Wedding Blog
Before we got engaged, before we even had “the talk“, we talked one evening about how we didn’t want a priest to marry us. Mr. Bear Cub and I are not religious, and this tends to confuse a lot of people (especially my family). Luckily, those that don’t agree with our beliefs at least respect our right to live our lives the way we want to, and believe what we want. Mr. Bear Cub and I are both humanist.
Happy Human, the Humanist logo
I say that we have differing “beliefs” than those who follow religious sects because normally those who are religious believe that atheists don’t believe in anything.
“Atheist” is a word with negative connotations - “humanist” as a label is growing wildly in popularity among the god-less. Humanists “affirm the dignity and worth of all people, based on the ability to determine right and wrong by appealing to universal human qualities, particularly rationality, without resorting to the supernatural or alleged divine authority from religious text” (from wiki). There are also humanist “churches” (more like group philosophical sessions, science talks, young family outings, etc.) sprouting across the nation. When Mr. Cubbie and I move back to the states to Portland, Oregon, we can’t wait to join our own local Humanist Association!
Months before we got engaged, we researched ways to get married the “humanist” way. A priest doesn’t marry you, a celebrant does.
Quick fact: Did you know that a marriage is not considered legally recognized if performed by a celebrant? Unless you get married in a courthouse (by a judge), or pay a nondescript justice of the peace (or a notary clerk also, right?) to sign your marriage document, you must be married by a religious official. Otherwise, it’s not legal! That’s like telling a Catholic couple they must marry in a church, or it won’t be recognized by the church. At least they can have someone who follows their faith marry them.
It is, however, legal to be married by an officiant in Scotland, and also now, Poland.
This post isn’t meant to convert anyone or to shock anyone or to talk down about anyone else’s religious beliefs and ideals. Mr. Bear Cub and I are for gay marriage, and we are for marriage equality in all senses of the word. If you’re interested in learning about a humanist ceremony, or you yourself are planning one, I’d love to bounce ideas back and forth! There’s not a lot of talk about humanist wedding ceremonies in the states, especially on most wedding sites, but I think the idea of a “secular” wedding is growing. And if you’re not yet praying for my salvation (because please don’t!), take a look at this post on humanist weddings on the Friendly Atheist.
There are more and more certified officiants in the states, one of whose blogs I read - Weddingbee PRO’s own Eclectic Unions. She’s an active celebrant on the East Coast, and recently posted this video about Humanist weddings and what a Celebrant is:
While Mr. Cubbie and I plan to make our wedding ceremony based on humanist ideals, we have decided to not have a celebrant officiate. Why, you ask? Especially after all that jazz up there?? Well, simply put, we want our officiant to be someone with whom we have an active relationship. This is just a personal choice, though. Plus, we want to have 100% control of what’s said during our ceremony.
Meet Margarine, Mr. Bear Cub’s grandma. Her nickname for Mr. Cubbie is “rye bread”, because… we Bear Cubs love us some hearty bread! 
Would you like some Margarine on your Rye Bread? Margarine was a professor of theatre at Cornell and She. Is. Awesome. I can’t even begin to describe how awesome she is. Well, let’s try, but in her own words - her email to us after we gave her all the info on being our officiant…
Mr. Bear Cub and I sent her:
“Margarine!
As our bodacious wedding is quickly approaching, Its probably time for you to discover your holier side and become a minister!
Good.
The easiest path to enlightenment is through the Universal life church at http://www.themonastery.org/ ……..”
To which she replied:
“To The Redoubtable Rye Breads (aka future Mr. & Mrs. Bear Cub),
My main questions are: Why was I born? What is the meaning of life? And has Miss Bear Cub taught any of the natives to say “Lift the lid a little, it”ll open” in Spanish?”
(Side note - our friend Sean taught us his favorite tongue-twister: “jiggle it a little it’ll open”. Upon hearing it, Margarine couldn’t stop saying it! It’s such a wonderful conglomeration of syllables! 
Go on! Try it! )
Basically, she’s incredibly random and butt-loads of fun! We know that Margarine will fill the role of officiant perfectly, because while we’re not religious, Margarine is the person who best fits the role of “minister” - a person to look to for guidance and wisdom.
How did you choose your officiant?
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Share this post: Rye Bread with Margarine
We are having his uncle, who is an ordained minister, marry us. But we are having a subtely Pagan ceremony… it’s a ceremony called the “Blessing of the Hands” ceremony, and our MOH and best man are the ones who actually read us our vows. It’s going to be so awesome!
Cool, I myself also am non-religious and it conflicts with a lot of wedding traditions. The officiant is a very scary task for me in the future. I’m still waiting for the ring though. I’m happy that you have someone awesome to take on the task.
Mr.D and I have just been saying “jiggle it a little it’ll open” for about 3 minutes now! tee hee hee
I am so glad you are posting about this! My FI and I are atheists, and though I do not know much about humanism, we do share similar beliefs about the dignity and worth of all people, etc. We’re having a minister from the Universal Church of Life marry us in a secular ceremony. Our minister does both religious and secular ceremonies, and she is totally open-minded about what we want for our ceremony, including a not-so-subtle shout out to all the men and women out there who can’t, as of yet, marry the ones they love. I’m excited it’s becoming more acceptable to have a secular wedding in the states!
I’m not sure if you were referring just to your state, but not all states require that a celebrant perform your ceremony. in colorado you can marry yourselves, and that’s what we did.
Okay so I just read some of the wikipedia page and I am so excited by it. It sums up so much of what I have expressed and my views and I’m really glad you wrote this post.
She sounds great! And now I want some rye bread with margarine. Yum.
I can’t tell you how happy to read this post. I am also an athiest and I often feel so alone in this wedding blog world. It is so refreshing to have a humanist couple to follow. We are getting married in a Unitarian Church and choose an officant who will let us control everything that is said.
Thanks for posting about this and opening yourself up. It is really nice for other brides to see someone like themselves out there.
Interesting post. I love hearing about different religions and non religions (so to speak). While my fiance and I are semi-religious (is that even possible?), he’s Protestant and I’m Catholic, we don’t entirely agree with certain aspects of either religion. We’ve gone to his parents church and we plan on going to a local Catholic church soon.
But we are getting married outdoors because a) I’ve always wanted to get married outdoors and b) we’ve yet to find a church that feels comfortable for us. So we are trying to figure who can marry us. And we don’t want a minster or a priest to marry us because we aren’t totally sure where we stand and are in the process of trying to figure it out (plus finding a minister or priest to marry us without belonging to a church would be difficult). We’re still working on it.
While we didn’t have a humanist ceremony, our ceremony was completely written by us and totally secular. We had a nondenominational minister who was totally open to our writing everything ourselves and including no religion, no soulmates and no Bible in our ceremony. It’s great that there are growing resouces for this kind of thing - it’s a great way to celebrate. It was also totally unique - many of our guests said that they thought our ceremony was the most personal one they had been to and was “totally us”! Enjoy!
We’re both humanists, too! We’re being married outside by somebody (a “reverend,” albeit from a very vague and open church) who allowed us to totally customize our ceremony, word-for-word. Love this post!
I don’t understand your Catholic comment. A Catholic couple does have to be married in the church or else it isn’t recognized. That is true. So maybe I just missed something here in your post.
I believe “jiggle it a little it’ll open” is my new favourite thing to say. Might even be a forte of mine
Thank you for introducing me to something new for my blog reader! Friendly Atheist looks interesting.
My fiance and I aren’t religious, but my father and grandfather are ministers and will be doing the ceremony. I would probably have a lot harder time with a traditional religious ceremony without the family connections.
someone else semi-mentioned this, but fyi for anyone out there interested–there are states where you can legally be married by a celebrant.
Andrea’s right, Catholics do have to be married in a church for it to be recognized. There are also several other conditions.
Cool ideas though!
I always wondered what Humanism was all about, thanks for this. My FI would love to read this it sounds like what he believes–I call myself spiritual–which is a nice way of saying i believe in the possibility of a higher power/gods/goddesses–all of it and I’m anti-religion for myself.
We are having a friend marry us. He’s been ordained online but NY is kind of strict with this so just in case we’re making it legal at the court the day before the wedding.
This may make you giggle since you’re a real astronomer and I just took 2 introductory level astronomy courses in college: after getting out of a lecture about the different theorized ways the universe would..end, I had one of those gorgeous existential moments and knew religion wasn’t quite there for me, with no offense meant to others.
We’re also trying to inject some of our “spirituality” into the the ceremony without being all king lear about it. Definitely excited to find out more about your ceremony ideas.
I just asked the minister from back when I used to attend a Unitarian Universalist congregation to officiate for us, and I highly recommend the UU route for anyone who wants an officiant who is experienced in leading ceremonies but will be very open-minded about traditions and language, especially non-theist/humanist/etcetera. (You don’t even have to be a UU to be married by a UU minister - I’m now a “lapsed UU”, if that’s possible!)
P.S. I get all my blogs through Google Reader, including my recipes, and I totally thought this post was a recipe for rye bread with margarine and thought to myself “wow, do people really need instructions for that?!” 
We’re also having a secular ceremony, and are having a mutual friend being certified online (legal in our state). She was so excited that she already got certified over 1 year out!
I just love when someone posts about humanist or atheist leaning ceremonies, and I watch all of these people in the same situations come out of the woodwork! THAT is why I became a Celebrant - to marry all of YOU!!
Miss Cubbie, I’m so glad you found the perfect officiant for you
I had never heard of heard of humanism before.. As soon as I read your description I felt like something had finally clicked. I told my fiance about it and he liked the idea too. Thanks for giving me something to research today! (We asked one of our friends to officiate too, as an easy way to make some of my family more comfortable with our secular ceremony.)
Yea for another humanist bride! I have not read many blogs where the bride was squarely in the humanist camp. My fiance is not a humanist, he definitely believes in god, so we have to compromise on the ceremony. We are having a friend of the family Unitarian (which even accept atheists into their congregations, so its a good compromise) minister marry us and the ceremony will include a couple mentions of god to please my fiance and family.
Miss Bear Cub, we are kindred spirits! I knew I liked you when you mentioned Fred Willard.. but now.. you’re a Humanist? Me too! I am so happy you posted this.. I have felt so alone and isolated in the wedding world, and your post is a bit of sunshine!
You are lucky.. I am having trouble finding a celebrant.. or officiant. We do not have any friends or family that are Atheists or Humanists.. all are religious, or believe themselves to be. I hate the idea of hiring a judge or someone we don’t know to perform our ceremony, but at this point I see no other choice:( Wish I had a super cool aunt like you guys!
I’d love to hear from bees who are planning an “interfaith-esque” Humanist/Christian ceremony. We’re trying to honor both of our beliefs, what marriage is to EACH of us.
We’re finding it VERY hard to find an officiant who is receptive and willing to work with us. Anyone else in this boat?
@liv: You’re right - in Colorado, anyone can officiate. I believe it’s state by state. (lucky you!)
@amysue: This is the meat of my post - it feels weird to me that, as an atheist/humanist, we’re still required to be married by a religious official. Doesn’t it strike you as a little odd? I’m glad you found someone that is so open to your vision!
@Andrea: Yes. My comment was that a Catholic couple does have to be married in a catholic church for it to be recognized.
@diorable: Wow, that sounds like an incredibly moving experience! Physics and astronomy didn’t turn me into a humanist, if you’re wondering. It’s something I’ve always believed (even though I was actually confirmed in the catholic church in high school…)
@Jessie Blum @ Eclectic Unions: I actually have a question for you! I know that you are a celebrant, but I thought that ceremonies conducted by “celebrants” weren’t recognized by most states. Are you also an “ordained” minister, like Universal Life Church? Most states (besides Colorado, for example) require that the officiant be (a judge, or) a religious official, and that’s it. But Humanism isn’t exactly recognized as a religion, so … are you ordained as a religious official?
This is an interesting post. You may not realize that Catholics do need to be married in the church in order for it to be recognized as a valid marriage. While Protestants choose to be married by a minister to show that they are choosing to have God bless and join their union in the holy covenant known as marriage. I think that our laws are based on the idea that one could choose to have an elder in your community officiate your marriage, and those who did not choose to have a minister could have a legal marriage through the justice of the peace or a judge…who would be a known elder of the community at large as an officiant. I am glad that you found someone to be the elder in your life, but I honestly don’t like the computer generated officiant for a day as a religious order of sorts. As someone who is a faithful Christian, I believe that those internet sites are offensive. The ministers, rabbis, clerics, priests, pastors, and judges have undergone training in marriage laws and legalities that the internet folk haven’t … to me it’s like saying you have a PhD when you don’t even have a driver’s license. I think it’s fine to have a family member celebrate the day and officiate your vows… but the internet thing is really offensive to me.
@miss bliss: I’m sorry you feel that way about how being ordained online is offensive to you. Realistically, it’s the only way for the person that we feel is our “elder” to legally marry us. I wish the situation was different, but right now, it’s not. For most states, the law says that, outside of the courthouse, a “religious official” must marry you - not just an “elder”.
@miss bliss: Ideally, we wouldn’t have our officiant, Mr. BC’s grandma, ordained. I wish that it were legal for her to marry us without bringing religion into the picture.
BTW my fiance just got his PhD in August last year. He got his first driver’s license in June the same year.
Good one, Ms Bear Cub.
We regard ourselves agnostics and strongly believe in humanist / objectivist values.
Our wedding in July will be totally non-religious, and we’ll incorporate non-biblical readings, a ring warming, marry ourselves (after that legitimize it at a courthouse) and have guests sign a certificate a la Quaker wedding cert style.
we believe that a non-religious wedding can be a meaningful one too.
all the best! and know that you’re being awesome sticking to your own beliefs (we’ve had resistance from religious family members along the way…).
Very interesting post! My fiance and I haven’t put much thought as to who will marry us yet. Neither of us are religious (I was raised catholic but I never really believed in any of it and I consider myself an atheistic agnostic, and fiance is atheist), and the only condition we have is that whoever marries us has to be bilingual because my family doesn’t speak English and his family doesn’t speak Spanish, so we figued we’d just get a judge to do it. I didn’t even know there were other options! We’ll have to research the rules for wedding officiants in Puerto Rico (where we’ll get married) and see what we can come up with!
Miss Bear Cub, I loved this post!!! My fiance and I are both not religious (I was raised Catholic but I don’t practice and fiance is atheist) and my family is just boggled by our not wanting to marry in a church. As soon as we got engaged, the first thing we did was ask my fiance’s college roommate to marry us… he was our best friend as a couple from the start of our relationship and both consider him like a brother. We figured he knew us better than any religious figure (priest, minister, etc.) would ever know us. He got ordained with the Universal Life Church and took a public speaking course to prep. We can wait for him to be such a special part of our day and marriage. I’m happy to see someone else had similar views!
hey miss BC…thanks for writing this! my hubby and i are atheist and that’s actually a big part of why we ended up eloping. my parents are very devout catholics and are still upset that we didn’t get married “in the church”. his mom is a methodist minister and would have been very upset about not being able to marrying us in a church. our wonderful “minister” in vegas was very respectful of our wishes and left god completely out of our vows.
anyway, my hubby has the friendly atheist on his google reader and we actually started a local atheist meetup here in indianapolis, so major props to you for representing the atheist/humanist community here on the bee!
and isn’t it funny how many people come out of the woodwork when someone speaks up? it makes me so happy to know we’re not in it alone.
@miss bliss I understand your point, but to me it would be more disrespectful for a couple to get married in a religious tradition and not believe in the principles of that tradition, which I have seen a lot of couples do. If a couple has someone close to them to perform the ceremony and creates a meaningful ceremony, then I don’t see the problem.
Yay, it’s so nice to hear about secular weddings! I’m really bent on the whole officiant thing, and am strongly leaning towards having a mutual friend become a justice-of-the-peace for us. I’m happy you found something to work for your ceremony, and look forward to future developments!
I’m so glad to read about another secular wedding! My FI and I are non-religious (I am pretty solidly agnostic, he’s an atheist) and it’s SO HARD to find a secular officiant in Philly. We’re lucky that PA has self-uniting marriage licenses, originally used by Quakers but now (supposedly) available to all. Unfortunately, some counties refuse to issue them even though they’re 100% legal, but that’s another story. My FI and I are still undecided about whether to find a judge to marry us (’cause there don’t seem to be any JPs around for some reason), do a courthouse marriage before or after our big wedding, or try a self-uniting license (although we’re wary about that because I’ve heard that immigration authorities don’t care for them, and he’s not a US citizen). We know for sure, though, that we don’t even want a “fake minister” — it has to be either a state official or ourselves. Then again, we both believe that only the state should sanction legal unions and that religious figures should not have legal authority (this is how it is where he’s from, and there are plenty of religious ceremonies — but everyone still has to go to the registry office). Sigh…it should be so much easier than it really is!
1. Love your grandma.
2. I am definitely going to check out Humanism. Atheist has such a bad rep and I don’t know if I’m a Deist.
3. I really want to go to Chile.
Best Wishes!
MidwestElle @ iowabride.blogspot.com
What a fantastic post! Mr. WorstTwin and I feel the exact same way and neither one of us are religious, so we plan on having a similar ceremony to yours! We plan on having my Aunt marry us, who seems to be very similar to your “Rye Bread”. It’s good to know there are other couples out there just like us! I would love to bounce ideas off of you as well!
Oh I can’t wait to get clicking on the links you chared in your post! I’m an aethiest and we’re having a humanist officiant perform our service. I’m not sure what the rules here in Ontario, Canada are {other than he *will* be legally marrying us!}.
I don’t know much about humanism, but we basically went with a non-religious officiant who we got on well with after meeting. I’d have loved to have a friend be our officiant, but couldn’t figure out whether the internet thing worked up here or not…
In the state of Colorado a couple can affirm their own marriage. While this isn’t the same as recognizing a celbrant, it is an option available in the states.
Hi Miss BC! Humanism sounds awesome, and the best part is that you and Mr. BC have that in common. I’m not very religious either, but I do take part in a large number of religious holidays - my religion has alot of humanistic qualities now that I think of it, it actually didnt start as a religion - it was created as a “way of life” - basically; Everyone is equal, give to the poor, protect those who cannot protect themselves, etc. I guess you can say it is humanism (in a way…).
Haha Miss Bear cub, I also am a confirmed catholic although I never believed it and considered myself atheist. My mom pretty much made me and if I didn’t confirm I would have had to take the classes again the next year. You are my new favorite bee.
Too bad you’re not getting married in Colorado - y’all could marry yourselves like me & my hubby did.
Thank you so much for bravely speaking up about this issue; I agree wholeheartedly with all the views you’ve expressed. We also wanted someone close to us to marry us, so our friend’s stepfather (who DH and I both consider a second dad) married us with no mention of god/religion etc. in our ceremony (he is a Universal Life minister). It’s one of the best decisions we made for our wedding; having him marry us was so special! Remember that your marriage needs to be about you, so follow your hearts and beliefs. Can’t wait to hear all the details about what you decide!
i was so happy to read this post. we are having a humanistic jewish wedding with a humanistic rabbi. i’ve been following your posts eagerly and will continue to do so.
This is such an interesting post! I consider myself Christian but I’ve realized the older I get the more insane it is that people use their religion to justify things they do (some very bad!) or use it as permission to judge others. I’m Lutheran which is notorious for “sinning boldly”, but that’s a whole ‘nother post. lol
Thanks for posting! Going back to read the comments now…
My fiance and I are getting married in Scotland (where we live) by a Humanist celebrant. We just wrote out our ceremony this weekend and will be discussing it with her on Saturday. I love that more people are hearing about it and I’m excited about the total freedom we have to express ourselves. BTW, if I’m not mistaken, it’s legal to get married by a humanist celebrant in Canda (where I’m from).
Just so you know, in Australia it’s legal to be married by a religious official or a non-religious celebrant. The celebrant needs to be registered, but the ceremony can happen anywhere, and the ceremony can be anything, the only “legal” part required in the ceremony is a sentence said by each person, stating that they agree to be married to the other.
You don’t need to visit a registry office or anything prior to the ceremony, but you need to lodge a “intention to marry” form 1 month beforehand.
No gay marraige yet, but hopefully soon~!
Miss Bear Cub, I’m so glad you wrote this! Would you believe this is the first I’ve heard of Humanism? I’m very keen to find out more, because, like you, I don’t like the stigma that goes along with the term ‘Atheist’. Thanks!
I would just like to mention that the Catholic comment is incorrect. Catholics DO have to be married in a church or else it will not be recognized by the religion. If you get married in a church of another faith, say if your husband is Greek orthodox, etc, then you can do a dispensation but you need to do marriage prep, etc, in order for it to be recognized. Catholics cannot get married outside the body of the church and no priest will marry you outside of the body of the church.
I’m glad you brought this up! Religion always seems to be such a touchy topic. In my younger days I called myself an Athiest; while I don’t have a religion per say, I guess I’m more Agnostic now. All in all, my beliefs are quite similar to yours. We ended up having a non-denominational ceremony, with no mention of religion or “godly” terms.
We use an adapted humanist ceremony at our wedding three weeks ago. In Maryland the couple has to believe that the person offciating at the wedding is a leader of their faith (so if you are agnostic then really anyone can do it), We selected someone who happened to be ordained through Universal Life Church, but primarily because he’s performed 100 or so beach weddings at our destination, because (as it happens) I went to high school with him and because he was totally open to using whatever ceremony we wanted to use. It was perfect for us, but I realize that route is not for everyone.
everyone has a religion. we all worship something…
I find it so unnerving to see how many people on this site consider themselves non-religious, agnostic, athiest, or humanistic… especially in these days, I couldn’t imagine not having my church and God to lean on and depend on for my stability. I firmly believe that a marriage should be a religious ceremony, a pledge to God that you will remain true and faithful, and continue to grow closer to him in your married relationship. This country was founded on God and the belief that he exists. Where would this country be without that? While I don’t look down on any belief, I do feel a necessity to pray that those people will be ‘enlightened’ so to speak. I’m not meaning to offend anyone by my comments just speaking my mind as all of you have.
Thanks for posting this! I was raised in Humanistic Judaism and, likely as a result, have never been a believer. My husband and I were married by my favorite college professor, who happens to be ordained on the internet as a “minister.” Our ceremony was completely non-religious and laugh-til-you-cry hilarious. And perfect!
Thank you for posting about this I think I am going to send it to my mother!
We plan on getting a self-uniting marriage certificate in PA and having a close family friend officiate. We are also writing the ceremony ourselves! We believe that marriage is pledge to each other, plain and simple.
Hubby and I are both “staunch” atheists, and I think it’s a shame that some atheists fear embracing that word and instead couch it in terms like “humanists” or “brights” or “freethinkers,” etc. I understand the intent, but it still seems like it was borne out of bullying (the way “liberal” has become a dirty word, thanks to right-wing media).
I grew up in the Methodist church and appreciate the sense of community it provided. I would like something like that for my own child when I have one, so I’ve looked into humanist groups in the area. But I think part of the disconnect for me is that, by nature, a lot of atheists just aren’t the “joining” type. I haven’t decided whether that’s a sign of laziness or just self-sufficiency.
Anyway, thanks for the post. Like you, Miss Bear Cub, I’ve realized since my early teen years that I didn’t believe in God. I even told my pastor that on the eve of my confirmation, and he urged me to go through with it anyway, so I did. It was a very liberal congregation, and he came just short of telling me he didn’t believe in God either, but rather just the “be good to others” version of religion. I’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by people who accept or even embrace my atheism, so I’ve never felt the need to hide it. In fact, I’m quite proud of it.
Great post! It is always interesting to hear another take on things and it was a bit comforting to realize that others struggle with the religious aspect of legalizing a marriage as well. My fiance and I are planning an outdoor ceremony this July and we will be married by our friend who was previously ordained online. It was the easiest decision we made in the wedding-planning process and we are both grateful not to have to pretend to be religious on our wedding day.
Interesting post — I think you’ve connected with a lot of people. But I also want to say that there are a lot of religions and denominations that are open and warm and freethinking. Religion has provided such comfort and direction in my life.
I got my yoga teacher ordained through the same website - she’s performing our ceremony!
I love this post! I was raised catholic and my FI was raised in church of christ… we’re being married in my late grandparent’s presbyterian church, but are both agnostic. Honestly at this point our “religous official” is for our parents and not ourselves.
Yay! The happy human! We also chose my uncle to be our officiant because he is very much like Margarine. Unfortunately, we recently found out that online ordinations dont fly in the state of NY, so we’re trying to see if he can co-officiate with a JOP. Ridiculous I tell you!
I’m atheist, but I’ve recently been reading up on humanism. I think it’s difficult for even understanding religious people to wrap their minds around “non-belief.” And how generically spiritual a lot of “non-religious” things are. It took some work to really strip our ceremony wording down so there were no references to a higher power. Both of us were raised Catholic, and he still has a belief in god, but we both agree that no matter your beliefs it’s right to treat people as we’d like to be treated, love our families, and respect the beliefs of others as long as they don’t infringe upon human rights. I suppose I have a different definition of marriage because of this; it being a celebration of the love between two people, not two people and god. I find it very interesting that most religions teach its followers not to judge others, but many times they are the first to cast judgement.
We are having a celebrant officiate our wedding. She is a court clerk, and is very respectful about not imposing her own beliefs (we don’t even know what those are!) into the ceremony. It took a little digging to find her, but she’s awesome!
@nvybaby82 - i completely agree and thank you for what you had to say. i couldn’t have said it better myself.
@Miss Bear Cub: Yes, I am an ordained minister, through the Universal Brotherhood Movement - http://www.universalbrotherhood.org/ - because, in the wonderful state of New Jersey, that is the credential that I need to sign the papers. So, technically, I am a minister, but I don’t preach, minister, or provide any kind of spiritual guidance or support (other than friendship and ceremony guidance) to my couples. Really, it’s in title alone, I don’t use it on ANYTHING, and never call myself Reverend or Pastor Jessie. It doesn’t feel right for me, or for the people who choose me to perform their wedding ceremonies.
In some states, such as Massachusetts, a lay person can register and obtain the power to solemnize a marriage for a single day - I did that for my best friend’s wedding last year - and I wish that more states would take a bit of the religion out of the legality of legalizing marriages.
You mentioned that you were hesitant to bring religion into your ceremony at all - check out the First Church of Atheism, which will ordain online for free, religion-free: http://firstchurchofatheism.com/
And a quick Google search brought this up, too: http://www.spiritualhumanism.org/
@Miss Bear Cub: Yes, I am an ordained minister, through the Universal Brotherhood Movement - http://www.universalbrotherhood.org/ - because, in the wonderful state of New Jersey, that is the credential that I need to sign the papers. So, technically, I am a minister, but I don’t preach, minister, or provide any kind of spiritual guidance or support (other than friendship and ceremony guidance) to my couples. Really, it’s in title alone, I don’t use it on ANYTHING, and never call myself Reverend or Pastor Jessie. It doesn’t feel right for me, or for the people who choose me to perform their wedding ceremonies.
In some states, such as Massachusetts, a lay person can register and obtain the power to solemnize a marriage for a single day - I did that for my best friend’s wedding last year - and I wish that more states would take a bit of the religion out of the legality of legalizing marriages.
You mentioned that you were hesitant to bring religion into your ceremony at all - check out the First Church of Atheism, which will ordain online for free, religion-free: http://firstchurchofatheism.com/
And a quick Google search brought this up, too: http://www.spiritualhumanism.org/
@nvybaby82: Personally, I believe that this country was founded so everyone could find their own personal spiritual path - choosing to belief in a God or religion, or not. It’s something that everyone is entitled to their own opinion about, but it is a very touchy and sensitive subject with many people.
Hey Miss Bear Cub! Great post. FI and I are Humanist, too (Though we don’t really use that label. FI goes straight for the big A, and I stick with non-religious)
Unfortunately, our families (ok, my family) were not as understanding as yours sound like! There was a BIG to-do about the wedding not being in a church or officiated by a priest. They finally (reluctantly) accepted it, but we are having a vaguely Christian ceremony, to keep the peace. We are definitely adding non-religious elements though - blessing of the hands, and at least one reading will be non-Biblical.
@nvybaby82: @nvybaby82: @nvybaby82: I have to comment on your statement that: “This country was founded on God and the belief that he exists.”
America is not a religious country. Regardless of what specifically our forefathers believed, they did not create a national religion and deliberately so. There is nothing in the Constitution or Declaration of Independence stating that we all must believe in one thing. Rather, this is a country that was founded on the concept of freedom and the separation of church and state– freedom of speech, freedom of religion– being able to say you do or do not believe in something without fear of retribution. So many people have come to this country, not because it’s a “god-based” country, but rather because they can come here and live freely.
I can say I am an atheist without worrying that I’m going to be punished for not believing what “I’m supposed to believe.” I can say I disagree with the policies of a former president without concern for imprisonment or worse. That ability, that freedom is what this country was founded on.
I don’t say all of this to imply that you shouldn’t believe what you believe or that you are “wrong” to believe in god. Rather I say this to point out how awesome it is that you and I can completely disagree on this point and can both freely say so.
To imply that it’s sad or discouraging or somehow wrong that people don’t believe in the same thing you believe in is close-minded. Just because something is “right” for you doesn’t mean that it’s “right” for everyone.
Marriage- on one hand a legal right (hopefully for everyone one day soon!!)- is also a very personal thing. No one marriage or wedding or ceremony– or relationship for that matter– is the same, so why not celebrate the differences and enjoy the discussions that ensue? I am glad that this site and in particular Miss BC with this post has sought to embrace and discuss a variety of weddings and beliefs therein.
whoops! Clearly I’m learning with this whole “how to reply” to people as I only meant to reply one time … I’m not the most tech-saavy
Its good to see someone else on a major wedding site dealing with the struggles of creating a non-religious wedding. Unfortunately for FH and I our families are not accepting of our beliefs. We’ve had people we’ve considered friends say our wedding isn’t real and that our marriage is not valid in their eyes. Its very upsetting but I guess that just cuts our already large guest list down ;-). Its rough but we’re sticking to our guns and having a wedding that means something to us as I would expect someone who is religious to have a wedding that’s meaningful to them. We have found a great officiant through the Unitarian Universalist Church and she is very open and excited to work with us. It was a struggle to even find an officiant outside of a church that would agree to work with us because of our atheist/ humanist/ agnostic beliefs. I guess the best thing to tell all the other humanist/ atheist/ agnostic people out there is that yes a non-religious wedding can be done.
I searched for officiant on Weddingbee and your post was the first one to pop up! And Im glad it did! My fiance arent religious and I’m not even baptised! For half of my life I grew up outside of the church and my parents never really bothered teaching us about GOD or what their beliefs were…I guess if we had questions they would answer them…but my dad grew up Catholic and didnt like it too much and my mom was Methodist and fell out of that too…but in high school I met a girl in class who was part of a church and I started to go to the youth group, etc. I had fun because it was like a family and we were all friends in the youth group. But then when I got to college the group there was too religious for me and were reading right from the bible at the meetings and it wasnt what I was looking for. For me its wasnt ever about the religion it was about the family…esp because my parents were in the middle of a divorce…so since we arent religious we have found “Journeys of the Heart” who are a group of officiant who will marry anyone with any kind of beliefs…and our wedding day will be about us, love, and family…and to me thats all I need! I like your post and I think its great that his grandma is going to marry you!!
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Mrs. Cub, Chile/Portland
Age and Occupation: 26, Astronomer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Astronomer
Engagement Date: May 10, 2008
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Westwind YWCA camp
About Me: I'm a small-town girl who's making a living in Chile, with her heart in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up in Southern California, went to high school in Texas, grad school in New Mexico, and now I can't wait to settle down in Oregon! I love pears, hazelnuts,
knitting, traveling, running, baking, and long talks on the phone with
good friends. I'm planning my Oregon coast summer camp wedding while
abroad with my best friend - I'm always at home when I'm with him!
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