Wedding Blog
There’s something about weddings that’s seriously screwed up. So many expectations, it’s impossible to tackle the rationality! Take, for example, guest lists. Obviously, unless you’re in the top 0.1% of the US pay bracket, you’re going to need to trim the fat somewhere. And what the heck is up with people you hardly know - but are related to via some 3rd cousin half removed - feeling entitled to an invite? And then getting pissy when they don’t? It’s as if weddings are a blank check for people to drink the crazy juice.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. And I love my friends. I’m deeply saddened I don’t get the opportunity to see them more often. That said, I want for our wedding to be personal. You know what I mean? I.e., we know the people we see there, we can actually hang out with them, and it doesn’t turn into a “fawn over Mr. & Miss Bear Cub”-fest. Thanks, but I’d rather not have 200 eyes on me. I can hardly handle 30 when I teach!
The problem is, I have a huge fam. And Mr. Bear Cub has a huge base of friends. This is a good thing, but it’s also very bittersweet. I want my wedding cake, and I want to eat it, too!
How is it possible to help everyone to feel included in the wedding, without ballooning the guest list?? (I think the answer will win the Nobel Peace prize.)
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I really LOLed at the picture and caption. I love those Someecards! I’m sorry that I have no words of wisdom to inspire you in this situation… I’ll be anxiously awaiting all of the other bee’s advice! Good Luck!
Great post! My future MIL just said to me the other day that she’d be giving us “her list” soon. Ah!
My fiance and I each gave our families five “freebies;” they could invite any five people regardless of our (my fiance and I) relationship to them. (This is five people TOTAL, btw. Not five people and their plus ones.)
Then, we asked for a list of their Freebie Five and everyone else they felt should be invited. My fiance and I then went over the preliminary lists with one rule in mind: if we wouldn’t know them if we passed them on the street, they were off the list. It worked pretty well. We have a list of people who I am truly excited to have at the wedding. Not a bunch of semi-strangers. 
I know exactly how you feel, for the most part. But both me and the FI are very close to our family, my parents friends and obviously our friends. My parents understand this, so we are having a larger affair, but am glad that I can spend it with the people who mean the most to me (even though it’s a large group)!
It was really hard to sell to my fiance’s family, but we made a rule that we weren’t inviting anyone that we didn’t BOTH want to see. We let each other each have five or so exceptions to the rule (childhood friends of the family and such), but if we didn’t both know and care about them, they were out. There are lots of people we wish could come, but it just isn’t feasible. I had to put my foot down with my FMIL, who wanted distant cousins and great uncles that my fiance couldn’t even name to be invited, but that’s just not the kind of celebration we want to have. We wanted a party of less than 100 people who would all be glowing and happy for the two of us.
I feel ya! we are having the official wedding/reception with just our immediate families. then, we are having a bbq a following saturday afternoon where we are inviting all of our friends etc who weren’t there for the big day. there are no hard feelings because we are keeping the ceremony etc as immediate family only on both sides.
Oh, trimming the guest list sucked! Luckily, my parents didn’t care about inviting their acquaintances, just immediate family (their brothers and sisters, a couple of cousins). They aren’t even inviting any of their friends. My FML did have a sort of list (kinda funny and cute), but FH told her only a few could be invited since our guest list is capped off at 120 by our venue. FH’s father is not inviting anyone. We felt my my FML should be allowed since FH’s parents are divorced and his dad is remarried with family.
Our guest list is made up of our family and friends that matter the most to us, our closest. If we have room towards the end of the planning process, we’re going to offer my parents to invite a couple of their closest friends, if they’d like.
Good luck to you!
That’s going to be a problem for me when it comes to the guestlist…We both have a decent sized family, and while yes we both know our aunts, uncles, and cousins….we’d probably surpass 100 before we even got to friends. lol
Our personal guidleline for friends was twofold:
1) Have we had significant interaction/conversations with them since we started dating? (2 years)
2) Would we feel offended if we weren’t invited to their wedding?
I agree with Miss Bluejay’s point above - if you haven’t had significant interaction with them since either you’ve started dating or been engaged (depending on your timeline), then they are the first to get cut.
We didn’t have major cuts to make, but drew the line at FI’s cousins whose names he couldn’t even remember… *lol*
You can also cut down by not inviting plus ones unless they’re living together/engaged/ or have been dating forever…
All of you are absolutely right - normally it’s prudent to only invite those you actually know. My family alone (with cousins and aunts and uncles) is over 70 people! Mr. Bear Cub has about 35 people. My mom is oldest of 10, and my dad is 3rd of 7 - gotta love irish catholic families!
Anyways, both sides of my family are rather “clan”-ish; if I invite one aunt, I have to invite all of them. So, I think we are going to invite all of them. I’ll let you know more about that gamble later!
Haha, I’ve had all sorts of people come out of the woodworks asking if they’re invited. *Stephanie Tanner* How rude!
People who will not be receiving invites have already bought their outfits and intend to show. They see invitations as something you may or may not receive, but it doesn’t mean that you are not invited according to them. I don’t have that many aunts and uncles, but I do have cousins galore (my dad has over 50 first cousins). We had to make a rule of the eldest from each great aunt will be invited OR the great aunt/uncle if she/he is still alive. We are also having a coordinator and hostesses with guests lists that will be in charge of crowd control. It’s sad, but some feelings will have to be hurt. I agree with Miss. Lab. How rude!
oh man.. my fiance and I are totally struggling with the exact same problem. He has a HUGE family- both of his parents are one of 9 children.. and all of those aunts and uncles had a slew of children each, so it’s just out of control. We still don’t know what to do.. and not only do we have people asking/insinuating they will be pissy if they don’t get an invite, we have friends who seem to either think they are in the bridal party, or they are going to be. WTF?!
@Miss Labrador: Wow, that is really bold. Someone better try to ask me that.
Psh.
@Miss Bluejay: This is an interesting one and a tough one for me. I had really, really good friends in college and we’ve grown apart in the last few years (since my fiance and I got together). We’re 31 .. but if I had been married at age 25 or 26 they probably would have been bridesmaids. Now, it is hard to know. They are a huge part of my history, but not so much my present. I like your 2 year rule.
maybe have a smaller ceremonial event for yr family, and then invite more to your after-party / reception?
@mrspaetz: That would be a good option normally, but we’re spending less than 3 weeks in the states - 1 week for preparation before the wedding, and about a week and a half for the honeymoon. Maybe when we move back from Chile in 3 years! (if they haven’t forgotten about us by then 
)
It sounds like it sort of comes down to choosing between following your ideas of what you want your wedding to be or bending your wishes to accommodate the greater family good/happiness. Both situations have their pros and cons, so there really isn’t a “right” choice. In the end, it may just depend on whether or not you’re willing to put your neck on the line . . .
We’ve had people pestering us for invites, too. It’s crazy! And it certainly doesn’t make me want to invite them lol.
I’m feeling more and more awful about not sticking to my guns and inviting DOUBLE the amount of people I wanted to. (also about 30 more than the venue will hold) Now I’ve got all these people coming that I don’t really want there. Why must I be so weak!
I remember when my dad sent us a list of relatives that we were required to invite because they were important to my grandfather. Even though I’d never met them (okay maybe I had…when I was 2!)
Family pressure… Sometimes you have to say yes and deal with it.
P.s. What was even worse was deciding who I’d have to horribly insult when I left them off the groomsmen list…
With my mom one of 12 and my fiance’s mom one of 7, so I feel your pain here!
We did a couple of things to keep our guest list “down” to the 200 max for the reception:
1) We only invited people “with guest” if they were dating for a significant amount of time at the time we got engaged. We did a draft of the guest list early to determine who these people were. We really didn’t want people to be bringing Mr. Saturday Night just to have a good time. And we REALLY didn’t want to look back at photos and go “wait… who is that?”
2) Since we live in Florida and are getting married in NJ, we felt okay not inviting work people.
3) We’re going to have a BYOB Wine and Appetizer “reception” at our apartment when we get back from our honeymoon for our FL friends that we couldn’t invite or who couldn’t make it.
4) For people in NJ that we couldn’t invite, we planned a sort of afterparty. We reserved 60 seats in “Ashburn Alley” (bleacher seats @$20 each) for the Phillies game the next day and invited everyone! We picked the cheap seats so everyone can afford to go, and we are paying for our wedding party to attend. Our list is up to about 50 people for the game so far and there are days that I’m more excited for the “afterparty” than for the reception because of the stress.
5) I did have one friend who assumed himself invited to the wedding - luckily, he also offered to help since he has a 10-month position at his job, so I hired him as our Doy Of Coordinator! haha.
omg, yes! my family pressure was ridiculous. i have people coming now who are only coming because of the pressure from the parents. they don’t talk to me really, haven’t even met my fiance, and i’m quite honestly hoping they all RSVP with a big old NO. we initally wanted to have a fun bbq or something for the people that we didn’t want to invite to the wedding, but were on my parents list, but they basically said no. and since they are helping us pay, that got thrown in our faces. wonderful way to plan a wedding eh?
My family’s not nearly as big, but my dad has four siblings, and several of my cousins on my mom’s side have also gotten married this year. So I had to keep some etiquette in mind while making a guest list.
We compromised by making the ceremony very small (just 15 of us) and having a larger, casual reception. That way everyone can feel included without obligating us to bend over backwards for everyone!
BWAHAHAHA, I think I just shot milk out my nose….which is awkward because I haven’t had a glass of milk in a month or so.
“weddings are a blank check for people to drink the crazy juice”
I think I just found my new facebook mantra.
Me and my fiancé felt the same way, and here’s what we are doing - we are having a small (60 ppl) wedding with a dinner following, and we are having a big party later that evening to celebrate with everyone who we couldn’t invite to the wedding ceremony/dinner. It helps that we are paying for it ourselves, and that my parents (who live elsewhere) are throwing us a party a month later and inviting everyone they want to that shindig.
I’m of the opinion that your wedding should be just that - yours. If you have a vision of what kind of wedding you and your fiancé really want, you should do everything you can to make that vision a reality.
Good luck!
Explain that you are very excited, but “it’s just a small family wedding,” and then issue social invitations (i.e., dinner, drinks, etc.) after the wedding to those that you did not invite, to show them that their friendship is important to you.
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Mrs. Cub, Chile/Portland
Age and Occupation: 26, Astronomer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Astronomer
Engagement Date: May 10, 2008
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Westwind YWCA camp
About Me: I'm a small-town girl who's making a living in Chile, with her heart in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up in Southern California, went to high school in Texas, grad school in New Mexico, and now I can't wait to settle down in Oregon! I love pears, hazelnuts,
knitting, traveling, running, baking, and long talks on the phone with
good friends. I'm planning my Oregon coast summer camp wedding while
abroad with my best friend - I'm always at home when I'm with him!
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