Wedding Blog
Recently, Mr. Bruschetta and I met with our celebrant, Father David, to continue preparing for our ceremony — and, more specifically, our marriage.
He’d asked us to come with the names and phone numbers of two “witnesses” each, family or friends who we’d be calling together to conduct a brief “interview” about us. We were uncertain what to expect, but selected four family members — Daddy and Sister Bruschetta, and FMIL and FBIL Bruschetta — who agreed to converse with Father David.
After catching up, we started our phone calls. Mr. Bruschetta and I dialed our family members, and then passed the phone to Father David, who walked them through a series of questions. (Let me clarify: These weren’t questions Father David had prepared himself. They were part of the materials we needed to complete in order to marry in the St. Thomas of Villanova parish.) All the queries were pretty serious in nature, and dealt with our preparedness to marry. At the end of the “interview” — which really only did last for about five minutes each! — Father David asked each person if he/she swore what he/she said was the truth, since the yes/no answers would, at the conclusion of the call, constitute a legal document.
Once the four family interviews were complete, Father David spoke individually (and in private) with me, and then with Mr. Bruschetta.
He led each of us through a similar series of questions, which were (in my opinion) unnecessarily antiquated and awkward — for example, one asked if there were any physical challenges that would inhibit our ability to have a harmonious marriage. Huh? Father David clarified: Do either of us have fertility issues?
While the time we had with Father David was enjoyable, I was somewhat taken aback by the questions he had to ask, which I found both sterile and obtrusive. Were you surprised by some preparatory aspect of your religious ceremony?
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Are you having a Catholic ceremony? If so, the reason they ask those questions is that your marriage can be annulled by the Catholic church if you are sterile, or incable of having children, if you are not sane/of right mind when you say your vows. All the processes of the Catholic church before the wedding, including pre-cana, are to limit the number of annulments and divorces (althought technically you cannot divorce in the catholic church, just annul). It seems tedius and antiquated but it’s pretty standard.
Whoa! I can’t imagine how awkward that must have been. Our pastor told us we would have to separate since we live together or he wouldn’t marry us. I was like… if that was a possibility, I wouldn’t be living with him right now in the first place… so it kinda made me mad but as a Christian you’re not supposed to live together before marriage. So I guess I’m just a sinner who can’t use the pastor I wanted to. :o\
We had many hiccups with our pre-cana, as my fiancee is not American (he’s Australian). My childhood church didn’t recognize his baptismal or confirmation certificates (because they are in a different format than theirs - no idea if this was an international issue or if we would have had this if he was from North Dakota or somewhere American, too). We had to have his childhood Australian priest and his parents sign a sworn legal statement in Australia that he’d been baptised and confirmed in the Catholic church!
In contrast, when we thought we were marrying in San Francisco (rather than at my parents church in Florida), the diocese there was totally comfortable with only one of us being Catholic and never asked for Fiancee’s documents at all.
We also struggled finding a Church to marry in - I wanted a different Catholic Church in Florida, and since we weren’t members, we couldn’t use their church. Granted, we’re members of a DIFFERENT Catholic Church, but they only allow financially committed members to use their Church. No amount of money would sway them otherwise.
Bottom line - the experience all varies depending on the diocese, I think!
I totally agree with you! I had to answer the harmonious marriage question! Whatever! And did you take offense to the fact that the priest had to ask if I, the bride, was a practicing Catholic but only asked if the groom was baptized?? Apparently it doesn’t matter to the Catholic Church if the dad goes to church… only the mom? What’s up with that?? They need an update. 
Yikes! Luckily, Mr. Gloss’ dad is a pastor and is marrying us. Or maybe unluckily, if he has to ask us those questions!!! I don’t know what I would do but I’m sure my face would be pretty red!
Gotta love marriage counseling! We didn’t have to answer anything too personal in our conversations with our Pastor, but there were some awkward questions we had to answer on paper and then the Pastor compared our answers.
The sad thing is that I’m sure there are couples who have never discussed some of the things brought up during marriage counseling sessions. I guess that’s why they ask?
Interesting - and congrats on getting this step done!
And ohmygoodness, I am so glad I’m not a affiliated with a church! I’ve heard so many crazy stories about hoops friends have had to jump through. Yikes!
Best Wishes!
This is very interesting to me, as me and the mister are having a nonreligious ceremony. I can’t believe he asked you about fertility! So if you are “infertile” you aren’t a candidate for marriage? That does seem really antiquated!
@ all: Thanks for sharing your stories — and in some cases, your sympathies! I’m sure our priest had to ask this because the church wishes our marriage to be a success (as do we, of course!), but geez, it just really felt odd and dated…and I wasn’t expecting these questions at all!
I’m really nervous about meeting with our pastor…. this post just upped the anxiety.
@Miss Beagle: Oh no! Not the purpose of this post! 
I think– although I don’t know Miss Bruschetta’s particular priest obviously– that they usually ask these questions to make sure that one partner is no concealing something like infertility from the other partner….we were separated and asked questions like these, so that if they felt like we weren’t being honest with each other about important things they’d encourage communication.
@Miss Bruschetta: I’m just nervous about the repremand I’m expecting we’ll get from living together. Did you experience that at all?
I find this line of questioning so offensive… I have fertility issues, and am incapable of having children, and to hear that the Catholic Church would annul my marriage because of it??? Marriage is about much more than having children, as much as I wish I could. This is incredibly offensive.
@Miss Beagle: Hangs head. No, because we totally skirted the issue. When we started the paper trail to get married at Villanova, we were living in our parents’ houses…and we didn’t update the documents after the move, so I guess that’s why the subject didn’t come up.
Wow, yet another reason I am SO GLAD that we are marrying outside the church. It’s easier to marry and then join the church than to try to marry in!
The Catholic Church wouldn’t automatically annul your marriage because of fertility issues. At least, it should not. Infertility can be used as a reason to annul if it becomes an issue. If you were infertile and Catholic, you can still marry in the Catholic church.
I was very worried about the living together reprimand as well, but our priest was very gentle with us about it and did let us know that it was not the ideal situation and that we
are sinning. He was so nice about it, I felt silly for sweating it so bad in the first place, but I am sure that YMMV.
That is a strange and awkward encounter! We never questioning like this in our FOCCUS test or our Engaged Encounter weekend. They just covered every possible topic between the two of us to make sure we had thought our decision through and knew what we wanted.
I’m getting married in the Catholic Church on May 30th, so just to give another perspective…
Our priest is (thankfully) very relaxed about a lot of the little details (we didn’t have to do the FOCCUS, for example) and we didn’t get any lecture about living together despite very clearly having the same address on all our materials. We were given copies of the Affidavit form (with all the questions referenced in the post on it) and just had to send them to two people each to be filled out.
So in short, it totally depends on the priest! In our case, his opinion is that since he’s never been married, he’s not qualified to tell us whether we SHOULD get married- he’s just there to help us celebrate it.
Oh wow. Those are… umm… quite the questions. My fiance and I, thankfully, won’t be going through any interviews before our marrige ceremony, and I think I’d turn beet red if a priest were to ask me if I was fertile. Sorry you had to experience that moment Miss B, but at least you can cross it off of your wedding to do list now.
Miss Brushetta-
TOTALLY feel ya on the infertility thing!! HAHA it was funny to me, when the priest asked. But I can see now why people would take offense. He basically asked us could we consumate the marriage? I just looked at FI and said…I guess! LOL
And as for living together, yes we do and we told him. ANd he asked us how our family reacted. And we told him the truth. That they understood why (financial). He talked about trials and stuff living together. And we did the FOCCUS survey for people who “cohabitate before marriage”. Some of those questions were more embarassing asking about sex and stuff. The priest didnt ask those questions.
ANd Beagle-its totally dependent on your priest! Relax and be honest I say.
Just to clarify, infertility itself is never a reason to annul a marriage, to the best of my knowledge. A marriage is valid as long as you are having sex and are willing to have children. If infertile couples know they are infertile or post-menopausal before the marriage, they can even leave the passage about children out of the vows.
A marriage can be annulled on the grounds of infertility if one partner intentionally hides his or her infertility from the other. That’s dishonest and misleading to let your partner expect something you’re not capable of. Similarly, a marriage can also be annulled if one partner or the other was never willing to have children. For Catholics, marriage exists (among other factors) when two people are emotionally and spiritually open to having a family–but they don’t have to be physically capable of it.
“For Catholics, marriage exists (among other factors) when two people are emotionally and spiritually open to having a family–but they don’t have to be physically capable of it.”
This is not true. There must be the ability to engage in normal intercourse or a marriage never exists. Desire, alone, is not sufficient. Physical impotency, that is beyond treatment, prevents a valid marriage from occurring. This certainly does not translate to meaning that the love that exists between two who would like to be joined in marriage is lacking. It means that a different aspect of what is essential for a marriage to exist is lacking. There is no reason that love cannot be shared, appropriately, in ways that do not infringe upon what is only proper to those who are married.
A priest has every right and in fact is obligated to ensure that a marriage celebrated before him or in the Church where he has responsibilities, is valid and is not simply a “ceremony” devoid of the intent of marriage as the Catholic Church teaches it.
For those of you who are Catholics and reading this thread, you are obliged in conscience to educate yourselves in the teachings of the Catholic Church, to accept them and to integrate them into your life. I would hope all of them, but most especially those regarding marriage, what it means and what it obliges.
Do not look to secular society for your understanding of marriage or you will damage your marriage, regardless of what you think.
No, I am not a priest.
I am a father of five children, who was divorced and remains faithful to the vows that we spoke almost thirty years ago.
Read the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a good place to learn, what, in most cases you likely do not know, were never taught, perhaps, or have forgotten.
For those who are not Catholic, you are welcome to become one. Its teaching about marriage are not antiquated. They are the truth, as poorly as they are understood and practiced.
We are not having a religious ceremony, so I can’t quite empathize what you’re going through. It seems crazy that they ask some of those questions, but I guess I can see the reasons why.
Miss Beagle…not to worry!! I am getting married in a Catholic Church and I believe our church is pastor is pretty modern, but we didn’t get any grief about living together. We didn’t blurt it out, but when asked for our address it was obvious.
We did have to fill out a special set of FOCCUS questions, but no biggie! Don’t stress and have fun!
Yikes, this is making me worry a bit about meeting with my pastor. I hope ours isn’t like that!
Just to clarify: The questions and session definitely weren’t a reflection on our priest, who’s much more liberal than most in the Catholic church, and with whom I’m very friendly. Instead, they were reflective of the church/diocese in which we want to get married. Thanks for the messages of support (and at time, sympathy) though! 
Some of you who are living together before marriage seem nervous that the priest may not approve. How would you feel if St. Paul were to tell you that you have no place in the kindgom of heaven because you are guilty of fornication? You will find that in several of his letters to the Ephesians 5:5, for example, and the Corinthians, 6:10 for another example.
There’s no nice alternative to heaven, and your priests would be doing you a favor if they reminded you.
I know a priest who was asked by a young man why he couldn’t have sex with his girlfriend. The priest said, “Because you’ll go to hell.” The young man said, “Oh, okay.”
That was the answer he needed, short and sweet and to the point, saving the poor guy a whole lot of trouble even in this life.
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Mrs. Bruschetta, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 25, Communication Professional
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Physical Therapy Graduate Student
Engagement Date: November 30, 2007
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
About Me: I’m a self-proclaimed grammar geek who loves singing (like, really belting it) in the car. My mister and I are planning a vibrant summer soiree celebrating our passions – including food and Philly – and when we make it official, we’ll have been together for eight years! Being super competitive is in my nature, and talking excessively is in my genes. I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, but can always easily find my way into Mr. Bruschetta’s arms.
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