Wedding Blog
I went back and forth on whether to change my name after marriage. My first instinct was to just do it. It seemed so romantic and symbolic, taking the name of the person I love. My last name is constantly mispronounced and misspelled, and the Dude’s never is. Plus, I’d get to jump ahead a few letters in the alphabet (and who doesn’t like getting their name called earlier?).
But the Dude and I have been engaged for a while, and I’ve had time to change my mind about pretty much everything that I originally thought I wanted, at least as far as the wedding goes.
I went through a period of indecisiveness on the issue. The Dude suggested we invent our own new last name. While I think the idea is great in theory, ultimately it would be a lot more trouble to create a whole new name than for me to just change mine. And the ideas he had for a new name were indescribably silly; almost as bad as some of the names he’s picked out for our children. See: Jaundice, Magnificent.
What about the ultimate compromise of hyphenation, you ask? It’s just not for me. My name would become cumbersome, and I’d still have the pesky task of getting it changed.
Ultimately I realized that I want to keep my last name. It’s part of my identity. It represents who I was throughout college and law school (and it will be on both of my diplomas). I just feel like it’s who I am, and I don’t feel like giving that up. The Dude doesn’t care if I keep mine or take his, so no worries there. All the time people ask me: “Well, what about your kids? Whose name will they take? Won’t it bother you that you don’t have the same last name as them?” To that I say: “Sounds like a problem for future me.”
Has anyone else gone through a similar internal debate about changing their surnames?
|
Share this post: Now Presenting, For the First Time… Mr. and Mrs. … Wait, What?
I had forgotten that you were a lawyer… until I saw the “See:…”… good to know that the Bluebook never leaves you!
“sounds like a problem for future me”
hilarious. i’m stealing it.
As for kids, we are going to give them first name, middle name, my last name, his last name. I think that is the perfect solution!
Haha I didn’t notice the bluebook usage the first time either! And I think it’s hilarious that the Dude unknowingly wants to torment your kids with such crazy names!
We have many sets of friends {all female lawyers or doctors} who have two last names and all of them have given their children their husband’s name. They also all go by their husband’s name socially as well. Like with school, church, etc. I think giving your child four names is just mean, so I would pick one last name for them or not give them a middle. 
It’s hard enough to learn two names when you’re 4!
I am doing the same as KateMW - I’m a doctor, and not planning to change my last name. I will use my husband’s name socially, and our kids will have his last name. What I am planning to do is add his name as a middle name. I’ll have four names, and even on legal documents, the middle name has always been optional. (And I’ve done a LOT of paperwork ) That way it is still my name but I don’t have to change any of my medical licensing etc.
My mum didn’t change her name and my FMIL only did so because she hated her maiden name, so there is no compulsion for me to change my name, however I’ve had a long running debate as to whether I should or not. Ultimately I’ve decided to keep my name exactly the same as it is now, I’ll remain Ms X. Part of the decision was because he has a really silly name that gets far worse when combined with mine, but ultimately it is because I don’t want to be stereotyped. I’m getting married young (21) and feel that people will make unfair assumptions about me if they know I’m married before they get to know me. I’m not ashamed of being married young, but do not wish to be defined by it. By keeping my name and title I retain my identity. Part of me would like to become Mrs Y, but it just isn’t right for me.
Ha, “Jaundice.” In our house it’s “Larceny.” Pretty name for a girl, don’t you think? 
It was a hard decision*, but I decided to change my name, but I moved my maiden name to a middle name. Unfortunately, most places only have room for one middle initial. Anyways…I still know it’s there. Plus I had my maiden name in my email address, so I’m keeping that as is. My little bit of rebellion I suppose
*I absolutley love my maiden name, but my mom kept hers (she’s a doctor) and it has caused some confusion throughout my childhood (wait, your parents aren’t divorced? why do they have different names then?) ugh, I got that question too many times…
I have to admit hubby REALLY wanted me to have his last name , I did end up changing mine , but would still like our children to have my last name too. They will probably have the 4 name thing . I think i’m ok with that for now. I have friends who keep their maiden name and are still called Mrs. XYZ.
I am definitely going to miss my maiden name being my last name- it’s been all mine for 26 years. weird! That being said, I’m changing mine because I think I always kinda knew I would, so it’s not a surprise, though it’ll take some getting used to!
Ps. I let “future Laura” deal with a lot of tough stuff too! Poor girl, lol.
In re: Last Names, I am going to me Ms. Maiden Married professionally, and Mrs. First Maiden Married, with my Maiden as a middle in my “Real” life. I, too, am a lawyer (well… almost), and I’ll have been published a few times, so I don’t want to lose that connection to my professional career so soon. My FSIL who married into the fam is also published and she made sure to use her Married name on the publication so that she could be tracked later on. This way, with two last names, it’ll be an easy conclusion that “gee, the author got married…” but at least they’ll be able to find me!
I applaud you for wanting to keep your own name, your own identity, your own heritage. I will never change my name. When people ask the question “What about your kids? Don’t you want the same last name as them?” I have a huge problem with A) The misogynistic assumption that any children automatically take the man’s name and B) The example that sets for any future daughters… you’re basically saying that you only want to share a name with them until they’re old enough to become a part of another man’s heritage. There is no “r” in Missus… the abbreviated “Mrs.” is mister/Mr. with a possessive “s” thrown on. I will gladly remain Ms. and as for last names for future children… well, honestly I’m not too concerned. There are a lot of options (hyphenating, my name, his name, both names, a combination of both names, etc…) and when the time comes we’ll pick what is best for us.
For the record: I’m not saying that a woman should never change her name, but I think the whole name game as it stands now is unfairly balanced. The vast majority of married woman in Western culture take the man’s name (a tradition based on outdated sexist ideas). Ideally I believe it should be more equally divided, women keeping, women changing, men keeping, men changing, hyphenation, etc…
@sro: I think this is really eloquently put, sro. That’s my beef as well: it’s not that I believe ALL women should ALWAYS keep their own names, but that it’s time to move toward changing the default.
In my culture (Latin America), women change their last name for the most part, but also get to keep their name. In other words, they have two last names, their husband’s comes first, and her father’s comes second. It’s not uncommon to go by both last names either. My siblings and I have both our parents last name: father’s comes first, mother’s comes second. Growing up in the states, the system only acknowledges one last name, my father’s. I’ve always my States name as an extension of my real identity, the one with two last names, like on my birth certificate. Even my passport has both last names, well, it has four: first, middle, and two last names. Any document with legality in the US, like my residence card, driver’s license, etcetera, has only one last name. So, when I became a citizen, I checked the box for Name Change and just added the second last name. Now I am legally a four named person in the States. My diplomas also have four names.
With that said, I am not changing my last name to his last name. He couldn’t understand this for some time and felt hurt and scared. He got over it when I explained my reasons to him. I am an artist and I’ve built my identity with a first name, a middle initial, and a first last name. It’s who I am. I want to keep this identity and also participate in the passing down of the family name. It’s okay that others don’t know the second last name, although, I do use it in some documents.
Our children will be named according to the Latin American tradition. They will get a first name, a middle name, his last name, and my first last name. In that order. They system will eventually screw it up, but it will be fine. Their names will be recorded on their birth certificates.
I’m changing mine… it’s one of the reasons we planned our wedding for before law school graduation ;).
I haven’t thought about it other than I will change it after the wedding. No reason behind it, nothing traditional. I just figure that although it may be a hassle to have everything changed, it’ll be easier in the long-run. To each his (her) own though and more power to you!
My parents were progressive for their time. My mom kept her last name, my dad kept his, and they hyphenated my last name and my sister’s. So we are “first name” “mom’s last name - dad’s last name”. I can attest that in the USA it is *really* difficult having a hyphenated last name. Nobody gets it right. They think my mom’s last name is my middle name. I get in trouble with airline tickets, standardized tests, etc. A lot of computer systems don’t allow the hyphen as a character in the last name. Now that I’m engaged I am *thrilled* to be changing my last name to my fiance’s. It’s not the best decision for me professionally, since I have many published paper’s under my maiden name, but I can’t wait to get rid of that annoying hyphen!
I love “sounds like a problem for future me” — I am totally going to steal that!
I’m definitely changing my name - after all, the only reason I have this ‘identity’ of my maiden name is because my mother took her husband’s name on marriage, and created our family of ‘The MaidenNames’.
I want to create that same family identity for our children - at least until they are old enough to decide for themselves the next course to take. I just see it as a natural generational progression, from one family to the next.
Fiance wants to call our kid Optimus Prime. Hell to the No!
I’m taking his last name as a middle name and he’s taking my last name as a middle name, and the kids are just going to have to muddle it out with all the names!
I was married 9 months ago, and had planned to hyphenate my last name (Escuriex) with my husband’s (Taylor). I’m a doctoral candidate in psychology, and bit of a feminist, so I wanted to keep my name, but also show some solidarity with my hubby. I hyphenated in theory (on Facebook, in thank-you letters, etc.), but never legally changed it. After 9 months, I realized that changing my name would have absolutely no impact on my actual marriage! So, I’ve gone back to only my last name, and realized that the status of my name really has no bearing on the status of my marriage and future family! Best of luck on deciding what is best for you!!!
I’m not changing my last names, for various reasons. I’m Puerto Rican, and in Puerto Rico no one changes their names upon marriage. Everybody has two surnames, the first one is their father’s first surname and the second one is their mother’s first surname, and when a couple gets married both the woman and the man keep their own surnames. This causes no confusion, and families are known by the combination of surnames, as would be their kids. For example, if “Woman Perez Jones” marries “Man Rodriguez Smith”, their kids would be “Children Rodriguez Perez”, and the whole family would be called “The Rodriguez Perez Family”. Also, most people in PR also have a middle name, so this means that almost everyone has four names. In informal situations you just give your first surname, but birth certificates, drivers licenses, etc, have the person’s full name listed, both last names included.
When I moved to the US I inserted a hyphen between my two surnames so that people would stop thinking that my first surname was a middle name, so now I’m “Name Surname1-Surname2″, and that’s the name on all my personal paperwork and everything (except my birth certificate, which has no hyphen), and it will be the name attached to my PhD once I graduate and the name under which I will publish papers and have my professional identity. My fiance knows that I’m not changing my last names and it doesn’t bother him one bit. He understands that my name is a part of my identity, both personal and professional, and besides, I’m not asking him to change his name either, so it’s more equal that way. If we ever have kids, we’ll name them according to the Puerto Rican tradition, and they’ll have my fiance’s last name as their first surname and my first surname as their second surname, maybe with a hyphen inserted to make it clear that they are both surnames.
I told my FI that I’ll change my name if he’ll change his too — but it’s unfair of him to ask me to do something he’s not willing to do himself, and we will not start out our marriage on unequal footing. I think we’ll both end up keeping our own, although our #2 option is what doctorgirl and her husband are doing (taking each other’s last as a second middle). Kids will have my last as their middle, his last as their last. They might get a “normal” middle name, too, but we haven’t made that decision yet — it’s for future us, hehe.
I’m 100% behind what sro and lit_geek26 already wrote, so I’m not going to repeat it
I personally don’t feel that changing my name has impacted my sense of agency or autonomy as an equal partner in my marriage, nor does keeping my last name make me feel any more liberated or honoured as a woman. After all, my maiden name was my Dad’s last name–my Mum was excluded there, so how liberating is it for me to hang onto it? Because I have do consulting and freelance work on the side, I’ve decided to keep my maiden name for that work, and use my married name socially/personally and in my daily work life.
i’m not changing my name because i’m a different ethnicity and it just seems so weird! i really love my last name, and he’s cool that i keep it too.
i do intend to use his last name for casual things like grocery store memberships though 
I was married for nearly two decades, and never changed my name. When one of my partners once asked me why my husband had a different last name, I told him that my husband had decided to keep his name when we got married.
My children got their father’s last name, primarily because they were raised as Jewish, and my last name is conspicuously not Jewish. When my son was in nursery school, someone asked him why his mother had a different last name from him. He responded with a lengthy lecture on which of his relatives had his last name (his father and two of his grandparents) and which did not (his mother, his uncles and aunts on my side, and his uncles and aunts on his father’s side. I don’t think anyone ever dared ask again, and both kids (now adults) seem untraumatized.
Jaundice? lol! I met a guy named “Marvelous” a few days ago. I’ve also known a “Precious” and a “Princess”…and they’re always horrible spoiled kids. Go figure.
My FI wants to name a child “General Maximus Aurelius”. He says it will force the child to be tough and manly. I said “And if he takes after me? A scrawny little pale kid with braces and glasses? Named GENERAL???”
Anyways, I’m taking his last name. Not for my kids’ sake, nowadays that’s common to have different last names. No biggie. I just like his name.
are you a fan of how i met your mother?!
I hope Future Miss Mouse doesn’t curse Past Miss Mouse
I am a very independent woman, with graduate degrees, and I don’t feel like giving up my maiden name takes away anything from my family/history/self. I agree with lou - I see it as a next generational step and part of creating our own family. I am proud to take his name (he is Chinese, I am French, so it’s very different). I’ll work my family history in to our children’s lives in other ways. I’m not worried.
Luckily we’ve only talked about dog names so far, and he suggested Sputnik (no thanks!). Larceny and Jaundice are hilarious.
I think it’s a very personal decision and I applaud you and the Dude for choosing something that is right for you instead of doing what you’re “supposed” to do or what is “right” for everyone else!
I’m a lawyer and a published author and am still changing my last name — I’ll take my maiden name as my middle name. I was really up in the air about it before I met my hubs — figured it depended on the guy and if I’d published or had my name associated with anything I really loved. (Re: publishing — not so much. And of all the cases I’ve worked on, the one I was most proud to be associated with, a SCOTUS case, was when I was very junior, so I’m not credited on it.) Ultimately, though, my hubby said something on our second date — I’d asked him what his family name was, and he said “My dad’s and my last name is X, and my mom’s last name is Y,” and explained how they’re married but she never changed. And I realized right then and there that I never wanted my kids to view me as something separate from the family unit. We were just married and I’m having a harder time separating from it now, trying to change everything and deal with some judgments from other people, but I know for me this is the right decision. (And in a really weird way it makes it easier for me to take his last name, knowing that there is no currently no “Mrs. X.” — makes me feel less like I am leaving my family and joining his, and more like he and I are starting a brand new family unit.)
I plan to use my full name (first, middle/maiden, last) on all documents — certainly business cards, email signatures, and so forth. And if anyone looks me up on Westlaw they’ll still find my previous cases, and my maiden name is unique enough that they’ll figure it out.
I get married on Thursday and I still haven’t sorted it out.
I am clearly not Arab but I could have an Arab last name, and well, it doesn’t, I think, look so pretty with my name with has a wonder y in it, and y’s are fun to write. My names flows easy from a pen, but with his I have to stop and think…and wow. it’s only 4 letters, and so is my first name so I end up with having the S in the same letter spot Lisa –s- and well, it just doesn flow to me. I think about a hyphen and then just using his last name with the kids and if I can get away with it, perhaps we’d use my last name as a middle name for the kids.
I am taking my fiance’s last name, but its kind of bitter sweet, I love my horribly mispronounced and rarely spelled correctly long french last name…which I’m trading in for an oh so common rarely misspelled simplistic English last name!
Being a traditionalist on rare occassions though I look forward to my new name…but go you!
Also…I’m definitely using the “sounds like a problem for future me” line for all of my procrastinations!
I am pretty much decided that I will become “first-name maiden-name married-name” and possibly drop the normal middle name I already have (maybe not tho, we’ll see!)
This is something I really struggled with and I am glad to see a lot of others have, too. I am not as abnormal as everyone makes me out to be! My future hubby is pretty laid back about this because he comes from a culture where its completely normal for married couples to just maintain their own last names.
I think I may try and talk him into taking my last name as his second middle name, that way we can start a glorious four-name family together ^__~
I kept my last name, and our children will most likely have hyphenated names (unless we decide at that point to acquire a totally new last name). Like sro, I’m amazed when people just assume that our children will have their father’s last name.
@West Coast Bride:
You said what I was trying to say, but much more coherently!
For me (not saying anyone else should feel the same), it would just feel really hypocritical to cling so firmly to my father’s name, but not my husband’s.
Also agree that my name has no bearing on the level of equality in my marriage - my husband is not forcing me to change my name, I just want to.
…I should also mention that I didn’t know what I was going to do until several weeks after our wedding. Talk about procrastinating!
We had the officiant announce us as “Mr. and Mrs. His-last-name” for the ceremony, and I still love getting mail for the same, even though I did end up keeping my name.
I hate that comment, what about the kids? It is almost emotional blackmail. My parents divorced when I was young, and my mom remarried when I was five. I never had any issues about her having a different last name (although I would always remind my friends “My mom is Mrs. Y, not Mrs. X).
I’ve decided to keep my last name, it is part of my identity. However, we’ve decided the kids get Dad’s last name, it would be ridiculously long to hyphenate it.
All the cats’ have my last, and I do think it bothered him a little.
@Kat — that is exactly how I feel. I never want to be seen as separate from my family, that’s why I took my husband’s name.
Actually — interesting anecdote — my mother changed her name to my father’s last name. When she got back in the work force she considered changing her name back to her maiden name. She told me she was thinking about it when I was ten, and I was completely distraught to the point of tears. I felt that it was a signal that she didn’t want to be part of our family anymore. Of course that wasn’t true, but it shows the power of names… (My Mom ended up keeping her married name.) I would not want my children to feel that my sense of personal identity was more important than our family identity.
I, for some reason, have been anxious to change my name. I hated it’s length (10 letters) and how it never fit on the bubblesheets for tests. I vowed to marry a man with a shorter name. Alas, I have succeeded, he has exactly 9 letters! (the irony of it all).
I am proud to take his name and will be 1st name, original middle name, 2nd middle name=current maiden name, his last name. I want to pass the name on to my children since I represent the last generation with my dad’s last name.
It’s all a very personal decision and depends on what an individual wants.
My mom kept her maiden name, and my siblings and I were all given her last name as a second middle name. It’s definitely an option.
P.S. I just read some of the comments, and although some people dislike the idea of four names, I think it’s a great compromise. I legally have four names, but never use my second middle name on legal documents - not even my DL or passport. Just wanted you to know there are people who were given four names at birth, and it was never an issue in the slightest.
I don’t want to keep my last name but I don’t particularly want to take his either although that looks like what I am going to do.
I’ve suggested to him that we take a new last name and he just won’t have it.
Lindsay, I have something of an issue with referring to this as a “compromise.” A compromise typically involves each of you giving up some of what you want. For example, if he wanted you to take his last name, and you wanted him to take yours, a compromise would be that you each keep your own. When it is only the woman who is being asked to change her name (whether by changing to her husband’s, hyphenating, adding a fourth name, or whatever), and it is just assumed that the man gets to keep his (and give it to the children), that’s not a compromise.
I’m not meaning to pick on you. I do understand that for some people, adding a fourth name may be what they want to do. I just wish that the debate on this weren’t so often framed as just the woman’s issue.
@skibobrown: I agree! My parents are traditional with my father’s last name, but a friend of mine has gone through all sorts of hell! His parents named all the children they had (5!!) by hyphenating the two last names. So now he’s engaged, and his fiancee is so distraught about what to do about her name after the wedding!
Ideally, she’d like to keep her last name because she is an only child, with the likelihood of her family name ending with her and really loves her last name… but she would like to reflect the connection with her husband also. Does she keep her maiden only? Does she change to his name? Ugh. Nobody wants this…
“Mrs. First Middle Maiden MILMaiden-Last”
!!! What would they name their kids?!!!
Taking out the MILMaiden name isn’t an option, purely out of respect for the family, and he really doesn’t mind the hyphenation of his name to begin with. They’re seriously thinking about creating a brand new last name at this point… I just told them “Good Luck!”
OH! And I didn’t even mention that her middle name is her mother’s maiden name because she’s willing to drop that one! Crazy!!
It’s been three weeks since our wedding and I still haven’t decided! I guess it means I’ll be keeping my name until further notice lol. Some people have already called me by his name, it is very weird!
I’m having a really tough time deciding whether or not to change my name; my dad died when I was young and I don’t know if I’m ready to give up that connection to him. But remember, for most people, you’re still carrying around a man’s last name either way.
@samantha: thanks for clarifying the meaning of “mrs.” I’m an english major who couldn’t deal with that being up there
@
I would disagree that “you’re still carrying around a man’s last name either way.” Regardless of how I got this name, it is now mine as well as my father’s. As such, I would no more change my last name than I would change my first name (which originally came from my mother’s side of the family, but is also now mine).
And of course, in conventional usage, a woman loses both first and last name when she gets married, becoming, “Mrs. John Smith.” Thus, she has exactly the same name as anyone to whom her husband was ever married, or anyone to whom her husband ever will be married. Conversely, no one who knew her before she got married can find her again if they don’t know her husband’s name.
In so many ways, a name is an identity. Just think about the expressions, “making a name for yourself,” or not besmirching someone’s “good name.” How can I make a name for myself, or have a good name, if I must change my name when I get married?
I agree with MSC . .DIVORCE written all over it . . . -mail me when it happens!!
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Mouse, Austin
Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Civil Engineer
Engagement Date: December 19, 2007
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Barr Mansion
About Me: I just graduated from law school and will be taking the bar, getting married, going on a honeymoon with my guy, and then trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I was born and raised in a small East Texas town, but I'm no country girl! I'm obsessed with British accents, fantasy (including Harry Potter, of course), and classic rock. My fiance and I consider ourselves both music and beer snobs--but every once in awhile we love to hear a crappy band and drink a cheap brew or two. We're planning an eco-friendly, casual, English garden affair for the end of summer, and we can't wait for it to get here!
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics