Wedding Blog
As the post-wedding days fly by, I realized it was about time to design, think of, write, address, stamp, and send thank you notes. Seem overwhelming? Even typing all of those steps out makes me start to sweat and panic, and I only have a fraction of the “normal” amount to send.
In the past, I’ve divulged my love for Dear Abby and Margo. No B.S. advice, handed down to you daily. I also love Annabel Manners—etiquette and advice for the preppy girl in me. While perusing her site (and justifying my LOVE and expense for a LWD - little white dress), I came across this service - “That’s Gratitude” - personalized, handwritten thank you notes. Done by someone else.
I have to admit, I can see how this service is appealing to some brides. The wedding is over. The excitement, anticipation and energy that propelled you through all-night DIY sessions is OVER. Also, it’s possible that YOU are over the wedding. Done. And the thought of writing out 200 thank you notes makes you want to grab a bottle of wine, hop under the covers, and curl into a ball. This service could be for you - I mean, no one would know (unless said note is sent to your parents/siblings/best friend/etc. In such cases, pull out a pen, people!).
I’ve received many different kinds of thank you notes over the years. Short and simple. Long and personalized. One of my best friends from college who had an incredible, 400 person wedding sent out a photo thank you - a picture of them on their wedding day with the same printed out thank you message to everyone. And I loved it (and would have done the same thing!). As a guest, it honestly does not matter to me what kind I receive. Yes, I gave the gift… but it really isn’t about that at all.
I know there will be a lot of varying opinions on this, and I welcome a healthy discussion. How do you feel? Would you honestly care if you found out your friend used a service like this to “write” her thank you notes?
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Share this post: Are All Thank Yous Created Equal?
i started doing personalized thank you’s, but like you said… i’m OVER it. solution: photo thank you’s with a generic note. easy!
I think we may break etiquette and send notes as we receive gifts. This way, we’re still into the wedding and the gift when the note goes out.
I really feel like it depends on the size of the wedding. It doesn’t really feel like much of an honour to be invited to a wedding of four hundred people anyway, so I probably wouldn’t care if I got a generic thank you note from that sort of wedding. That said, it would bother me if I got a generic message, or an out-sourced handwritten note, for a smaller wedding. Our wedding was just two weeks ago and I’m eager to write my thank yous. I really can’t express my gratitude enough to those whose presence made such a difference to us, and I find it quite surprising that other people see it as such as chore.
God, that’s awful. If you don’t want to write an individual thank you note to everyone that’s one thing, but don’t pay someone else to do it for you! (I don’t mean you Mrs Quiche, just the people that use that service).
Have I done my thank you cards yet? No (we’ve only been back one week). Do I find it a daunting task? Yes. But if I can’t take 5 minutes to say thank you to someone that took a whole day (and in some cases, weekend) to be with us at our wedding, then I guess I’m not that grateful after all!
[Maybe the name of the company is meant to be sarcastic - "THAT'S gratitude!"]
I agree … when you think of it as writing 100 thank you cards, it seems like a chore. When you think of it as “I must thank xxxx for coming all that way and not leaving the dance floor all night, despite being 3 months pregnant” then it doesn’t seem as bad!
Just take them one at a time people!
Considering how long it took me to finish mine, I would consider using that service & if someone else did, more kudos to them!
We had our thank you cards printed on etsy from the same creator as our invites. Simply says thank you on the front and the inside has a short blurb… granted I’ll probably personalize these a little by specifically mentioning the gift, but this DEFINITELY made the task easier…
I don’t really think it’s that bad. Besides, out of all of your guests who knows your handwriting well enough to notice? I get why some people don’t like it, and I know I’ll hand write my thank-yous, but this is definitely not something to get worked up over.
In all honesty, I only get offended by thank you notes if I dont get one. I couldn’t care less if its personalized, computerize, or written by somebody else-ized.
Our generation is different. We’re caring less and less about hand addressed envelopes, personalized thank yous, even considering electronic invites and STDs. Times change
A Thank you is a Thank you and you know that they took time out of their day (regardless of how much or how little) to thank you for being a part of their day. I don’t need a huge sense of satisfaction or a pat on the back for going to a friends wedding and celebrating with them and showing a token of my happiness for them. Any little thing is fine by me. I dont think it has anything to do with being un-grateful, Im just looking at it purely from the receiver’s POV. Now for mine, I will likely personalize SOME (I know FMIL and some family would be offended bc they are very old school) but the rest are getting a photo with the “Thank You” Parasol and a note.
Sorry if that sounded like a rant, didnt mean for it to 
If someone takes the time to buy and wrap a gift and enclose their own wishes for you, then you are obligated to send them a meaningful and personalized thank you note. Period.
I am still 3 months from my big day so I am still in the mind set that I would like to create and send thank yous. My idea at the moment is to create a thank you postcard for the obvious, less postage! I am hoping to create a postcard with our picture from the wedding day and see what happens!?
Honestly I am one of those people who does get a bit offended if the person doesn’t personalize a thank you in some way. Even if it’s a little as signing your and your husband’s names it makes it better, come one, you can sign your name! I don’t like the lazy thank yous!
I agree withy Jessie, 100%.
I agree with Jessie.
It is absolutely offensive to fail to send a written thank you note. It doesn’t have to be long, or even on fancy, wedding-related paper. It cannot, however, be pre-printed or outsourced to anyone except the groom. (And, yes, people beyond your immediate family do know what your handwriting looks like, presuming you send out holiday/birthday cards and sign them! Imposters will definitely be detected.)
Also, Miss Joey, you’re not being unmannerly–invitations are supposed to go out pronto. Good for you!
I think that outsourcing your thank you notes is really not very thankful.
That is hilarious!
Well I guess if you have a ton of people coming to your wedding and you get a ton of gifts, I can see where this makes sense. (I would probably hold a big thank you note card gathering at my house and have some one read off the list of gifts… someone assigned to sealing the envelope and place the stamp on it if I really needed the help for a HUGE wedding…) But personally, I would prefer to send the thank you notes myself.
It’s just about taking the time/effort to do it.
We have been getting gifts slowly trickle in. I tried to send the thank you notes out as soon as I got the gift… and I have just asked the FH to “autograph” the card. ;o) Then again, we are only having about 65 people attending our wedding… it’s a bit more manageable.
We did the photo of us on the wedding day holding “thank you” signs. When we got them printed we did half as postcards and half as note cards. This let us personalize for those we are closer to and send shorter notes for the others. Everyone loved getting our thank you notes and we see note cards and postcards alike posted on everyone’s fridge when we visit.
I should clarify to say that I don’t think that sending a thank you note that has a generic message is unthankful (as some have described) but these tricky services that use handwriting and you pass off as your own work… I think that is super shady.
@Jessie: a lot of people aren’t taking the time to wrap the gift. Most of the purchases of our gifts were directly sent to us from the store i.e. Macy’s or Crate and Barrel… all the guest had to do was click and enter their credit card info. I know what you mean… but people choose to take the path of least resistance i order to show SOME thoughtfulness by sending/receiving something. At least anything is being exchanged. I don’t share the mentality of buying thank you notes filled by someone else… But I know of people who would choose to do the service because life is hectic for them, and it is either something or nothing in their mind.
i don’t understand why some people are so against generic/computerized thank you’s. if you had over 300 guests, that’s a lot to write… even if you do split it with your husband. some one personalized their card for you… fine. that’s one card. but having to write over 300 thank you’s?? wow. i can’t even imagine. i guess if you had a small wedding, then personalized thank you’s wouldn’t be so hard. oh well… depends on the person i guess. personally, any thank you would be okay with me.
@kim0309: I really like your idea about having some thank you’s as postcards and others as note cards! Good Idea!
I wouldn’t care one way or the other, but I do think its a great gesture to do them yourself. I just finished ours over the weekend (mailing them today…yippy!) and it was one of the last “to-do’s” for me (now I just have to legally change my name).
I was cleaing teh other day and unearthed a few thak You Notes I never sent out. Gasp! It’s just been four months so i am not the worst gift recipient ever, but I feel awful!
I actually found myself taking pride in my individual thank you notes and making sure each were special. NERD! We were lucky that we received several gifts before the wedding, so we were able to send thank yous as soon as we got presents. The last round of thak you notes can be a daunting task!
@Sparkles: It’s not just about the wrapping, or even the amount of time that the person spent to buy the gift though. You could look at it from the perspective that wedding gifts, while expected, are still gifts and aren’t required of your guests. Even with just ordering something online, they are still spending money on something for you. A thank you card can cost 44 cents in postage and a maybe 50 cents for the card, but the message is the meaningful part.
With my showers and all the wedding gifts, I probably sent 300+ thank you notes over the period of 5 months. Yes, it takes time, but it’s definitely worth the effort. And it helps you keep people as friends.
As my mother always told me, if you don’t write a thank you note, you don’t get a gift next time. If a person goes to the time and expense of buying you a gift, the least you can do is take five minutes to write a thank you note. It’s really sad how people just don’t care about basic etiquette anymore…
@Sparkles: Interesting point about how registries have sucked all of the spontaneity and perhaps even some of the generosity out of gift-giving, but the fact that guests chose to send a gift off the registry isn’t really any excuse for rudeness on the part of the recipients. I mean, guests are sort of stuck–they go “off-registry” and get maligned (usually not to their face, but check out some of the other posts about registries around here…), or they buy something from the registry and get no thanks (and for a gift that the recipient said they wanted!).
Totally unrelated, but I meant “impostors” before.
I think the thank you should be personalized. It’s one of the few things I’m an etiquette snob about. Especially now when people spend a lot more money than just the gift when they come from out of town. These days, you don’t have to wait till after the wedding to send thank yous. With registries people begin to mail gifts to your home way before. So start them as soon as you can. And really all you need is some good TV and you can knock out 20 at a time.
All this considered, I’d rather get a thank you from a service than no thank you at all which I think is totally rude. I just sent a 2 year anniversary card to a couple that never sent out thank yous. One of three weddings that I attended that year. All of which did the same.
I was just comparing… how if a person purchased a gift on-line and sent it without ever really wrapping it… how is that different than the recipient hiring a service to send a ‘thank you’ note on your behalf for the gift? Both parties are using a service, both parties are exchanging something at least…
But again- I personally would send a personalized thank you note. (which we have been doing).
I try not to be so formalistic or take things personally. But I do think it is really tacky and un-thankful to 1) not send out thank yous or 2) “out source” thanks yous or 3) send out a random generic thank you. That said, as I’ve been planning the wedding and realizing just how much everything costs AND being reminded by everyone around me that people come and give gifts out of love and not greed I think it partly depends on who you are. Would I be offended by an outsourced or generic thank you? Probably not. But I would feel a little unappreciated and disappointed because I spend so much time, energy, and usually money on the gifts I give.
I personally love writing letters and expressing gratitude to people and don’t think it is much of a chore. But if nothing else, I think you should do something thoughtful and personal for the people who you know made an extra effort for you and your man.
Also, as for registries: I think if the couple wants personalized, thoughtful gifts then they don’t make a registry. I think most couples create registries so that they get things they really want. If you think about it, registries sort of support a narcissistic viewpoint about receiving gifts. That said, I love registries and would not be offended by getting a gift off of mine. AND, I think people can be thoughtful even when they’re giving a gift off a registry.
Just my opinion though.
I would personally be offended if I found out that a thank you note I had received was written be someone other than the couple or pre-printed. After taking the time to select a gift and attend the wedding, I feel like it is the least the bride and groom can do to take a week or so to devote to handwriting personal thank you notes. For myself personally, we have people flying in from over 1000 miles away for this wedding, as well as people in town who are having to completely rearrange work schedules, purchase new outfits, and other time consuming tasks that I truly appreciate in order to attend our wedding.
If a bride (or the groom) fails to hand write a personal thank you, I would assume that they felt a gift was expected instead of appreciated. Even if given the gift of money, you can detail how you plan to spend (or save) it.
This is your way to personally express your gratitude for your guests participating in your day. If you’re too busy to complete the task, recruit the groom.
If the number of thank yous are overwhelming, break them down into smaller more manageable chunks. Such as planning to write out 15-20 per night for a week and seeing how quickly your pile of completed thank yous actually pile up
Good Luck!
Interesting opinions, everyone! I love the discussion.
I am writing out all of our thank you notes, I was just intrigued by this company for some reason. Honestly, we don’t have that many…so it won’t take me long at all
& yes - some sort of thank you note should be sent out. It is unacceptable to not send anything (in my opinion!).
p.s. I also LOVE writing letters, so that could be why I don’t mind doing these at all! 
I’d raher receive a generic photo card than a thank you someone was paid to write - unless of course I’d had my personal shopper go out and buy the gift, and my personal assistant actually attend the wedding in my place.
If you don’t want to write 400 thank you’s, or at least sign your name to a generic photo card - don’t invite 400 guests (I do know it’s never that simple though, but that’s my general feeling!).
Although I totally see the appeal in outsourcing thank you notes (really, I do!) as a gift-giver, even just a personal email saying that the recipient enjoyed their gift and wanted to express thanks is appreciated. I think the thing is to get something personal from the recipient, that the gift was received and appreciated! I’d rather get a preprinted thank you note from the couple than an elaborate one put together by a stranger! Then again, sending hundreds of thank you notes IS quite a chore, requiring at LEAST two bottles of wine.
I would personally be riddled with guilt if I did something like this, BUT, I really wouldn’t care if I received a thank you like this, or an impersonal thank you, for that matter… but I actually think an impersonal generic note would probably be better than a professionally written one passed off as a personal letter. I think it’s the deception that’s a little fishy, not the lack of effort. (But, again, personally it wouldn’t bother me either way.)
Wouldn’t care at all. Honestly, I don’t even care if I get a thank you card at all. I probably wouldn’t even notice!
My mom was big on writing thank you notes when I was growing up. My sibs and I wrote them for every gift we received - Christmas, birthday, etc. So, I think of it as the natural next step to write personal thank yous to our guests. To each, his/her own, but I am definitely handwriting our thank you notes. I actually look forward to it! And I don’t think guest size really has anything to do with it - we will have 230 people. Great topic, Mrs. Q!
I guess I wouldn’t care either if the thank you’s were computer generated or not. I mean you didn’t personalize each invite, meaning you didn’t hand write each invite to each person right? I think a thank card is a nice touch, I don’t think people will care if you wrote it yourself.
Just “mine” opinion!!
@Mrs Penguin, “I would personally be riddled with guilt if I did something like this….(But, again, personally it wouldn’t bother me either way.)”
Makes sense . . lol
oh man - it is so necessary to write a personalized card! You want people to know how thankful you are for their generosity. The least a person can do is take a couple minutes to write out a simple thank you note. Yes — even if a ton of notes are involved!
Tempting, but we’ll we writing them all out There is something special about getting a personalized thank you.
Outsourcing your thank you notes is definitely TACKY… if you invite 500 guests and need to write 250 notes then write the notes and don’t complain… Having a gift wrapped and shipped is still personal. Most people still go to the store to choose the gift that they like and think that you’ll enjoy. They don’t really have to buy you a gift…and they have taken the time to buy you something that you will be able to use for a lifetime! Writing a quick note is the least you can do to say thanks!
I think there’s something special about a personalized thank you note- I could never have someone else write my thank you notes. I do know people who would benefit from the service though- I am still waiting for thank you notes from weddings I attended over a year and two ago!
Miss Glitter, I was also raised to write thank you notes. I especially love receiving TY notes from children. It makes me so happy to know that some mothers are still encouraging this. I suppose it makes me feel less old-fashioned for thinking a good thank you is so important. I like making sure people know that I appreciate them. Honestly, a nice phone call or email will suffice if one really finds the idea of writing so daunting. Gifts should not be considered an expectation, but a generous offering, especially in times like these. I think the least we can do is take a few minutes to write a note to acknowledge this.
I agree that if a bride doesn’t want to bother thanking people who took time to celebrate with her and give a gift, then perhaps she should not have a large wedding.
I don’t think it’s bad at all. I barely have the time to plan this wedding as it is. I think a lot of the heart felt thank you’s are done in person at the wedding anyways. And if you’re compelled to write something personal for some reason, you’ll probably end up doing it anyways, even on a generic TY card with photo.
I love the idea of using a fun photo from the wedding and incorporating it into the TY card. It’s like a mini-keepsake for the guests! I tote around my Emily Post book, and I know she says to make them personal, but I really think it’s up to you and how your family will react. I think any thank you is better than no thank (and I have not received a few before).
No way, I would give the girl props! I would feel a little irked if it was a BEST FRIEND - use the service, but not on your best friends or IMMEDIATE family…
I am suprised to see the number of people who think someone else writing your thank-you notes isn’t such a bad thing. I thought I’d be heavily in the minority!
I don’t know if this counts but for my brother and SIL I wrote their thank you cards for them- I was still in college at the time and they were both busy working full time and in the process of moving. Most people read the cards and throw them away- I don’t see why it would be a problem. They appreciated the gift enough to want to send a thank you
I forgot to mention- their wedding had over 350 guests, so it wasnt just a few thank you cards they had to write
i spent painstaking hours on my 40 shower thank you notes and plan to do the same for my wedding gifts. Yes, it’s a totally daunting task, but I think with all the trouble your guests are going through to attend your wedding a buy you a gift, it’s a necessary personal touch to say “thank you” in your own words, not someone else’s
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Mrs. Quiche, Chicago/Montego Bay
Age and Occupation: 28, Interior Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 42, Telecom Guru
Engagement Date: July 2, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Venue: Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
About Me: I love Chicago and can’t imagine living anywhere else (Well, except Paris. Or anywhere in France, for that matter!). I’m a full-time worker, part-time student, soon-to-be-step-mom, indie music lovin’, architecture and design fanatic, macaroni and cheese addict, vegetarian, Francophile, Ohio State football obsessed, wedding planning girl. Mr. Quiche and I are “Partners-in-Crime” and cannot wait to celebrate our marriage surrounded by our family and closest friends. I plan on DIYing my little heart out (or as much as a suitcase to Jamaica will hold).
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