Weddingbee Blog

The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage
By: John Gottman

Well, I have the last recap for our first Weddingbee book club book. For those of you that haven’t read the book or any of the posts so far, you can catch up by reading Part I or Part II.

Chapter 8: Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

In this chapter, Gottman discusses how to resolve conflict in a loving relationship. There are 5 steps.

1. Soften Your Startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

Basically this principle comes down to giving your partner the same respect that you give others in your life. If you have the book, Gottman gives examples of exercises you can do to work on each of the steps.

Chapter 9: Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

The most common areas of marital conflict are: work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, and a new baby. Even in a happy marriage, these can still be hot buttons. Why? They are connected to some of marriage’s most important work, or as Gottman calls them, tasks. In every marriage there are emotional tasks that allow the marriage and relationship to deepen. This comes down to an understanding where each person can feel safe and secure. Below are the tasks associated with the hot spots and some advice Gottman gave. For the advice section, I would strongly recommend reading what the book has to say because there is just no way I can do the words justice in this recap.

Stress and More Stress
The Task: Making Your Marriage a Place of Peace

Bringing work stress and other stresses home can sabotage the marriage. On average, today’s couples work 1000 hours more each year than couples 30 years ago. By acknowledging the stress of the day and that you both may need individual time to wind down and decompress can save some of the tension. Also, know that situations may get overblown because one person is under significant stress. Even scheduling a venting session about a particularly high time of stress may help.

Relations with In-Laws
The Task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness”, or solidarity between husband and wife
There are lots of jokes about the in-laws, but when you look at research, the majority of the family tension is between the wife and her mother-in-law. As the two women spend time together, the differences become more obvious and at the core, there is essentially a turf battle. The guy ends up being the peacemaker, which makes the situation worse. Gottman says that the only way to solve this is for the husband to side with his wife, because it is essential for the “we-ness”, and his wife comes before his mother. This doesn’t mean that the husband should compromise who he is, but he should stand with his wife, and not in the middle. “He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle, and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.” Also, do not tolerate contempt from your parents towards your spouse. These roles can be reversed as well, and the same principles apply.

Money, Money, Money
The Task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents the security and trust it also symbolizes
Because money symbolizes emotional needs, it goes to the core of our individual value system and how we each deal with money. Clearheaded budgeting is important, especially in the beginning of a marriage. It’s important to work as a team and to clearly communicate each person’s concerns, needs and fantasies.

Sex
The Task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
Sex offers the potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection in couples. It’s difficult to communicate clearly about the topic and couples usually talk in vague ways about the topic. It’s important to learn how to talk about sex in a way that makes each person feel safe. Learn how to ask for what you want and the appropriate way to respond to your partner’s requests. “A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy, but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.”

Housework
The Task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork
In many situations, the husband does not understand why housework is such a big deal to the wife. They may have been raised in a more traditional household, and don’t know better. It can turn into a pattern where the husband does work and feels like he should be applauded, but then the wife demands more and he becomes defensive and does less. The basic idea to solve this? Everyone has to do housework.

Becoming Parents
The Task: Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children
Again, this is another chapter that cannot possibly be summed up in this brief recap. But here are some general suggestions that Gottman discusses: focus on your marital friendship, don’t exclude Dad from baby care, let Dad be the baby’s playmate, carve out time for the two of you, be sensitive to Dad’s needs, and give mom a break.

Chapter 10: Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

“The goal in solving gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.” What is gridlock’s cause? Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by the other person. These dreams may happen at different levels. For instance, gridlock over money issues may have the root dream and need for a deep sense of security.

Look at what the dreams are made from; often they started in childhood. No dreams are bad for marriage, but they can become a problem if they are ignored and not respected by your spouse. It may be an open conflict, or perhaps buried in some sort of unconscious symbolism. Helping each other realize one another’s dreams is one of the goals of a happy marriage. Goals can be tangible, like having a dream house or intangible, like wanting to feel safe. Uncovering the dream can help move you as a couple out of gridlock.

Steps to Overcome Gridlock:

1. Become a dream detective
2. Work on a gridlocked marital issue
3. Soothe each other
4. End the gridlock
5. Say thank-you

Be patient. Getting out of gridlock is a process, and will take time.

Chapter 11: Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Beyond the first 6 principles, there is something else that goes beyond just a stable and happy marriage. What is missing is creating shared meaning. A marriage can have “a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together––a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” Culture can be created with just 2 people. The more shared meaning you have as a couple, the more rewarding your relationship will be. Family rituals can help to create shared meaning. This may mean something special you do for the holidays, or having a regular outing together. Marriage will be deeper to the degree that each other’s expectations of one another are similar. Share your personal goals with each other and work together to achieve those goals.

The end!

What did you think of the book, overall? Which principle do you hope to specifically work on?

What’s your suggestion for the next book club book? I’m not sure who will lead the next book club, but does anyone have any relationship books they’ve been meaning to read?

Like in the previous posts, please feel free to join the discussions and start threads about the book on the book club board.