Weddingbee Blog

My mum didn’t change her name and my FMIL only did so because she hated her maiden name, so there is no compulsion for me to change my name, however I’ve had a long running debate as to whether I should or not. Ultimately I’ve decided to keep my name exactly the same as it is now, I’ll remain Ms X. Part of the decision was because he has a really silly name that gets far worse when combined with mine, but ultimately it is because I don’t want to be stereotyped. I’m getting married young (21) and feel that people will make unfair assumptions about me if they know I’m married before they get to know me. I’m not ashamed of being married young, but do not wish to be defined by it. By keeping my name and title I retain my identity. Part of me would like to become Mrs Y, but it just isn’t right for me.

It was a hard decision*, but I decided to change my name, but I moved my maiden name to a middle name. Unfortunately, most places only have room for one middle initial. Anyways…I still know it’s there. Plus I had my maiden name in my email address, so I’m keeping that as is. My little bit of rebellion I suppose

*I absolutley love my maiden name, but my mom kept hers (she’s a doctor) and it has caused some confusion throughout my childhood (wait, your parents aren’t divorced? why do they have different names then?) ugh, I got that question too many times…

I applaud you for wanting to keep your own name, your own identity, your own heritage. I will never change my name. When people ask the question “What about your kids? Don’t you want the same last name as them?” I have a huge problem with A) The misogynistic assumption that any children automatically take the man’s name and B) The example that sets for any future daughters… you’re basically saying that you only want to share a name with them until they’re old enough to become a part of another man’s heritage. There is no “r” in Missus… the abbreviated “Mrs.” is mister/Mr. with a possessive “s” thrown on. I will gladly remain Ms. and as for last names for future children… well, honestly I’m not too concerned. There are a lot of options (hyphenating, my name, his name, both names, a combination of both names, etc…) and when the time comes we’ll pick what is best for us.

For the record: I’m not saying that a woman should never change her name, but I think the whole name game as it stands now is unfairly balanced. The vast majority of married woman in Western culture take the man’s name (a tradition based on outdated sexist ideas). Ideally I believe it should be more equally divided, women keeping, women changing, men keeping, men changing, hyphenation, etc…

In my culture (Latin America), women change their last name for the most part, but also get to keep their name. In other words, they have two last names, their husband’s comes first, and her father’s comes second. It’s not uncommon to go by both last names either. My siblings and I have both our parents last name: father’s comes first, mother’s comes second. Growing up in the states, the system only acknowledges one last name, my father’s. I’ve always my States name as an extension of my real identity, the one with two last names, like on my birth certificate. Even my passport has both last names, well, it has four: first, middle, and two last names. Any document with legality in the US, like my residence card, driver’s license, etcetera, has only one last name. So, when I became a citizen, I checked the box for Name Change and just added the second last name. Now I am legally a four named person in the States. My diplomas also have four names.

With that said, I am not changing my last name to his last name. He couldn’t understand this for some time and felt hurt and scared. He got over it when I explained my reasons to him. I am an artist and I’ve built my identity with a first name, a middle initial, and a first last name. It’s who I am. I want to keep this identity and also participate in the passing down of the family name. It’s okay that others don’t know the second last name, although, I do use it in some documents.

Our children will be named according to the Latin American tradition. They will get a first name, a middle name, his last name, and my first last name. In that order. They system will eventually screw it up, but it will be fine. Their names will be recorded on their birth certificates.

@sro: hear hear!