Wedding Blog
I think about my mom a lot as I get older. She has always been the best mom possible to me, even though I wasn’t always the best daughter to her. (I was a pretty “typical” angsty teenage/college girl.) My mom, an intelligent, witty, polite and sensible woman, devoted her whole life to raising me with those same traits and more. She wasn’t my best friend growing up, but now that I respect her firm attitude toward parenting, she means more to me than ever.
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So it really sucks that she lives over 1500 miles away. (Yes, I did grow up just 20 miles from Grand Forks, but just as my parents and I were starting to forge a healthier relationship, they had an opportunity to move to a more desirable location on the East Coast. Of course, I supported this… but it sucks not having them around.)
My mom and I have a lot of differences, but we’re really similar in a lot of ways, too. We like similar colors and similar clothing styles, for example. We shop at the same stores. We’re the kind of mom and daughter who might show up at the airport (after not seeing each other for 6 months or more) wearing the same color shirt, pants and shoes. Possibly even the same exact shirt. (This has actually happened more than once. Unplanned.)
Every time I see my folks, it’s harder to say goodbye. We’re all getting older and the way life is going so far, I don’t know that we’ll ever live within reasonable driving distance of each other. It’s hard to swallow now; I’m sure it’ll be worse once Mr. MJ and I (eventually) have kids.
What does this have to do with wedding planning? Well, I don’t have her around to go shopping with me. To help with planning. To meet for lunch to chat about flowers and shoes and paper products. I can’t go over to her house and whip out her old wedding album for some courthouse inspiration. I’m very thankful for email, Google Docs, digital photos and the telephone, but it’s definitely not the same. My parents will be flying in a day or so before the wedding, and they’ll leave the day after the party.
This post is for all the moms and daughters out there who are missing out on a lot of fun stuff because of the distance that separates them. We can’t all jet across the country at a moment’s notice to go to dress boutiques or hair trials together. But we can try to include our moms as much as possible. If you miss your mom, let her know. And find ways for her to get involved from a distance.
If your mom is nearby, don’t forget about her in the midst of your planning. I’ve done this before, and I know my mom was hurt. I thought I could do it all by myself - and I did - but what I forgot was that even though it was MY wedding, it was also HER daughter’s wedding. It’s a big, bittersweet deal for a mom. Include her if you can. And listen to her advice. You don’t necessarily have to follow it. My mom and I don’t always agree, but I recognize that she’s probably having a certain opinion for a reason, and that reason may deserve my consideration.
Is your mom (or someone equally important to you) far away? How are you sharing your wedding with them?
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Share this post: A Missing Mother
Interesting. My mom and I live in the same city, but she could honestly care less about helping me with wedding planning. Sure, she listens patiently when I tell her about color schemes, bridesmaid dresses, and flowers–but she doesn’t really get the fact that I want to go all out for my wedding. She is very supportive, just not involved at all in the planning process. Actually, my mom would probably prefer it if I was having a wedding more like yours!
I was very much feeling this today. I was out shopping for bridal jewelry and I really don’t have an eye for it; I tried calling my mom from the store but she didn’t answer. I really wish she could be around for more of my planning! I, too, was kind of a nasty teenager but we get along great now — but we’re separated by a good distance.
My mom and I are SO similar — and as I matured, I realized our relationship’s best when we’re a little bit away from each other. We talk more and fight less…and we bonded a ton (almost daily calls for over an hour each!) while I was 300 miles away in grad school.
She’s just a 15 minute drive from me now, but I think we both take the proximity for granted and don’t talk on the phone as much as we could. We communicate a lot, though, by email…and she even follows my personal blog!
I miss my mom a lot throughout this process. She lives 1500 miles away from me, too, and it sucked that she couldn’t be with me when I found my dream dress.
I think its important to make certain family members that mean a lot to you have an amazing time at your wedding. I am hoping that my Grandmother comes to my wedding. She lives in Puerto Rico and after my grandfather died she hasnt wanted to leave the island. I am hoping more than anything that she comes to my wedding because she meanns so much to me.
I miss my mom so much, too! As I grow older, she’s the one I turn to the most (after my fiancé) for advice. I’ve been calling her a lot for help/advice about the wedding, and luckily she’s been very supportive about helping from a distance!
I’m missing my mom tons too. She’s on the other side of the planet and it really stinks doing wedding stuff without her. (I actually had a teary phone call with her yesterday about it!) I’m saving up so many wedding things to do with her when I visit in a month.
Thanks for this post Miss MJ. I miss my mom too. Unfortunately Google Docs doesn’t work where she is (at least not yet :)). She passed away in 2005, and the whole wedding planning thing is extremely difficult without her. Like you, my mom and I were not always in agreement growing up, but I loved and respected her, and as I grew older she easily became my very best friend. It is hard doing this without her. I second your reminder to all about trying to include your mom, and making sure she feels a part of it. I am sorry you are missing out on the fun mother daughter wedding stuff too. I certainly understand how you feel. It sucks!! And I thank you for this post, because its nice to know that I am not alone.
My mother is amazing and I hurt her way beyond what I thought I was capable of by shutting her out of my life in high school and college. We have repaired our relationship, but I never knew how much including her in my life would enhance it.
You’re very lucky that your mom is interested in the details of your wedding. My mom cares, but she really isn’t interested in the details at all. I thought she was so I started a blog to keep her informed from a distance, I called her every day, and I asked her to help with two areas I thought she would enjoy. Now that I’ve come home for mother’s day she’s told me that she’s not interested in helping with ideas and that I should just do everything myself. She also said she’s not interested in blogs. I really wanted my mom to be involved, I’m really missing her too.
I lived within an hour of my mom until very recently until they also made a big move and now we are about a 9 hour drive so I am with you on everything you were saying. I too, have left her out and was feeling very sad today without her as I was knocking out wedding tasks.
Digital cameras, skype, google docs, and email have saved our lives!
When I was engaged to my ex-FI, my mom was 2000 miles away, and it used to break my heart that we didn’t have those moments I had always dreamed of…oohing & ahhing over THE dress…and crying together knowing it was “IT”. I always knew in my heart she didn’t approve of my ex, but she still was gung-ho helping me plan thru email & 7 daily phone calls.
Now I have met my Mr Right, I am blessed that I know & see how much she loves him, and she is just 30 minutes up the road so this time we will get to share those moments.
My heart goes out to all of you who do not have your mom close by, but like ktbride2be just said, technology is wonderful for helping ease (although not erase) the distance.
Hi Girls,
At least you guys have your moms to talk to. Mine past away three years ago. I miss her and I cant talk to her. Wish she could be in my wedding.
Every day I notice I’m becoming more and more like my mother! 10 years ago that would have scared me, but now I love and welcome those similarities!
We are only about a 4 hour drive from one another but I still only see her a few times a year because she’s busy with work and raising my younger brother and I’m busy with work and well life!
I miss her daily and it was heartbreaking and hard for me to not be able to be with her today and throughout this wedding planning process!
I still hope that someday we’ll live in the same city/town!
My mom and I have a similar relationship, but we live closer together. We definitely still but heads, and I continue to include her in the planning, but my mom always had a different vision for my wedding…so we have our differences, but I know in the end it will all work out.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 yrs old and now almost 10 years later I still get sad to see them drive away after they come and visit. My parents live about 4 hours away from me but since I rely on public transportation it makes it impossible sometimes to see them. I wish my mom lived closer so she can give me her input on certain things. She did manage to come down here to help me pick out my dress but that’s about it. We are trying to arrange it so that she can stay a week with me next month and we can focus on wedding stuff but until now I’m pretty much on my own. Awww…this post is making me miss my mommy! : ( Yesterday my FI actually told me that I am beginning to sound a lot like my mom. ( He meant it as a compliment.)
Thank you for writing this! My Mom is very far and we do as much as we can by swapping pics and ideas through e-mail but I miss her so much!
I think its important to make certain family members that mean a lot to you have an amazing time at your wedding. I am hoping that my Grandmother comes to my wedding. She lives in Puerto Rico and after my grandfather died she hasnt wanted to leave the island.
My mom isn’t far away but sometimes I have a hard time including her since our styles and tastes are SO different. Why ask her opinion when I already know she’s going to hate it? But it’s definitely true that I should try to include her more, even if I don’t actually follow through on her suggestions. I’m glad she was able to take on the task of throwing the bridal shower for me, because I think she feels more involved- and couldn’t be happier about it!
I just got all choked up! I just had to call my mom to tell her that I miss her and wish we could do fun planning stuff together. I’m in Miami and my mom is in Dallas. The FMIL is in Pittsburgh. I’m pretty much all on my own. We are planning a couple trips for her to come down and help with planning. So I’m going to do most of the legwork and come up with 3 options and have her go with me.
I thought by not bothering my mom with all the little details and nit-picking I was doing, I was saving her the headaches and bridezilla moments. But boy did I realize I was wrong a few weeks ago when my brother mentioned she felt like she wasn’t getting to help.. oops! Now I let her voice opinions and find inspiration photos online, and if it gets to be too much, I know she’ll speak up.
My Mom is far away as well. I moved across country for grad school. It’s definitely tough for her having me be so far away AND feeling like she can’t believe I’m growing up & getting married. We’ve had fun on my visits home doing planning & just enjoying each other’s company.
Great post.
My mom is on another continent, so I can totally relate. I planned almost everything by myself early on, then I realized she was hurt that she couldn’t do more of the “mother/daughter” activities that most moms get to do. I’ve tried to include her more now, but I still wish it could have been different!
I’m so thankful to be close to my mom during wedding planning. She’s not creative crafty or organized but she is so loving and wiling to help…her support has been invaluable.
At first, I sort of did my own thing, made my own decisions without consulting mom who lives about 980 miles away. I found out she thought I was trying to shut her out of my life, and since then I have sent pictures or descriptions of just about everything I’ve done. It’s helped with the relationship as a whole.
Oh, I totally know how you feel! My mom is about the same distance apart as you and your mom and we also have similar tastes and personalities. When I read the line about you and your mom would probably show up in the same top, it made me laugh because me and mom would do something like that too!
It has been very difficult having her so far away as we plan the wedding. For me it is nice having her where she is because that is where we are getting married. She has helped me a lot. Most recently her and my aunt (who is one of my BM’s) went to a few boutiques to try on BM’s dresses. No one from my bridal party lives where I am so it was nice to have them do this fo me. Of course they took pictures so I could see the dresses on someone other than a perfect model. I am thankful for e-mail and phone so I can keep in touch but I don’t think it will ever be easy not having her close by regardless of whether there is a wedding to plan.
I’m really glad that I’ll be only 40 minutes away from my mom for a month during the summer. It’s a lot better than the 4 hours I’m usually away from her. I’m kinda dreading where I’ll get my first job out of college because it could make our distance more like yours. 
Thank you for this post — I LOVE LOVE LOVE your posts so much and this one hit home too. I know exactly what you mean about it getting harder and harder to say goodbye. I miss my parents and especially my Mom SO MUCH after they leave from their visits…
I totally understand my Mom lives in London and I only get to see her around twice a year I do wish she was closer, giving advice over the phone is hard sometimes : (
I only wish my mom was 1500 miles away. My mom passed away almost a year a go and I wasn’t able to share any part of the wedding planning with her. You can call your mom every night, send her emails with pictures, send her videos, ask her for advice and suggestions. I wish I could do that. I wish I was as lucky as you. I hope you appreciate what you have.
To all of you whose mothers have passed on - I am deeply sorry for your loss. This post was definitely supposed to be about appreciating what I (and the rest of us whose moms are still around) have; it wasn’t my intention to gloat over someone some of you have lost. I couldn’t imagine losing my mother; I’m definitely thankful for her every day.
So I just got teary eyed!
Sheesh…I live in Canada and my mum lives in the Netherlands, so I feel the distance. We are really close, but have learned to deal with the distance over the past few years (She’s been there for 7 years). But the angst/missing feelings have surfaced more lately with wedding planning and the thoughts of dress shopping etc. Nonetheless, I am definitely grateful that I still have her, even if its at a distance.
My nanny passed away when my mum was only 18, so I’ve always been acutely aware of what I have that she didn’t…and will always appreciate and adore her…even if our opinions aren’t always the same 
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Mrs. Mary Jane, Grand Forks, ND
Age and Occupation: 26, Instructional Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Lead Programmer
Engagement Date: February 28, 2009
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: City Hall
About Me: I'm a career woman on the surface and a homemaker at heart. I love fast cars and high heels, and my favorite food is cake. Mr. Mary Jane and I are both full-time employees and students, and we just bought our first house. We love to curl up on the couch with buttery popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, and the latest Netflix arrival -- whenever we can get a break from everyday life.
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