Wedding Blog

Alright, who did their reading for the first book of the Weddingbee book club? I did! And if you didn’t, that is okay because I am going to recap the best I can so that you can quickly catch up and join the discussion. I’ll try not to insert my personal opinion and experiences in here and save that for later on in the discussion. Before I get into the recap, I’ll explain what we are going to do.

This week I’ll write a 3-part series recapping various parts of the book. As usual, comment on the post, but also head to the book club discussion board. There, we can talk about things in a little more detail. You can also start your own threads and discuss areas of the book that stood out to you. After all, the best part of a book club is that each person takes away different snippets and ideas based on their own experiences and unique story.

A few weeks ago I went to a Couples’ Conference and had the privilege of hearing many different researchers, therapists, and people who were considered experts in the area of relationships, marriage, and couples’ therapy. One of the people I was able to listen to was John Gottman. John Gottman is well respected in the area of psychology because his work is based on research, and not just opinion. Listening to him, it was obvious that not only is he passionate about this area of work, but he is also extremely knowledgeable in not just his own research, but research across the entire field. After listening to him I think I took his book more seriously, and really looked at what some of the concepts mean. Okay, let’s get into the recap for those that need a refresher…

Synopsis/Recap

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Chapter 1: Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages

John Gottman created a “love lab” to observe couples and discover what causes marriages to work or crumble, and what can you do to repair a marriage that is heading in the wrong direction. After many years of research, Gottman can predict whether or not a marriage will last with 91% accuracy after observing a couple for 5 minutes. Marriages that succeed are emotionally intelligent, meaning they are able “to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage.” There is evidence that suggests that healthy marriages can keep you healthier.

Why does marriage therapy fail? Most of it revolves around communication and learning how to resolve your conflicts, which may be a good and useful thing, but it is not enough to save a marriage. Gottman also lists many myths of marriage, including:

• Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages
• Common interests keep you together
• You scratch my back and…
• Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage
• Affairs are the root cause of divorce
• Men are not biologically built for marriage
• Men and women are from different planets

Much of Gottman’s ideas, workshops, and programs come from the “simple truth that marriages are based on a deep friendship.” This means a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. Friendship is the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse because of positive sentiment override. Positive sentiment override means that “their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.” The secret weapons of couples during disagreements is a repair attempt. A repair attempt is “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”

Chapter 2: How I predict Divorce

Now in any disagreement or fight, there probably is some degree of negativity. What Gottman looks at are specific behaviors or signs within the fight that may indicate a greater risk, not just that there is a fight. Arguments are okay; what is important is the way that it happens.

Harsh startups are the first indicator of whether or not a discussion is going to go well. 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a discussion based on the first 3 minutes.

One of John Gottman’s biggest focuses and areas that he is known for are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are certain kinds of negativity that are very harmful to a relationship and need to be worked on.

• Horseman 1: Criticism. A criticism is global. They are negative words about your partner’s character or personality. Think using “always” or “never”. This is different than a complaint that is addressing a specific action where failure occurred. An example of a complaint: You did not take the garbage out like I asked you to this morning. Example of a criticism: You are so lazy and never take responsibility for upkeep in the house.
• Horseman 2: Contempt. Contempt is any statement made from a superior position. It conveys disgust, whether it is through sarcasm, cynicism, mockery or hostile humor. It will lead to more conflict rather than reconciliation.
• Horseman 3: Defensiveness. Defensiveness escalates the conflict by saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” It can be a righteous indignation or whining as the innocent victim.
• Horseman 4: Stonewalling. Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from the interaction. It usually comes later in the marriage and generally is most common with men. Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives.

Flooding is when your partner’s negativity becomes so overwhelming and so sudden that you are simply left shell-shocked. Stonewalling is often used to avoid feeling flooded. All you can do is think about protecting yourself. There are physiological measures or body language that Gottman uses in the love lab to measure when flooding happens during a conflict.

A pattern of failed repair attempts are another sign of a relationship being at risk. When the four horsemen start to overwhelm the relationship, even the best repair attempts do not work. The last major sign is having bad memories. When a relationship is suffering and not going well, its history gets rewritten for the worse. A couple’s memories and recounts of the past are all from a negative standpoint.

Chapter 3: Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Emotionally intelligent couples in a happy marriage are “intimately familiar with each other’s world.” This means having a “love map”, which is having a sort of mental inventory of all the relevant information about your partner’s life. This means knowing major events from your partner’s history ,as well as keeping track of changes and developments. For example, you know to order your partner’s dressing on the side at a restaurant, and you know their fear is becoming like their father.

Love maps protect your marriage during upheaval and conflict. A common time that you see couples struggle is after the birth of their first baby. However, couples that have detailed love maps of one another are able to stay in the habit of being intently aware of how the other is thinking and feeling and are able to not be as shaken during such a time of change.

The book gives a love map questionnaire to see how well you know your partner’s love map. It is comprised of 20 different true and false statements like, “I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy in life,” “I can list my partner’s 3 favorite movies,” “I know the 3 most special times in my partner’s life.” Then, there are 3 different exercises that help you to learn more about your partner’s love map.

Chapter 4: Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration can best be seen in how you view and describe the relationship’s past and history. There are not just positive feeling about the history, but one is also able to recall details and memories with ease. There is a retaining of the “fundamental sense that the other is worthy of being respected, and even liked.” Fondness and admiration are crucial for a lasting romance. Even when you are annoyed by personality flaws, you still feel the fondness, respect, and admiration for your partner’s core as a person. Fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt, because if you maintain the sense of respect, the feeling of disgust with contempt have less chance of creeping in.

Similar to Principle 1, this chapter on Nurturing Fondness and Admiration ends with a questionnaire to look at its presence in your relationship, and 3 exercises to strengthen this particular area.

Now, this post is getting long, so I’m going to stop at Chapter 4 for Part I of the book club, and share a few of my own quick reflections.

What were your thoughts as you read though the first chapter and introduction to the book? When I first read about John Gottman, I found it really hard to believe that someone could say they predict whether or not a marriage will last. And even still, this seems pretty relative, because by identifying the risks and working through them, you can increase the chances your marriage will turn around and thrive. However, as I read further, I felt like this book would be important for me to read and understand so that I can learn ways to strengthen my relationship with Mr. Ducky and protect our marriage before it even starts. From my own experience in school, I think that it is important that marriage therapy addresses more than just how to handle conflict. I think that is just one small piece in the puzzle, and there is so much more we can work on.

I tried to really challenge myself to compare my relationship against the different risks and signs that Gottman spoke about in Chapter 2. I don’t enjoy looking at my own weaknesses and flaws, but in order to grow and strengthen our relationship, I must do this. I am definitely guilty of having harsh start-ups when I am upset. Instead of coming to Mr. Ducky with an attitude of concern or openness, I can just make a statement of attack or anger. This doesn’t go anywhere. Every relationship has its conflicts, weaknesses, and struggles. It’s important to be aware of where these spots are, and how to work on improving them. Part of why I like this book is that it lays out what different risks and problems are, but emphasizes what makes marriages successful, and how these things naturally combat some of those problems.

I really like the idea of knowing your partner’s love map. I think this is something a lot of us naturally do, but the “love map” is kind of a way to conceptualize or label the idea. While I know Mr. Ducky’s love map, there is always more that I can learn, and it is always changing.

Right now I think Mr. Ducky and I are really strong in the area of fondness and admiration. Many of us are in this exciting time in our lives and at a time that our love is at a high, as we anticipate marrying the person that we will spend the rest of our lives with, or are in the blissful stage of being newlyweds. I have so many memories from our first years of dating. Lately, we have been doing a lot of reminiscing as we put together a video and slide show for the wedding. It’s so fun to talk about different memories, remember all the funny details, and just enjoy our story. What I took away from this chapter is how important it is to nurture this positive love and joy that is so present in our history. There will be times that we aren’t always on a high and we will struggle. However, these struggles will be much easier if we can keep the presence of joy that has been woven throughout our relationship that gives hope for much more joy in the future.

What were your first impressions of the book? What concept or idea stood out to you the most in the first four chapters? What did I miss in my brief recap that others may want to know? (I know there was probably a lot!) ☺

Now go buzz over to the book club board to join other parts of the discussion.