The Time Has Come, My Little Friends, to Talk of Other Things

The Time Has Come, My Little Friends, to Talk of Other Things

June 24th, 2009 @ 4:19 pm by Mrs. Bear Cub

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about “The Wedding”. Not the marriage - we’re firm of mind and heart that we want to spend our lives together. I’m talking about the party.

I’m talking about the 100+ guest list, the menu that takes months to perfect, and all the little details that (don’t kid yourself) no one really notices. Except you. (And, of course, if it matters to you, then that’s what’s really important!)

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why we, as a society, feel the urge to proclaim our marriage as solidified with a (oftentimes opulent) party, with as many people we’ve met in presence. At times, it feels like “The Wedding” is more of an expectation of society than a wish.

At about two and a half months to go - and a lot still on my plate - I’ve been mulling over a few “what ifs”. What if we decided to elope? Would that really be “so bad”? We’d still have an intimate ceremony, we’d still end up married, and we’d still have cake (there will always be cake!).

Our extended family might be a little upset. But honestly - I think they’d get over it.

I come from a huge extended family that’s scattered all over the US. I rarely see them anymore! I’m very happy to live my life with my future husband. Even though my family is huge, I’ve always felt the emotional barrier that comes with physical distance. Leading my life with Mr. Bear Cub is one of the realest expressions of “family” I’ve ever felt.

When we began forming ideas for aspects of our wedding last year, I told Mr. Bear Cub that I wanted a small wedding. I wanted no more than 50 people. total. (Remember, there are over 70 people in my family, alone!) I wanted most of our guests to be our friends, and I wanted for everyone that was present to really want to be there. It makes me personally sad when people show up to a wedding only because they thought they “had” to. I wanted none of that nonsense.

The reality of families, though, is that if you chose to publicly announce your marriage to a small circle of people, the larger circle of people has to be included.

The reality of society, I think, is that contributing members to society wish for the big changes in their lives to be publicly recognized. In a crazy, very human way, it makes the rite of passage more tangible.

For those who choose to elope, choose courthouse weddings, small gatherings, and the like - your wedding is no less important than those who invite 1000 people to their wedding. Your wedding is equally important, and equally special.

I’m only commenting on the apparent societal impetus to present one’s marriage with a large party. I recognize that, while this seems crazy to me personally, I feel like a party with a ceremony and dinner and dancing and all my friends and close family would make us more married. That which is already affirmed in our hearts would be reflected in the minds of our peers.

I’m ~~slightly~~ very overwhelmed at the amount of planning that still needs to be done. We could elope, and we would be happy. But really, we want to have our wedding. With all the details and friends and family and (of course) cake.

What’s your perspective on the societal “expectation” to throw a large party for your wedding?

Tags: ceremony, family |

| Share this post: The Time Has Come, My Little Friends, to Talk of Other Things

Latest Gallery Pics

17 Responses to “The Time Has Come, My Little Friends, to Talk of Other Things”

Member

soon2beebride (message) 59 posts, Worker bee

I could have easily written this post! I know how you feel..sigh. I always wanted an intimate wedding of about 50 people. But in my culture, it’s customary for the parents to invite their friends and in-laws. So my “50 people” wedding has now turned into 200. Of those 200, I’m only close to 20-30 of them. Sigh. It’s somthing I have to compromise for the sake of my parent’s happiness (and peace). Even though my wedding won’t have the intimate setting that I had envisioned, I’ll do my best to create an atmosphere that will at least give off that illusion! Think positive, think positive!

6/24/09 @ 4:27 pm (reply)

Guest

gooseling

I definitely agree with you. We put so much pressure on ourselves to throw such detailed, enormous parties, that the planning isn’t as enjoyable. And when did engagements become so stressful?

I am getting sick of people asking me if this or that is done yet, like my close family, but not offering help when I say no it isn’t.

And who cares if it is or not?

6/24/09 @ 4:33 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Bruschetta (message) 5,553 posts, Bee Keeper

Ugh, Mr. Bruschetta’s family isn’t really familiar with extraordinarily detailed weddings, so all I hear is that ours will be the biggest, most amazing wedding ever — which makes me super nervous and stressed, because I know that won’t be the case! Sure, it’ll be great, and I’ll get to marry my best friend, but I wish people didn’t build it up like some incredibly impressive function that will never be outdone.

6/24/09 @ 4:35 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Spaniel (message) 2,597 posts, Sugar bee

I feel this way all the time… but I wouldn’t not have the party. My family would be so disappointed, and I kind of think of marriage as a rite of passage that involves entering a kind of community… so I can’t do something selfish like not sharing it with our loved ones. Even if I want to!

6/24/09 @ 4:41 pm (reply)

Member

mdarrah (message) 1,006 posts, Bumble bee

I do think its different for every family. There were lots of people at our wedding that are close to my parents but not me or my husband, but what I came to learn about our situation during the guest list phase, was that the wedding was about more than us. As weird as that sounds, it was also about our families and their friends and celebrations. My parents run in circles where they get invited to their friends’ kids’ weddings and it would go beyond rude to almost mean not to invite them to ours. And as silly as it might sound, it was true. And people whos names I needed refreshing on came, and you know what? We had a beautiful “us” wedding followed by an amazing celebration of friends and family.

6/24/09 @ 4:54 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Mouse (message) 3,301 posts, Sugar bee

I went through the “overwhelmed” feeling at one point in the planning process. You will get through it, and you will be so happy you chose to share your celebration with family and friends. I totally know what you mean about only wanting people there who genuinely want to be there. If only . . .

6/24/09 @ 4:55 pm (reply)

Member

agrosses (message) 94 posts, Worker bee

Just to throw it out there: I think in today’s Western culture, where couples often live together and share expenses and intimacy before marriage, having a way to “officially” (i.e. a wedding) announce their marriage can feel important, to a variety of people, because the daily details of their life will not change when they say their vows (I’m talking about the practical stuff, not the emotional impact).

Also, my family is spread out across the world, and we welcome opportunities to all get together (even though they sometimes feel like obligations when booking flights and hotel rooms and trying to get time off work) and see be together. Plus, we really like to party. My family would be disappointed if I eloped because they missed a chance to visit and have an open bar.

6/24/09 @ 5:03 pm (reply)

Member

lavenderpug (message) 275 posts, Helper bee

i think a lot of people waver between wanting the big celebration surrounded by family and friends vs. a very intimate, low-key affair. i still think of the latter from time to time, but honestly since i put down the deposit for the reception i’ve kinda sucked it up. it is a great opportunity to have a really fun party where people are celebrating something special and happy. plus it was easy to justify because my mom and sister would have had a sh*%fit if we had gone the city hall route.

6/24/09 @ 5:55 pm (reply)

Member

mrspaetz (message) 1,707 posts, Bumble bee

we faced hurdles because we’re from 2 countries, and each family has their own desires, requests.

we just decided to hold firm, stick to our list of only close friends & immediate family, so we have a guest list of 40. manageable & cozy!

6/24/09 @ 7:47 pm (reply)

10.

Member

marylizbeth (message) 132 posts, Blushing bee

wow. I can really relate to this post. When we first got engaged, I imagined a small intimate gathering. But the more the news of engagement spread, so did the expectations. Our very large extended families all expected to be included and said as much. In reality, I am sure if I explained our thinking about a small wedding our families would have understood and supported us. But- I can’t put it all on our families either- I agree with you - I think societal expectations had an effect on my own view of our wedding. In the early stages whenever I imagined a small destination or courthouse wedding I felt like I was cheating myself or not having “real wedding.” I can’t say I regret our decisions because despite the stress , work, and cost I love the way our wedding plans are comming along, but I do wish I had thought more about a small wedding and not caved so quickly to the “expected”

6/24/09 @ 7:55 pm (reply)

11.

Member

jmc (message) 469 posts, Helper bee

My philosophy for my wedding is, “it’s a celebration, not an event.” So we’re not doing anything to impress our guests exactly, or entertain them… and we’re not giving them presents (favors). That motto really helps me keep it under control though.

6/24/09 @ 8:19 pm (reply)

12.

Member

lilythespitfire (message) 114 posts, Blushing bee

I struggled with this for quite a bit. I originally wanted no wedding and to just elope. However, the reality of it all is that a wedding is something that truly isn’t just for the couple but for the family.

It is tough to deal with the societal expectations of what is deemed a wedding. Especially since it may be a financial and emotional stress on a couple’s relationship. However, in the end, I feel many of us cave because it is such a widely recognized marker in a person’s life.

In the end while I too, wanted only 50, we ended up with 80-100. Still small by many people’s standards, so I breathed a sigh of relief. Also, because of all the wedding craziness, I simply nixed a lot of small projects or details and focused on getting married.

Like you said Miss Bear Cub, no one else really notices the little details, and I wasn’t going to kill myself doing them!

6/24/09 @ 8:46 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Mrs. Penguin (message) 2,148 posts, Buzzing bee

The feeling of having all of your friends and family in one place at one time is unmatched! You will probably never never get that in your entire lifetime otherwise. Sure, you’ll have gatherings (his family reunions, yours, holidays, friend gatherings), but not all at once! It is truly an unmatched feeling to walk into a room or place and just see all those faces, all at once. I stepped into the restaurant for our RD and immediately started bawling my eyes out with joy…. it was my first contact of the weekend with ALL those people. It was an amazing feeling!

I think after you experience “the big day” you will be glad you threw your elopement dreams out the window… promise!

6/24/09 @ 9:08 pm (reply)

14.

Member

SpinningJenny (message) 434 posts, Helper bee

I originally said, No way are we inviting more than 100 people. We’re down around 200, after starting in the ballpark of 250. My family is small, spread-out and doesn’t really celebrate much of anything (partially because of distance and partially because I think celebration just isn’t a big deal to both my mom’s and dad’s families even though my dad is from the south. Go figure ^_^).

But for my fiance’s family, it’s much like mdarrah said–they have many close family friends and when someone’s kid gets married, everyone drops everything to go and celebrate and, frankly, do their duty to make sure it’s a good time for the couple and their family. So all those people that Mr. Spin’s family has celebrated with would be horribly hurt if they weren’t invited. Hence the 200 person guest list.

But, even though it’s overwhelming to think how many people will be there, I know that they’re coming because they are part of Mr. Spin’s family’s circle and they want to help his family celebrate this joyous occasion. And it’s hard to resent that for long. ^_^

6/25/09 @ 9:02 am (reply)

15.

Member

Champagne Wishes (message) 485 posts, Helper bee

Funny you mention societal “expectation”. My fiance and I are paying for our wedding with no help. Yet my mom give me a guilt trip any time I want to scale back. I think it is more about her impressing her family and friends than our bank account and sanity.
We talk about eloping and still haven’t ruled it out completely. As much as I want a nice wedding, I want a house and no debt even more!

6/25/09 @ 9:03 am (reply)

16.

Member

Miss Chicken (message) 222 posts, Helper bee

I feel those pressures on and off. I’ve most recently been day dreaming about not having bridesmaids or groomsmen…like those peopel would still be at the wedding, just sitting down. Which would make them no less important to me…hmm.

My fiance and I wanted maximum 50 people, but because of large number of aunts and uncles I have, we are now capped out at 80 (ourselves included), I suppose that isn’t huge over.

I also just finished reading the book “Altared” it’s a collection of essays from various authors, and their views on modern weddings, marriage and the like. I would highly recommend it to all ladies!

6/25/09 @ 10:10 am (reply)

17.

Member

Crash (message) 378 posts, Helper bee

I feel like one benefit of the recession is that people don’t hold quite the same expectations that we would have felt if we had gotten married a couple years ago. There is less judgment from both vendors and guests when you scale things back.

6/26/09 @ 2:43 pm (reply)