Wedding Blog
… when people ask me whether we’re still planning on getting married this September.
Umm… Yes? Why wouldn’t we be?
Seriously, this happens to me. Not often, but enough that I felt justified in writing this post. Why would someone say something like that? Here’s what I think.
It’s a small, small wedding. People don’t see me actively planning it. I’m not on the phone with vendors at work, I don’t tote around a pink wedding planning binder, and I haven’t sent out any Save The Dates or other paper products. I suppose without these grounding factors, people might not think our wedding is a big deal. We could just… you know, do it any time, right? It takes no planning or thought at all!
Ugh. It’s easy for me to see why people feel justified in asking about our wedding date. But it still feels like a slap to me. It’s like asking, “Is the wedding still on?” or, “Are you sure you want to do this?” It’s easy for me to allow myself to feel offended, as if people are questioning our relationship or our commitment to each other.
But I must remind myself that they are not. They aren’t trying to belittle the importance of our wedding day, nor are they insulting our union. They’re just innocently asking about something they think is perfectly appropriate to question. Because you can go to the courthouse any day of the week, am I right?
Do you have trouble coping with certain questions regarding your wedding? Have you had anyone ask you whether it’s “still on”? What are some of the questions people ask about your wedding that irk you?
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I haven’t received this question before, but I can definitely understand your frustrations with it. I do get unwanted advice from my future sister in law, who apparently wants our wedding to downplayed more than I had envisioned. Examples pertain to the type of dress I should get, time of day for our rehearsal meal, who to invite to keep the numbers down, etc. We do have to counsel ourselves through it sometimes. You’re doing a good job of that!
Whenever I talk about the wedding people automatically ask me about my fiance’s job…due to the fact that he was laid off and doesn’t have one. We aren’t getting married for 15 months so right now it’s not an issue for us and I know he is very talented and will find a job soon. It usually makes me a little sad that people don’t seem as excited as they would be if things were “perfect” and we were both employed. It’s not the best situation to be in but I would never not marry him because of the economy. Just like I wouldn’t divorce him if we were already married and he got laid off. In good times and bad…
I really appreciate this post Miss MJ. I find it interesting how often people react negatively when a bride is going against the grain or is doing something other people perceive as “non-traditional” when it comes to weddings. It’s like all of the sudden everyone has an opinion about how it should or shouldn’t be done and how you HAVE to do it this way…
I’m really sorry that this is happening to you! I’m sure that these people don’t mean it.
I haven’t really had that issue, but my mom once said that we shouldn’t be getting married because we haven’t graduated from college yet.
I can totally relate. I have been doing a lot of the “traditional” planning in plain sight of people I work and associate with and I still get that exact question. Hello….I’ve booked a hall and you received a Save-the-Date!
I totally understand your feelings. The question I hate is, “am I invited?” because the answer, for random acquaintances and coworkers, is usually going to be “no!”
I get the “aren’t you married yet”? Oh and the ever famous, “Oh, you’re having a small wedding! Why have one at all?” So, I understand your frustration. Dumb people.
Rubrwoneyes: I get that one all the time. I figure if people don’t know my wedding date they are not invited. : )
Rubrowneyes - YES! I get that from some people that I occassionaly see at the bar. So, acquaintances of acquaintances - and typically my response after a few beers gets less and less polite. Oops!
It’s not irksome in a bad way like yours, but one thing people KEPT asking me, right up until about a month before the wedding, was, “Do you have a venue yet?”
SERIOUSLY? I’ve been telling you the date for ten months but you think we haven’t secured a place to hold it on that date yet? Because, you know, you can just stroll into a venue a month before your wedding and say, “I’m getting married on the 31st of October, so pencil me in. Where do I sign?”
(In fact, when we looked at venues in the January and said “we want to book a date in October”, most venues said, “this year or next year?”.)
I actually get this one..”did you two get married already? i didn’t get invited”.
They think that because we’re an encore couple that we will quietly elope or something. I had a friend I hadn’t talked to in 3 mos actually ask me that!!!
i had a coworker i barely knew ask what colors the wedding were, i replied, pink and brown, she said she would have to get a brown dress to match the bridesmaids. then handed a post it note with her address. luckily i switched jobs a couple months before the wedding and didn’t invite her. Whew!
We have sensitivity and offesnse at certain comments, whether hurt was intended by them or not. I find I learn the most when I investigate WHY I am sensitive to the particular question.
@Sweet tooth: Wow! People have said, Why get married at all about a small wedding??? That’s just crazy. Maybe it’s from people out of touch with the economic times? That’s crazy as all get out!
I wish I could scale my wedding down, but at this point, I’m 2 months away and it’s too late. I’m so envious of you and other small wedding brides. I feel way too overwhelmed with STUFF. It would’ve been better for me.
@ bellenga - I’ve gotten that question a couple of time! All from people that love me and I just don’t talk to often enough.
@katie - My fiance is on a shuffleboard team and we invited his captain to the wedding bc we’ve known her a long time and we consider her a good friend and have hung out outside of shuffleboard. One of the ladies on an OPPOSITE team, who we only see TWICE a season when they play each other says she is going to cry if we don’t invite her! I told him to use the parent excuse and say we are only allowed to invite a limited amount of people since they are paying.
Ms. MJ, don’t get discouraged! The same rules apply to you as any other bride. Even a courthouse wedding takes some planning. 
Its YOUR day (and Mr. MJ of course) and you want it to go on without a hitch. So, don’t listen to the downers and what it is you want!
We have had a long engagement so we could save money and pay for the whole thing ourselves. We get “why are you waiting so long” or “oh just do something small”. This drives me crazy! Clearly we have put thought into our decisions. I with you - I know no one is trying to be rude- but it can come off as judgmental.
My FI and I used to work at the same hospital. I still work there, and I get asked regularly “Are you guys still TOGETHER?”
And the ones who aren’t dumb enough to ask that - ask me “So, are you inviting all of us to the wedding?”
I cannot afford to invite people who just remotely know us just because we all worked in the same building.
It’s only normal that questions like that would irritate you mj but don’t worry too much, don’t let yourself down because of that. Just relax and don’t mind them.
@Sweet tooth: haha! Yeah no kidding. if you aren’t going big, just go home. (Wow, some people.)
@bellenga: Man.. I get that one too Except for me it’s like the person understands why *I* wouldn’t want a wedding. It has nothing to do with being encore actually. I just don’t want a big wedding. I didn’t then, either. :p
@katie: Wow, the NERVE!
@marylizbeth: You can’t win. If you weren’t waiting long, people would suggest that you SHOULD wait longer so you could have a bigger party. I get that one too. Like “oh, i guess you couldn’t afford big on such short notice. you should have waited till next year. Hey, why don’t you do that?!” Like they just came up with the best idea ever. :p
judyju22 - I wonder if it’s a negative opinion of non-”traditional”/off-beat wedding or people just don’t nice refined questions to fall back on?
A story from my own experience: all my co-workers got married last year. One had a very traditional big white wedding (this I was familiar with) and one had a Hindu inspired but totally non-religious wedding (this I was not so familiar with).
For the wedding I was familiar with I could ask that co-worker all kinds of things with somewhat appropriate timing (1 year before - how’s the venue hunt? 6 months - have you picked your dress?) because I knew there was a 99% chance there WAS a venue, a dress, a cake, a tasting etc
For the wedding I was less familiar with I found myself asking what could have easily been taken as misappropriate and insensitive comment. I didn’t know if there would be a rented venue or if it would be at someones house or if they were even having a ceremony. I didn’t know if she’d wear a western dress or a hindu dress or both or neither.
Obviously I don’t know the context in which everyone’s uninvited comments were made but perhaps people are just trying to show interest in your plans and are unsure what to say.
I definitely understand how frustrating it is when people assume something about your wedding/marriage/relationship because you don’t do things exactly the way they think you should.
We’ve had to have a long engagement, and with a long way still to go, we get a lot of questions from people who assume we’re not serious about spending the rest of our lives together. In my opinion, the focus on our shared priorities is a BETTER sign that we are serious about making this work. (We’ve been together for three years now, and live together.)
I completely understand your fustrations, and I would be upset too. My mother just doesn’t believe that we’re getting married, and although the people asking are just curious, no matter who it’s coming from it hurts.
Keep your head up Miss MJ, once your day comes, it will be worth it!
I’m in the opposite boat as you, in having a pretty BIG wedding (200+ guests at this point). And people keep asking me if we are sure we should have such a large wedding in this economy. It offends me, it is really none of their business how much we are spending or who is paying for it (and yes, people ask). And sending out save the dates make it worse! I wanted to take one back when a friend of my FMIL told me I shouldn’t be wasting my money like that.
I say we ignore all of these crazies. It’s our weddings and our business. If they don’t know how to be polite and think before they speak, it can’t be our issue!
I take the blame for this one. We’ve changed our minds so many times (Jamaica, Illinois Spring 2010, Iowa Fall 2009, Iowa Spring 2010) that I’ve set the precedence. Sorry about that! 
@ktbride2be: If I were you, I’d be tempted to not said FMIL’s friend an invitation and just tell her that you knew she wouldn’t mind because she wants you to save money!!
Miss MJ- Are you sure the asker isn’t trying to put feelers out there as to whether they’re invited? I feel like people I didn’t invite kind of ask me stuff like that and I feel awkward trying to give them as little info. as possible?
Either way, your day- your way!
Miss MJ- Are you sure the asker isn’t trying to put feelers out there as to whether they’re invited? I feel like people I didn’t invite kind of ask me stuff like that and I feel awkward trying to give them as little info. as possible?
The way I see it: your day= your way!
I hear ya sister! My fiance is in the Army and so I’m moving across the country sometime after our housing gets approved… as a result, of my impending move, I’m also losing my job which makes people ask me if I’m sure I want to do this or if he’s “really worth it”. I respond with the just as rude “Um, duh!”
I’ve had trouble with a few family members and close friends that seem to think that we had some sort of beef with them, or are ungrateful for everything they’ve done for us over the years, or don’t want them in our lives anymore, etc., because they weren’t invited to the 15-person wedding.
If I’d had my way, we would only have had two guests… and I can’t imagine how much worse the outcry would have been then.
I get kinda irked when people ask me questions that can be found in the invitation, i.e. which airport should I fly to or when is your wedding, especially since I spent a lot of time making my invitations and making sure to provide useful information. I came to the understanding that people possibly just don’t have time to look for (or even lazy to think) about the answers themselves, so they just ask other people. That may be one reason why people ask you questions about the wedding date.
Anyway, I hope your fiance finds a job soon I can relate.
On a positive note, maybe they are hoping for an invitation and since it is June and since you didn’t send STDs they figure now is the time to start showing interest. I can’t imagine any one close to you would ask but I could be off.
I feel like something drops in my stomach when people ask, “So when’s the date?” I mean our wedding is gonna be kinda bigger than some couples’, but not really big…because we can only afford a reception hall that holds only a certain amount of people…so there’s that chance the person asking me about the date of my wedding won’t be invited…and I hate the feeling of them thinking they’re going to be invited but they aren’t.
I get the “Are you sure you wanna do this?” or “You’re really going through with this?” a LOT. Most of my friends are older - like my mom’s age - and they’ve all either never been married, been in failed marriages, or hate their husbands/wives. It’s kinda sad actually… but I try not to let it bother me. I just remind myself that their life experiences have been totally different than mine. It sucks though!
@ktbride2be: Wow, we just can’t win!
@laurajane: You know, it could be… but I usually have a pretty good intuition for that kind of thing…
@Jo: I am SO concerned about this myself. Seriously. 
@slicey19: Yeah it’s actually people who are close enough to know if and why they are or aren’t coming. Hmph.
@Vee: Oh man. it’s like when people tell you your life is over or you’re making a huge mistake. Wow, THANKS!
Maybe they just mean the “in September” part… not the “are you still getting married” part?
I’ve gotten asked more than once by people who don’t know me as well (such as work people I”m not close with) - are you ever getting married? Yes, I understand my engagement is long. No, I don’t need you inquiring so rudely about when my wedding date is.
Some people just don’t think, MJ!
I couldn’t agree with you more Jubyju22. We are trying to have add details into our wedding that goes against the grain of what everyone percieves to be NORMAL (standards from the 1980s). Because of this, I have gotten tons of questions like you are doing that? Why are you doing it that way? Um..how about because i want to? People just need to shut up and keep their opinions to themselves.
I actually get a lot of “Oh, having second thoughts yet? You still have a year to change your mind about getting married.” But fortunately these are usually just smartass jokes from Mr. Spin’s family’s friends so it doesn’t offend me–I know they’re just teasing us. In their own unique way. ^_^
It is awkward though to have to make a reply to such an awkward “joke” even if they don’t mean it. They’re lucky I’m not as thin-skinned as other women who’ve married into this group of friends, because some of them would be horribly offended.
Ugh how frustrating!
Someone at work emailed me and asked me where I got married because they heard it was casual. It was definitely not casual (the weddingbee world has now seen some snippets of my wedding via Meatball) . I was so so so offended! People don’t realize how their poor word choices can effect others (especially brides!)
My dad isn’t actively in my life right now…his choice, not mine. I get questions about him….is he coming to the wedding, is he walking me down the aisle, etc. He’s not been active in my life for over 6 years now. However, my brother now has a relationship with him again. I know people are just asking out of concern and are checking to see if maybe some things have changed but it still irks me a bit. Especially when they clearly don’t like my answers. 1) he will be at the wedding as a guest and 2) no he will not walk me down the aisle. I guess it’s all just part of it. When people know he’s been absent in my life and tradition says that the father walks the daughter down the aisle I know they must wonder “what will she do?”. *sigh*
The question that I keep getting is “are you pregnant?” or “Is it a shotgun wedding?”. I got engaged in April although we had been talking about it since February. We planned to get married this summer and the date is set at the beginning on August. So because it’s “so soon” people assume that there is some reason behind it.
The reason is; it’s a small wedding and we wanted to have it this summer - so stop assuming I’m pregnant! It definitely bothers me. Just because I didn’t plan everything a year in advance people just assume that it is because of some other driving force, and it’s usually with a negative connotation.
Some people are actually TRYING to be rude with the wedding questions, I’ve found. When I first got engaged, I actually had a co-worker tell me that I was stupid and asked me if I would pay my father back for the wedding once we got divorced. (Yeah, he actually said that.) Keep in mind that I barely know this guy, he’s never met my fiance, he knows nothing about me at all, and my fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years so I’m pretty sure I’m making the right choice there. Turns out he’s divorced — I’ve found that people who have experienced failed relationships like to think that all others will fail as a way to make themselves feel less responsible or bad about the breakdown of their own relationship/marriage. They like to blame “the institution of marriage” rather than think that maybe a lot of marriages fail because they’re entered into by naive people who’ve only known each other for a couple of months and think they’re ready to get married or by people who are so clearly not compatible with one another that it’s ridiculous. Of course, his comments really upset me but then I realized that what he was saying said more about HIM than about ME, so I got over it. Another co-worker came up to me and said in such a rude tone of voice “I hope you don’t mind that I’m not coming to your wedding” — so I said “oh, it’s ok, you weren’t invited” — sometimes it feels so good to not be so nice!
To all of you having small weddings: I’m so jealous! At this point the guest list is around 260+ (with my father adding to it by the day!) and most of those people are my parents’ friends. They’re paying for all of the big things, so it’s their dime, but I’ve started to feel like this is my parents’ party — we just happen to be getting married that day as well. I want to laugh when people say “It’s your day!” because it most certainly is not! I know that in the end, when we’re dancing our first dance, none of that will matter, though.
All of us — let’s keep our chins up and remember the most important thing: we’re getting married to someone who makes our lives worth living. The rest is just details.
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Mrs. Mary Jane, Grand Forks, ND
Age and Occupation: 26, Instructional Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Lead Programmer
Engagement Date: February 28, 2009
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: City Hall
About Me: I'm a career woman on the surface and a homemaker at heart. I love fast cars and high heels, and my favorite food is cake. Mr. Mary Jane and I are both full-time employees and students, and we just bought our first house. We love to curl up on the couch with buttery popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, and the latest Netflix arrival -- whenever we can get a break from everyday life.
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