Wedding Blog
Over the weekend I had a mini blow-up at Mr. Joey over the ceremony. I was looking at readings for the wedding when he whined about how long the ceremony was going to be. This isn’t the first time he’s made these comments, and he isn’t the only one to make them. As usual, I was prepared to just bite my tongue and pretend I didn’t hear the comments. Of course, he noticed my silence and asked me what was wrong, and of course, I told him.
At first, I too was a little annoyed with the number of elements in our Catholic blessing. It seemed longer than we wanted it to be and there was little flexibility within each component, but I’ve accepted that. We decided together that we were going to get married in the church for our parents, and this was part of it. I’ve done my best to try and find readings that reflect our love for each other, and tried to add cultural elements to the ceremony. In the end, I’m OK with the fact that the ceremony is going to be 45 minutes to an hour long. This is the most important part of getting married — the part where you promise to be together forever. I don’t feel like 45 minutes is too long to devote to that.
I told Mr. Joey if he really was unhappy with the length or the blessing in general, that he could arrange for an alternate location for the ceremony and let everyone (particularly our parents) know there is change, and that I’d be fine with it. I would not continue to plan the ceremony if he was going to pout about its length or contents.
I cannot change the Catholic Church, but we can change whether that’s where we celebrate our marriage. It sounds a little Bridezillia-ish, but I couldn’t continue to plan what I saw as the most important aspect of our wedding day if he wasn’t fully on board. Pouting and complaining isn’t being fully on board.
Mr. Joey came around fast. He apologized and said he didn’t realize he was upsetting me when he complained. He also agreed that 45 minutes isn’t too long for the ceremony. He came around quickly, but others might not have. I have had more than one person complain to me about the length of our ceremony. I know Catholicism isn’t for everyone, and I’m not asking people to convert or anything, but I am asking that if they attend, they don’t complain about how bored they are or how long it was. My sister had a courthouse wedding and it took ten minutes. And that was just a courthouse wedding. I really want to tell my ceremony complainers to bite me. Just kidding. 
I was just making sure you were still with me. Seriously, I want to tell them to not come to the ceremony. I mean that in the nicest possible way. I won’t be offended if they only show up at the reception. The drive to the chapel is long, and if they think a Catholic ceremony is too much for them, then I am happy to celebrate with them later at the reception. No hurt feelings here.
Actually, that was going to be our original plan. We were going to have a tiny ceremony (immediate family only) on a Friday afternoon and then have a huge party the next day — something a little more casual. We thought about a huge BBQ (or taco truck) with friendor bands and partying all day long. Our main reason for doing an immediate family only ceremony was because of a wedding we attended a few years back.
We went to a ceremony that was pretty long. It wasn’t religious per se, but it had a lot of elements and symbolism from different religions. It was a lovely ceremony, and one of the more unique I’ve seen. But all anyone at our reception table could do was whine about its length. When it came time to discuss our ceremony, Mr. Joey and I both remembered that wedding, and opted to leave everyone else out of the ceremony. But then of course, the same people who whined about sitting through the long ceremony whined (in a friendly way) that they would really like to be present at ours. And my extended family was a little offended that we’d even think of not including them. So, we opened the ceremony up to everyone.
So now here we are again dealing with the ceremony whiners. What would you do if you were in my place? Would you tell people honestly that they don’t have to attend the ceremony? Does that seem too harsh?
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Eh they’ll survive. I’m not having a catholic ceremony but have been to quite a few in my family. It always seems like it’s going to be along time but I always end up watching and getting excited for the couple and time goes by faster.
I think you took the right approach with Mr. Joey– suggest another solution or shut up!
I did some event planning in college where I learned some important lessons:
(a) some people are huge whiners and impossible to please so don’t take them seriously
(b) most people are way more likely to give criticism/ complaints than compliments
(c) you can’t please everybody, so plan something reasonable that the majority will enjoy and dismiss the criticism you get from the whiners
Know yourself and figure out what’s important to you and the people closest to you. Keep that vision in mind as a guideline and don’t let other people’s complaints/ criticisms sway you too much!
Catholic ceremonys are long. And if they have a problem with it then oh well. I would just ignore them. They sound like they are going to whine no matter what… Enjoy your day and your “long” ceremony. (to me when attending a wedding ceremony short or long it should be a time of love, devotion, remembrance, and happiness) Continue forth with your ceremony planning and remember that the whole wedding is about that 1 hour. Without that 1 hour, there wouldn’t be the party afterwards.
I personally don’t enjoy Catholic ceremonies, but it’s obviously YOUR DAY.
One thing I’m quickly learning is that there is absolutely no possible way to avoid someone whining about something. It’s just not gonna happen. You do one thing to keep Aunt Ethel from whining, it’s going to make College Friend Jamie whine. I don’t know what it is about weddings, but you can’t please everyone.
Just do what feels right to you two.
Honestly, one of the things I love about the Catholic ceremony — which we’re having as well — IS the length. There are so many wonderful opportunities to involve loved ones as readers, gift bearers, etc., and as long as it’s what you AND Mr. Joey really want as the way you mark the start of your marriage, I say forge ahead and hold your head high — people will always find something to complain about, but you have to do what makes you happiest!
Im with you…although we are not having a catholic service (its Episcopal, half a foot int he door of Catholicism if you ask me) and we are doing a full service with communion and all. There were a few reasons for us deciding to do this, but I have made a point of telling anyone who is uncomfortable with the ceremony that they can just come to the reception. Do what you want and just enjoy your day!
honestly, I don’t know what it is about a “long ceremony” that has people up in arms. Is it the religiousness? Is it the actual time of butt-in-seat?
I went to catholic mass every single sunday growing up. 45 min to an hour for a wedding ceremony seems normal to me.
I’d say let the ceremony be optional, if that’s what you’re ok with. Personally, I’d be hurt if the people who said they wanted to come to my wedding only showed up for the reception 
Isn’t the ceremony what it’s ACTUALLY all about?
First of all, I think 45 minutes for a Catholic ceremony is pretty good! We aren’t having a religious ceremony but I was raised Catholic and know how long the weddings can be! My fiance would be happy to keep our outdoor ceremony at about 10 minutes, but I’d like to have a couple readings so we trying to work it out. He’s kind of shy and knows he’s going to be emotional so he’d like to keep the spotlight on him/us to a minimum.
Also, isn’t it funny-the most important part of the wedding is the ceremony and yet people will stay 3 or 4 hours at a reception and complain about a 45 minute ceremony. Messed up!
Glad you and Mr. Joey reached an understanding!
You are right, Miss Joey - the ceremony is the true heart of the wedding. After all, without the ceremony, there would be no wedding. I do not think 45 minutes is too long for a ceremony. When whiny guests frustrate you, just remember that the ceremony is about you and Mr. Joey and your love for each other. If you start planning your wedding for anyone else other than the two of you, you won’t be happy with the results, and this is your special day!
The guests who want to come to the ceremony are the ones you want to be there. I personally think it is rude when guests opt out of the ceremony for just the reception because they just don’t want to go. If you are going to give them food and drinks, the least they can do is witness your marriage! But like you said, if they are complaining, then why would you want them there in the first place?
Keep your head up, Miss Joey - your heart is in the right place!
I would never dream of complaining about something as meaningful and personal as a wedding ceremony. Although religion isn’t my thing and I’m not into God centered stuff I’d still go and just enjoy it. I think it’s a HONOR to be invited to a wedding ceremony - the bride & groom cherish our relationship (or had enough pressure from someone LOL) to invite me so if I RSVP yes then I’m there for EVERYTHING because I cherish that person and the honor of the invite. BUT that’s just me!
I think that if you are comfortable telling people that they don’t have to come to the ceremony then you should do that. Personally I don’t want to feel like I’m being used for a meal ticket (I’m overly emotional and overthinking like that! haha). I’d be offended if someone only came to the reception unless I knew they couldn’t make the ceremony for some reason that wasn’t boredom. LOL
We have some whiners about our ceremony as well (even from a member of the wedding party). While it’s not the length they are worried about it’s the location. It’s outdoors, in the sun, in June, in Georgia…don’t we realize it will be hot, sunny, buggy, etc, etc, etc. I have pretty much the same attitude that we chose our location b/c it means something to us (bugs and all) and after all isn’t that the most important part of a wedding. The ceremony that unites us? I personally love the Catholic Ceremony…I think it’s quite beautiful even if I don’t necessarily understand each of the elements. You keep your head up and have the ceremony that is right for you, regardless of what others might whine
My goodness, is it not enough that you’re treating these folks to a nice meal, drinks, and a fab rehearsal dinner? Memo to guests: sit, stand, kneel and enjoy the ceremony! You’re watching two of your loved ones get married. Sorry you can’t go through a drive-thru on this one.
We’re not having a Catholic ceremony, but we are serving communion to all our guests during our ceremony. Many members of my family have complained about how long this will make the ceremony, but we’ve simply explained that it’s our wedding and our decsion. That hasn’t stopped their comments though. . . good luck!
I don’t think 45 min is long for a Catholic wedding at all! Most of the weddings I’ve been to lately are about that long. My next one to attend will be an hour and a half. That might be a little long for me but that’s what the bride wants!
Tell them it could be worse!
I have been experiencing the exact same thing. My fiance has made little remarks about how we just need to “get the ceremony over with” so the fun can begin at the reception. A Catholic ceremony IS a wedding to me, I couldn’t imagine not doing it this way. And beyond any spiritual meaning to me, I am thrilled to have the same ceremony our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and on and on had for their weddings.
Many friends, including bridal party members, have complained about how long a full mass is. My instinct also is to say “if you have a problem with it, you don’t need to come,” but I worry about it coming off too Bridezilla and that it might not get the point across that their comments are insulting.
My feeling is that friends and family don’t mean to be rude. Everyone just has a different opinion of what a wedding should be, and of course most of them come looking forward to the party. Feel confident that you are doing what means the most to you, and try to ignore all the rest.
I think you’re absolutely lucky to have a longer ceremony. My friends who’ve gotten married say that the ceremony went by so quickly, and I agree — 15 minutes seems hardly long enough for such a meaningful (and really the most important) part of the day.
So I say embrace it.
We had a long Catholic ceremony too and I loved and savored every moment of it. Personally I can’t imagine having planned for the big day and having the most important part be over in 10 minutes! If it could have gone on all day I would have been happy.
We didn’t get any complainers, but the people complaining to you probably don’t mean to be rude. My advice is to not let your anger and frustration get the best of you. Probably a noncomittal response is best—they aren’t realistically not going to come to your ceremony, are they? I would just try to change the subject–mention how fun the party will be afterward or something.
I think that the Mass is a very important part of the whole wedding ceremony. I agree with the others who mentioned how there are many opportunities to include other family members and friends by doing readings and such.
I get the feeling you’re not too religious, but in the Catholic church, marraige is a sacrament. I think you’ll really enjoy the Mass, and how meaningful it can be as the start to your marraige. If your guests can’t respect that, then that’s their problem! 
I am so amused that you told him to find an alternative venue and to break the news to your parents. It’s like he then realized how much of an undertaking planning the ceremony aspect is, period.
although the catholic ceremony can be quite lengthy, it has a lot of symbolism and meaning. So to those who complain- I really wish they would focus on something else besides the length and time and try to see the important aspects incorporated as best they can!
45 mins sounds normal to short to me As a good catholic (ok when I was a kid anyways) that’s just normal mass. And frankly people can’t give you 45 mins of quiet to celebrate your 45 years (or more) of commitment? Tell them to bite you
OMG Miss Joey — no one is ever happy. I think that if they are tactless enough to complain to your face you are allowed to punch them while in your wedding dress. I think the best advice is to go with what you and the Mister feel is appropriate for you and your families, and as you said the whiners can bite you
I am also having a Catholic wedding and I’m tired of people complaining about the length. If they can’t celebrate with us for 45 minutes then I would happily tell to sit out the reception too. I think people forget that the most important part is the actual ceremony and not just the free food and drinks after.
I agree with everyone… I had a Catholic ceremony and although I never heard any complaints directly I know that some felt that way. For me, those 45 minutes were the most important ones of the entire day and if any had a problem with it, screw them. I will say, we had quite a few guests (including a large group of my husband’s family) skip our ceremony and I am sure it is due to the typical gap between a Catholic ceremony & evening reception we had - but it annoyed me a tiny bit that guests are so quick to disregard the ceremony a non-essential part of the day….
I swear, if you give people one option they’ll complain that they don’t have two, and if they have three they’ll complain that there are too many. I really do believe that the people most important to you will be there and will sit for four hours if you wanted them too.
We are giving people an opt out…we’re having an outdoor and standing ceremony. We get that not everyone will be able to do this, so on our rsvp’s we gave people an option of reception only. We know the core of who we want to share this moment will be there and those that can’t/won’t we’ll celebrate with later.
That sucks you’re going through this. Immediately after my ceremony last month, I heard one of the groomsmen complaining about how long it was. And it was only about 15 minutes long! I wanted to smack him:)
I know EXACTLY what you mean. When I told some of my girlfriends we set the date, one of them made a comment about it being a Catholic ceremony. I told her it would be about an hour and she rolled her eyes.
Quite honestly, if people don’t want to sit through the long ceremony then by all means, don’t come!
the ceremony is actually the most important part! I was married in a catholic church and it was over an hour and it was wonderful. Seriously, it is not about the party.
@chelseamorning: I’m actually not mad. Well, I was a little mad at Mr. Joey. It’s more that they have the option to not come if the ceremony is too much for them. If they chose to attend the ceremony, then I don’t think it’s fair to complain about it. Church isn’t for everyone.
@LittleScarfGirl: I wouldn’t say I’m not religious. I’d say I’ve moved away from the formalities of the church (ie mass). We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of current issues but I do still believe in the message.
It REALLY irritates me when people complain about the length of wedding ceremonies, Catholic in particular. It’s the ONLY part of the day that actually matters, people! & if you’re more concerned with the food, then don’t go.
Sorry, had to rant…I feel ya!!
@Mrs. Quiche: So you’re saying BITE ME is the appropriate response?
p.s. I’d tell them if they can’t be bothered to sit through the ceremony to see you GET MARRIED, then don’t bother coming to the reception either.
Man, I am on a roll today. Work is killing me.
I was raised Catholic, and on the night of my engagement, I called my best friend to ask her to be my Matron of Honor. She said, “You’re not going to have one of those long-a** Catholic weddings, are you?”
Well, in fact, I wasn’t - I am no longer religious… but if I was, I’d have been a little offended! I don’t want my ceremony to be a wham-bam-thank you ma’am quickie. I want it to be meaningful and heartfelt.
And I totally want to tell people that hitting the ceremony is optional. You want to just come to the party? GREAT, see you there! I don’t want them listening to me bawl out the most intimate words of my life anyways.
I wonder, would the people who moan about how “long” Catholic ceremonies are make similar comments about major celebrations in other religious or ethnic traditions? That isn’t just rudeness, it is intolerance.
Here are my two cents: Don’t let people think that you’re okay with them trash-talking your ceremony. Explain gently, but firmly, that this is very important–and in fact a sacrament–to you and Mr. Joey, and that you’ve put a lot of effort into making it meaningful. If you can, explain some of the pieces of the ceremony, so that your guests can better appreciate it. (You could include a few notes in the program on this subject, but I would run it by your priest before you take it to the printer.) The Mass is beautiful–it’s a pity that people are so prejudiced that they refuse to let themselves see any of that beauty, and that they allow themselves to spoil the happiness of others, to boot!
Having been to some loooong ceremonies I can relate to the whiners, but I can’t agree or abide by complaining. So what if your butt falls asleep? Shift. Take a breath. Relax…45 minutes to an hour is not too long for a ceremony with this kind of significance. Especially when people spend hours at a time surfing the web or watching tv–this is much more important. You are much more patient than I am, Miss Joey bc I couldn’t let people skip the ceremony. In the end, they will be there and they will sit through whatever ceremony you have. Luckily you won’t be within earshot of the complaints and most importantly, you’ll be married.
Obviously the ceremony is the most important…. without the ceremony, the reception’s just an insanely expensive party!!! We are choosing to have 45 min/hourlong HEARTFELT ceremony, in our (Protestant) church.
“You do one thing to keep Aunt Ethel from whining, it’s going to make College Friend Jamie whine.” Amen!
I would invite people to the reception on the main invite, and the ceremony on the equivalent of a reception card. They’ll get the idea.
It could be worse, I attended a Catholic ceremony that was in English and then in Spanish… over 2 hours… talk about LONG!!! So tell your guests it could ALWAYS be worse
i say let ‘em whine but tell them not to whine to you!
if getting married in the catholic church (which we all know comes with it’s own set of rules and regulations) is what is important to you two don’t let anyone else sway you.
If your guests (or Mr. Joey, j/k) cannot sit on their butts for 45 min as you guys go through 1 of the biggest landmarks in your lives, they probably don’t deserve dinner. I’m going to have a catholic ceremony without mass so it will be ~45min long at least. I’m planning on having the old testament reading, responsorial psalm and gosepl, skipping the new testament reading. So that it will still be about 45 min without having us rush through any segments of the ceremony.
I’m 100% with Quiche. It is so, so, so, SO LAME to whine about the length of someone else’s wedding ceremony. I agree that “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, but if you’re not interested in seeing us get married, don’t bother coming to the reception” or, simply put “BITE ME” is a completely appropriate response to a completely inappropriate complaint.
Oh, and FWIW, we had a very simple ceremony. There were two readings and vows. No sermon, etc. We didn’t even do a separate ring exchange - we just slipped on rings while saying our vows. We only had one MOH and one BM, so there wasn’t much time spent on procession/recession… and our wedding was about 30 minutes. I don’t think people realize how long a “short” wedding is.
@Miss Joey: Ah, I see. I wasn’t really sure, based on the context that you said you were getting married in the Church for your parents.
I’ve been to very few weddings that WEREN’T Catholic and thought they were too short! Tell them you’ve decided as a couple to have a Catholic wedding and that’s how long one is. They are free to come to only the reception if they are uncomfortable with it. And if it goes on from there, tell them “I’m the bride! I’m the bride! Shut up! I’m the bride!” or, you know, something more well-thought-out
@Mrs. Quiche: LOL! I agree Bite Me! is the best response
I agree that people will get over it. Some people complain for the sake of complaining. Case in point:
“But then of course, the same people who whined about sitting through the long ceremony whined (in a friendly way) that they would really like to be present at ours. ”
I am not having a Catholic ceremony. First of all, I’ve been married before and would have to get it anulled which is a long process. Secondly, FI would have to get baptized and confirmed. Lastly, even though we believe in the faith and the message, we are not church goers. I would feel almost hypocrytical. I definitely could not take communion as I have not confessed in….Ooooo, lets say a long time.
Point is, I grew up Catholic and anytime there is a wedding you better believe church goers or not (my cousin was actually pregnant when she got married LOL), it will be a Catholic wedding. If you grow up that way, I think people already just know to expect it. Will they still complain about it? Some will. Take it with a grain of salt. People’s complaints should be the last thing on your mind on your wedding day!
I think Catholic [or "long" weddings in general] are so much more meaningful and moving than short ceremonies where all they do is say their vows. I went to a ceremony once where the procession in took longer than the ceremony itself. I walked out almost feeling sad for my friend, the bride, because she had spent so many months planning for that 10 minutes. I’m sure that when the day comes you’ll appreciate all those details, and minutes, and be so glad you did it
P.S. I would never dream of opting out of a ceremony and then showing up at the reception! People aren’t going to a wedding for their own sake, they’re going for yours!
Ha, I totally agree with Lia re: going to some weddings and thinking the ceremonies are way too short!
I cannot believe how rude that is. I’m having a Catholic ceremony, too, and when people made comments early in our engagement about if we were having a “long Catholic ceremony” I made very firm eye contact, and said, “Yes, John and I are getting married in accordance with our religious beliefs.” I didn’t break eye contact. People stopped saying things reaaaaaaaal fast.
Ugh! Thats so frustrating! I think you two were being very gracious by not opening up the ceremony to complainers and extremely gracious by opening it up at their request… You really should say “bite me”. Seriously though, I like what *Johnsbride09* just said about telling them “Mr J and I are getting married in accordance with our religious beliefs” HA! Beat that WHINERS!
This is my first comment ever on this site, but your post has inspired me to put in my own two cents, even at the risk of repeating other posts. Let’s be clear: The actual wedding of two people is the entire point of the day. Therefore, I think that “bite me” is a dead-on comment, my dear. And this is not just a Catholic ceremony thing — I have noticed, with disappointment, that many weddings that I have been to are very poorly attended for the ceremony itself, whereas everyone comes out for the free food and booze at the reception. How disappointing, so tacky, and so against the point. Don’t get me wrong: I like to tie one on and dance with the best of them! But at the same time, you’re celebrating what has happened earlier that day, and you shouldn’t forget that.
I also agree with Butterfly: I get excited about attending wedding ceremonies that represent all different cultures, and yet a Catholic ceremony doesn’t seem to elicit the same response! Sadness, since it was an Irish-Catholic culture in which I was raised, and it’s just as important to me.
I am trying to deal with this by asking my mom to “encourage” relatives to attend the ceremony in a non-pushy way, just by expressing excitement over the ceremony and my own excitement at making this commitment in the presence of people most important to me. Hang in there, and I am sure that people will come around!
While I have to say I’m never particularly excited attending a full on Catholic mass wedding (sorry to offend!), I would never voice that to the couple because I understand it’s their day, and it’s how they wish to do things. Bottom line: this is YOUR day as a couple, and you should do what feels right for you. 45 minutes does not seem like a long ceremony at all, so if people are actually whining about that, I have to agree with the other posters who say they’d probably whine about anything.
I do have to put in my two cents as far as attendees who skip the ceremony; although I’ve never personally done that, I do have friends with young children that do this occasionally, and I don’t find it rude at all. I know couples who are regularly invited to multiple weddings a summer, and opt on occasion to hire a babysitter for the evening instead of a 12 hour gig. I know children are often invited to ceremonies, but sometimes it’s more stressful than enjoyable to bring a baby or toddler. To each his own, I guess, but I wouldn’t view it as a personal dig.
People will always find something to complain about. We have to measure of being happy. And it’s almost a contest to complain and see who’s life sucks the most. So don’t even worry about it. Let them whine. If the length is the most they have to complain about, you’re doing good!
really, people are actually complaining that your ceremony will be too long? they can’t sit still for an hour to watch their loved ones get married?
do they have other plans that they have to get to between your wedding and the party?
are they expecting crayons and hangman to entertain them during the readings? maybe a baggie of cheerios if they get famished?
yeesh. can you uninvite these nitwits?
45 minutes to an hour is the standard for a Catholic ceremony - even if it isn’t a full mass with Communion it’s still 45 minutes
really, people are actually complaining that your ceremony will be too long? they can’t sit still for an hour to watch their loved ones get married?
do they have other plans that they have to get to between your wedding and the party?
are they expecting crayons and hangman to entertain them during the readings? maybe a baggie of cheerios if they get famished?
yeesh. can you uninvite these nitwits? not just to the ceremony but to EVERYTHING? why reward them for being childish but letting them just come to a party and have a nice meal? if they can’t sit through church, no party
45 minutes to an hour is the standard for a Catholic ceremony - even if it isn’t a full mass with Communion it’s still 45 minutes
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Mrs. Joey, Seattle
Age and Occupation: 28, Project Administrator for Public Health NGO
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, High School History Teacher
Engagement Date: June 24, 2008
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe
About Me: I'm a Seattle girl through and through except for the fact that I don't drink coffee. I love my job most of the time because I get to travel and work with brilliant people who are trying to prevent Malaria. I love DIY projects of all sorts, cooking, and watching sports. I'd wear anything at Anthropologie and could spend all day on Etsy. I love to travel but shouldn't because I always get myself into unbelievable situations!
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