Wedding Blog
… That is the question.
Mr. Mary Jane and I are getting married, but we’re not having a wedding. We don’t expect any showers or other wedding-related celebrations either.
While we are planning to send out 50-60 wedding announcements, my rational thought regarding this is: Why would anyone feel that they should get us a gift?
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If I received a wedding announcement from someone, I’d think “Oh, how nice for them!” I would not, however, get the urge to grab my 20% coupon and head to the nearest Bed, Bath & Beyond. Would you?
Mr. Mary Jane and I discussed this very thing a few days ago. It’s our thinking that we should probably give people the option of buying us a gift. We’re certainly not going to ask for any, but perhaps if people are going to search for our registry anyway, we might as well have a registry or two there for them to find.
What do you think, hive?
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Share this post: To Register, or Not To Register?
I say go for it. Don’t go overboard, but yes provide a registry with some key items that and Mr. Mary Jane would want. It makes things so much easier for you and the people who would like to purchase something for you.
Register but don’t include it on the announcement- if people want to send a gift- it at least gives them the option to give you something you want!!
Do the people getting the announcement read your personal blog or Weddingbee? Because if they do, you might get gifts even if you don’t register for them!
I agree with Miss Peep Toe — don’t include it on the announcement…rely on word-of-mouth to let the news spread instead!
I agree with Miss Peep. If it’s not on the announcement, they won’t feel obligated to send a gift. But if they want to, there are some options of things you really want!
Nope, it won’t be on the announcement.
@Miss Bruschetta: Hardly anyone I know knows about my blog or weddingbee 
I didn’t vote because I think that people may want to send you money or a target gift card or something, but I don’t think it is necessary to register in this case. Just MHO, however!
I say go for it. There may be some people that will want to do something nice for the happy couple even if they could not share your moment with you.
I think your close relatives and friends will want to give something and the registry will help them figure out what you need/ want. I would stick to 20 moderately priced items, not 200!
We’re pretty much in the same situation and we’ve registered for a few things because some people have asked us where we’re registered. Another person gave us an engagement present without even asking us about registries, which was great too! For people who have no clue what your personal style is, a registry is a fabulous thing.
My only concern would be that some people would look at the announcement and think that you’re hinting for gifts. Obv your’re not, and announcements are proper for your situatuon where it’s a really small wedding. But, regardless, there are going to be people that think “we weren’t important enough to be invited, but now they’re expecting a gift?” I say this b/c I’ve seen people do it. Since announcements are so rare, people don’t know the protocol behind them.
Anyway, I’d worry that a registry may just compound their negative thoughts.
If I received a wedding announcement, we would send a card or $$. In most cases, a couple not having a wedding needs the money.
The same line of thought would hod true for any of my family or family friends.
Agree with AmyM83!
I think it may look greedy for you to have registries. If people want, they will send gift cards.
Plus, you’re not having a shower, which is when the registries are used for the most part.
I say register then people at least have the option of buying from a registry and if no one does you at least get the completion discount! At bb&b you get 10% on top of 20% off coupons!
I would guess that most people who want to send a gift will either send you a check. Maybe you could give your parents a couple of ideas of THINGS if people call and ask what you need.
(”Mrs. Mary Jane–you’ll be married then–just mentioned the other day that they’ve broken almost all of their wine glasses!” )
In general, I think its silly that people assume they need to register for anything. If you don’t want to register, then don’t. It’s really simple.
If you think people might want to get you something, then register at a charity. We didn’t think registering was right, so we just put a note on our website that if people wanted to remember the moment, they could donate to heifer or a charity of their choice. It worked perfectly.
We eloped the first time and sent out announcements and received a ton of gifts! It was surprising, but we were already registered because we had been planning a real wedding. So, we got a lot of great gifts!
I personally love getting family & friends a little something (even if the cost is minimal) as a congratulatory gift when I hear about special events, even if I’m not personally invited.
Wasn’t there a post on love languages by a few of the bees? Gift giving is probably mine.
I say register for a few things, even if they don’t get purchased you could always take advantage of the registry discounts the stores offer!
yea we didn’t want to register either, but we started getting engagement gifts immediately after we got engaged (we didn’t even send out an announcement). We eventually caved in and registered. That said, you don’t have to register, bc ppl will get you the gifts anyway - and personally I rather prefer to be surprised.
Well, I know anything goes these days, but technically, folks who receive wedding announcements are NOT obligated to give a gift.
I just find it a little odd that you would want to have a registry so that folks who receive announcements (!!!) can buy you something, but the only ones present are your parents and siblings. As a potential “guest,” personally, I would be peeved, and would think that’s a pretty ballsy move. I’m not important enough to witness your ceremony, but you have the chutzpah to create a registry so that I may get you something? Come again?
IMHO, I think that your family members, friends and co-workers will most likely gift you something anyway, and I think that you should graciously accept the gift–whatever it may be.
I think in your case, it’s a good idea. Our wedding announcements will be reserved for our “fourth tier” family–you know, the folks we haven’t seen in decards. They wouldn’t give us gifts nor would we expect them to.
But in your case, some of your closest family and friends will want to help you celebrate and give you stuff. I know if my dear friend had a teeny wedding that I wasn’t a part of, I would definitely want to get them something–and registries are great in that capacity.
I would limit the “big ticket” items I sometimes see on registries , but I don’t think you would do that anyway.
Oh! And some places give you a discount on all the items left on your registry after your wedding, so you could always turn your registry into a 10% off christmas list!
You should do it. I mean, it’s not like you had a blow-out wedding and want gifts from the people who you didn’t invite.
I think at least a few people would really want to send something, and they’d probably rather give you something you’d need.
I agree with midwestelle - keep the registry simple and tasteful but do register. It will make it easier to return some items that you may not want/ need that people feel like they ought to give (case-in-point: the 3 blenders I got from my shower this past weekend).
I don’t think I would send someone a gift if I recieved an annoucement, but I’m sure there are plenty of people out there that would. There’s no harm in registering somewhere if it’s not going to be on the card. As long as it’s somewhere on the internet, those that really feel the need to buy you something have the option.
I would register. I always prefer giving off a registry - even if I don’t attend the wedding - because I know I’m getting the couple something they can really use. An additional benefit to registering is you usually get a completion discount after the wedding. So, even if you don’t get many gifts you can buy off your registry for a discounted rate (usually between 10 and 20%)!
@denise: I think Miss MJ made it very clear that she does not in anyway expect people to give them gifts. Of course she would accept any gift - it is a generous offer - but some people (including myself) prefer to shop off a registry.
I don’t think you should register. Personally, I think that it would come off as kind of searching for gifts as well…I think that you should definitely definitely send out the announcements and everything. But I think that if I got your announcement and then got “word of mouth” that you were registered somewhere, I would think that you felt like everybody was obligated to give you a gift. And I know you don’t feel that way!
If people want to send you a gift, they will ask you what you want, or they will just send you money.
If you are going to register, I’d suggest limiting it to one registry. I know this is not your intention but it looks kind of gift grabby if you have several registries set up with a whole bunch of stuff.
To be honest, I would think it’s inappropriate for a couple who eloped to register - you saved all the money you would have spent on a big wedding that you can now put towards your mortgage, appliances, furniture, etc. Registering for gifts kind of seems like you’re trying to have your cake and eat it too.
Etiquette requires one thing from those to whom you send an announcement: A congratulatory note (i.e., you should put that “Oh, how nice!” thought on paper and mail it to them). People who view your announcement as an attempt to fish for presents are mean-spirited.
That said, you probably aren’t going to send announcements to people who will react with utter indifference to your happiness, so you’ll probably get some presents. I wouldn’t (and we will not) register. I figure the people on our guest list know us well enough to know what we might like–there’s no need to regulate their generosity. Presents are more fun when they’re a surprise!
I agree with Sakoro and some others that there will be people (probably family and close friends) who will really want to get you something. And a (conservative) registry would help them out a great deal.
For me, if I received a marriage announcement, I would ask a family member if the bride and groom are registered, and then send them a gift. As a friend, I love registries, it makes me much more certain that I am purchasing something they can use! Anyone who wants to give a gift would likely do a lil research to find out if you are registered. I say, do it!
I think you should. Some people who know you and know your situation and reasons, will still be very happy for you and would probably enjoy giving you and Mr. MJ something. And any moneys you guys get can either go towards registry or go into savings for your down payment!
I think it’s a good idea, but you’re right — an announcement doesn’t require a gift. I love registries for weddings, though, and would want to give you a gift if you were my friend/ cousin/ niece, etc. So go for it!
I find it curious that in the votes, there is only ONE reason for voting no listed. My feeling would be “no” but not the reason described! If you want to register, I would limit it to one registry only, at a good catch-all kind of place, and make it small.
I vote for no registry, for the same reason as mrstye and Abbie. If I heard through word of mouth that there was a registry, I’d wonder if registering (even without announcing it) was the couple’s passive way of requesting gifts, and I’d be annoyed.
If it’s a choice between (1) possibly offending some friends who don’t want to or can’t give a gift versus (2) giving little direction to friends to do want to give a gift but don’t know what gift to buy, I’d say it’s better to err on the side of caution and go the route of not offending anyone.
@mrstye: I’m worried about that too. Hmm. I don’t really know how to announce our marriage. I don’t want to just… not tell anyone. but putting it our local paper isn’t enough either - no one lives in our city and they’re all spread out all over the country. Any suggestions, hive? I figure announcements would be a good way to go - as an FYI - not a ‘fishing for gifts’…. Don’t want to offend anyone though. hmmm.
@lauren: That’s a smart idea, lauren. I like it!
@denise: Just to clarify, I was DEFINITELY not saying I wanted to like… send out a card saying “Hey we’re married and you weren’t allowed to come, get your butts down to Target and buy us something!” hehe (but man, that WOULD be ballsy). My whole post was me saying I wasn’t sure it was proper. You’re saying it’s not, and it seems like some others agree with you - I’m really grateful for your (and everyone else’s) opinions!
@West Coast Bride: I always try to think for a while about what to include in a poll, but I always seem to miss things anyway - oh well! Thanks for commenting with your choice
The comments seem to be about 80/20 in favor of registering. I haven’t made up my mind, but I’ll definitely write more about this in the future. I do want to clarify one last time that regardless of what we decide… we are not, I repeat, we are NOT going to be sending out announcements that say “The couple is registered at _____”. Even though it could “make it easier” for some people, I do very much think it stinks of “fishing for gifts”, so I would definitely never do that.Our announcements would just be like “Hey guys, we’re Mr. And Mrs. Mary Jane now! Though we’d let you know… Love ya!”
I agree with Abbie. I don’t think I would register if I were you. Maybe you will get some thoughtful gifts or congratulatory notes, but I wouldn’t want my guests to find out about the registry and get any wrong impressions.
I just have to comment one more time- REGISTER. I had a shower and just wanted gift cards from BB&B- so we could get a great vacuum. People got confused and bought some VERY random stuff- I so wish we would have just registered a BB&B so people would have just bought us what we wanted. Now we are stuck with certain things.
Also, as folks above said- people like direction on this type of stuff.
I agree, Miss Mary Jane. Nothing is more gauche than including your registry information on an announcement/invitation! (I usually try to be more even-keeled about expressing opinions, since there are always different strokes for different folks…but this is one rule I cannot bear to see broken!)
Some people (especially older relatives) really enjoy giving nesting gifts. I think you will receive some gifts regardless of whether or not you register; so, why not help ensure that you receive homegoods you actually like?
I know you are not wrapped up in registry madness, but I have a little blog at http://www.kireinest.com that features daily inspiration for registering and pulling together a pretty little home.
Good luck; I’m sure you will do whatever feels natural or makes the most sense for you!
@kireinapaper: OMG, your inspiration boards are to DIE For! everyone go look at this woman’s web site right now!
Miss MJ, I’m SO glad you did not take that the wrong way! Sometimes I get the feeling that if I give an opinion contrary to the 90% of posters, I’m perceived as being negative or a rabble-rouser ;). In the end, of course, you must do what you feel is right for you, Mr MJ and your fam. Best of luck!
A registry can never hurt, even if most people don’t look at it. I imagine most family and close friends will want to get you something anyway… and if there are any post-wedding and/or housewarming parties there will for sure be gifts involved!
if i received an announcement, it would depend on who its from. for a close friend or family member, i’d def send a gift.
i think you may as well set up a registry, itll help those that do want to send a gift and certainly cant hurt
I have to comment again after seeing Miss Peep Toe’s comment. I totally understand that as long as people are intent on giving gifts, they might as well get you something you really want and need. And in Miss PT’s case (I follow your posts) I think a registry is totally appropriate, especially bc you’re having a full blown wedding.
At the same time, I think a gift stops being a gift when you ask explicitly for it. And since Miss MJ isn’t having a “real” wedding, I don’t think it’s entirely tactful. If people are choosing to give you gifts, they should be able to give you whatever they want. It is, after all, a gift.
@donna: … I definitely agree - a gift stops being a gift if you ask for it. So are you saying that the act of having a registry is like asking for a gift? I’m wondering about that.
Thanks to everyone for your comments thus far - I’m sorry I haven’t responded to each one, but I am definitely taking to heart all of your opinions and suggestions!
I think you’re totally on the right track with the tone of the announcements (i.e., “Hey guys, we’re Mr. And Mrs. Mary Jane now! Though we’d let you know… Love ya!”). In particular, the recipients will appreciate knowing what name(s) you want to go by!
I know I’m in the minority here, but I’m going to stick my neck out because I do not much like being told what to give, nor do I like feeling bad because I go “off registry.” I try hard to select thoughtful presents that the recipient(s) will like, and I generally let them know where I purchased the gifts in case I’ve gone wrong. (Misfires don’t happen often, by the way–I see that some of the things I’ve recently gifted appear on “kirei nest.”) Moreover, as a recipient, I do not view it as a great imposition on me to either return or donate duplicates. I think it’s important to keep in mind that most people really want to make the recipients of their gifts happy, and it sucks all the fun out of gift-giving to preempt their generosity with a registry.
10-20% discount. Bam. Reason to register. We put furniture on our registry that CLEARLY we didn’t expect people to buy, but wanted to buy for a discount. Did it appear greedy? I dunno. All I know is that it was sweeeet saving $50 on our china hutch.
As much as we can all pretend like people are gonna be all pissed that they’re not invited to the wedding, that’s just not true. We got lots of gifts from people that were never invited (nor never expected) to be invited to the wedding. 2nd cousins, clients, Mr. Peng’s patients, etc.
If I were in your shoes, I’d start one registry and a very famous store, and leave it at that. If anything, do it for the discount you get on stuff you want anyway. I wouldn’t mention the registry on my announcements, but if someone asked me point blank if I had one, I’d be happy to volunteer the information verbally.
It’s funny, right after I posted that, I re-read it and realized it didn’t come off the way I wanted it to. I wasn’t trying to make a haughty statement that registries take the gift out of of gift-giving. In general I think they’re great and make it easy for the gift-givers. I just neglected to say that sometimes it depends on the situation, and particularly in your case (what with the non-wedding), I wouldn’t go there. Just my $0.02!
Oh snap, Mrs Penguin totally got me right there with her point about 10-20% off registry items. Excellent point. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a deal.
@Mrs. Penguin: We put furniture on ours too, that we totally don’t expect ppl to buy for us. Like our rug @ Crate & Barrel, no-on is going to buy that for us.
@Miss Mary Jane: I would register and at some place common like Target or Macys. When I receive and announcement or find out someone is engaged etc I like to send a gift and I always prefer to buy off the registry - that way I know they couple will like and use the gift. I’m sure when you announcements go out ppl will call you or your parents and ask where you are registered. The added bonus of course it the completion discount
We registered but I’m only going to use it for the bridal shower….we asked for money in the wedding invitations.
@Mrs. Penguin: wow good point! never thought of that. HELLO, Macy’s. haha.
I say register, especially if your people are the type to give a gift rather than cash.
If I received an announcement, I would send a gift.
A cousin of mine got married, and did not invite anyone. We didn’t know about the wedding until my grandfather died a few days before. The whole situation was ackward as they never said anything or sent out announcements. I understand that they wanted it small. I sent a card and a gift anyway, cause it was my cousin.
However I never got a thank you. I’m not upset about not getting a invite, but I still pissed they didn’t send a thank you.
@ac-ny: no thank-you? that’s pretty gauche. If someone sent me a dollar bill in an envelope I’d still send a heart-felt thanks!
I wouldn’t register. If people get your announcements and want to give you a gift they can go pick one out themselves or give you cash. But I would be pretty upset if I got an announcement and then found out the couple had registered somewhere. I’d think that they are “asking for gifts” and I would be pretty offended. In fact, I would probably not get them anything at all at that point. Whereas if I had known that they never registered and I had received an announcement I’d be more likely to send them a card with some cash.
If you do end up registering please limit it to one store, like Target, and put only a few small items on it.
I think you should register… you may or may not get stuff from your guests but you can always use the completion discount for things you want but may not get.
i think if you’re not having any event to which people are invited where they can celebrate your wedding with you, it’s not appropriate for you to set up a registry — but i’m sure a lot of people will get you gifts, anyway when they get your announcement!
I don’t think it’s bad for you guys to set up a registry. I wouldn’t count on a lot of people asking about one, but then you have it if someone asks. And think about the discounts you’ll get after you get married!
I think most people, if they send something, will probably give you a gift card or check.
May I make a non-poll suggestion?
Set up an Amazon.com wishlist (if you have one, use that) and put homebuilding-type stuff on it. I have an Amazon wishlist that predates my engagement (and my relationship with my fiance) by several years. I use it as a dumping ground for all of the cool things I see in magazines that I think might be fun to have if I had infinite resources. My family and friends use it as a source of Christmas and birthday present inspiration. You could essentially use it as homebuilding organizational tool - figure out everything you need to set up house, and put it on. If anyone asks if you’re registered, your parents/friends/etc. can say, “Well, not really, but they do have an Amazon wishlist that they’re using to keep their homebuilding purchases organized.”
(Or, you can set up a wishlist elsewhere. Not sure if, say, Home Depot has a wishlist, but I know Amazon’s not the only one.)
Of course, then you won’t get the registry discount.
Whatever you do is probably going to annoy *someone*, so just keep that in mind.
Dang, I should have read the comments first. I voted no, but after reading what everyone said it sounds like a registry would be appreciated! Take my vote out of the “no” pile and put it in the “might as well”.
I would register. As many others have said, I would NOT include it in invitation/announcement mailings. But I think a lot of people enjoy giving friends and family something special to celebrate their life decisions. Maybe it is just me, but even for friends of mine who I didn’t get an invite to the wedding I’ve often gotten them a little something to celebrate and show I care AND I had a great time seeing what kinds of things they like! Plus, it is nice (when giving or getting) for it to be something that was desired/will be loved.
I really don’t understand why anyone would find it annoying that you registered…
Also, about pricey items, I think it is totally ok to register for *some* pricey items/furniture. In fact, if they are things you are considering buying, it is a smart idea because you’ll have a discount after the date. I don’t think people pursuing the registry will see a coffee table or something and think, “what a jerk! they think I’m going to spend that much?!”
As someone in the “no registry” camp, I wanted to offer a suggestion. We didn’t register b/c we had a DW and I felt asking people to travel was more than enough. I did have some people tell me I should register, b/c people would want to get us gifts anyway. However, I didn’t, precisely b/c I thought that by doing so, my “no gifts” requests would seem insincere.
However, knowing that some people would still want to do gifts, I told my mom and sis that if people mentioned really wanting to do something for us, to tell them that they knew we liked such and such a store (C&B for us). A couple people asked for even more specifics, so we’d given my mom and sis further suggestions (champagne glasses, towels, etc.). It gave people some direction who really wanted it, but kept it clear that we weren’t looking for gifts.
Also, I have to advocate for not registering. Perhaps especially since we got things from only people quite close to us, we did receive some amazingly thoughtful things that reflected both us, as well as the gift giver. About half went that route and the other half went the C&B route.
Ms. MJ- I gotta say most of the time I am surprised and refreshed by your unconventional approach to weddings. No church? No photographer? No problem!
So when it comes to something oh so traditional that comes with a big wedding- a registry- I was really surprised you were even considering it.
And just to be totally honest…cause it is the internet and I can be…it seemed a little bit greedy. Like, you turn away from all things traditional except when it comes to gifts. I know that probably isn’t what you meant but I wouldn’t want it to seem like that to your guests.
I would really say keep with your non-traditional (non)wedding theme and do not register. If people want to send you a gift or some $$ I think they’ll be able to find their way to the housewares department at Target on their own.
@MrsSpitzer: I never thought of it that way - but you make some excellent points here!!
Everyone does - thanks for EVERYONE’s input and for sharing your reasoning behind what you think is the right choice!
Miss Mary Jane, PLEASE ignore the people who are saying that they would be annoyed to get an announcement and then find out that you had a registry…a wedding registry, hasn’t always been the norm, but certainly now-a-days it is, and the discounts you can get after the event is over ALONE make it worth it.
But more importantly, if I were close enough to someone to receive a wedding announcement, I would absolutely want to purchase a gift…and being a former bride, I would most likely contact someone in your family to see if you had set up a registry.
Setting up a registry doesn’t mean people can’t and/or won’t purchase other items, but it does give people a better idea of what you REALLY want/need. And it in no way, no matter WHAT your wedding is like (even if you elope) means you are greedy.
I think anyone who would feel that way isn’t someone I would want to be friends with and send an announcement to in the first place! A wedding, no matter how big or small is a beautiful, joyous occasion and people WANT to celebrate you and your marriage in whatever way they can.
I should add, however, that no matter what size/type your wedding is, this is why you shouldn’t include registry information in an invitation or announcement…because THAT does come across as trite.
My fiance and I are having the exact same issue. This is a second marriage for me, we are both in our mid-30s. There’s not much that we “need” to start a life. He even has his own house, so we’re pretty much set. My family was very kind to me for my first wedding, and I don’t feel it’s right to ask them to do the same thing over again. Some of my friends and co-workers have asked if we’re going to register, and I’ve told them we don’t need anything. Plus we’re planning on trying to conceive the first year, so I figure they’d better save up for the baby shower! 
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Mrs. Mary Jane, Grand Forks, ND
Age and Occupation: 26, Instructional Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Lead Programmer
Engagement Date: February 28, 2009
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: City Hall
About Me: I'm a career woman on the surface and a homemaker at heart. I love fast cars and high heels, and my favorite food is cake. Mr. Mary Jane and I are both full-time employees and students, and we just bought our first house. We love to curl up on the couch with buttery popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, and the latest Netflix arrival -- whenever we can get a break from everyday life.
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