Wedding Blog
The passing of my beloved dog Mieko got me thinking: Can I have kids? Losing Mieko was like losing a sibling. It hurts so hard and so deep. My parents cried for days before and after — and so did I. He was part of our family, and losing him is really, really hard.
Losing Mieko made me think about kids. If this is what it’s like to worry about the health of a dog, then crap, what’s it like with kids? Mr. Joey and I weren’t 100% sure we wanted kids. When we first started dating, he didn’t want kids, and I was sure I wanted them. As time has passed, he’s come around. His brother wasn’t sure he wanted kids, either. Both FBIL Joey and his wife were focused on their careers. FBIL Joey is a professor and his wife is a neurologist. But FBIL also came around and now Mr. Joey is uncle to two very cute little boys.
I, on the other hand, have gone the other way, a little. I was so sure I wanted kids, and then I got a job where I travel a lot. Could I really be a mom and travel? Could I give up traveling? I know it sounds selfish, but traveling is a disease for me. No joke. I get fidgety and tense if I haven’t traveled in a while. My Dad worked on a Greek merchant ship for 10 years and traveled the world before he married — it’s in our blood. I’ve been actively traveling internationally since I was 16 years old. Could I really stop? And if I didn’t stop, would it be fair to leave Mr. Joey to care for a child alone for weeks at a time?
I tell myself that if we decide to have kids, we’ll figure it out. All parents do, right? But then, Mieko got sick and passed away, and I wondered if I could handle a little Joey. Could I handle a little one getting sick? I’m not so sure. Could I even handle having another dog?
For all of you with kids, that are pregnant, or sure you will have kids, how did you know? How did you know you could handle all the blessings that children bring, and all of the heartache that is possible? For those of you who have lost a pet, how did you know you could love another furry one?
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Oh Miss Joey - I totally feel for you right now. We had to put my dog down 2 years ago and whenever I go home to my parents’ house, I still expect her to greet me at the door. 
I have had many similar thoughts to your post above. For how much it hurts when a dog passes away, I, too, wonder if it is worth it to have another because Lord knows it hurts when they are gone. Sending you many hugs!!
Well - to use the dog analogy…would you trade all those years with your dog just so you wouldn’t have to deal with the heartache of losing the dog? I think that’s it’s the same way with kids.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dog! But having children is a huge decision but if you choose to have children you will not regret it. You can’t even grasp how much love you will have for your children. I wasn’t sure I wanted a child when I had my daughter and honestly I can’t imagine life without her. It’s totally worth it.
I couldn’t agree with Emily more. I’ve also wondered if kids “fit” into my life.. after talking to my Mom about she informed me that there’s never a “good time” or a “right time” to have a family. If you “save it for a rainy day,” so to speak, you’ll never do it. Something will ALWAYS come up. So you just DO IT! (gosh not to be crass lol but literally and figuratively!) and the reward outweighs the sacrifice!
I personally don’t see having kids as a means to ending travel. I, too, have been traveling internationally since I as 17 and don’t see it ever leaving my system. My husband-to-be is in the Air Force, so when the time comes to have kids they will no doubt be traveling around with us.
Growing up I traveled SO much as a kid and I’m thankful for it now, so I hope to give my kids someday the same opportunity if not with more places for them to travel!
I don’t have kids and I am in a similar boat as you. I actually thought I never wanted them and now I’m thinking I might. But there are still days that I’m glad I don’t have any kids so I am not sure that I would really want them. A lot of people with kids say they are the best thing but the cynic in me says is it really okay to say, “I regret having children.” Wouldn’t people look at you like you had 2 heads?! But I certainly know people who act like they regret having kids. It’s a heavy heavy decision and I wish more people would take it more seriously. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone out here with the kids or not confusion.
I think that you will figure it out with the passing of time. Parenting is a huge sacrifice and before you have them, you will have to decide if you want to sacrifice that much of yourself. I think that even as young adults we are very selfish and into our needs, dreams, and desires, and when you have kids, you have to be willing to sacrifice at least a little and give a whole lot. I cannot imagine my life without kids, without the annoying cries and at the same time, the priceless moments. They bring more to your life than you could never imagine. As a teacher, I think about the kids in my class. They ERK my nerves, but they are hilarious and beautiful and curious.
I am just trying to get over the childbirth part. Perhaps I should never have watched all those childbirth shows!!!!
I lost a family dog years ago and it took a long time to decide to get another one. My mom still hasn’t been able to take that step. But I think seeing me with my dog has helped her see it’s possible to love a new furry one as much as the last even if they’re completely different creatures, they each provide their own kind of love.
I think the answer is the same for both kids and dogs (and not to get overly philosophical) but you’ll know when you’re ready IF you’re ever ready again. There’s always an excuse… I also love to travel… but if you want it enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.
My husband’s thought is “I think I’d regret not having kids more than I’d regret having kids.” It sounds kind of cold, but at least it’s honest.
I have no kids of my own Miss Joey, and though i am sure I want them, i know I am not ready. I do know a little about dealing with sicked loved ones, and sick kids as well. I lost my mom, and in that experience I learned a great deal about who I am and how much the human spirit can take and grow from such an incredibly deep loss. I also worked in the Hem Onc ward at children’s hospital for years, and watched parent’s deal with some very very sick little ones. Again, the unbelievable strength of the human spirit is amazing. Whether you decide to have children or not, or have another fur baby, or not, you will be amazed by the depth of your love and the depth of your strength. God never gives us more than we can handle. I am sure that when you come to the point to make the decision, you will be just fine. I am really sorry about Mieko. I hope you will be okay.
I used to think I didn’t (for similar reasons to you). Then one day I just woke up and I DID. Hardcore. I was about 30 when this happened. I don’t know why the change happened, but all of a sudden the what-ifs and the scary stuff, worrying whether I could handle it (the things you are talking about) were completely surpassed by the total joy I felt at the possibility of having a baby. That is not to say that those fears went away, but that the stronger emotion was desire, not fear. I guess maybe wait a few years and see whether something similar happens to you.
And remember, whatever you decide is OK. I think people should make a choice TO have children. Most people act like the big choice is to NOT have children.
PS - I am a crazy dog lady myself, so I do know where you are coming from with your feelings about Mieko.
I’m 8 mo pregnant right now and have a special dog in my life 
Fortunately, our beloved pup is still with us (and hopefully will be for at least a few more years), but I did bawl while reading the end of Marley and Me. And honestly, if there is ANY connection between being crushed by the loss of a dog and being able to be a good parent, then it is that it is a sign of being a good parent. It shows that you can care and love for another life. I would certainly not start thinking that you’d be unable to manage the hardships of being a parent. Yes, I’m prepared to worry. I already do. But that’s called being a good parent (and nothing makes you appreciate what your parents went through with you than raising a child!)
As for how I (and DH) knew we wanted children… we just did! Sorry I can’t give a better description. The best I can say, is that I knew it was time for us when (1) my body let me know… big time, and (2) the look on DH face when watching children changed from “I want that” to “I want that NOW.” I think most people will feel when it’s right for them. And while it’s good to prepare, don’t feel like you need to be 100% ready - that will never happen!
Also - my sympathies! Just thinking about loosing our dog… oh, so sad. {{ HUGS }}
I used to love kids A LOT and wanted them by the time I was 23 (I turn 24 next month and will be married at 25). I am so glad that I don’t have kids yet and it has really made me think whether I want them or not. I think we do at some point, but we both really want to focus on our careers and make sure we are financially stable before we take that leap. Not to mention we really only want one or two (we are both only children and have enjoyed it). So we’ll see!
our dog’s really old and ill right now and it’s a very tough time for me — i’m overseas and unable to make a return trip now
we both don’t intend to have kids. i’m sorta undecided, he’s adamantly against — but he’s thinking of getting us a kitten after we’re married! ha!
I had to have my cat put to sleep about 8 months ago, after a sudden and brief illness. I didn’t sleep for two weeks after and broke down crying all the time. For the first two months I couldn’t imagine the thought of having another pet because I didn’t want to go through that kind of loss again. Of course now, 6 months after that, my fiance and I are looking to adopt another cat. That doesn’t mean I don’t still cry for my darling girl anymore. It just means I’m ready to love a new furry person.
Weirdly, in terms of children, it had never occurred to me until thinking about commenting on this post, but committing to children despite the potential for pain and heartache really isn’t that different from committing to a spouse. The potential is always there to lose people we love. That’s not really an answer, I guess. Just a thought.
I don’t have kids, but I do know a family where both the mom and the dad have to travel quite a bit for their jobs. Neither of them are ever gone for weeks at a time, but they’re still a really really close family. So, it is possible to make it work, although you may be inclined to shorten your trips.
They also have a foster daughter about ten years older than their oldest kid, who helps out in the house a lot, and she’s really one of the family. So, something to think about.
Just remember that you and your parents gave Mieko a very good and happy life - full of love. Would you have been better off with Mieko or did he make your life happier/better? I think deep down inside, you know that your life was enriched by his presence (and Mieko by your presence)…and so you’ll feel the same way when you have a kid or another dog.
Who says that kids and international travel are mutually exclusive?
My dog died a few years ago, and still if I think about it too much or see photos I can’t help but tear up. My hubby went through it with my dog & his, so we have both agreed at this point we don’t see any dogs in our future. Gosh, I never thought about it happening with kids, I couldn’t imagine, so thanks for the food for thought!
I’m so sorry for your loss, but I hope that the good memories far surpass the heartache. I think the same is true with children. No matter how your life changes after you have children, I don’t think you could ever look back with regrets. I have a lot of things I want to do before I have children, but if I don’t get them done, I know that I will still be able to live life to the fullest WITH my family. I used to think I needed to be more stable, more traveled, more…everything…but if you wait til those things happen, you may never have children.
I feel your pain, I had to put my dog down last winter, a couple days before Christmas. I bawled my eyes out. In the end, it helped to remember that our dog had 15 happy years with a family who loved her very much. When she got sick at the end, we did what was best for her (instead of being selfish) and let her go peacefully. It is still somewhat sad to think of it months later, but I am happy to say that we recently rescued a puppy from being put down - and we love him to death! While he will never replace our old, beloved pet - he definitely helped fill a void. (we missed having a dog all of those months!) I thought I could never have another dog again; putting our dog down hurt SOO much. But once time dulls the pain, you smile at the memories and perhaps find room in your heart for a new pet. Best of luck!
Just reading this post makes me tear up thinking about my cat that we had to put to sleep this past winter, also just days before Christmas. It was an incredibly hard thing to do. Our cat was with us for 10 years and then suddenly became ill. Poor Mieko! I am so sorry.
I agree with Emily’s post way at the top. I wouldn’t trade in all the years of memories with my cat for the fear of dealing with the loss. At times we feel pain and at times we feel happiness. That ability to have emotion is what makes us human.
I feel for you Ms. Joey! I think it’s hard to compare pets to children. Pets most certainly will pass before you, so that is something that you have to be prepared for (as best you can). Right after a pet passes, it can be hard to imagine getting another furry friend, but I think it’s important to remember that a new pet will just fill a different space in your life.
As for children, from what I’ve heard, you’ll never be ready. You’ll never be at the perfect place in your life, financially stable “enough”, or completely emotionally ready. Even if you think you’re ready…you probably aren’t. If you are worried about missing traveling, you never know how you will feel in 5 years. I think it’s important to keep the door open, because your feelings could shift again in the future!
Though I’ve always loved children, I couldn’t imagine having them myself, especially having one failed relationship after another. And then my fiance and I moved in together and I had a very real sensation deep in my gut of wanting to have his children. This was about a year and a half ago. About a month ago, we learned that a friend of ours was pregnant and we both dealt with something similar to envy before confessing that we really wanted to have children as soon as we can.
I’ll be 31 next week and I’ve travelled extensively and lived abroad (currently still an expat) for the past few years and I thought my wanderlust would never die. Now, the thought of going to the airport feels me with dread and new cities and towns make me go “meh”. I’m really ready to become the cliche and “settle down”.
That’s all to say that you can’t predict or learn from the experience of others to determine if and when you’ll get that feeling of wanting to have children. That feeling will come from very deep inside and it will cover your head and your heart. And you can travel with your kids. It’s tough (I have two friends travelling to my wedding from Montreal to Scotland with kiddies then travelling on to Paris/London), but, like everything, with a little planning and a sense of humour, you can do it. Of course, if you decide that having children is not right for you, be confident in your decision and know you can live a happy and full life without them.
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Oh, Miss Joey. I feel so bad for you about your dog. We were a doggy family growing up, and we always had between three and five dogs at any one time. That meant that I had to see a LOT of beloved furry family (that is what my sister calls pets) die. I wouldn’t trade it in for the love I had for them, though. I had wonderful times with those dogs (and the two cats we had too). We had to put down my 18-yr-old cat in 2003 (I got him when I was six). Last month when I visited my parents they had an orange tea-cosy on top of the microwave, and for a split second I really thought it was my cat up there.
I don’t have kids, but I’m in the same boat as you (without the travelling dilemma). I also feel like I’m too selfish and not ready to have to deal with looking after someone else, and being their source of comfort and wisdom. It’s hard. But I agree with the PP who said that if and when you DO have them, it will just work out, because there’s never a “right time”.
I’v ben crying since I read your last post. Oh, don’t feel bad, it was only like 20 minutes ago and I’m kinda crazy. It’s so hard to lose a pet because we loved them so much. Would you have traded all those years with your puppy so you wouldn’t feel the pain when he was gone? I doubt it. Realize that having the responsibility of a pet or a child means giving something, but also realize how much you gain. It’s worth the pain.
I think with pets there is a natural grieving process, but it doesn’t take long before you’re stealing looks at puppy porn, and pretty soon you’re at the pound “just looking.” And once you’re there you may as well be ready to take one home because you always end up falling in love with one! For me it took a couple of years, but I know some people that get a new dog right away.
As for kids? Oh man, I don’t know. I’m in the military, so I would be gone all the time as a mother, and that scares me. I miss my DOG as much as my FI, and I’m sure I’d miss my kids more. But I’m still open to it. I’m just not sure I want them now.
I am so so sorry about your doggie!
But I do want to echo what Lauren said regarding relationships. You can’t be afraid to have a relationship (spouse or child) just because you might lose them some day. If you really, truly don’t want children, like I don’t, then don’t have them. But don’t let possible pain someday be the reason you don’t.
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Mrs. Joey, Seattle
Age and Occupation: 28, Project Administrator for Public Health NGO
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, High School History Teacher
Engagement Date: June 24, 2008
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe
About Me: I'm a Seattle girl through and through except for the fact that I don't drink coffee. I love my job most of the time because I get to travel and work with brilliant people who are trying to prevent Malaria. I love DIY projects of all sorts, cooking, and watching sports. I'd wear anything at Anthropologie and could spend all day on Etsy. I love to travel but shouldn't because I always get myself into unbelievable situations!
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