Wedding Blog
For some reason, every time I read the word “honorifics” my brain says “horrorifics”. This was pretty funny until I discovered the reason for my brain’s Freudian slip.
Honorifics are complicated! I went so far as to post my status on Facebook as “Married friends—can I get some sort of consensus here? How do you prefer to be addressed? Mr. and Mrs. John Smith? Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith? Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Jones-Smith? Mr and Mrs. John and Jane Smith (this one seems odd and redundant to me)? Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones?”
What I received? Was anything but a consensus. Some people said Mr. and Mrs. John Smith was fine, others said, “I’m not Mrs. John…”, and I received more opinions, still! I felt pretty much back at square one. I checked out these posts on A Practical Wedding, the Crane Blue Book, and Emily Post for advice. But what I really found to be the most helpful? Simply calling or texting those who I thought might have a preference on their honorifics and asking them what they preferred. This way I’m honoring our guests’ identity choices and attempting to avoid disrespecting their decisions. I also solved several horrorific addresses by addressing them to the XXXXXX family.
I did learn a few interesting things from my horrorifics experience. For example, becoming a Mrs.? That doesn’t come from getting married - it only applies if the woman changes her name. So my sister? Technically not a Mrs., since she kept her maiden name. I’m also grateful that we have very few military personnel in our family and I don’t know any judges that I would need to address as “The Honorable”.
I think it all really comes down to (your guests’) personal preferences. I’ve heard people say, “Whatever you decide, just pick a naming system and be consistent.” In my opinion, you only need to worry about consistency if you’re concerned that your guests will be showing each other their envelopes and would be hurt.
I like the idea of employing honorifics because they convey a certain amount of respect and reverence to the person whom you’re sending the letter to. It’s rare that I ever receive personal mail with an honorific attached. Now that I’ve waded through the murky waters of horrorifics, I’ll probably use them more often!
How do you feel about honorifics (horrorifics?) and how do you prefer to be addressed?
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i’m very old-fashioned on this topic…I will be happy to be Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname…and I agree, consistency in addressing is the most important element of honorifics in the case of addressing envelopes and such.
I addressed mine in terms of age/ what I knew they preferred. For ex. my parents HATE the Mr. and Mrs. Smith so much my dad insisted on having Jon and Jane Smith invite you to….
But my FI’s parents I don’t think it ever even occurred to them that I might not change my name, which I’m not. So they got a Mr. and Mrs. Bill Smith.
But yes I’m with you it did cause lots of headaches.
I’m in the camp that has an issue with the Mr. and Mrs. Him. It bugs me. But I know my best friend loooooveees to be addressed that way and can’t understand why I don’t.
I go for traditional. As long as you actually get the name right, no one can complain if you do it as it is supposed to be done!
I too am listing my parents as Jon and Jane Smith as my mom needs to have her name on the invitation too. Fi’s parents don’t care as much. Therefore I think being consistent about addressing your invites is the WORST thing you could do as if I sent an invite to my mother Mr. and Mrs Hisname she probably wouldn’t come as she wasn’t invited. However, my grandmother probably would be insulted if I didn’t address her invite Mrs. Hisname.
I would be hurt and slightly insulted if a friend addressed me as Mrs. His First Name Last Name. Anyone who knows me should know better. So…I think it’s very wise to take into consideration the people’s personality you are addressing. I say there’s no need to be consistent in addressing the envelopes unless the guests will be comparing them at the reception 
I’m happy to be Mrs. Husband’s name and our last name. Everyone has their own preference. I don’t have many married friends, and the people we invited to our wedding who were married were older. Hopefully they didn’t mind the honoriffics I used, and if they did, too bad for them!
I think it’s great you’re taking personal opinions into consideration. I too, would be bugged if I received an invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. hisname. That seems really old fashioned to me (and most of my friends), but many older folks would be upset if their invitations weren’t address that way. We aren’t to the invitation stage yet, but we are planning to do less formal invitations, and may not even use honorifics.
I am in favor of Mr. His name and Mrs. Her name TheirLastName. I don’t like getting mail, etc (especially from the college I graduated from and he didn’t) as Mrs. His First Last.
i didn’t fret too much about this, because i more or less knew my friends’ stance on this.
on one invite, i even humourouly wrote “Karen, Hubs & Chubbs” (how she refers to her husband and chubby toddler).
sure, it’s not “right” in the etiquette rule book, but i disregard the rules anyway
Haha, horrorifics. Sounds about right. I think I’m going to do what I did on my STDs–just refer to everyone by their first and last names only. But I applaud you for taking the time to figure out how people want to be addressed. I would *die* if I got something dressed to Mrs. John Smith!!!
While I do agree it’s nice to formally address invitations, I think the safest thing to do is Mr + Mrs John + Jane Doe. You never know who will be offended by having been referred to as Mrs. John Doe (I feel like many modern women might be - I certainly would be), but I’m pretty sure that no one will be offended by having been called Mrs. Jane Doe and NOT Mrs. John Doe.
I addressed all my invitations as Jane + John Doe, and if they don’t have the same last name, I wrote Jane Smith + John Doe (and actually had quite a few Jim Smith + John Doe - I have a lot of gay friends!).
I decided to forgo titles altogether, and no one I know was offended EXCEPT my SIL, who constantly feels the need to remind me that she’s a doctor. Of all the people to be offended…the one who should theoretically be closest to me was! Ha!
Just a note: “Ms.” applies to all women, married or not. (Little girls get “Miss.”) This is not to say that every woman WANTS to be addressed as “Ms.” instead of “Mrs.” — just that, etiquette-wise, it is appropriate whether the recipient has kept her maiden name or taken her husband’s name. (BUT, it is always used with HER first name, whereas, if you’re following strict etiquette tradition, “Mrs.” is never used with the woman’s first name — if Jane Doe marries John Smith, she’s Ms. Jane Doe, Ms. Jane Smith, or Mrs. John Smith, and if they divorce, she’s Ms. Jane Doe, Ms. Jane Smith or Mrs. Doe Smith, depending on her preference. You will find, though, that people will not be mollified if you claim that an etiquette book wouldn’t let you address them by their preferred name…)
oh wow you just reminded that i *do* have military titles on my guest list to figure out! …and i am of the opinion Mr and Mrs John Doe is just fine However, I am addressing all grown children (grown and no longer living with their parents) of my parents’ peers/friends as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family. It isn’t ideal but this is one more tiny way that I intend to save money. I simply will not purchase the extra invites when I’m 95% positive they won’t be able to make my desitination wedding.
I absolutly HATE Mr. & Mrs. John Doe. Just because a woman gets married and changes her last name does not mean she loses her first name!!!
A bunch of friends have addressed me as Mrs. John Doe on their wedding invitations and it infuriates me! I’ve called to tell them that I didn’t lose my entire identity when I got married - or so I didn’t think I did!
I was consistent in addressing all of mine as “Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Doe”. I think either this way or just using “John & Jane Doe”, are the correct only options.
Being identified as “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe” isn’t my first choice, but now that I’ve been through the wedding planning process, I could care less what is on the envelope, as long as the spell the name right! In most weddings, the bride & groom are sending out hundreds of invitations. For me, it was hard enough to get the spellings and addresses correct and get those invitations out the door, let alone ponder each invitee’s personal preference on how they would like to be addressed. It’s very thoughtful of you to go through this extra step, Miss D!
I guessed. The 80-year-old widows were properly addressed as Emily Post would have: Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. The traditional Midwestern couples were all Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast.
My generation and younger only got honorifics if (a) they seemed to care about it or (b) it was funny. Dave, PhD. was Dave, but Alex, M.D., PhD. was Dr. Alexander, and Jon, M.D., PhD. was Dr. Dr. Jonathan, because he demands my one-doctorate husband address him as such.
The Army-Army couple got Mr. & Mrs., but the Army-Air Force couple got their full and complete titles, because it looked absurd. I couldn’t stop giggling as I wrote it…all six glorious lines of it.
And after all that, I found out at the rehearsal dinner that one of the Dr. & Mrs. couples was actually Dr. Hisname and Dr. Hername. When I apologized, she just laughed.
I think it comes down to the fact that we had a pretty relaxed crowd at a pretty relaxed event. If we were expecting a 100% correct crowd at a 100% correct event, we might have done things differently.
I felt SO uncomfortable using Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, but my parents really wanted them to be formal, especially for their friends. In the end, I did the formal format for their friends and simply John and Jane Smith for my friends, who I assumed would be like me and not want to simply go by their husband’s first/last name.
Hilarious part - when the RSVPs starting coming back, MY friends were entering “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” in the RSVP line! Of course my Mom was loving that!
Moral of the story - you never can tell what people will prefer!
Seriously, the entire envelope (how it’s addressed, what color it is, etc.) makes no impact on my whatsoever. Now that I’ve been through the planning process, I can definitely appreciate a nice envelope. But in the end, it ends up in the trash.
Don’t sweat it, my dear! 
[...] naming conventions. I tried to hide from you, but my honorifics post reminded me I’ll have to deal with you sooner than later. le sigh. It’s not as [...]
I would rather be addressed by my own name (I kept my name). But if I can’t have that I’d prefer Mr. & Mrs. John Smith over Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Smith (because “Jane Smith” has no referent and so the invite is technically only addressing one person). And, I don’t care if I don’t get addressed as Dr. but the couple who got that correct would definitely get points with me for being astute!
[...] naming conventions. I tried to hide from you, but my honorifics post reminded me I’ll have to deal with you sooner than later. Le [...]
I don’t mind if someone calls me Mrs John Smith, but I would prefer to be called Mrs Jane Smith
The fiance & I honestly stayed up last night for a 20 minute discussion on whether Mr. and Mrs. John & Jane Smith is ok! Can’t believe I didn’t run into this post…even googled the phrase hoping I’d find something on it!
So good to find this, I’m feeling very reassured.
@Sarah: Glad I could help! I think it’s a bit better to do Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith. Only because they can’t both be Mr and Mrs and both be John and Jane, though they can be Mr. John and Mrs. Jane separately.
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Mrs. D'orsay, Baltimore/Lancaster UK
Age and Occupation: 24, Stay at home fiance (formerly in nonprofit communications)
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Web site developer and designer; co-owner of men's skincare shop
Engagement Date: August 10, 2008
Wedding Date: August, 2009
Venue: Oakland Manor
About Me: I'm a Maryland raised environmental policy wonk/activist/organizer and communications aficionado. In the past year I've lived in Baltimore, MD, Tucson, AZ, Miami, FL and Lancaster, England. In my not so spare time I enjoy planning trips with Mr. D' Orsay, visiting friends and family and crafting like a mo-fo. I also enjoy modern dance classes, rugby and soccer but have been banned by my mother, MOHs, and Mr. D' Orsay from playing till after the wedding. I have an unnatural addiction to cheese and shoes, but love Mr. D' Orsay more than either and can't wait to become Mrs. D' Orsay!
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