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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer Engagement Date: July 31, 2008 Wedding Date: May, 2009 Blogging Since: October 16, 2008 Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
About Mrs. Cheese

Yes, I Have a Few Regrets

June 4th, 2009 @ 2:00 pm by Mrs. Cheese

Here I am again with one of those untouchable wedding topics: regrets. I get it, really I do. You don’t want to “shake the glitter off” (as was commented on my last post) and you don’t want to pay any attention to things you can’t rectify or get right the next time (because as of right now, I am never. going. through. that. again. Ever).

On the other hand, I’ve yet to meet a newly-minted wife (just-graduated bride? What do we call ourselves now?) that doesn’t have regrets. Like doubts, regrets are one of those shared experiences that we never share. So I will share them, as they occur to me, more to scare them away with the light of honesty than anything else.

  • I wish I had done more of the little touches ahead of time. By the time our wedding weekend rolled around, we were in full prioritization-by-fire mode, so little things got rushed. I wrote thank you notes to my bridesmaids while getting my hair done. I printed goofy little matchbook cards (”Come on baby, Light my fire”) and tags for the potted geraniums (”Take me home tonight/ I don’t want to let you go til you see the light/ Love, geranium”) at 2 AM0. I handed over token gifts without wrapping them. It seemed like a small thing beforehand – nobody’s going to love me less because I didn’t wrap their gifts – but overwhelmed with gratitude for the people who showed up early and stayed late, cleaned the bathroom and picked up any stray dog poos, I fervently wished that I’d put as much love into thanking them as they did into helping me.
  • I wish I’d done more little quirky funny things. The crossword puzzles were a hit — well, for the people who found them in a stack by the snacks table — and I wish I’d done more of that. An e-pic guest book would have been great. I didn’t do it, thinking everyone had seen the pics by now, but HELLO they haven’t been living the All Wedding All the Time channel like we have, so having the pictures printed would have been great. And thoughtful. For our guests, our wedding was another glimpse into our lives and personalities, an attempt to get to know us just a little bit better by joining us in celebration. With that perspective, I would have felt less narcissistic doing out of town bags with our favorite snacks, or salsa favors.
  • I wish I hadn’t been so uncomfortable directing people at our rehearsal. Oh, how I hated to tell people what to do and where to go, so in the end, I waffled and got super duper stressed. Which led to…
  • I wish I hadn’t snapped at my mom. More than once. I have called and apologized, because it was unwarranted, unbecoming, and unfair, but with so many people lobbing ideas at me about things they didn’t have opinions on when I asked just days earlier, I didn’t react very graciously.
  • Speaking of grace… I wish I hadn’t taken all of the help so personally, especially at first. The day before our wedding was the highest point on the stress map for me. People all over my house, cleaning and picking up and doing all of the things that we hadn’t gotten to sucked. I mean, it was awesome, but I felt like such a slacker slob jerk for asking my friends to do all of this. Because I was so stressed, everyone was worried about me, which made it all even worse. I had a late night chat with my MOH and soon-to-be-hubby, and it was agreed that on our wedding day, I would hide out in my bedroom with drink in hand rather than trying to get things done. Everyone was happier, it turned out.
  • I wish I’d understood — before I walked into the clearing full of people who had chosen to be with us — that their help was a blessing, freely and happily given, not a judgment on my slobbiness or planning and execution. In exchange, all they were looking for was our happiness. THAT was my responsibility, not the delegating of tasks. Being happy. Nobody wanted another thank you or grimace of embarrassment. They just wanted to know that they made our day a little bit happier. Thank goodness I’d figured that out by the time our actual wedding day rolled around.

I’m lucky. None of my regrets involve my husband. His vows were perfect, mine were heartfelt, and I was careful to be grateful and appreciative of him. That day was a bubble day, a day in which he and I existed in a happy bubble and the outside world was just that – outside.

We didn’t have any real drama, and though we forgot to allow our parents to do toasts (and also, the ice cream bar, so we now have a ton of fattening ice cream in the freezer just calling our names) and I DIDN’T REMEMBER TO GO INSIDE AND PUT ON ONE OF THE SEVEN GORGEOUS BOLEROS MY MOM MADE FOR ME (what an idiot!), my regrets are that I didn’t understand the depth of love and appreciation I would feel, and thus was unprepared to give it back to the extent that I wanted. I do believe that our peeps felt loved and appreciated by us, though.

I also have the opportunity to thank people now (more on that later), plus a chance to do those little lovey touches for our hometown reception over the Fourth of July. I’m thinking homemade biscochos (wedding cookies, a la my late grandmother’s recipe) and potted geraniums in memory of both of my grandmothers, with the fully completed slideshow of our family pictures and wedding ceremony scrapbook should just about do the trick. What do you think? (And whew, I feel better. If you’re already married and want to share a regret or two, please do. You’ll feel better afterward.)

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29 Responses to “Yes, I Have a Few Regrets”

1 2 

1.
IA_Snowflake
Member
IA_Snowflake (message)  1,913 posts, Buzzing bee

Thanks for being so honest. Plus confessions make you feel better, so instead of keeping it all bottled up, you have it all cleansed out of your system now.

 
2.
tessabella76
Hostess
tessabella76 (message)  3,122 posts, Sugar bee

Thanks for this. Hopefully those of us who aren’t married yet will a) know that it’s ok to have some regrets and b) maybe learn from what you did or did not do to cause those regrets.

 
3.
chelseamorning
Hostess
chelseamorning (message)  2,252 posts, Buzzing bee

I was just trying to explain my regrets to a newly engaged friend the other day. I put it as, I don’t regret things so much as I wish I could have had a hundred different weddings. I loved my dress, but I wish I had gotten a different one. I loved getting married in a church, but I wish I had also gotten to have a garden or beach wedding. I had a small weddding, which is what we wanted, but I wish we had invited more people. I love my engagement ring but I also want a different one. I want my day exactly as it was (complete with full hysterical meltdown while getting my makeup done and nauseated husband on my wedding night) and I also want a completely different day, but just as wonderful.
I identified with driving the regrets away with the light of truth. Because I’m not sure that my regrets are regrets, per se… But the more I admit them, whatever they are, the better I feel, so there’s that.

 
4.
Bee Icon
Bee
Mrs. Cheese (message)  801 posts, Busy bee

@chelseamorning: I feel ya. It sounds to me that you’re more wistful than regretful. I wish I could have done MORE, but I don’t wish I’d done anything differently, which is comforting to me.

 
5.
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Member
kim0309 (message)  115 posts, Blushing bee

My one and only regret, trying to make everyone else happy. I wish I had been a bit more selfish at my wedding. By saying that I mean, I spent more time away from my husband than I wanted. I felt obligated to go spend a few moments with everyone NOT on the dance floor. I wish I had just stuck next to my man ALL NIGHT and people could have come to me!

 
6.
Guest Icon
Guest
Linzerella

Love this post … here’s my dumping of regrets:

- Wish I’d listened to my heard and not my mom, and had our reception at a restaurant, not having the traditional dinner/dance. I just wanted to hang out with our guests, and dancing didn’t need to be part of that.

- Wish I’d looked more for a different dress; I’d settled on mine, and while it was lovely, I now feel like I didn’t look enough for something that was out of the ordinary

- Wish we had seen each other before the ceremony for photos. I was totally of an opposite mind before the wedding, but wish we’d seen each other before the ceremony to kiss, hug, have a drink and just spend a few moments together on such an important day

- Wish I’d allowed myself to have a private moment with my family before the ceremony. I was so intent on not getting super emotional that I think I missed out on a great moment

- Wish I hadn’t packed so much into the day before the wedding. While it was great to do everything we did - rehearsal, ladies’ high tea - move into a different hotel for the night, take our guest on a boat cruise, rehearsal dinner - I was so exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of it. I wish I’d had a little more downtime with our guests.

- Having an open bar - we should totally have done just beer and wine. End of story.

- Hired a real coordinator, not a student. While she was fine and fit my budget, she wasn’t up to my exacting standards of insanity … so I was disappointed with her. Plus she made things like our reception location closing down early MY problem, when she should have handled it.

- Not done a bouquet/garter toss. So tacky. So cheesy. And I’m not even that crazy about it.

- Not yelled at my husband to “go find my bouquet” when I left it somewhere. I have apologized about 1000 times since our October wedding, and he doesn’t even remember it … but I always will.

Overall, our wedding was amazing and wonderful - especially the days leading up to it. But I’m happy there’s a place like WeddingBee to share thoughts like this … thank you, Mrs. Cheese!

 
7.
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Member
LibraryBride (message)  19 posts, Newbee

I regret choosing my cousin to be my MOH. She didn’t want to do it, is one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met and clearly spent 5 minutes writing her speech on her blackberry - and she proceeded to read it from her blackberry at our reception. I shouldn’t have been shortsighted and just picked my best friend, even if she didn’t pick me for her MOH.

 
8.
Guest Icon
Guest
Caroline

Well, I’m sorry you have many regrets, however, they seem to be very small ones and haven’t hurt your relationship with your husband, so that’s wonderful! Congratulations! A July 4th wrap-up of all the pictures is a great idea!

 
9.
Bee Icon
Bee
Mrs. Pinot Noir (message)  799 posts, Busy bee

I wish I had let my bridesmaids where their own black dresses that they were most comfortable in - instead of asking them to buy a dress that they will never wear again. The matching didn’t matter and I don’t think anyone who have noticed either way.

 
10.
jmc
Member
jmc (message)  882 posts, Busy bee

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to thank people! I bet they DIDN’T care if things were wrapped nicely (as you said) but I bet everyone would love to hear once more: thank you, you helped so much to make the day special and wonderful and happy. That kind of expression doesn’t expire when the day is over.

F the glitter man, just be for real.

 
11.
hbowar
Member
hbowar (message)  547 posts, Busy bee

Thanks for writing this and I plan to do the same. I don’t think I really have regrets, but not sure what else to call them! The day was beautiful, but I am so glad its over. I think I was so ready for it to be over that I missed out on some of the emotional elements…who knows though! Maybe I was just prepared!

 
12.
Guest Icon
Guest
Michelle

I wish I had asked my photographer to follow us around at the cocktail hour to get photos of us with guests. I wish I had more photos of our guests.

 
13.
chicagowife
Member
chicagowife (message)  844 posts, Busy bee

Thanks for your post Mrs. Cheese!

 
14.
leenmachine
Member
leenmachine (message)  262 posts, Helper bee

Your regret about the little, quirky, and personal touches really hit home with me. With less than 4 months left and so much left to do, I was really questioning the personal touches I had in mind. I still have time, but do I REALLY have time? You’re right though (!!!) - that day is a glimpse and a reflection of how we are as a couple and guests who are there with us should know us personally. Besides, how many days in our lifetime will it be all about us!?!?

Thanks for this, MRS. Cheese! :) I continue to love your posts and look forward to them!

 
15.
Bee Icon
Bee
Mrs. Cheese (message)  801 posts, Busy bee

@leenmachine: I had a feeling it would hit home with someone. I was just hoping that some poor exhausted super-DIY’er wouldn’t think this was a good reason to do even MORE. Remember, I did very little that wasn’t absolutely necessary, so it was particularly poignant for me. :)

 
16.
blushingaudrey
Member
blushingaudrey (message)  196 posts, Blushing bee

I think all of my regrets came down to two things — i wish I communicated better with people, and I wish I had prepared more in advance. The communication issues meant I wasn’t delighted with my cake or the setup of the reception, and that both my mothers had issues with the photos. The advance prep issues meant I was up until 1am the night before the wedding doing things (and had to get up at 7!), and that I was almost late to the ceremony! All in all, it was a beautiful day, but these regrets STILL bug me somewhat!

 
17.
Guest Icon
Guest
phruphru

I hear ya on the small details. The morning of the wedding, I was wrapping the flower girl presents. Why oh why didn’t I wrap those the weekend before, when I bought them? Such a small thing, but something that could have given me a few extra moments of calm on the wedding morning.

 
18.
Member Icon
Member
West Coast Bride (message)  708 posts, Busy bee

I wish I had been in more of a “bubble” with my husband. The moments we got to share privately (mostly while getting our photos taken just the two of us) were sweet and memorable, and there just weren’t enough of them. When we got back to the B and B where we stayed with our wedding party, I ran upstairs, took off my dress, threw on my swimsuit and hopped in the giant patio hot tub with our friends. I wish I had waited for my husband to come out of the bathroom, because I later found alone in the jacuzzi in our room waiting for me. I wish we had left our friends to their own devices and I’d just stayed up there with him the whole time.

 
19.
Guest Icon
Guest
heatherk7

Wow - thank you so much for writing this. I printed it out to read regularly during this process and especially for the 3 days leading up to our wedding. I can totally see myself in this post and you writing about it will hopefully allow me to be more gracious and accepting of help as well.

Also, I’m just past the 100 day mark and reading some of the other member’s regrets is helping me to remember to keep my vision and ideas sacred - it’s so easy to be coerced into following the norm or other people’s wishes.

Thank you again Mrs. Cheese - your posts are my favorite!!

 
20.
mrspaetz
Member
mrspaetz (message)  3,805 posts, Honey bee

you forgot the ice cream?!!? let me help :D

 
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Mrs. Cheese
Mrs. Cheese

Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer Engagement Date: July 31, 2008 Wedding Date: May, 2009 Blogging Since: October 16, 2008 Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.

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