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… when people ask me whether we’re still planning on getting married this September.
Umm… Yes? Why wouldn’t we be?
Seriously, this happens to me. Not often, but enough that I felt justified in writing this post. Why would someone say something like that? Here’s what I think.
It’s a small, small wedding. People don’t see me actively planning it. I’m not on the phone with vendors at work, I don’t tote around a pink wedding planning binder, and I haven’t sent out any Save The Dates or other paper products. I suppose without these grounding factors, people might not think our wedding is a big deal. We could just… you know, do it any time, right? It takes no planning or thought at all!
Ugh. It’s easy for me to see why people feel justified in asking about our wedding date. But it still feels like a slap to me. It’s like asking, “Is the wedding still on?” or, “Are you sure you want to do this?” It’s easy for me to allow myself to feel offended, as if people are questioning our relationship or our commitment to each other.
But I must remind myself that they are not. They aren’t trying to belittle the importance of our wedding day, nor are they insulting our union. They’re just innocently asking about something they think is perfectly appropriate to question. Because you can go to the courthouse any day of the week, am I right?
Do you have trouble coping with certain questions regarding your wedding? Have you had anyone ask you whether it’s “still on”? What are some of the questions people ask about your wedding that irk you?
I haven’t received this question before, but I can definitely understand your frustrations with it. I do get unwanted advice from my future sister in law, who apparently wants our wedding to downplayed more than I had envisioned. Examples pertain to the type of dress I should get, time of day for our rehearsal meal, who to invite to keep the numbers down, etc. We do have to counsel ourselves through it sometimes. You’re doing a good job of that!
Whenever I talk about the wedding people automatically ask me about my fiance’s job…due to the fact that he was laid off and doesn’t have one. We aren’t getting married for 15 months so right now it’s not an issue for us and I know he is very talented and will find a job soon. It usually makes me a little sad that people don’t seem as excited as they would be if things were “perfect” and we were both employed. It’s not the best situation to be in but I would never not marry him because of the economy. Just like I wouldn’t divorce him if we were already married and he got laid off. In good times and bad…
I really appreciate this post Miss MJ. I find it interesting how often people react negatively when a bride is going against the grain or is doing something other people perceive as “non-traditional” when it comes to weddings. It’s like all of the sudden everyone has an opinion about how it should or shouldn’t be done and how you HAVE to do it this way…
I’m really sorry that this is happening to you! I’m sure that these people don’t mean it.
I haven’t really had that issue, but my mom once said that we shouldn’t be getting married because we haven’t graduated from college yet.
I can totally relate. I have been doing a lot of the “traditional” planning in plain sight of people I work and associate with and I still get that exact question. Hello….I’ve booked a hall and you received a Save-the-Date!
I totally understand your feelings. The question I hate is, “am I invited?” because the answer, for random acquaintances and coworkers, is usually going to be “no!”
I get the “aren’t you married yet”? Oh and the ever famous, “Oh, you’re having a small wedding! Why have one at all?” So, I understand your frustration. Dumb people.
Rubrwoneyes: I get that one all the time. I figure if people don’t know my wedding date they are not invited. : )
Rubrowneyes - YES! I get that from some people that I occassionaly see at the bar. So, acquaintances of acquaintances - and typically my response after a few beers gets less and less polite. Oops!
It’s not irksome in a bad way like yours, but one thing people KEPT asking me, right up until about a month before the wedding, was, “Do you have a venue yet?”
SERIOUSLY? I’ve been telling you the date for ten months but you think we haven’t secured a place to hold it on that date yet? Because, you know, you can just stroll into a venue a month before your wedding and say, “I’m getting married on the 31st of October, so pencil me in. Where do I sign?”
(In fact, when we looked at venues in the January and said “we want to book a date in October”, most venues said, “this year or next year?”.)
I actually get this one..”did you two get married already? i didn’t get invited”.
They think that because we’re an encore couple that we will quietly elope or something. I had a friend I hadn’t talked to in 3 mos actually ask me that!!!
i had a coworker i barely knew ask what colors the wedding were, i replied, pink and brown, she said she would have to get a brown dress to match the bridesmaids. then handed a post it note with her address. luckily i switched jobs a couple months before the wedding and didn’t invite her. Whew!
We have sensitivity and offesnse at certain comments, whether hurt was intended by them or not. I find I learn the most when I investigate WHY I am sensitive to the particular question.
@Sweet tooth: Wow! People have said, Why get married at all about a small wedding??? That’s just crazy. Maybe it’s from people out of touch with the economic times? That’s crazy as all get out!
I wish I could scale my wedding down, but at this point, I’m 2 months away and it’s too late. I’m so envious of you and other small wedding brides. I feel way too overwhelmed with STUFF. It would’ve been better for me.
@ bellenga - I’ve gotten that question a couple of time! All from people that love me and I just don’t talk to often enough.
@katie - My fiance is on a shuffleboard team and we invited his captain to the wedding bc we’ve known her a long time and we consider her a good friend and have hung out outside of shuffleboard. One of the ladies on an OPPOSITE team, who we only see TWICE a season when they play each other says she is going to cry if we don’t invite her! I told him to use the parent excuse and say we are only allowed to invite a limited amount of people since they are paying.
Ms. MJ, don’t get discouraged! The same rules apply to you as any other bride. Even a courthouse wedding takes some planning. 
Its YOUR day (and Mr. MJ of course) and you want it to go on without a hitch. So, don’t listen to the downers and what it is you want!
We have had a long engagement so we could save money and pay for the whole thing ourselves. We get “why are you waiting so long” or “oh just do something small”. This drives me crazy! Clearly we have put thought into our decisions. I with you - I know no one is trying to be rude- but it can come off as judgmental.
My FI and I used to work at the same hospital. I still work there, and I get asked regularly “Are you guys still TOGETHER?”
And the ones who aren’t dumb enough to ask that - ask me “So, are you inviting all of us to the wedding?”
I cannot afford to invite people who just remotely know us just because we all worked in the same building.
It’s only normal that questions like that would irritate you mj but don’t worry too much, don’t let yourself down because of that. Just relax and don’t mind them.
@Sweet tooth: haha! Yeah no kidding. if you aren’t going big, just go home. (Wow, some people.)
@bellenga: Man.. I get that one too Except for me it’s like the person understands why *I* wouldn’t want a wedding. It has nothing to do with being encore actually. I just don’t want a big wedding. I didn’t then, either. :p
@katie: Wow, the NERVE!
@marylizbeth: You can’t win. If you weren’t waiting long, people would suggest that you SHOULD wait longer so you could have a bigger party. I get that one too. Like “oh, i guess you couldn’t afford big on such short notice. you should have waited till next year. Hey, why don’t you do that?!” Like they just came up with the best idea ever. :p
judyju22 - I wonder if it’s a negative opinion of non-”traditional”/off-beat wedding or people just don’t nice refined questions to fall back on?
A story from my own experience: all my co-workers got married last year. One had a very traditional big white wedding (this I was familiar with) and one had a Hindu inspired but totally non-religious wedding (this I was not so familiar with).
For the wedding I was familiar with I could ask that co-worker all kinds of things with somewhat appropriate timing (1 year before - how’s the venue hunt? 6 months - have you picked your dress?) because I knew there was a 99% chance there WAS a venue, a dress, a cake, a tasting etc
For the wedding I was less familiar with I found myself asking what could have easily been taken as misappropriate and insensitive comment. I didn’t know if there would be a rented venue or if it would be at someones house or if they were even having a ceremony. I didn’t know if she’d wear a western dress or a hindu dress or both or neither.
Obviously I don’t know the context in which everyone’s uninvited comments were made but perhaps people are just trying to show interest in your plans and are unsure what to say.
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Mrs. Mary Jane, Grand Forks, ND Age and Occupation: 26, Instructional Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Lead Programmer Engagement Date: February 28, 2009 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: City Hall About Me: I'm a career woman on the surface and a homemaker at heart. I love fast cars and high heels, and my favorite food is cake. Mr. Mary Jane and I are both full-time employees and students, and we just bought our first house. We love to curl up on the couch with buttery popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, and the latest Netflix arrival -- whenever we can get a break from everyday life.
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