Wedding Blog
Stand. Sit. Stand. Sit. Stand again. Kneel. Sit. Stand. For anyone unfamiliar with the Catholic faith, attending or participating in a church wedding can be confusing — for some, boring.
And, as we learned upon reserving our date and time, it can also be overwhelming. A few weeks after securing our spot with the parish wedding coordinator, we received a large envelope in the mail, reminiscent of college acceptance packets. Inside, a reference booklet explained every aspect of our upcoming marriage — from information about the Pre-Cana program to the required documents we’d need to complete prior to the wedding.
At first, this guide seemed like a great way to stay organized, with all the key dates, deadlines and phone numbers in one location.
A few pages in, however, we found the six “environmental guidelines”, which place certain limitations on the decorations permitted within and immediately outside the church. I was particularly concerned about numbers three and six:
3) St. Thomas of Villanova parish will provide the flowers in the church for your wedding. The flowers will be coordinated with the church environment. We provide this as a service to our wedding couples and to ensure a quality liturgical environment for all the many services that take place in the Church. No additional flowers or decorations are to be brought into the church.
6) Out of respect for the church building: rice, birdseed, confetti, rose petals, balloon launches are not permitted anywhere on the grounds.
Of course, I realize these details are merely that — small decorative elements to enhance the beauty of the wedding day — and the real focus can and will be on our committing to one another for the rest of our lives. But I can’t help and worry that, with up to two other weddings scheduled in the church on our date, the flowers that are selected for us (and not at all by us) won’t match all the carefully coordinated attire, accessories and, yes, bouquets. And I’m seriously stumped as to how we could have a celebratory exit from the church if tossing anything at the newlyweds is prohibited. (Would bubbles have the same effect?)
Flip a couple more pages, and ten panic-inducing rules restricting wedding photographers and videographers will be staring back up at you. Again, I’d like to preface this diatribe with a disclaimer: I understand some of the restrictions, and would never want our vendors to disrupt the dignity and sacredness of our nuptial mass. That being said, I really think there is a middle ground between being disruptive and disrespectful, and the constraints with which we’ll be forced to comply:
3) Once the ceremony begins, photographers are asked to stand at the back of the church in the center aisle and take all photographs from that site.
4) For the video cameras, there is only one site permitted. The videographer must remain at that location throughout the ceremony. Please check with the Sacristan regarding this location.
7) Due to time limitations, group photos of the couple and/or wedding party are not permitted in the Church.
9) No photography is allowed from the choir loft.
The “Sacristan” referenced in item four will be an (uninvited) guest at our wedding, ensuring our pros follow each of the rules before, during and after the mass. I’ve shared all this information with our photographer and videographer — these policies are one of the reasons we wanted two photographers (so neither will have to move [much] to get great shots), and why we hired our videographer (who has experience working in the St. Thomas of Villanova Church, and is familiar with the locations and angles that produce great footage of the ceremony) — but still worry we might miss capturing important moments.
Reading through this booklet didn’t make me want to have our wedding at the St. Thomas of Villanova Church any less; it did, however, lead me to wonder why the coordinator set such firm restrictions, and what must have happened (one or more seriously disrupted weddings?) to necessitate such a document. And it’s made me wistful for the days when I used to coordinate student masses in this church, with possession of a skeleton key that allowed me to climb to the bell tower in the church spires, and enjoy the view from the choir loft. Part of me wishes I’d made a copy of that key, and that I were brave enough to blatantly disregard the rules keeping our pros from capturing footage in the choir loft — then, of course, part of me feels badly for even thinking of this!
Does your ceremony location come with a laundry list of specifications?
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YES! We’re also getting married at a University’s Chapel and they have some WILD restrictions.
Whoaaa I am getting married in a Catholic church too but they havent told me anything yet. Those rules are intense!
Our (big historic Lutheran) church has a lot of these kinds of restrictions too! They explained to us that with photographers especially, they had some unfortunate incidents - like a phtographer walking down the aisle taking pictures of the bride… and completely obstructing any view the groom could have of her! Most of their rules made sense - but I’m not sure what their video ones are since we don’t have to deal with it. We can’t throw anything either, but eh, we weren’t planning on having that kind of big exit thing anyway.
Btw, I think bubbles would work fine!
Yes! I am having a Catholic wedding as well. B/c my hometown is VERY Catholic, we researched several parishes (having not officially joined any, yet) and found that rules vary by parish. We were able to find a parish with rules and times that worked well for us (but we probably went to 15 or 16 churches before we settled!). We, too, can’t throw anything - and have chosen to have a confetti shower at the entrance to our reception.
I think this is a really interesting post and I really appreciate your reaction to it. I can completely see how these restrictions might cause an extreme reaction from some people but you seem to totally understand where the parish is coming from. The parish I belong to (and grew up in and know like the back of my hand) is one of the prettiest churches in our town and as a result has become a destination for people who have no affiliation and no interest in the church aside from using it as a backdrop for photos. This has meant that lots of people (bride/groom, their families and their guests) don’t treat the church with respect and don’t behave appropriately. It is not like renting a hall or setting up a tent and some people don’t understand that. It’s a sacred place, not just a pile of bricks. I hope that despite the restrictions you will be able to capture the beauty of your day in the church that means so much to you just the way you’d like to!
Not all parishes are that strict. Our is just asking that the videographer not touch the organ. I didn’t ask about rules regarding throwing petals or confetti or what have you, since we’re not planning on doing so.
We are getting married at SS Peters & Paul in Philly. Take your list of restrictions and multiply it by 100, then you will have my ceremony….
Yes! We have many rules as well, but maybe not quite as extreme. We are getting married in a Catholic cathedral as well. We are bringing our own floral arrangements but we do have to get them approved first and we must leave them in the church as decorations for everyone else to enjoy for the following week of mass. We also have the “no rice, birdseed, etc, etc” rule so we are using bells outside the church to make some noise! My sister did this a couple years ago for her wedding and it was a beautiful sound and no mess for the church…everyone was happy 
I had my wedding in a Catholic church too and your rules are virtually identical to mine. I was worried that the rules would somehow impede the quality of the photographs of the ceremony I would get (esp. if the photographers were stuck at the back of the church), but I was totally wrong. The lenses on professional photographers’ cameras are amazing. I had close-up shots of our faces for our first kiss, my groom’s face as I walked down the aisle to meet him…. You would never know they had been standing in the back the whole time! Don’t worry one bit.
My wedding will also be ina Catholic Church and they will also be providing the flowers, I need to ask them about adding little touches to the decoration so we can personalize it and thanks for reminding me about the photographer!
YES! We haven’t even finalized our date with our church, and they are just laying down some crazy rules. Sigh. If our church wasn’t so gorgeous and if our parents didn’t mandate a Catholic ceremony, we’d be seriously rethinking our options. Good luck with the crazy rules.
the church we’re marrying at has very few restrictions -
- no lillies (allergies)
- and photographer can’t be all walking around and up in everyone’s business during the ceremony
- no rice but seeds are fine
beyond that there’s nothing worth noting. we were talking to photographers recently who asked where we were getting married and commented “oh good, the Episcopalian churches here have too many restrictions”
i laughed at the time trying to imagine what that meant but hearing your list gives me an idea : )
… double check about bubbles though, if there’s marble near the exit they may not allow that either, i’ve heard that from about many places (makes it too slippery therefore dangerous)
Scary…making me very nervous for my first meeting with my priest on Monday. I’m also nervous because while both of our families are all Catholic, all of our friends are not and it seems some of them have problems going to a full Catholic mass even though it’s a wedding. I don’t really understand this since it wouldn’t occur to me to be offended by someone else’s religious ceremony for a wedding. I’ve been to many other churchs and temples for weddings and never once thought well since I’m Catholic I shouldn’t go to this, but apparently it’s an unforeseen problem. I guess it’s on them whether they come or not. I’m Catholic so it’s a church wedding or nothing so these people better get on board or just respond with regret on their invitations.
Hi Bruschetta!
My husband and I were married at Saint Thomas almost three weeks ago, and I had the many of the same anxieties you shared above. In the end, everything was wonderful. The photographers got fantastic shots during the ceremony, the videographer seemed pleased with his footage (fingers crossed!) and the flowers looked beautiful with our color scheme (I admit to breathing a sign of relief when I saw the flowers at Easter mass - my mother and I immediately looked at each other and said ‘pray they don’t change them!’).
We skipped exit fanfare entirely, but that didn’t bother me at all, in the end. We immediately snuck off for a breather in the ‘bridal holding chamber’ (as I call it) and got some of the giddiness out of our systems :-).
Saint Thomas is a fabulously photogenic church; I’m sure that your photos and video will be lovely.
Good luck!
Yes! No photography (at all!) was allowed in the church. The photographer was permitted to take a picture of us exiting the church after the ceremony and one of my dad and I entering the church. They did allow a videographer to be stationed at the back of the church but she couldn’t move or use a light. We haven’t gotten anything from our vendors yet to know how it turned out, but I did understand about not wanting flashes going off all the time and being distracting. However, we definitely decided to get a videographer since other wise we’d have nothing (I remember it all but it did go by fast!)
So a question for all the Catholic bees — was anyone else restricted from lighting a unity candle?
It was a surprise to me when the pastor of my anglican ceremony asked that there be no photography during the ceremony (on that day). I think I had asked him prior, and he said it would be alright, provided they weren’t intrusive, but he changed his tune. They were allowed to get pictures of us when we signed the register (a Canadian thing to do during the ceremony), and then we did some re-enactment shots, but it just wasn’t the same. I ended up looking a little big goofy and incredulous in the re-enactments.
Ahem, a little *bit* goofy, not a little big goofy. 
It’s been a long day…
Yikes! I don’t know how you’re going to do it! There’s no way I could follow that many rules (and not purposely break a few of them). My reception site said no sparklers but I got the site coordinator to allow us to have them outside!
Btw, I’m Lutheran and know Catholic ceremonies pretty well. I still remember being about 14 when my godfather was married in a Catholic church. I hated how long it was and the sitting, kneeling, standing. But I was an antsy kid with ADD…lol
I’m getting in the Catholic church too and I have the exact same rules! I think it makes it seem a little less celebratory. We can’t even have flowers!
I wonder if maybe you could talk to them about it — at least the flowers. Maybe explain your vision and also reiterate your respect for their rules. Sometimes organizations will have master documents like that but be willing to bend on a case by case basis?
…Or is that naive of me?
Natalie, Unity candles are not part of the Catholic wedding ceremony, and therefore, Catholic churches will not usually let you have one. I’ve known other couple do the lighting at the reception, with the DJ (or whoever) talking them through it.
we’re getting married in a catholic church too - same restrictions. i don’t think we’ll have the sacristan so i plan to break some of the rules - are they going to stop the wedding if the photographer moves too much? i don’t think.
but we are also going to do some things during the reception that we would have done in a more relaxed ceremony, such as reading our own vows and jumping the broom. so it’s almost like we’ll have two ceremonies, which i love!
Recently, I was at a Catholic wedding in which there honestly was too much photography! The bride is a dear friend of mine, and she is a scrapbooker. So I think that she has a lot of friends who enjoy photography as well. There were so many digital cameras in use that it was a distraction during the ceremony. I like taking pictures as well, but this was extreme. I think that the sacred service should have limited photography… the silent videographer is fine, but a flash photography session is distracting both for the couple as well as the guests. So I understand that there are two sides to this story! It’s too bad that they will not allow the photographer to use the choir loft!
I got married in a historic chapel and there were no restrictions at all! After reading about your restrictions Miss Bruschetta, I guess I got really lucky! Good luck!
I think a lot of these rules come from a few occasions in which someone’s vendors go way beyond the bounds of reasonable behavior, as mentioned above. I know it’s annoying not to be able to pick your own flowers, but my guess is that the flowers will be very neutral - white/cream/ivory colors and the like. Churches that are beautiful enough to be popular enough to require strict rules of wedding behavior need brides, grooms and their families to have positive feelings about them after the fact so that they’ll keep donating, after all! I would be VERY surprised if the flowers clash with your colors; I’m guessing they’ll more or less blend into the background.
We are getting married in a suburban Catholic church but doing our wedding prep in another Catholic church (long story) that is a VERY popular wedding choice. We attended our first prep session recently and received a packet of information for vendors that was very thorough. The church does allow people to bring their own flowers, but doesn’t allow rice or rose petals (or anything else) to be strewn. However, I admit that I’ve never been to a wedding at which the newly wed couple were strewn with anything upon leaving the *church* — I’ve always seen it done when they’re leaving the *reception*. Maybe it’s a regional difference?
Oh, our wedding prep church absolutely forbids photographers to be in the bride’s room taking pictures of the bride when she’s putting on her dress. Once the dress is on, the photographer is allowed to go in, but the priest felt very strongly that having such pictures done in a church isn’t seemly. No restrictions on unity candles, though. And the church recommends having a full Mass even when two Catholics are marrying one another….because the church often holds four weddings a day and needs to keep things moving along! Seriously. The wedding party gets 20 minutes afterwards to take pictures in the church, and then they have to clear out.
One more thing: At first I was rolling my eyes at the restrictions too, especially the level of detail. Then I remembered how I used to roll my eyes at brides-to-be who were obsessing over the color of the reception tablecloths…until, that is, I got engaged and, y’know, started really caring about the color of the reception tablecloths much more than I could ever imagine. I think most of us who participate on this Website are fairly involved in the details of our weddings, down to the color of the OOT bags and the look of the fonts on the programs. The churches we’re talking about are also detail-oriented, just about a different aspect of the wedding process. What looks overblown and heavy-handed from the outside looks VERY different from the inside, I’m guessing. We may think what they’re doing is overkill, but complex yet enjoyable wedding experiences don’t just happen - they get planned down to the small details. I’m guessing that your wedding will be lovely. And, you know, if vendors are going to be charging a premium the minute the word “wedding” gets involved, then I don’t feel bad about challenging them to some degree….
We had lots of rules at our church also. Try kneeling the entire mass! That was quite a shock and not what I had seen previously at this specific church. Also, they allowed us to bring in our own flowers but we were not allowed to remove them from the chuch- eventhough there was another, later wedding the same day. They were really pretty and I hope they found a good home!
No pictures from the choir loft?! The videographer has to stay in one place?! Good grief. It just sounds like what other posters mentioned how maybe one vendor must have ruined it for other respectful photographers/videographers… but additionally it’s like the church is micromanaging the artist. There are some incredible moments during the mass that will totally be missed. I would be pretty bummed if my photog couldn’t be front and center- all the church had to do was have a chit chat with the photog about any concerns and left it alone!
I think you should try to negotiate with the church if you have a couple shots you might really want.
Interestingly, our photographer’s contract specifically states that they will not work with a videographer, I guess because they may be fighting over the best viewpoints in the church. So no pro video for us, just home-video….eeeek!
Similar restrictions over here as well, there’s a charge if you have a videographer and photographer has to remain out of the way once proceedings begin. But we can throw biodegradable confetti and provide our own flowers. Have already spoken to the churches flower ladies so I think we’re not upsetting anyone and our flowers are suitable enough that they can be left in the church and the rota can have a week off. Thankfully my MIL2B and SIL2B are doing the flowers and have both been on church rotas in their time so can ensure it all works out OK.
@yogigal: Haha, oh, really?! But it’s a GORGEOUS chapel.
@chelseamorning: Thanks for sharing! I’m not TOO worried, since I’ve talked this out with our photographers and videographer…and they know we want to get great pictures/footage of the ceremony!
@brew: Congrats to you and your mister! Thanks for sharing your Villanova experience! (I’m also looking forward to soaking up those “just married” moments alone with Mr. Bruschetta!)
@Natalie: Great question! Maybe ask it on the Catholic board?
My Mister is Catholic, but we are getting married out of the area and struggled for months to find someone to marry us in the church. We ended up finding a nondenominational minister to marry us, and we’re doing it outdoors. Now that I’ve avoided the church headache I have taken on the weather one! Shoot. I thought I was making this easier on myself, guess not!
Wow.. I’m glad I read this. I need to ask my priest about their rules and regulations….
Thanks
Yes! I think most Catholic churches do. Luckily we are easy going about the church. I think churches are beautiful and really need additional decor.
Which is good, because ours pretty much advices against it, with the exception of one or two floral arrangements allowed on the alter.
I would recommend that you make sure your photographer will be allowed to use his flash if needed inside the church. I have seen a few churches not allow it during the ceremony
We’re getting married at a Catholic church and do not have ANY of those limitations. Maybe it’s the Villanova way.
our church has very similar rules, out of respect for the ceremony.
Fortunately, we are at least allowed to decorate and have petals thrown at us as we walk out! Our church is not pretty so I would be hurting if no decor or flowers were allowed.
That sure throw a wrench in things!
I think these type of restrictions are fairly typical for Catholic churches–not ever church will have these exact same ones, but they all have certain restrictions in order to keep the focus on the sanctity of the Catholic marriage rite, not necessarily because of bad weddings in the past. I am getting married at a Catholic church as well, and while our restrictions are a bit different, they are along the same vein–for example, we are not allowed to toss anything as well, nor have an aisle runner, nor even prepare our own programs (although we can add a cover to the church’s programs–they will be ready for us a week ahead of time). As far as a unity candle goes, aliangel64 is right–a unity candle is not considered part of the Catholic marriage rite and that is why some Catholic churches don’t allow them.
Miss Bruschetta, I am getting married at St. Thomas a few weeks before you (my wedding is August 8th). I am a bit frustrated by the rules as well…but I guess it will all be worth it! If you would like to come to my ceremony, you are more than welcome - it might help you to visualize your wedding day if you see another ceremony in the church. PM me if you are interested!
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Mrs. Bruschetta, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 25, Communication Professional
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Physical Therapy Graduate Student
Engagement Date: November 30, 2007
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
About Me: I’m a self-proclaimed grammar geek who loves singing (like, really belting it) in the car. My mister and I are planning a vibrant summer soiree celebrating our passions – including food and Philly – and when we make it official, we’ll have been together for eight years! Being super competitive is in my nature, and talking excessively is in my genes. I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, but can always easily find my way into Mr. Bruschetta’s arms.
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