Wedding Blog
Several months ago, we received a surprising bit of news that has since led the Bruschettas to alter some wedding plans to accommodate the situation.
No, we’re not expecting. But one of Mr. Bruschetta’s groomsmen, Tony — or more specifically, Tony’s fiancee — is. And the baby is due a mere two days before our wedding, which means Tony might well be hustling out of the church in the middle of our ceremony — if he’s able to be there at all.
When we first learned the baby’s due date, we weren’t worried about its birth impacting our wedding. However, we soon realized we weren’t comfortable with the notion of one of the wedding party members leaving in the middle of the mass — and wanted to avoid a missing groomsman, if possible. So, Mr. Bruschetta talked to Tony one-on-one to come to an agreement about what would work best for everyone. And Tony voluntarily stepped down from his groomsman role.
Although there’s certainly nothing wrong with a lopsided wedding party — at this point, ours was three groomsmen and four bridesmaids — Mr. Bruschetta did have a friend, Jon, with whom he’s remained close, but who didn’t quite make the “cut” when we were naming our wedding party. (Which, I realize sounds awful, but it’s really just one of the [few] negatives of a longer engagement — simply put, friendships evolve.) If a “b-list” is controversial for a wedding guest list, I’m sure this scenario is even more frowned upon by etiquette gurus. But, the fact remained that Mr. Bruschetta wanted to honor this close friendship, so when we were on a recent double date with Jon and his girlfriend, Mr. Bruschetta asked — and received a delighted acceptance.
Since we hadn’t yet picked out the groomsmen attire, this late addition didn’t really impact our wedding at all. Jon is unruffled by the tardy invitation. If we had faced the same situation, but on my side of the wedding party, would it have gone so smoothly? I’d like to say yes, but wonder if a female friend might be less forgiving after being asked to join as an alternate wedding party member.
Have you replaced a bridesmaid or groomsman? Please share your story!
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I think women in general tend to take it more personal. (why me? why now? what’s wrong with me? how dare you make me second choice?, etc.)
Guys are more mental and tend to go with the flow. I think you would have had more issues if you were replacing a maid.
I haven’t had to do any of those.
Congrats to Mr B’s friend on their pregnancy! How exciting to have a new baby around 
I’m so glad this situation worked out well with no hurt feelings
We had to have a “replacement”, as one of our groomsmen got shipped off to Iraq a month before our wedding. The guy who filled in was honored, and not hurt in the least. I also added on my sister in law after I realized I was a dork for not asking her in the first place, and she was totally happy that I did, even though she got added on a little bit later in the game than the other girls.
by ‘mental’ I meant logical and not so emotional.
My fiance and I had decided on having 5 BMs and 5 GMs. I went ahead and asked all of my BMs but it took him a while to “officially” ask his friends. A couple of months (!!) later he finally got around to it… and he asked 7 of his friends! So much for balance! At that point though, everyone knew of my 5 BMs and I felt that adding 2 just for the sake of balance wouldn’t be fair to anyone. So here we are with an uneven bridal party, but I think so far it’s worked out for the best!
I was recently asked to be in a Sept. wedding, I know she has had her ‘party’ picked out for awhile (me not included) but considering its all family (except me) I wasn’t really offended - #1 after family is still pretty good in my opinion!
I think the key piece will be if the bride or groom feels OK about it and communicates it in a spirit of enthusiasm.
we had a lopsided wedding party and never heard a peep about it. sounds like it worked out well for all though, that’s great!
Actually my Maid of honor was the one who ended up preggo with a due date just 2 weeks prior to my out of town wedding. She also stepped down from her duties and I had originally decide an uneven party was in my future. THEN, I had another BM step down due to a prior obligation….. hgeesh! At this point I had no choice but to invite a “back-up” luckily she was FANTASTIC about the situation and has been the most involved of anyone in my bridal party. I had asked her to be involved in the wedding early, telling her I didn’t know exactly what her role would be, but that I needed her there and this may be the difference. Good luck to anyone else facing the same situation!
Babies ruin everything! J/k…a joyous occassion except when wanting to include best friends in the wedding party. My close childhood friend was to be a bridesmaid but then…she became pregnant (mind you, she was the bm to keep saying, make sure nobody’s pregnant) and is due 2 days before the wedding. I had to ask a groomsman step down rather than asking another person to be up at bat. I didn’t feel comfortable with adding yet another bm (I already have 5 and would have had 6).
I am really surprised you essentially asked him to leave your wedding party. Frankly, I would be offended if someone did this to my husband. I don’t really understand why the small chance of him leaving to attend to his delivering wife made him ineligible? I’m normally a very positive person on these boards, but this seems like a very strange request on your part? What would have been so awful about that?? I’m honestly befuddled.
I had to “replace” my moh, and I couldn’t have said why better then the way you put it, friendships evolve. Some people who think you are very close with can turn out not really understanding what they are agreeing too, in my case it was much deeper then just wedding related tasks. Luckily though the bm that got “promoted” was more then happy to step in and not insulted at all.
It just seems strange to me that someone who is important enough for you to ask them to be in your wedding is expendable because there is a slight chance that they might have to quietly slip out during your ceremony. I would be devastated if I were ever asked to “step down” from a wedding party…
We have not replaced anyone, but we will be lopsided. I just would rather have four of my close girlfriends than ask a fifth girl just to have the numbers match.
I did have a friend last year who had to have two bridesmaids step down because of some falling out. It was devastating to her, but things change.
@chicagowife: I agree. Is it really that big of a deal if the friend has to step out in the middle of the ceremony? Odds are it wouldn’t happen anyway.
@chicagowife
I can understand why the Bruschetta’s came to the decision they did. There is a very high likelihood their groomsman wouldn’t have been able to attend their wedding, or any of the pre or post-wedding festivities. If his fiancee goes into labor a few days before, it’s unlikely he’s going to want to tear himself away from her and their new baby for a full days worth of festivities. If she hasn’t gone to labor at that point, he will spend the entire day distracted and anxious. I think this was as much a relief to the Bruschetta’s as it was to their groomsman, who may have felt obligated to remain in the wedding party despite the changes.
If I found out I was due around the time my fiance was to be a groomsman in a wedding, there would be a BIG part of me that would be relieved if he stepped down. I would be nervous enough, without the added stress of not knowing if he’d be around when I went into labor.
I agree with Lindsay. @chicagowife, honestly while the likelihood of their groomsman’s wife going into labor during the ceremony is low, the likelihood that she woudl have already delivered and they have a several days or week old baby on their wedding day is high. It’s not that they didn’t still love or appreciate him, but that life complicates matters, and it would be likely he couldn’t stand up there with them.
I replaced a bridesmaid in one of my good friends wedding. And it was three weeks before the ceremony! Of course, her situation was a little different… the bride received a package from the bridesmaid one day and opened it up only to find the bridesmaid dress and a letter. The letter stated that she didn’t feel like there had been any effort to include her in the wedding planning and she didn’t feel like my friend (the bride) had been a very good friend. It went on to say that she no longer wanted to be friends, etc. The worst part? The bridesmaid had complained early on that she wasn’t going to be able to afford the dress and oh by the way, she ended up ordering it 3 sizes too big bc she was hoping to be pregnant come wedding time. The brides mother paid for her dress. When my friend called me and told me what had happened and asked if I would be willing to step in, I was honored and happy to do it! We didn’t know each other when she got engaged so her not asking me right at the start wasn’t a big deal at all. I think standing up for one of your friends should always be considered an honor no matter how late in the game you ask them!
Phew! I’m glad that worked out for you. What a sticky situation!
I had a BM drop out of the wedding because she was pregnant and due right before the wedding. I also found a “replacement”, who was delighted to join. We too have a long engagement and my friendship with my new BM has definitely evolved since we were first engaged and I picked the bridal party. I couldn’t be happier to have her in the wedding and I think she is excited too!
We currently have a lopsided wedding party. I have 3 attendants, he has 2. We found out recently that his attendant’s wife is due a week or 2 after our wedding. Here’s hoping she goes to full term! If his groomsman can’t attend, it will be 3 attendants to 1 attendant. One of mine is a guy, and I suppose we could swing him over to my fiance’s side to aesthetically even things out, but we’d both prefer to have our own attendants stand on our own sides.
ms bruschetta, i’m with you on this one. i’m sure your groomsman understood, and may even appreciate being able to concentrate on caring for his wife.
i replaced my MOH and sole bridesmaid, unfortunately, as friendships can erode over time if not maintained. i learnt that ‘de facto’ choices aren’t so straightforward after all.
i now have new helpers but out of respect, will not refer to them as MOH or bridesmaids.
I have to say, on the one hand, I would be very dissapointed if I were pregnant and due just before the wedding and asked to step down. I can honestly say that I would most likely not make the wedding, but at least my name would be in the program as a show of my support to the bride and groom.
However, on the other hand, we don’t know what the conversation was between Mr Bruchetta and his groomsman, so who knows who’s idea it was to do the stepping down.
Since he was a good enough friend to be included in the first place, and since your wedding party is still lopsided (which is [in my mind] a non-issue) is there any other way to include him in the wedding without him feeling obligated to be there?
My BM found out that she was pregnant in January. Her due date is a week before my wedding. I haven’t asked her to step down, and she hasn’t offered. I know she really wants to be a part of my wedding, so we will just wait and see. We’ll hope for the best!
I had to ask my pregnant bridesmaid to step down because of her lack of involvement. When she couldn’t show up to my family friendly bachlorette party and made cryptic comments about not showing up to the wedding I had to make the difficult decision to ask her to step down. She hasn’t talked to me since (my wedding was Oct 2008) even though I tried very hard to make it clear that I still wanted her to come to the wedding, just as a guest so she didn’t have to feel like she was under any pressure. It is sad, but I feel that friendships must be fostered by both parties.
@chicagowife: Mr. Bruschetta didn’t ask his friend to leave the wedding party. The two had an open, honest conversation, and reached an agreement that worked for both of them. Tony wasn’t comfortable committing to the wedding with the due date so close to it, since he is uncertain whether he will be in a hospital, or needed at home with his fiancee and their newborn — or neither of these. He really does hope to attend the wedding, but as I mentioned in my post, friendships evolve, and this is one that’s changed somewhat since we got engaged. The arrangement works for everyone, and while controversial, I hope you can appreciate we acted with everyone’s best interests in mind.
@deejaylondon: Wow, what a similar situation! Thanks for sharing.
@Mrs. Corn: To clarify, we’re not lopsided anymore — I agree that wouldn’t be an issue, though! We have four BMs and four GMs aside, plus my three high school friends (or, bridal attendants). Hmm….so maybe we are still lopsided? 
Tony will definitely be included in pre-wedding festivities, and I know that will certainly make him feel included, without feeling overstretched or stressed relative to the due date and the wedding.
I guess I’m just still surprised at how common it is to have people “step down” from a wedding party, whether forced or voluntary. I just can’t imagine someone who is that important in my life wanting to step down or me asking them to! Seems like there is a lot of drama in a lot of wedding parties! But glad it worked out for you and your bridal party…
My guess is people (myself included) get hung up on the verbiage ’step down’. It sort-of has a negative connotation and indicates that the person is no longer allowed or wanted to participate in the activities surrounding the wedding that he/she could have been able to participate in. I totally understand if someone can’t physically be there for you to ’stand’ at the wedding, but they can still be there for you emotionally for your day…in which case I wonder why it isn’t a more popular option to include someone as an honorary bridesmaid/groomsman instead of completely cutting them out.
I have the worst (most embarrassing) story ever. When Mr. Hot Sauce and I got engaged there were a few people present, basically our closest friends - two other couples and a neighbor and all our kids. After the engagement surprise a few people left and then the Mr. and the remaining guy went to the store and my friend and I were left to talk. She is my oldest friend and at one point my best friend, so I asked her to be maid of honor. Just a few months later she got engaged and married all before the end of the year. We got engaged Sept. 3, 2007 so before 2008. Our wedding kept getting postponed because of money issues and over the course of postponement, she and I have grown apart in a major way. Her and her husband have had a lot of problems and her husband has drug problems and it is not something we want around us or our kids. So, it was always in the back of my mind everytime we talked about the wedding. Not to mention, my fiancee really dislikes my friend. He thinks she is a horrible friend to me and not a good person in general. I’ve known her so long, sometimes I look past the imperfections and other times I take them with a grain of salt. We discussed having a family only wedding to avoid conflict with the fact I had already asked her to be my maid of honor (now matron of honor). had told her before I was going to ask my sister also because well, she is family. Understandable, right? So, when it came to it and the wedding became a reality and we booked the date I decided the best thing to do was ask her to step down as MOH and be a bridesmaid. First of all, she is dealing with a lot right now with her husband and she is about to be out of home in a couple of months….seriously a lot going on for her. Secondly, we are not close any at all even though we still talk. I feel like I am talking to a mere aquintance than a freind. Every once in a great while one of us might share one of those details of the moment but more than often it is small talk. I asked my sister to step in as Matron of Honor and she happily accepted. She is in a much better place in all aspects. I feel really guilty for asking my friend to step down as MOH, but I really honestly felt it was best for all of us. Also, in the very beginning as we started picking out the wedding party there was some drama revolving the groomsmen as we still keep in touch with one of her ex-boyfriends and he has become good freinds with Mr. Hot Sauce.
So, that is my LONG story! LOL
We didn’t replace, but we did add one. Boy decided against having one of his brothers as our ring ninja and upped his involvement to groomsman (he’s high school age, so we talked a lot about it). I ended up calling one of my college friends who didn’t make the original BM list and she gladly accepted!
I think that is kind of mean that he left the wedding party just because you guys were worried about him walking out of the mass. I mean, what are the chances that he would have to leave right in the middle of that mass? I would have been pretty upset if I was him.
We just had a groomsman bow out a couple weeks ago, with just six weeks til the wedding.
His work just cut back everyone’s hours and he has a wife and two toddlers and a new house, and couldn’t afford the long-distance wedding and all the expenses.
My fiance was disappointed but understanding. We felt bas asking another of his friends to be a B-list groomsman, but happily, he agreed!
I was asked to step down, though not completely. My sister got married the year I graduated college and asked me to be her MOH. There was a lot of drama involved, but in the end she asked me to step down as MOH and become a bridesmaid. As much as it was hurtful, I was relieved that someone who had the means to make her happy replaced me.
I had a bridesmaid and flower girl (mother and daughter) step down from my wedding party unfortunelty due to financial reasons. I was sad, but I understood.
However, I decided not to replace them and honor them as “honory bridesmaid” and “honory flower girl” on the program. I didn’t mind having a lopsided wedding party at all.
I could have had a back up bridesmaid, but I just felt my friend and her daughter were not replaceable.
My MOH replaced one of her SIL’s BMs. She was absolutely thrilled! I see no problem with it at all. If a big deal is made of it, they probably aren’t a friend anyways.
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Mrs. Bruschetta, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 25, Communication Professional
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Physical Therapy Graduate Student
Engagement Date: November 30, 2007
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
About Me: I’m a self-proclaimed grammar geek who loves singing (like, really belting it) in the car. My mister and I are planning a vibrant summer soiree celebrating our passions – including food and Philly – and when we make it official, we’ll have been together for eight years! Being super competitive is in my nature, and talking excessively is in my genes. I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, but can always easily find my way into Mr. Bruschetta’s arms.
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