Lucky

Lucky

May 12th, 2009 @ 10:56 am by Mrs. Cheese
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This post has been brewing since long before I was a Weddingbee blogger, and it bubbled up to the front of my mind while listening to the radio this weekend. You know that song, “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colby Callait? “I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend…” Yea, that one. That song’s not for me.

My fiance is not my best friend.

My first husband was my best friend; he was my everything. When I was with him, I depended on him completely for emotional support. He helped me carry the burdens of my job, my stress and my dramas. If you’d asked me then, I would have told you there could be no other way. How could you be loyal wife if you had another best friend? Was I supposed to talk about him to other people? No way.

Times have changed, lessons have been learned. I have a best friend — who is my MOH — upon whom I rely when my eyes are puffy from crying and I can’t see where I screwed up. I have a mom who has a knack for sifting through the crap and pulling out the important stuff. I have a dad who can always be counted on as an example of how to do it; he doesn’t even need to say anything. My brother fields frantic phone calls over petty crap (even wedding stuff… he will be a perfect groom someday) and my sister dispenses relationship advice with her particular brand of directness. Oh, yea, and I have a therapist. I’m a very intense person, and it takes a village to get me through life, but I’m lucky enough to have a whole host of people who are willing to do that for me. Because it’s about me.

We’ve survived — thrived, even — in this relationship because of my willingness to air my fears to people other than him. When I look back to my first marriage, I see clearly how many of my hang-ups could have been avoided had I been willing to talk about them with someone… anyone. Perspective is so important to keeping my Crazy under control. This blog proves that point. Not once have I regretted being completely (and sometimes painfully) honest about my fears and doubts. Not once.

My fiance — soon, husband — doesn’t have to be my everything. I suspect he’d do a bang up job, but I’ve found it healthier for me if I have a community of support rather than ask one single person to bear that load. He’s the person to whom I’m closest; I carry him in my heart. But I’m not in love with my best friend, though she is pretty freaking awesome.

I suspect this is a matter of semantics, but I’m curious, do you consider your fiance/ hubby your best friend?

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59 Responses to “Lucky”

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Guest

Linda

Thank you for writing this!!!!
I feel the same way every time I hear “you’re my best friend” in wedding vows. I don’t consider my FI my best friend. He’s my love and the person closest to me, but my best friend is and always will be my MOH! Everyone thinks I’m so weird for saying this, but I 100% agree with you!

5/12/09 @ 11:12 am (reply)

Member

AshCat (message) 11 posts, Newbee

Clever post. I think it’s smart not to put all your eggs in one basket, Miss Cheese. You’ve lived and learned, and have a healthy perspective.

5/12/09 @ 11:13 am (reply)

Bee

Miss Cheese (message) 801 posts, Busy bee

Do you all have that song stuck in your heads now? Sorry about that… it is a sweet song, at least, not like the latest Beyonce song which I have to rush to change the station on or else it’s stuck for DAYS.

5/12/09 @ 11:15 am (reply)

Member

Newport Nuptials (message) 1,230 posts, Bumble bee

I do consider my fi to be my best friend. Although I totally see what your saying. During the begininng of our relationship, I made him my everything and only thing.

Within the past year, especially, we have matured a lot and have grown as individuals. He’s still my best friend, but I have learned to open up to all the other important people in my life and find more of a balance. I go to different friends and family members for different things. I think it’s awesome you have a village of people who are there for you, it reminds em of my friends and family and it means the world to have that many supportive people in your life.

5/12/09 @ 11:16 am (reply)

Member

Newport Nuptials (message) 1,230 posts, Bumble bee

And yes, I do have that song stuck in my head! Haha

5/12/09 @ 11:16 am (reply)

Member

SpinningJenny (message) 557 posts, Busy bee

I hear you on this one. ^_^ I think it perhaps is semantics in a way, but I honestly get nervous when people say “He’s my everything” or “He’s my best friend.” Not nervous that they’re co-dependant, because I know that’s not what they mean. But nervous that, for me, in my opinion, I know that I can’t be so wrapped up in just one other person to the exclusion of all else.

My twin sister will always be my best friend and Mr. Spin will always be the person I love, laugh and live with. But I don’t live FOR him. He can’t be my everything because I need to offer something of myself to him, not just a reflection.

But I think my English degree makes me think about the phrasing and subtext of this perhaps a bit too much. ^_^

5/12/09 @ 11:19 am (reply)

Member

SweetSalz21 (message) 91 posts, Worker bee

I think the problem is that people think you can only have one best friend. My MOH, my mom and my FI are my best friends. I think about who I run to when something happens (good or bad) and those are the 3 people I tell first. It’s healthy to not put all your eggs in one basket. I just have more than one basket

5/12/09 @ 11:20 am (reply)

Guest

Trisha

totally agreed. i think it’s so dangerous to put your everything into one person, especially seeing the relationships around me. Once someone gets into a relationship with another person, they seem to push everyone else away because their significant other HAS become that “best friend,” but what about their other established, great relationships? it seems to be something that has been forced upon them by our culture: my boyfriend/fiance/husband = my best friend.

..not always!

5/12/09 @ 11:24 am (reply)

Member

lavenderpug (message) 284 posts, Helper bee

thanks for this post, miss cheese. i’m with you and linda. i love my fiance–he makes my life indescribably better and i’m all the happier with him–but i wouldn’t call him my best friend. he’s one of my greatest friends, but “best” would be unfair considering my relationship with my sister and college friend.

it’s a personal issue so i’m not trying to criticize anyone who does think of their FI’s as their best friend. i actually think that’s so sweet & lovely and sometimes i wonder if there’s something wrong that i don’t feel the same way (hence my appreciation for the post which makes me realize that people do feel differently on this subject!).

5/12/09 @ 11:26 am (reply)

10.

Bee

Mrs. Sushi (message) 1,479 posts, Bumble bee

You always have such a good (and honest) take on things.
I do consider hubby a best friend, but he’s not my only best friend. And he’s not the best friend that I tell EVERYTHING to. Actually maybe hubby is more like my best companion. I have a couple other besties that I vent too…and sometimes vent to about hubby. hehe.

5/12/09 @ 11:28 am (reply)

11.

Member

lobstergirl (message) 260 posts, Helper bee

I definitely consider my FI one of my best friends. But I guess like you I require some extra support to keep the crazy under control. When my mom was still alive, she used to be able to handle all of my crazy (she was a pretty remarkable individual), now, like you said, it takes a village. Though FI knows pretty much everything about me, and gets to hear most of the crazy, sometimes he doesn’t get it. After all, he is only one man. So, though FH hears everything, I too rely on others to sometimes talk me down/ or up, or just girl chat (after all how is FI supposed to girl chat anyway). My sister who understands my past and all my stupid hang ups, and my best friend and bridesmaid, who never judges my OCD tendencies.

5/12/09 @ 11:32 am (reply)

12.

Member

jesstagirl (message) 629 posts, Busy bee

thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I’ve always felt…”wrong” for not thinking of my FI as my best friend. I mean, I tell him everything and we have no secrets, but he’s not my best friend. He’s my fiance, the love of my life, and soon to be my husband, but not my best friend. He’s just so much more than that. My best friend is my MOH and a guy I grew up with and I consider them my best friends because I know that despite how long we go without seeing each other we can pick up right where we left off. Besides, I need someone to complain to when my FI is being annoying, and that’s what best friends are for!

Thanks again for this post and making me feel less like a bad person for not making him my best friend!

5/12/09 @ 11:36 am (reply)

13.

Member

amy77jc (message) 276 posts, Helper bee

FH is my best friend… but he’s not my only best friend. And i agree… spread the support. have a community of friends to be there for you… b/c at the end of the day… I need more support too

5/12/09 @ 11:36 am (reply)

14.

Hostess

LittleBear (message) 800 posts, Busy bee

I do consider my FI to be my best friend and have for a long time. I am very confident in that and believe that it is the best relationship to have for us. Everyone is different and I think it is important to respect those differences.
That being said, I also have 5 other people in my life who are also my best friends. I talk to them about different things that come up and listen to their perspectives. I think that is so important to hear different ideas, cause there are always so many sides to each issue and my FI could never possibly see all of them. I do not rely on my FI for everything. I am my own person and am very independent and think that we have a very balanced life and consider each other to be our best(est) friend

5/12/09 @ 11:44 am (reply)

15.

Member

Ms. CitySlicker (message) 35 posts, Newbee

Thank you so much for posting this! My FH is one of my closest friends but I think it is so important to have a community of other friends that I can rely on to listen to me complain about initiations!

5/12/09 @ 11:57 am (reply)

16.

Member

CHK (message) 597 posts, Busy bee

Oh I have to agree! Boyfriend is an incredibly wonderful person, whom I love dearly. But he’s not my best friend. By nature I depend on a lot of people for emotional support. My sister is the only person who can know what it was like to grow up in our house, my friends are dealing with many of the same issues I am, and my mom and grandmothers give excellent advice. I love Boyfriend, but sometimes I need to bounce things off of other people who might see it more from my perspective.

Great post!

5/12/09 @ 11:59 am (reply)

17.

Member

Emilydll (message) 428 posts, Helper bee

My fiance is my best friend!
I have a slew of others I consider “best friends”, including my sister.
However my fiance is the first person I want to talk to when I have a bad day! If I’m sad, mad, happy I want to call him first!
It wasn’t always this way but after 8 years together we’ve become one anothers best friend!
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

5/12/09 @ 12:01 pm (reply)

18.

Member

Sparkles (message) 706 posts, Busy bee

I think like with any friend, it depends on the day as to whether if my man is my best friend or not. =o)
More often than not he is. He doesn’t judge me, he doesn’t make me feel insecure. I feel really comfortable as myself with him. And that is the most single relieving thing about him.
But I do understand what you mean by going from a relationship where someone is your everything… to learning that your significant other doesn’t need to be your everything.

5/12/09 @ 12:03 pm (reply)

19.

Member

tea (message) 7,263 posts, Bee Keeper

the bf and i consider each other to be best friends but we also have our own best friends from way before we got together. i think it’s important to maintain that kind of balance.

we don’t tell each other everything and sometimes when things get a little cringe-inducing between us, it’s nice to have our own best friend to go to for some nice chit-chat and perspective straightening.

5/12/09 @ 12:04 pm (reply)

20.

Member

BlushingBride530 (message) 277 posts, Helper bee

Thanks for your honest post, Cheese. You are “lucky” to be surrounded by such a great support group.

Yes, I do consider my fiance my best friend. However, spending quality time with my bridesmaids at dress fittings, my shower and bachelorette party has reinforced to me the importance of having girl friends in my life. I’ll admit that I was not the best at keeping in touch with friends when I landed my first job out of college and met my now fiance.

But now that we’re getting married, I am going to “vow” to keep up the friendships that have been strengthened through the process of planning our wedding. I am looking forward to spending more time with the girls who mean so much to me!

5/12/09 @ 12:13 pm (reply)

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