Wedding Blog
I couldn’t be more excited and grateful that guests are responding to our invites and sending in their RSVPs in a timely manner. In the past, I admit to some bad RSVP behavior, such as sending it in right at the deadline, or after. I think once I even forgot to send one back all together, and had to email my response to the bride-to-be. Terrible!! I was in college, and absent-minded… but still, that was no excuse.
Now that I am on the receiving end of the RSVPs, I have been bothered by something.
It’s such a small thing, and I know I shouldn’t particularly care, but it has been mildly upsetting to me when guests have declined the invitation by simply checking “no”. It’s less about the guest’s decline, and more that they didn’t care to write anything else. I’m not asking for a two page manifesto outlining their reasons for missing the wedding. But, it wouldn’t hurt anyone to write, “Congratulations,” or “Sorry we will miss it, but thanks anyway,” or “Glad we won’t be attending your wretched affair.” 
I know I am being overly sensitive and maybe too touchy, but, to me, it feels kinda rude. It’s the equivalent of asking someone in person if they’d like to attend your wedding, and them responding with “no” and just walking away.
I am so glad to learn these lessons through experience. I have yet to decline a wedding invitation, but I know now that I will never decline without writing a thoughtful message to the couple getting married, regardless of my reasons for not attending.
Do you consider certain RSVP-related situations to be rude or in bad taste? Were you surprised at yourself for caring?
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i agree! the simple no seems kind of blunt and rude. just a simple “we’re sad to miss it” makes a world of difference.
I agree, although that’s partly the fault of how RSVP cards are designed I think. Still, I understand it hurts!
Marking just NO is the least of my worries. I’ve had people write 6-8 on the number of attending even though it says 2 reserved. Now that is just plain rude.
I completely agree, whether you have a space for a message of not there are many ways to decline politely and just marking “no” seems a bit harsh. I think even worse than the no is the non-responder. At least the “no” had the courtesy to put the thing in the mail. I had many non-responders who just ASS-U-MEd that we would know whether they were coming. The fact that we work so hard stamping and in some cases making these RSVP cards to make it very simple for our invitees and they still can’t respond makes me really annoyed and even think differently about a lot of the people I invited!
As I was reading your blog I was laughing at the simple fact that I 100% agree with you! I just received my very own Aunt and Uncle’s response card with a NO and nothing more to it! I called my sister in such disbelief! They couldn’t say anything else????
Miss Glitter~ Great Blog!!!!! I am so happy to see I am not the only one that feels this way!
I agree! That’s plain unfriendly. I’m doing RSVP postcards, though, so I doubt there will be extra room for notes on my nos. I’m in for some hurt feelings. 
i would feel the same way if there was no note or explanation for someone saying “no”. in an effort to encourage guests to leave a note, on the back side of our rsvp postcard we have a section called “words of wisdom” and a few lines.
you are not alone! I had the exact same reaction with every no decline - my now husband thought I was nuts. But I really got upset over it - and was relieved when someone would write a note saying sorry they could not attend. I definitely had a few surprises from people that I was ’sure’ would come and when they said no and didn’t include a note - I was upset. Almost there Miss Glitter!
I have felt this way and am so glad that I am not the only one!
I do agree with TicaChica completely! We are 5 days past our RSVP deadline and I have yet to hear a peep from a few of my college friends! Nothing! Not even an “I got your invite.” And some of the guilty ones were married not too long ago! They should have learned!
I do have to laugh at myself and fiance sometimes. We will get worked up and then just start laughing cause we stop and listen to what we are saying and never thought we would be saying this!
Wow, I’m not alone! I was really surprised I cared - especially that I cared enough to write a whole freakin’ post about it!! I guess the little things do matter.
@honeymyheart: I love the idea of a “words of wisdom” section! I think a few of the Bees have done that, too.
@LittleBear: Ahhh, I feel your pain. We are just a couple of days from our deadline, and there are many non-responders. When I wrote this post, the “nos” were bothering me, but now they seem to be the least of my worries….
And you’re right. You do have to laugh at yourself sometimes. It’s the only way to stay sane!
Agreed… I don’t think I’ve ever had to reply “No” to a wedding but I try to include a little note with all my RSVPs, so would definitely put one in a no.
We spruced up the response card by changing the responses to:
____ In person
____ In spirit
We’ve gotten all sorts of creative responses, including “Guess we’ll have to be there in person, since we have no souls…”
I am really happy that our guests thought enough to write a response. I am sad, however, that some people have chosen not to send back their RSVP cards. They’ve got 4 more days until they are officially late!
I think you’re perfectly justified in wanting a comment. Of course, in the old days, RSVP cards weren’t even included . . . those who were invited knew to write a note to the hostess accepting or declining the invitation. I guess over time, to encourage responses, RSVP cards became the expected. I have a friend who commented that it was rude that a bride didn’t send RSVP cards with her invitation, but noted it on her invitation. I left my friend speechless when I mentioned that good manners would have required her to pull out her stationary and draft a note!
I completely agree!! I also found one of my rsvp’s to be in complete bad taste. The couple checked off regretfully decline then crossed that off and checked will attend and then a happy face. I was like huh? What is that?
You are not alone. I have had this problem with several RSVPs. A few of them have really upset the fiance but he just calls and asks them why. The worst one was the RSVP from his uncle. They declined their invitation but made sure to note that they would be sending a gift, no congrats or anything. I think I would rather have them there than the gift.
i had the exact same reaction when my cousins declined our wedding invitation. They just responded “no” and I was so hurt, because they had never even mentioned in person to me that they couldn’t make it and why.
People I’ve never met before wrote paragraphs about how sad they were to miss it, and my own family was pretty dismissive!
I know it feels bad when its just a “no” with no note, but it isn’t bad etiquette or even rude. They responded honestly and in a timely manner. It would have been nice of them to include a well wishes or an explanation, but it doesn’t make them rude for not. That being said, once I got a few and got my feelings hurt, I will never again send an RSVP as a “no” with no note, because i felt that pang of hurt and wont put it on anyone else.
AH HA!! FINALLY…this is something that has been buggin’ the H-E double hockey sticks out of me for the last few weeks. I even got a declined from a good friend (or at least I thought) with no email no phone call or explanation….what gives people? I know that not everyone thinks this is the most important day EVER, but at least pretend you care!
Totally agree–the “no”’s hurt a lot, and I wasn’t prepapred for it to be that way! Almost all of our guests were local, and they were all family, or our closest friends, so we really didn’t expect as many no’s as we got. Prepare yourself for the non-responders though–the people who just never responded in any way, and never sent a card or a note or even a phone call hurt much more than those who at least took the time to respond!
It’s worse to get a “no” on the RSVP section of the wedding website…no email, no call, no postage paid card.
Also my Aunt and Uncle weren’t even going to tell me personally, even through the veil of the internet. They relied on my mother to tell me. LAME!
As an invitation designer, I always get asked by brides if it’s okay for their guests to write on the back of the RSVPs, to which I say yes, perfectly fine to do so.
Also, think of the tone in which you’d like to be responded to. Rather than “Yes/No”, you can get creative and have a little fun with the wording since it’s you’ll be seeing the RSVP cards multiple times.
i think some people just don’t know to write anything else. to be honest, it wasn’t until i started reading wedding blogs and such that i realized a note would be appreciated; that said, now i always write a little something whether i’m attending or not.
knowing how much i apparently didn’t know about weddings, i’m more inclined to cut people some slack.
@doctorgirl: Haha! I like that - “in person” or “in spirit”. How clever! And the responses you got were clever, too Good luck with getting the last of your responses!
@iswimibikeirun: I wish more people would write lovely handwritten notes! I like your response to your friend
@mdarrah: You’re right, it’s not rude. I should’ve rephrased that in my post. It can feel hurtful (even though they’ve followed the rules), but it isn’t necessarily rude at all!
@emdash: A decline via the web with no note or anything? That stinks.
@fubabee: Thanks for the tips! In retrospect, I wish I would’ve gotten more creative than will attend/will not attend. I didn’t think I would care…until I did
@tea: True. A lot of people don’t know the intricacies of weddings. And some people just don’t have good manners! Haha! I agree that not everyone knows or thinks about the little wedding-related things. I certainly didn’t before I got engaged.
I agree with tea–before I got married, I was always unsure about writing a note on the card. I thought the bride might be mad if I scribbled all over her elegant card! People are just following directions by checking the box, and probably aren’t sure what the etiquette is about writing something. Also, if they’re older, they probably think the cards just go to your parents, and they don’t realize that people read them and keep them as mementos nowadays. Perhaps rsvp cards should have a little designated space for a note.
I think its absurd to expect people to write a reason for not attending a wedding or even a note of congratulations. A simple no is all that is required. And if you are looking for well wishes, then, the logical place for congrats is with the gift or in a card. An RSVP card is just that: a yes or no response.
I thought is seemed a little curt, but I didn’t know that people usually wrote little notes. From the comments, it seems that writing a note is the norm, so now I’m starting to wonder about the decline responses I’ve been getting…
@CD: I never said I expected guests to do anything. Actually, I was more surprised at my own reaction, if anything. Only one of our RSVP cards has come back with a note of congratulations - whether the person was coming or not. That didn’t bother me. I don’t think I am being absurd by feeling a certain way, but in the end, whether a note was written or not, it is definitely not worth getting too worked up over it. I’m just glad I’m not alone in feeling a bit put off.
luckily i havent gotten back a no response yet but i did get a response without a name!!! all they would write was “four people” and check off the yes, i am coming. i still have no clue who did that?!
As far as I can remember, I’ve always written in a short “sorry” or “prior committments but best wishes”, etc. when not attending weddings. If the invitees are closer friends/family then I also write out a full apology and send love their way in a note or card when sending a present. I never really thought about how the bride/groom would feel with a simple “no”… until now. I agree, with how you explained it as simply walking up to a person and asking them, a response of “no” and you just walk away… *sniff* that’s mean.
Well, at least your guests wrote SOMETHING. My RSVP cards have a space for name(s) and “yes” or “no” checkboxes and we’ve received about four or five BLANK ONES. People didn’t write anything on them at all. Hilariously frustrating.
I guess it’s probably mainly a question of personality, because I don’t mind at all. I always like the notes, but they’re like a special bonus when they’re there, and I don’t feel anything in particular if they’re not. My disappointment (or happiness!) that someone in particular won’t be coming isn’t really assuaged by a note anyway.
However, in the spirit of babychick’s response card confusion report, I did have one troubling response card. This card came back with two people declining, but no name. That’s not *that* unusual (though fortunately it’s our only one so far), but after studying the postmark, we concluded that it had to be from a member of the wedding party! After checking the postmark date and making a phone call, we found out that indeed it was. Fortunately this story has a happy ending, though, because it wasn’t the world’s strangest snub but some amazing and inexplicable response card user error.
I’ve always written a little note on RSVP’s… even if I’m attending. Usually something like… ‘can’t wait!’ or ’so wish I could be there!’. I do find it a bit odd when someone doesn’t explain… unless I have already heard from them that they won’t make it.
We put numbers on the back of the cards to correspond with guests… just in case. I’ve heard too many stories of people forgetting to write their names! We also added a line for number attending b/c so many people may or may not bring their children.
If I receive an RSVP with a YES/NO or ATTEND/WILL NOT ATTEND, and if I can’t make it, I will mark the appropriate choice and send it off. Why? Because the RSVP is not asking me to provide my thoughts on your wedding, rather, it’s asking if I am going to attend. Nothing more and nothing less. Now, if you said RSVP card had provided a line or two for a note to those who could not attend, then I would write something. May be a bit crass, but that’s the way I view it.
I agree with you, Miss Glitter! RSVP’s of course don’t require an explanation, but with something as intimate as a wedding, a little note wouldn’t hurt! The couple took the time to make the invitation and send it out. The least someone could do is write a little note, rather than just putting no. Once again, it’s not required, but it’s an etiquette thing. Sending out wedding invitations isn’t required either…..so why not just call people up or e-mail them and ask if they’re coming? hmmmmmm…..i wonder
I literally JUST had this same conversation. I will NEVER decline an invitation without a note. I can’t tell you how many kind people wrote just a sweet little note or included a little thank you card & gift…but the people that say nothing are just plain rude. I couldn’t ever do it and I wont…just know you aren’t alone!!!
Our RSVPs had two choices: “Joyfully accepts” and “Regretfully declines”. My very proper aunt sent hers back with their plural names - “Mr. and Mrs. Last Name” and then crossed out the “s” on accepts because it would have made it grammatically incorrect!!!! I thought that was going a bit far. Luckily I got one from my grandfather the same day and he drew a smiley face on his RSVP so that made up for it!
I think I have said this before, Glitter, but I believe we are twins separated @ birth, well except the one detail that I’m Irish. You write MY thoughts! I have been kind of hurt/miffed by people responding by just checking “regrets”. We didn’t leave a line to write anything, but there’s plenty of blank space. Many people HAVE written a reason why they can’t make it or even wishing us well whether they can come or not (the people I already considered thoughtful folk). It’s MOSTLY the rude-asses that just check “no.” (I should be wedding planning right now–my wedding is in June too!)
I think I’ve done this…
I never thought of it as rude before I was on the receiving end, LOL!
@eileen marie: Yay! I have an Irish twin! I’m glad to hear that you share my thoughts, especially with this RSVP situation. Good luck with your planning! Can you believe how close our weddings are?!? We’re almost there!
You know, I honestly never thought it was rude simply to include a “no”. On the rare occasion I’ve had to decline, I’ve talked to the couple ahead of time, and simply sent the card back as a formality. I never thought to write a note of apology or congratulations in there. I guess that’s one of those things you don’t think about until you’re attending a wedding. Keep in mind that many of those people will still be sending you gifts, so don’t take it too much to heart.
*Sorry, I meant it’s one of those things you don’t think about until you PLAN a wedding.
I think it’s one of those thing you can’t take too personally. I never would have thought it was rude until I started reading these blogs.
I honestly never thought about writing a note until this post! I’m sure I’ve been culprit of just checking the “no” box and sending it on it’s way.
I do agree though, RSVP cards are poorly designed.
@doctor_girl I really like the idea of “in person/ in spirit”! Much more fun, than the usual “can/cannot attend”!
I would assume that anyone I invited loved me in return, so I wouldn’t question their reasons for not being there…they obviously had previous plans or important ones. At this point, I would actually be pretty happy with it, esp. if they RSVPed way ahead of time so I could make more room for people on my guest list. I am already having to cut a lot of friends out because of budget/venue, so that would give me the opportunity to invite someone else who could actually be there.
I’s so glad you came out & said this. I’ve been feeling the exact same way! A little sad frowny face would be enough to know they are sad to miss it! I know several of my attendees have written smiley faces & I’m surprised at how much this little gesture makes my day!! I guess it just makes me aware that they are happy & excited for it too…
Oh my goodness. I’m still a long way off from even sending out my invitation and getting back the RSVP’s but if this happens to me, I will feel the exact same way!
We are now 8 days past our RSVP deadline and have a response rate of 72%. Seriously frustrating. And the biggest slackers are friends of my parents!
Also frutrating, we did not add “and guest” due to space issues to our single friends’ invitations, yet MANY have RSVPd for two. Aaaagh! NO you cannot bring a random to our wedding. My blood pressure just went up.
I am with Tea, who knew I was supposed to do anything other than check yes or no?! Now I know.
@La: “Also, if they’re older, they probably think the cards just go to your parents, and they don’t realize that people read them and keep them as mementos nowadays.”
I would think if they were older they might actually be more inclined to write a note since traditionally rsvp cards weren’t included and you were supposed to respond with a letter on your own stationary.
maybe you needed a line that said
____ Will Not Attend
Reason/Note: _______________________
signed Epstein’s Mother
I’ve never written a note on an RSVP - I’ve just checked the appropriate box and sent it on its way
Who knew I was upsetting brides from coast 2 coast in the process? I thought getting it in the mail the day after I received the invite made me a good invitee.
Yeesh.
We were more worried about being bored with our responses - ha! We have a good general idea of who is attending and who will send regrets from family conversations and the fact that it’s an out of town wedding, so we sent hotel and afterparty information out months ago.
We wanted a reason to get excited about receiving the response cards, so we went with Mad Lib style RSVPs, and they’ve been so fun to get back! Some people have themed theirs (my Sister/MOH wrote everything with a dessert theme and topped it off with “We love you more than a fat kid loves cake!”, and people who have written in the expected things “We will HAPPILY attend Mike and Karen’s LOVELY wedding…” and even people who filled them out true mad-lib style. It has been the highlight of our afternoons!
We’re thinking about displaying them at the reception, just to let others share in the enjoyment.
One of our favorites had the word “Advice” circled and just wrote SEX really big. So funny!
Feel free to send a PM if you want pics or the wording for these - we ended up making it up (Fiance designed/printed all the invites, I just approved, assembled and addressed!) because I had a hard time finding wording we liked online. Would be happy to share.
Amen, Miss G!! I felt the same way. Throw us a bone, people!
I don’t think it is rude/bad behavior/mean to not put a reply - although I will NOW! I am sure LOTS of people just don’t know what the ‘proper’ thing to do is.
I don’t think I’ve ever had to respond ‘no’ to an invite until just the other day my BF got an invitation for us. Unfortunately we can’t go, but I had a conversation in my head about how to reply - maybe it will make some people’s feelings a little less hurt:
-Do we just write ‘no’, or do we write a little note?
-Well, there’s not really any room for a note and it is a fancy invite/card, so they might not like to have their RSVP ruined.
-Yeah, but it would be nice to do something besides check ‘no’. That seems so short.
-But since there’s not room, maybe it is not polite/good etiquette, to write a note on the RSVP card or otherwise there would be a place to do so.
-Plus, when we send our gift and card, we’ll write a note to them then expressing our regrets…
-aghhh… what to do?!?!?!!?!
NOW, I know the answer!
So don’t get too upset about not receiving a note/explanation — your guests very well may have thought about it (and gone back and forth) and decided it wasn’t proper since there wasn’t room. I personally, wanted to write something, but until I saw this post, I had decided not to. So, THANKS!
Heeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllo pretty! just this am, i jotted down a note on my response card to a friend’s wedding i won’t be able to attend. things must be so hectic for you! since we’re practically neighbors, let me know if there’s anything i can do to help! favors, ceremony programs, etc. seriously! <3
At least you’ve had responses to your invitations! We’re having the wedding in my small hometown, where the locals seem a bit perplexed by the whole concept of a response card. Most weddings around here will send out an invite but it’s more of a formality. You always plan for like, 10% more guests, since most people will just show up if you know the couple getting married. We’ve had so many people blatantly ignore the response card and then act offended when I call to see if they are in fact coming or not. Apparently I should have KNOWN they would be attending! Sheesh! Silly me!
My mom recently missed an RSVP date & emailed the bride. Then she had to cancel last minute on the wedding. I was appalled. I replied with “Oh my gosh, you’re the people everyone on the hive talks about. You’re the type of wedding guests I fear….” lol
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Mrs. Glitter, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 27, Research Consultant/Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Accounting
Engagement Date: May 6, 2007
Wedding Date: June, 2009
Venue: Millenium Biltmore Hotel
About Me: I was born and raised in West Los Angeles, California. I spent eight years in the Northeast working and completing my education. Having split time between two sides of the country has given me a true appreciation for both coasts. It has also provided an overabundance of cross country drives, flights and long distance relationship fun/misery! I love my family, my doggy Emma, fabulous wine, Anthropologie, politics, reading, being outdoors, exploring new cities, and good movies! My fiance and I are complete opposites, but somehow we have managed to fall completely and hopelessly in love.
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