is organized, I am messy…OOPS, did I just admit that!?!? LOL I am with you - I wouldn’t have it any other way. :o)
Thank goodness my husband balances me out! There are many occassions where I would have taken the low road and burned some bridges. He kept me in check and handled the situation much better than I would have.
I agree that when family issues arise the person who’s family it is should deal with it. It’s tough, for sure, but if the non-family member deals with it, it’s like family suicide. You’re the outsider they don’t HAVE to like you and you can bet that they’ll never forget when she did X. However if it’s your family, they may still be upset but they move on.
This issue hits REAL close to home with me… My brother and my husband’s sister who met through us got married 6 months before us.
This would all be fine if it weren’t for the fact that they are completely opposite of us and have caused issues between the two sets of parents (who no longer speak). Trust me, it was not pretty leading up to our wedding. The problems got extremely bad and subsided but even after the wedding we have issues (usually with our siblings at the core).
I’m a firm believer that you and your husband’s new family are first. Yes, we love our respective families BUT I believe family and parents can be wrong. If we both automatically just side with our families, we would not be married. We just the other day had this conversation! I told him that we have to be fair and be able to admit openly if our parents were wrong. That way we’re fair. We also no longer get involved.
My advice to any couples is to stay neutral. Try to step outside “your” family circle and step into the one with your FI/Husband because that is YOUR family now. If you don’t, arguments will be imminent and it can take a toll on your relationship. I can never justify ruining our good relationship over something that has nothing to do with us. And in the end, your (original) family is still your blood, so be careful not to offend each other!
I guess you could say we balance each other out. Sometimes I’m the high road, sometimes he is … usually it depends on who the issue is closer to. With the in-law drama, it’s been really tough for each of us to understand how we’re becoming a family, all together, and these things don’t just affect one of us. So when he throws a fit, it looks like we both are. Ouch.
What do you do when you and your spouse just have totally different ways of responding that aren’t necessarily better or worse, just different? West Coast Groom has no problem coping with some pretty big disfunctions in his only family’s dynamics (he’s got 32 years experience with it after all!), and he copes through methods that don’t really work for me as an individual. My challenge has been to figure out where I fit into the family, and how to relate to my in-laws in ways that feel true to me as a person, without being confrontational or disruptive to their status quo.
I always want to say something when issues arise, so I have the same problems.
But we both understand that the other knows their family best, and knows the best way to deal with problems. In the end, we take each others’ feelings into account and compromise.
It is very helpful that he is much calmer than I am, that’s for sure!
This is something my FI and I were *just* discussing! I worry because I feel like too much of the time I’m the practical one, smashing his dreams Godzilla-esque with one swing of my big fat logic (ok, maybe it’s not THAT bad…). It isn’t that my FI isn’t ridiculously brilliant (probably smarter than me), but he tends to get worked up in the emotional and abandon practicality for the sake of romance/fun/feeling. After talking about it, I realized we’re the perfect compliment to one another.
He reminds me that I don’t always need to be practical, and sometimes weighing out consequences so meticulously can be detrimental to the meaning of what something should be in the first place. I help him remember that not every decision should be spontaneous and not thought through.
Love this post 
@West Coast Bride: I agree with you West Coast Bride - i’m not sure how to relate to the in-laws even though I have known them for 8 years. It seems that we are all close yet I’m still a little on the sidelines. how do you make your point but not offend them? do I always have to rely on my FI to make the water clear?
He’s much more level headed and calm than I am. I am sure I would have flown off the handle at some point without him.
Definitely complementary! We serve as each other’s sounding board. I can be the dreaded P.A.!!! And he can be over analytical. So we’ve learned to measure ourselves as well as give the other person help.
With regard to in-law stuff (we get along for the most part)…yeah, high road is best. All the future/potential discomfort from lashing out may not be worth the emotional release!! (But I’ll admit I’ve had grumblings! It’s natural.)
He’s laid back and I’m all organization- with heavy OC tendencies.
I’m used to my dysfunctional family, and his parents are working on 50 years- so he doesn’t know how to ignore my mom/step-dad’s bickering- it totally stresses him out.
I’m bubbly and cheerful and friendly, he’s friendly but doesn’t have nearly enough energy to approach bubbly.
We balance well.
I totally agree, I love our similarities but couldn’t make it without our differences. FI understands that when I’m yelling I’m 99% of the time venting TO him not AT him (which took a while for him to realize) and I’m so thankful that he knows how to deal with my bizarre behaviors. I agree to each his own when it comes to family, but I can’t help but put my 2 cents in!
I do agree as well that the high road, while difficult, is usually best when it comes to family. No reason to burn your bridges with people you have to deal with in the future 
The mister and I are kind of both — at times SO similar, but at others, opposites!
My FI and I are two peas in a pod. We never argue, because we always agree. When we don’t agree, we still don’t argue. We pause, figure out if it’s worth a fight, and one of us usually gives in within 5 minutes. Compromise is awesome. But we’re both like the Zax. (Remember them?) We know that if we ever take it to the mattresses, we’ll both just be standing toe to toe, face to face til eternity because we’re both THAT stubborn. Which is why one of us always gives in. Because it is just not worth it!
We definitely balance each other out the way other people couldn’t with us. Where I fall short, he picks it up and vice versa. Sometimes we are two peas in a pod, but I love the balancing each other out part the most. It makes me realize why we are together and love each other.
Mr Frenchie is shy and I’m outgoing… I’m a morning person and Mr Frenchie has more trouble getting out of bed than anyone I’ve ever met… I’m an optimist and the Mr, you guessed it, not as much? But Mr Frenchie great with money and challenged me to be better and Mr Frenchie is FAR more patient than me. So I’d say we balance each other out
My fiance and I never had a problem between our families… until we got engaged. But when the inevitable friction started to chafe, I was surprised and delighted that my fiance chose to defend my mother instead of taking his own mother’s side. (My mother did something thoughtless, but entirely unintentional. My fiance insisted that his mother not take it to heart.) I found it really reassuring that he chose to do the right thing, no matter who that meant he needed to support. Now, when my family is the one on the offensive, it will be much easier to trust his judgment.
My fiance and I really are a team. No matter what either of our families do, I’m on his side and he’s on mine. I guess that’s part of what being peas in a pod means.
TOTALLY balance each other out. He’s a high road kind of kind of guy most of the time and I’m more of a low road (even though I hate to admit that). I agree with your motto, though, let the family member deal with the situation. BUT, I swear, one of these days I just might like my FIL have it if my hubby doesn’t do it for me!
My FI and I went through a very similar situation about 6 months ago…he and his mom got into and argument and over the course of a few days it got blown up into a huge ordeal…to the point where they weren’t speaking.
I am very close with his mom and because of that reason she asked me to step in and speak to him on her behalf. I was stuck….I ultimately decided that it wasn’t my fight and to stay out if it but I did suggest to him that however he decided to handle it that he take the high road (which is not something he really wanted to do at the time).
Eventually he did take the high road (luckily) and everything worked out fine.
So to answer your question in a very long winded way…yes, we do balance each other out…but we also take turns on who gets to be the reasonable one.
Definitely balance each other out, I tend to stress , he’s so laid back I have to check he’s still conscious.
Especially lately.
8 weeks to go and he’s asked “Have we go the money saved?” followed by “Who have we invited?”
I’m sure he did it to make me stop, think and laugh.
Mr. Lab is consistently reminding me to take the high road. I’m the type of person who’ll dwell on something for days and think of all the things I could have done or said differently. I’m glad Mr. Lab balances me out in that respect.
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Mrs. D'orsay, Baltimore/Lancaster UK
Age and Occupation: 24, Stay at home fiance (formerly in nonprofit communications)
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Web site developer and designer; co-owner of men's skincare shop
Engagement Date: August 10, 2008
Wedding Date: August, 2009
Venue: Oakland Manor
About Me: I'm a Maryland raised environmental policy wonk/activist/organizer and communications aficionado. In the past year I've lived in Baltimore, MD, Tucson, AZ, Miami, FL and Lancaster, England. In my not so spare time I enjoy planning trips with Mr. D' Orsay, visiting friends and family and crafting like a mo-fo. I also enjoy modern dance classes, rugby and soccer but have been banned by my mother, MOHs, and Mr. D' Orsay from playing till after the wedding. I have an unnatural addiction to cheese and shoes, but love Mr. D' Orsay more than either and can't wait to become Mrs. D' Orsay!
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