Wedding Blog
I remember when Mr. Peng and I first moved in together. It was a couple years before we got engaged, and I had fresh thoughts in my mind about being the perfect “housewife”. I worked a normal schedule, but when I was able to come home, I cooked, I cleaned, I made a point to play a good female role in the home. (You just vomited, I’m sorry.) I’d grown up embracing traditional gender roles. My mom was a housewife, and my dad the breadwinner. Even though I worked, I still thought it was appropriate for me to do the lady things and for Mr. Peng to be a dude. Quitting work was never something I wanted to do, as I enjoy my financial freedom. But I still thought it was appropriate for me to do the chick things, and for him take care of the technical and manly aspects of our relationship.
The years rolled on, and let me tell you, this chick stuff is exhausting. The novelty of it all wore off quite some time ago. I find very little joy in coming home after a long week and asking my husband to lift up his feet while I vacuum the rug under him. So, I just do all of it much, much less than I used to. Plus, living in a condo, there isn’t exactly a ton of manly stuff that needs to get done around here. No lawn to mow, no holes to be dug, no big random things that need to be hauled around. We don’t even have to drag our trash out to the street; someone does it for us. So, naturally, some of the chick jobs should be passed onto my husband, right?
Family sitcoms throughout the ages have joked about how attentive and “useful” women are before they get married, and how it quickly falls apart once marriage enters the picture. My unsuspecting husband has fallen victim to this same comedic phenomenon.
I’ve become that wife that no longer constantly fulfills my womanly duties. I’m THAT wife that, (as a recent example) when asked if I can iron my husband’s shirt, laughs wordlessly at him as I rush to get done whatever it is that I need to be doing. While not only is it incredibly mean to laugh at your husband, it is worse because there was a time that I would have eagerly snapped up his shirt and ironed it to perfection. Now I think, ‘If you want that crap ironed, you should save your pennies and buy a steam dryer.’
I constantly kick myself for ever establishing a “housewife” role as a working woman. Somewhere along the line, I realized that if I’m going to pay half the bills, then we should be splitting the housework evenly, shouldn’t we? Em derrrr…
I went to a wedding a couple months ago where I roomed with Mr. Peng’s friend and his girlfriend who just moved in with each other. I saw him hand her not only HIS shirt for the night, but his friend’s shirt as well, and, just as I would have years ago, she eagerly snapped them up and lovingly ironed them to perfection while I sat on the bed and rolled my eyes. I only hope that she one day actually becomes a housewife, and not a working wife, or she too will probably one day betray her future husband and laugh at him when he hands her a shirt to iron.
What about you? Have you always strived for a relationship free of gender roles, or like me, did you envision yourself to be a traditional housewife (even if you have a career)? Have your responsibilities to each other and your home shifted as your relationship has progressed?
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Thank you! You’ve just made my Monday morning. 
And to answer your question, yes I no longer iron his shirts…or even remember to clean the tub sometimes.
Haha. We are exacty the opposite. My poor fiance has been the “house husband” and is constantly cleaning up after me! I’m dreading the day he realizes he doesn’t have to do this anymore. Hehe.
I still envision a pretty traditional home….though with my fiance in grad school (and home a lot) and me working full time, he offered to pick up some of the household chores to lighten my load, like cooking and doing dishes.
It will take some getting used to as both of us have lived at home, and there will be chores to be done that we aren’t used to!
I will remember this post a year from now when I’m tired of the wifely duties
I’m sure the novelty wears off, but it’s still something I really want to commit to doing!
I’m a lot like you. I fully intended to be working woman/perfect housewife. And it was really working out great until I had to get a job that at least doubled my commute. We went through a rough transition period around that time - why would he all of the sudden start cleaning when I had always done it all along? We’ve worked it out, mostly, though. I think it’s a life-long struggle.
I was the same way the first couple of months we lived together and then I snapped and told him it wasn’t fair I was bringing in most of the money (at that time) and doing all of the chores. We split the duties now though I take more on at certain times of the year when his teaching schedule is insane.
My Mom worked full-time and did EVERYTHING. I thought that was the way it was suppose to be.
Ha! We both cook and clean — sometimes the mister WAY more than me — so traditional gender roles don’t really exist for the Bruschettas. Funny, though, how you guffawed at Mr. Penguin’s shirt-ironing question.
I’m the saaaame way. I grew up with traditional roles, and I’m still to the point of embracing them even though we are BOTH full time students and full time employees, and we’re both very busy and tired at the end of the day. There I am, doing the dishes, cleaning, cooking, tidying… even though i have a perfectly useful male counterpart. Often I don’t ask for help because I’m thinking “He deserves to relax.” (but don’t I? lol.) He doesn’t make me do these things; he frequently offers his help. Perhaps I should be better about accepting it before he stops offering.
LOVE THIS POST!
My FI grew up with a stay at home, enablizing mother. He never ever ever EVER had to pick up after himself, or cook, or make decisions. When we moved in together it took a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE adjustment for both of us. I became less independent, and he learned how to dust and vacuum and microwave. In the end, it all worked out, but now and then I have to remind him of our equal share in chores, even if his mom would show up in a heart beat to “snap up those shirts” if invited to…
From the beginning I established a house whre he had to equally help out. In the beginning he ALWAYS cooked dinner, now that’s sort of shifted and we either split the duty or I take some nights, but that’s fine with me.
Because of the hours I work, FI picks up tons of slack. He and I have learned how to cook together. (Isn’t it so much more fun to do it together?) He does the laundry. I clean the bathroom. It’s very mundane and simple, but it works for us.
I did and folded his laundry once while he was playing video games. I quickly decided that wasn’t going to happen anymore!
I’ve never envisioned myself taking over the home-maker role, especially since I, too, highly value maintaining my own career. That said, I love to cook & bake. Almost too much. This weekend alone, I made 2 loaves of bread, a wedding cake trial (success!), and bagels. (I was able to borrow my neighbor’s stand mixer :-D)
I can definitely feel the urge to be more domestic, but it’s a funny urge. It says Mr. BC does the cleaning, I’ll do the cooking. Mr. BC plans how we’ll build our house, I plan how I’ll artistically paint/decorate/embellish the outside all hippie mother earth like.
estrogen is weird.
My fiance and I end up splitting the housework… and he sometimes takes on more than his fair share. During the summers, it’s easier because we’re both just working full time. But once the school year starts, I’m in law school and working part time so it’s hard for me to help out at home when I’m barely holding everything else together. He’s been a blessing, really. And once I’m done with school, I’ll owe him for all those meals he’s cooked, dishes he’s cleaned, and his patience with me over this crazy soon-to-be 3 year process. In the future, I would definitely say we should split the housework considering we’ll (hopefully) both be working full-time.
Ha! We are so opposite - Mr. S does all of the cleaning, a lot of the cooking, more than his share of laundry, etc. It may be unique, but it works out well…I think my bigger struggle is not just letting him do these things, but making more of an effort to help out…I mean, when you have someone who willingly scrubs the toilet, it’s hard to offer yourself up for the chore!
LOL you just made me giggle this morning because you so perfectly describe me and my FH. We’ve been living together for 2 years now and I’m over thoe whole “housewife” thing…although he does clean more than I do so I have to be thankful 
Oh man I thought I was going to be fine doing all the cooking. Then I realized wait a minute, I work all day too, I come home, cook and then clean all while he’s in his man cave playing games. SAY WHAT?! Yeah…that has changed
This will be my second marriage. In my first marriage, I was eager to be the dutiful little homemaker wife even though I held a full time job and dropped off and picked up our son from daycare. I literally did EVERYTHING. His friends would often comment they wish their wives were more like me as they sat scarfing down my homemade food and tortillas. Even though it was a nice compliment that made me smile and feel good, I realize now I did those poor wives a dis-service. Haha
I was the one who had the stay at home mom that never made me do anything, but at the same time, had that role model of the wife does everything. My fiance and I try to share the responsibility. Luckily, I have two sons that are at a good age to do chores. I am totally FOR giving your children chores. First of all, it alleviates some of your work. Secondly, I am desperately hoping to instill some good habits I now wish my mom had instilled in me!
I grew up in a home with an equal division of labor and I made it clear even though that’s not how it was in his house. That’s how it would be in ours. I have to say I feel guilty because during the wedding planning process he has taken on so much. For example yesterday as I was at a friend’s as we made the wedding maps for our invites and designed the escort cards he cleaned the bathroom, went grocery shopping, cooked our meals for the week (we work nights) and did the laundry. I’m spoiled.
What a great blog! This seems to be true for most cases. Working women are exhausted and tired after coming home and don’t want to have to do house chores.
So true!!! We balance household tasks pretty well, but I’ve slacked on some of the things I consider more generous like folding and putting away all of his laundry (he puts my stuff in a pile when it’s his turn because he’s afraid of messing up the girly clothes) and ironing.
What is this “ironing” of which you speak? I don’t even know where we keep our iron & ironing board! Ha! 
Fiance is definitely much better at the domestic stuff than I am, and he’s a much, MUCH better cook than me too. He’s also much better than me at vacuuming and doing laundry
Unfortunately for me I’m going to have to pick up the cooking duties next semester when he starts a new job for which he has to commute two hours (by train), so I promised that I’d do most of the house stuff during the week when he’s commuting to work. Things will be like that for about a year, until I graduate and then we can move closer to his new job place, at which point we will already be married and we’ll probably split the domestic duties again (maybe 60-40, with him doing 60% since he’s much better at it, lol).
It’s weird for us. He lived by himself for almost 10 years before I moved in. And while I lived with my dad, we never really kept the same hours. So we were both used to doing it all. When we moved in together, it was hard for each of us to get used to having “help”. When I was working full time, he did most of the cooking and I did dishes and we shared the cleaning. Now that I’m layed off, I try to do most of the cleaning and we usually cook together or we take turns. One bonus, he cleans the litterbox! It was always my job when I lived with my dad. I will happily scrub the toilet if he cleans the litterbox!
What a great post! No matter what our situations (we’ve both worked f/t, and now I work p/t and he still works f/t) my FI has had no problem sharing the chores… it will be interesting to see how that pans out once we finally have a house of our own - as I’m the ‘handy’ one!
since we’re still in the bf/gf world, i do occasionally iron his shirts but that’s merely to speed up the process of getting ready to leave. and i know i would not be ironing his friend’s shirt. lol.
but i see us taking a more balanced approach to the housework. sure i might “make him a plate” but i know it won’t be because he went ahead and sat down at the table first and then asked, like my dad does. omg i HATE that.
Okay, funny this should come up because I had an argument with my hubby over this last weekend. So…I am up on saturday morning bright and early ( i am a morning person) I am doing dishes and laundry, cleaning the kitchen, tidying up and my hubby wanders out of the bedroom and asks me what i’m doing…to which i reply, cleaning up. Mind you I wans’t being ugly or condescending. I enjoy cleaning. It is actually somewhat calming for me…there is something methodical about it that soothes me. I have a somewhat demanding corporate job and while i value the paycheck I am sometimes envious of those who don’t stress their whole day about this and that at work. Anyway….all that goes to say is that I like cleaning, not all the time, but at least a little every day. I normally clean when i first get up and as soon as I get home from work and then do the heavy stuff on saturday or sunday mornings. The hubby says “why are you ALWAYS cleaning? can’t you ever NOT do chores?”, his irritation obvious I was stunned. I mean, frankly, we have four dogs and a parrot and the mister is not the clenliest of beasts himself so when idon’t clean my home starts smelling like a zoo. Keeping my cool i inquired what it was about my cleaning that was bothering him, I thought perhaps i had made too much noise stacking dishes in the dishwasher and disturbed his rest. and then it came out ” it makes me feel guilty that you clean all the time”. Okay, fine, you feel guilty I clean, I calmy told him how cleaning makes me feel better and that I didn’t think i’d ever tried to make him feel guilty about the fact i do the majority *read almost all* of the housework. I have never so much as given him a sideways glance as he plays call of duty and i vaccuum and dust the ceiling fans so, why the resentment? We then proceeded to have a looong discussion about ways he could help out and the ways he already does contribute( mow law, fix sink, etc) so he won’t have to feel guilty. Weird. I know.
Ha! This is so funny. I think splitting up “domestic duties” is one of the trickiest things that couples navigate nowadays, especially since most couples are the dual-earning type. I am the cook in the household, but FI is the dishwasher. We try to split up the rest of the cleaning, though neither of us is dying to do it, and I get frustrated because I don’t think he does the most thorough job sometimes. I wish our home were cleaner but … oh well.
maybe i could hire a maid to come in once a week and let the hubby pay for it….
Growing up, my parents divided labor equally: dad cooked mostly, shopped the groceries, took out the trash, did his own laundry, sometimes my mother’s if she’s working, irons his own clothes if not busy; mom cleaned, sometimes cooked, did his laundry if he didn’t have a chance to. They still live this way today and it’s a way of life I want to bring in my new marriage into.
My fiance lives alone so he cleans up after himself, cooks, washes his dishes, cleans the whole place, does his laundry. Every now and then I help him clean when we throw get togethers.
Haha, I must be meaner than you as I feel no guilt over laughing at my husband’s silly requests like ironing his shirt. My husband wishes I was the perfect homemaker. But the funny thing is that his mother taught him how to clean and do laundry much better than my mother taught me. I’ve learned more about laundry in the two years we’ve been living together than I did in the 10+ years I’ve been doing my own. Besides, I figure that if I’m expected to contribute my shair of the mulla to our budget, he can contribue chore-wise.
I cannot iron. Justin does all ironing and most laundry type stuff. I cook and we usually grocery shop together. We have a lady who does all the serious cleaning. And this works for us!
Call me a feminist but I would have told him to iron his own darn shirt.
@Ms. Scrabble: Hehehe, laughing in his face also did the trick
I don’t know if we’re traditional, or if it’s just what suits us, be we’re both playing into the traditional gender roles. He takes care of the cars and yards and I do the dishes, laundry, and clean the bathroom. Sorry, but I’m not interested in yardwork! We both do a ton of work — there’s no one lounging.
I’ve never embraced any of the chores! I grew up watching my mom do all of it and wanted none of that!
The only chores I do is cooking (b/c I like it)… he cleans up. And laundry (b/c if he did it, my whites would come out dark)… be folds the laundry.
We outsource the rest. After a few short months of trying to negotiate the distribution of housework (and sometimes getting annoyed at each other over it), we figured it would be easier on us and a better use of our time if we just got someone else to do the rest of the cleaning. We love it and never looked back!
Oh, to add — when I was a kid, they used to tell me that if someone vacuumed under your feet you’d never get married. As if that was inspiration to get up and help with the chores!
i think we have shared half the work from the beginning. if i cook, he washes dishes. if he cooks, i clean up. although, we have never lived together so i don’t know how it will pan out with marriage. but i’m sure he is not expecting me to play gender roles since we both work and my job is a little bit more demanding than his. and i HATE ironing. i cannot ever get those wrinkles out. which is why i got a steamer =)
My husband and I split our duties pretty reasonably. I do more of the cooking and cleaning, but he does some too. Moreover, he does ALL the finances and the car stuff, which is a lot. When we have kids I plan on staying home, at which point I think it’s only right that I do most everything around the house.
Haha, great post! I actually wanted to smack my FI this weekend when he pulled the “You used to keep everything so clean, what happened?” I told him in college when you have one bedroom and one small bathroom to keep clean its not so bad. Its a totally different issue when you are keeping a condo that two people and two pets live in clean.
He grew up so ridiculously pampered and so did I really. I totally was trying to do everything because thats what my mom did and what his mom did (or so I thought). I recently found out she had a housekeeper the whole time her kids were growing up. Either way he has been assigned certain tasks (vacuuming, trash, keeping the computer room clean, etc.) that have really helped me out shocked his mom big time. She was stunned the day she dropped by and found him vacuuming. They can be taught!
Wow. I guess I am ‘lucky’ that this thought never crossed my brain. Mainly because my man is self-sufficient: he cooks, cleans, irons (if need be- until I taught him the good ole college trick of throwing whatever it is that is wrinkled into the dryer for a good blast of heat). I, don’t mind cleaning- cooking on the other hand is a definite chore for me. I feel like I never get it quite like I had in mind- but for him it comes easily and he enjoys it. So we have a very symbiotic relationship. That I cherish- because I have never had to ’snap to’ to get anything done. If we see something needs to be done… we do it. THANK GOD.
I love my man!
We actually started out splitting the tasks down the middle… until the day he asked me to poop-scoop the back yard. I said that if I never had to poop-scoop, he’d never wash another dish. That was my mistake… but we’re making it work.
He loves to dust and vacuum, so I got lucky there. I’m in charge of the bathrooms, though… (so they don’t get done very often). I’m totally ok with ironing his shirts, but he only has to dress up a maximum of five times per year! I can handle five shirts.
We still both do our own laundry. =)
@JennyBryde: FI’s mom was the same way!! I told him that if he wanted a house wife he should be marrying someone else cuz that ain’t me!! He gets upset sometimes when I ask him to help, but after finally having to yell at him and explain that although he does work his tush off, I work full time plus have tons of school stuff to do so even tho I’m not working with my hands I’m working with my mind and that’s just as exhausting. He doesn’t complain much more, we both hate cleaning so its been decided that once we get our own place we’re going to have someone come in twice a month to do all the stuff we can’t stand doing (like the bathroom and scrubbing floors…)
I used to volunteer to iron his shirts until the day he watched me take 20 mins to lovingly iron his shirt perfectly and he said, “baby, I can do that in 2 minutes.”
So now he irons his own shirts. And sometimes I hand him mine to do too!
I grew up in a very nontraditional household, my stepfather did most of the chores, despite having a full time job. At my Dad’s house, it was the opposite, but my sisters and I learned how to use power tools and take care of basic household things (’cuz there were no sons). So, when I lived by myself, I could take care of everything, which means I expected my boyfriend to do likewise. We don’t quite split things down the middle, but it is pretty close.
Luckily my mom told me of this very trap, as she fell into it as a newlywed!! I have tried to be pretty aware of not setting up a pattern that I won’t want to continue, and my husband is pretty good about sharing chores. Neither of us much liked cleaning the bathroom etc so I figured at some point that instead of always doing it because it grossed me out far before it grossed him out, we should hire a maid for every other week. And the few chores that I do that he never does (empty the fridge) are ok because I let him do some of the others (Take out the trash). I think you need to find the right balance from the outset or you have a hard time changing things later!!
how does your husband feel about all of this? do you think it is to late to reset?
I’ve made sure from the beginning that my fiance knows I will not do all of the housework. He actually probably does more than I do.
My mom had a male friend who said, “Tell your daughter: she picks up your husband’s dirty socks off the floor once, she’ll be picking them up for the rest of her life!”
I’ve been establishing my non-housewife-status since we moved in together. He is good about splitting the housework.
@Janna19: Our reset happened in kind of a chore Armageddon one day. I think I was taking the laundry to get done and I finally just freaked out and said, “I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS THIS WEEK. I DONT HAVE TIME FOR ANY OF THIS THIS WEEK!!!!” From then on, I’ve continued to do most of the chores, but with the option of “opting out”. I like doing the housework, but only if I’m not too tired. If I don’t feel like doing it, I just ask him if he can do it, and he obliges. I really do like doing housework, mostly because I like my own methods of cleaning things… but sometimes it does just get to be too much, and in those cases, he picks up my slack
my hubby’s shirts gets sent out to wash and iron…hahaha
I told my husband a long time ago ‘don’t expect martha stewart, cuz you’re not getting one’ but you will get a wife who adores you for the rest of your life I guess between us, he’s definitely more the techy handy man so I take care of the laundry and grocery shopping/meals.
OMG, this is an epidemic! Unfortunately, I learned too little too late not to begin a pattern that you don’t intend to continue (too late as in pre-marital counseling too late, after already living together for some odd years). Although my cleaning and cooking wasn’t as much about pleasing him as it was just “my way.” I was raised by a woman who was the epitome of “Monica” on Friends long before the show ever existed. Nevertheless my husband reaped the benefits of it and became spoiled. I have recently had several meltdowns (I have two children very active in extra-curricular activities, a job and am trying to finish school…so I feel justified), which have prompted a redistribution of household responsibilities (less me, more everyone else). He’s going along kicking and screaming at times, but I could care less as long as he’s going along.
We both lived alone before moving in together so I always saw anything he does to help out as a bonus, because I don’t have to do it. I think household duties should be looked at as part of the larger give-and-take of your relationship. We also try to leave work at work and to live a balanced life in terms of stress-management and that makes it a lot easier to do our share toward the household.
I think I’m a tidier person by nature, but if he sees me actively cleaning he’ll join in and help. Basically whoever has more free time at home does more of the housework in a given week. I may do more laundry, but he’ll take care of my car. The cooking is done together (I think cooking with me is one of the sexiest things he does). We also both have a weird love of grocery shopping (hello, cheese samples!) so that gets done together too.
The ironing gets done by the cleaners… we both hate it, so it’s well worth the $1.50 per shirt.
The first few months my FH and I lived together, he was unemployed and looking for a job. He was the BEST househusband ever. He made me dinner every night and did all the cleaning. Once he got a job we figured out a pretty good routine - he still does most of the cooking, and picks up around the house (because I leave crap everywhere) and I do most of the hardcore cleaning and laundry. I think the most important thing is to find a balance that works for both of you.
Great post, Pengy! There seem to be so many things that go into this dynamic….
Mr T and I are pretty much 50/50 on everything (both home and baby). Sometimes I feel guilty about this because he works and I don’t — I want to do more not because I’m the woman, but because it might be more fair given his job. But illness keeps my energy low and it’s already a struggle for me just to get by.
When I express regret that Mr T has to carry so much household weight, he says he’d rather be married to ME than less happy with someone who did more chores. Bless him!
From the beginning of our relationship Mr Frenchie and I have been about 50/50 when it comes to chores* and even paying for things… but there are still somethings we are very traditional on - like he opens doors and carries my bags and I sew things for him and bake him pies and cakes.
When it comes to ironing I have tried to iron for him to help in out in a couple cases but he has WAY more experience ironing than I do, so he is WAY better and more efficient.
*We don’t live together yet, but we talk about who will do what when we do and it is 50/50
I hope when I am married that we do fall into somewhat traditional gender roles. The main reason is that I like doing the “womanly” tasks like cooking, laundry, and generally “maintaining the home,” and I LOATHE yard work, taking out the trash, and all aspects of home repair and car maintenance. I’ve lived on my own for more than 10 years, so I do all that stuff, albeit grudgingly, and not as well or as often as I should. If my FH will haul the recycling out to the curb and get the car’s tires rotated, I’ll be more than happy to scrub the toilet (most of the time).
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Mrs. Penguin, Northern California
Age and Occupation: 27, Weddingbee Editor in Chief
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I love the Spice Girls, dogs with underbites, bean burritos, making messes, high fives, avoiding showers, crossword puzzles, blogs, weddings, and blogs about weddings!
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