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Mr. Joey and I finished our last session of required pre-martial counseling/Pre-Cana yesterday. Now that it’s over, I can look back and say I’m not sure it was for us. There was very little we discussed in those meetings that we hadn’t discussed before as a couple. I’m not sure if we’re boring and don’t have any conflict, or if it’s just meant to be. 
Actually, I like to think we’ve worked through all the discussion points (family, church, finances, communication, intimacy) in our own time and way.
Did I think the sessions were useful?
Sort of. They made us move on a few issues we had neglected, like finally going in and talking to a financial planner. We’ve been talking about it for months, and finally went. It also made us think about if we will baptize our kids as Catholic. We hadn’t thought about that before — mostly because we aren’t 100% sure we’ll have kids.
So yes, the sessions were sort of helpful, but I also think we would have been just fine without them. I do, however, think the sessions, or even just the FOCCUS questionnaire, would have been helpful early on in our relationship when we were moving in together. We probably wouldn’t have needed to talk about family planning, but talking about communication styles and finances could have helped. Our relationship is really easy now (I’m knocking on wood), but those first 3 or 4 months living together definitely weren’t. Yes, we worked everything out, but I’m sure talking it out with someone else would have been better.
I think the course would be great for a couple who isn’t already “co-habitating“. It may not be absolutely necessary, but it is definitely useful. I also think a session on family planning and raising a family would be more useful during a pregnancy. I can’t think about how I’d discipline my kids — I don’t have any, and don’t plan on having any for a few years.
To end my two cents on all of this, I’ll say there were some surprising moments, particularly when taking the FOCCUS test. Here’s one statement it asked me to agree/disagree with that I’ll leave you with:
“I am concerned that either my future spouse or I may use sex as a way to control each other.”
Huh? It took me by surprise as I read it at 7AM while silently participating in a teleconference. I was hesitant to continue after that question, for fear that pictures and diagrams would appear with the following questions.
If you participated in any required pre-marital courses, did you look back and realize it was useful? What did you find that was most useful about the courses?
I really liked our pre-cana conference we went to with the church. My fiancee and I have been together 5 yrs and have discussed alot about our future, but some of the speakers brought up really interesting points. My favorite was when the one married couple said that most people say a marraige is 50-50 when in all actuality it is more like 100-100. If your spouse was injured (or say you were recovering from a csection or emotional trama), you wouldn’t expect to them to contribute 50% on household chores or emotional issues. If you are only half trying, and always waiting for them to meet you half way you will not succeed.
Our Pre-Cana was…odd. We live in a college town and had our day-long session with a dozen or so younger couples (we are 25 and 35). And, surprisingly, 4/5 sessions were based on having and raising children. I felt like the day was directed towards young families, not couples getting married. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would have been had we not wanted children or been unable to have them.
Um, yeah. We had the same reaction to similar questions. The tricky thing about the FOCCUS test, though, is that the “score” is a combination of agreement between you and your fiance’s answers…and the “correct” answer, according to the Church. Sometimes, Mr. Bruschetta and I were totally in sync, but we didn’t always have the “right” response.
I really liked our pre-cana classes. I found them to be a wonderful way to discuss topic openly. I think they are even more useful for a co-habitating couple. Marriage is a much bigger step than moving in together.
I also thought some of the FOCCUS questions were funny. Especially how they just throw them in there:
Do you agree on who will pay the bills?
Have you discussed having children?
Do you think your partner might have homosexual tendencies?
UH WHAT?!
We are taking classes through our church and they have been ok. Some of them were just people talking about what they had gone through (nice, but not everyone is the same as you) and some of them actually had some ‘meat’ to them. We have 2 left (sex and finances) and I think those are the 2 I am looking the most forward to!
I’m almost done with Pre-Cana. I thought the Focus was semi-helpful, it would have been more helpful if the priest had taken time to go over it with us or if we at least had a copy of the question to aid in the discussion amongst ourselves.
I really enjoyed our Engaged Encounter. It was very helpful and helped us to focus our discussions and to focus on each other.
The sessions with married couples from our parish have been not helpful and pretty much a waste.
Sessions with the priest okay, but it’s weird because he’s not marrying us. FI’s priest uncle is.
Miss Joey, I had the same “WTF?” moment when I ran into that question with our FOCCUS test. In fact, we had a lot of problems with the questions on the test and plan to talk over our concerns with our priest. I didn’t appreciate how tricky the wording of some of the questions were and then how you were only given three options to answer with. Why wasn’t there a “It’s more complicated than that!” answer!?!
I don’t know why, but I’m fascinated by pre-marital counseling - so I’ve enjoyed your frank posts about your own experiences.
My brother and SIL said that they appreciated their pre-cana, although they had very similar comments as you (basically, the FOCUS test was helpful, but not all the topics covered in person). They were married during college and had not co-habitated. I think that the sessions gave them lots of food for thought, because they hadn’t even thought about many of the topics as individuals much less as a couple.
A friend also had positive experiences in secular marriage counseling. Similar to my brother and SIL, she and her FI were married immediately after college and probably hadn’t spent much time considering communication styles, finance, and family planning. And frankly, after three years of (happy) marriage, they still have some issues as a couple to work out.
My husband and I declined to do marriage counseling. We were married older and had experience managing a single and couple household in the real world. Also, we both had experienced a failed LTR – which can teach you so much more than what you can learn in counseling sessions! We knew going into the relationship what we needed from our partner and what we could provide to them – and we had already been living together for nearly two years. Therefore, we already discussed many (if not all) of the pre-marital topics on our own. We’re still happy with our decision to skip the counseling, although I wouldn’t recommend that to everyone.
@sarakat28: “My favorite was when the one married couple said that most people say a marraige is 50-50 when in all actuality it is more like 100-100.”
This is SO TRUE!!!
We have almost completed all of our Pre-Cana courses. We just took our FOCUS test this week and get the results next week. We are not living together, but we had already talked about all of the topics that came up in courses, seriously all of the topics. I thought that the FOCUS test was very redundant and asked us the same questions over and over in different ways. We are both accountants, so the crazy amount of finance questions got old fast because we definitely have that stuff figured out. Although I don’t think the classes helped us any, I do see the point. I feel like the classes are for couples who haven’t dated long, or just haven’t thought about these topics yet, and need to discuss it first. With the divorce rate the way it is I can’t blame the church for trying to help us out before we commit.
Wowzers! What a question… I would just be glad it was over. One more thing off your list. Hooray!
My favorite FOCCUS question was “A vigorous sex life is important to my marriage”. Yeah, wasn’t expecting that being the 2nd question!
Like you, Mr. Sweet and I didn’t feel like we needed the Engaged Encounter, Pre-Cana stuff. I thought we did but when we did it, it was like we’d already talked about everything. I think you’re just meant to be!
I love my counseling sessions ! It was wonderful ! I realized that I need to learn a lot how to become a wife and a mother. It was a great basic for our marriage. After we’re married, I’m sure that I will meet our elder to have counseling again, this time, the real practice is right in front of us.
Your fear after that agree/disagree statement was hillarious and unexpected! I cracked up so loud my mom glanced over at me with the weirdest expression; yeah she’s laughing at her laptop again…
We too just finished our pre-marital counseling sessions this week. I was a little sad. I thoroughly loved our pastor and our sessions have been fun!! Our counseling has been helpful in terms of getting a third party view of our relationship and having someone point out what we need to work on. I didn’t realize how healthy, supportive, etc. our relationship was until someone from the outside told me. It just seemed normal, you know?
As far as the test we took before the sessions, I never encountered a question like yours! That’s crazy! But I guess they have to cover all the bases?
My marital course workbook actually had a section that said that men’s top 5 needs in a marriage were
1. Sex
2. Shared interests
3. Admiration
4. Peace & Quiet
5. Attractive spouse
You’ve got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! I’m supposed to be a pretty silent wife who loves everything he does and admires him while giving blowjobs all the time.
Remarkable things here. I am very happy to look your article. Thank you a lot and I’m taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?
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Mrs. Joey, Seattle Age and Occupation: 28, Project Administrator for Public Health NGO Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, High School History Teacher Engagement Date: June 24, 2008 Wedding Date: August 2009 Venue: Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe About Me: I'm a Seattle girl through and through except for the fact that I don't drink coffee. I love my job most of the time because I get to travel and work with brilliant people who are trying to prevent Malaria. I love DIY projects of all sorts, cooking, and watching sports. I'd wear anything at Anthropologie and could spend all day on Etsy. I love to travel but shouldn't because I always get myself into unbelievable situations!
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