Wedding Blog

Oh, naming conventions. I tried to hide from you, but my honorifics post reminded me I’ll have to deal with you sooner than later. Le sigh.

It’s not as though I want to become Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Mr. D to become Mr. Bag (but I would be pleased if we both became the Banana-Bags). I am have deep issues with traditional naming conventions. What’s worse is that I’m starting to feel completely alone in this. Even my father said I should change my name! Thankfully, I have at least one friend who has co-hyphenated and others who have kept their birth names. While Mr. D supports me on this issue, he is also trying to see both of our families’ opinions on it, whereas I feel there are really only two opinions that matter in this decision.

If you’re struggling with the idea of a name change (for you or you and your partner), I’ve found a few resources that might help you.

My mother (who is a database administrator) is asking us not to co-hyphenate or double barrel, but only because it makes her job harder. To illustrate this point, she sent us this article detailing a co-hyphenated couple’s unintentional database name changes.

In an online forum I found this Roman maxim: “Sine nomine homo non est” (”without a name a person is nothing”). One’s name is a signboard to the world. It is one of the most permanent of possessions; it remains when everything else is lost; it is owned by those who possess nothing else… When one dies, it is the only part that lives on in the world. This almost makes the case for neither of us changing our names, except that my desire to share a common name with Mr. D is overwhelmingly strong.

If you’re interested, here is a link to a court case regarding combined surnames. The summery is pretty interesting, and though the case involves a child’s surname, it still seems quite applicable to marriage. Part of the summary states that “a combined surname is a solution that recognizes each parent’s legitimate claims and threatens neither parent’s rights. The name merely represents the truth that both parents created the child and that both parents have responsibility for that child”. In my opinion, you could easily exchange marriage for child, and partner for parent, with the same resulting outcome.

The most helpful place I’ve found to give me peace with either co-hyphenating or choosing a single surname (mine or his) has without a doubt been the IndieBride Kvetch Name Changing board. While the site can sometimes be confusing to navigate (and why is “Second Thoughts” the first thing you always see!?!?!), it has really been a lifesaver when I’ve felt alone in this line of thinking.

While I would never do something because someone told me to, I also wouldn’t do something because someone told me not to. The Kvetch board has definitely helped me to think about the name changing issue in a more well-rounded way. I also sent Mr. D this article from Salon.com and the Wikipedia article, which highlights different naming conventions for different cultures.

What have we decided? Well, we still haven’t. We have all the usual concerns regarding identity, family tradition, personal preference, etc., but we also have to be concerned about immigration. We aren’t too pleased with the thought that changing our names could result in longer waits and confused paperwork. So we decided to shelf the highly emotionally charged issue and think about it later. While I hope that we decided before the wedding (because for me, changing our name as a unit also signifies our bond to the outside world), I’m not entirely sure we’ll have reached a decision about this in the next few months.

Anyone else having struggles with name changing? Is your fiance considering changing his name, as well? Are you having any drama in regards to your name change?